


In My Dark Times - The Deal With The Demon

by RoseLyn28



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom
Genre: Dark, Graphic, Lots of Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2018-05-23 07:32:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 50
Words: 168,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6109618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseLyn28/pseuds/RoseLyn28
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Sometimes, you think that if someone is really eager to be in your life that they obviously do care deeply for you. No. They don't care for you... they care only for your company. And... they do everything within their means to make sure they stay in your life. They can't thrive without you... and eventually neither can you." - Harry Styles</p><p> </p><p>“Some things once you’ve loved them become yours forever, and if you try to let them go, they only circle back and return to you. They become a part of who you are... or they destroy you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Louis Tomlinson begins college in London after transferring from Doncaster and meets Harry Styles who will change his future. Somehow, he gets caught up in Harry's world, and soon realizes things aren't always as they seem. </p><p>And things aren't at all what they seem. Harry holds a secret that Louis soon discovers. And Harry's secret, Darren Johnson, will do anything to keep Harry to himself.</p><p>Or the one where Louis moves to London to attend college and he meets Harry, who just happens to be the fuck boy to a well-respected professor.</p><p>***is based off the condition Stockholm Syndrome</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

  
Louis Tomlinson

  
I was already dreading university and I hadn't even had my first class yet. I was beginning to think that transferring from Doncaster was completely ridiculous. But I wanted to experience London. And I had promised my mum when I moved that I would stay in uni and continue my education.

I took my suitcases to my new room in the dorms. It wasn't very big at all but then again, neither were the ones in Doncaster.

My new roommate was called Stan, one of the preps of the university who took academics very seriously. I, myself, wasn't very serious at all. Yeah, I kept good grades back home, but now that I was here, it seemed learning was the farthest thing from my mind.

My first class was on a sunny, chilly Tuesday morning in September. I'll never forget that day. It was the day my life changed.

I had a seat in one of the many desks in the large auditorium. It was at that moment that I noticed him... sitting a few desks over.

He was dark headed with long curls and looked totally annoyed to be sitting in class. But he was mesmerizing. I couldn't listen to the professor; all I seen was this beautiful guy chewing gum and twiddling his pen in his fingers.

Stan was sitting next to me and I allowed my curiosity to get the best of me.

"Who's that?" I whispered while I pointed over at curly.

"That?" He asked, nearly snorting, "Harry. He's, uh, well, he's just a student. One that doesn't wanna be here. He's hardly ever in class."

I nodded a little while I kept my eyes on him. He was pushing his curls back and sitting reclined now in his seat, his arms crossed.

"He's not the kind you want to hang out with," Stan said quietly and looked back at the professor.

I stayed quiet and turned my eyes back to the board, though I could see this Harry staring at me out of the corner of my eye. And he continued through the whole class. So did I. It was hard not to look at him for some reason.

When class finished, I got up and gathered my things. Harry walked past me, smiling a little as he did. And I honestly had never seen a more gorgeous, dimpled smile. I tried to keep my composure as I walked behind him outside to my next class. I stayed a few feet away from him, but he finally slowed his pace until he was almost next to me.

"You're new," his voice was raspy and deep.

"Uh, yeah," I spoke up, not looking at him, "just transferred."

"Transferred," he said as I finally looked up at him, his eyes already on me and his smile radiating, "from where?"

"Doncaster."

He nodded and kept walking in pace with me. I kept stealing glances at this boy, this young man who looked maybe 19 or 20. He was in tight skinny jeans with high-heeled suede boots and a white t-shirt that showed off the many tattoos on his left arm. He was a little intimidating to be honest. But his smile was gentle.

We didn't say another word as we went to the next class. He took a desk directly next to me, still smiling and I felt my cheeks flushing as I grinned down at my desk. It was hard to even concentrate during class. All I could see was Harry next to me. I had no idea what was happening. But he was intriguing in every way possible.

I was thankful when class ended. I couldn't wait to get out of the room with him. He made sure to turn around and smile at me before we parted ways. I watched him stride off, throwing his head to the side and his long curls flowing away from his face. Who the fuck was he?

I headed to catch the bus when my phone rang. It was Gemma, a friend I had met through my older sister.

"Gemma," I answered her phone call, happy to hear a familiar voice.

"Hey, Louis. How's it going?"

"Uh, alright I suppose," I replied and took a seat on the bench.

"Want to grab lunch?"

"Sure, yeah," I answered as I saw Harry again, talking and laughing with 3 other guys. He seemed to be arguing with one of the professors but smiling while he did.

"Louis?" Gemma spoke up, "in 20 minutes? My brother is meeting me. Would like to introduce you two."

"Yeah, sounds lovely," I managed to answer as Harry caught my eye and grinned over at me.

We agreed on a small diner down from the uni. It had been about 2 to 3 years since I had seen Gemma. I only knew her from my sister, which meant I hardly did know anything about her.

I walked down the street from the uni to the diner. Gemma was seated at a table by the window when I entered.

"Hey," I greeted.

"Hey, you," she smiled and hugged me, "glad to see you in London finally."

"Yeah, me too," I laughed and took a seat across from her.

"Have you met my brother yet? He's in the same classes as you," she said as she sipped her coffee.

"Uh, I don't think I have," I said, "I honestly didn't know he was at this uni. Felicity didn't tell me that."

"He is," she said, "he doesn't take it very serious though."

She got quiet and looked upset as she stared down at her coffee.

The diner door opened and I could smell cigarettes and weed, as I caught a familiar face. Harry.

"Did you start without me?" He grinned at Gemma, then turned to me, "hey, transfer."

It suddenly made sense. He was her brother. I should've guessed that... they looked so much alike.

"Louis, this is Harry," she smiled a little, "my brother."

"Nice to meet you, Louis," he smiled at me.

"Uh, yeah," I stuttered, "you, too."

"How's work?" Harry asked as he sat down next to me and looked around the diner.

"It's fine," Gemma replied, "Louis and you share classes now."

"We noticed," he smirked over at me.

I bit my lip and smiled before replying, "yeah, it's gone great so far."

Harry rolled his eyes and stirred his coffee.

"Oh, mum wanted me to ask if you were visiting this weekend?" Gemma turned to Harry.

"Uh, I can't this weekend," he said quietly, "maybe next weekend. I've already made plans."

Gemma nodded and I could feel a little tension between them. Maybe it was just my own tension.

We talked a few more minutes, Harry being a total ass and a ray of sunshine at the same time.

"Well, I've gotta get to work," Gemma spoke up. We had sat together for about half an hour. "I need to get going."

Harry stood up and threw some money on the table.

"Louis, thanks for coming," she hugged me and smiled, "and Harry..."

"It was good to see you, too," he cut her off as he hugged her, "I'll text you later, sis."

We walked outside and she waved goodbye while Harry and I stood at the cross walk. He pulled out his cigarettes and offered me one.

"No, thanks," I said.

"You don't smoke?" He smirked, "right. Should've known."

"Why?" I asked crossing my arms.

He just smiled and shook his head, "you're a prep, aren't you?"

"No," I laughed a little, "I'm not."

He nodded a little and headed across the street, me tailing behind him.

"Do you have plans, Louis?" He asked looking at me over his shoulder.

"Umm, no, not really."

"Good. Come with me," he grinned and headed for the uni parking area.

I carried my books with me, following behind him. I had no idea what I was getting into.

He stopped me in front of a red convertible. I nearly dropped the books when he grabbed my shoulders. I was taken back by his face only inches away from my own.

"Do you like my sister?" He asked quietly, not hostile.

"What? No," I laughed, "I just know her. She's friends with my sister."

He bit his lip, looking as if he was thinking hard, but finally nodded.

"Ok," he let me go, "I believe you."

"You should," I snapped.

He smirked, "sassy thing, you are." He laughed and got in the car, glancing at me, "coming?"

I smiled and got in the passengers seat, throwing my books in the back. I had no idea where I was headed with him, but it didn't matter in that moment. I was beginning to really like this stranger.

"So, Louis," he spoke as we left the parking lot, "you have a last name?"

"Tomlinson," I replied, "and yours, I assume, is Styles?"

He nodded as the wind blew his curls in every direction.

"She never mentioned much about you," I said looking around as we passed through town.

"We're not as close as we once were," he replied, the look on his face telling me it was a sensitive area.

"So, uh, Harry, how old are you?"

"I'm 20," he said, "and you, let me guess, like 19?"

"Ha, I wish," I chuckled, "I'm 22 this December."

"Damn," he chuckled some, "you don't look it."

"Thanks," I smiled.

"Probably that hair of yours," he smirked over at me.

"And you thought I was a preppy git?" I grinned a little.

"Well, I did think nerd," he shrugged and smiled at me.

We pulled up at one of the biggest estates in London. The guard waved at Harry and opened the gate, Harry driving down to nearly the end. He pulled into the drive of a huge two story home and I looked around in disbelief.

"Is this... your house?"

"Uh, we share it," he replied quietly as he pulled into the now open garage, "the other guys and me. Come on, they're throwing a party."

I followed him inside through the garage and straight into the kitchen. Music was booming and there were people everywhere. I was still trying to look over this stunning home.

"Liam," he called to a guy in the living room as I followed him, "this is Louis. Louis, Liam."

We greeted each other and I smiled around at all the people.

"Want a beer?" Harry offered, leaning over in my ear to say it.

"Uh, yeah, sure," I replied looking at him.

He disappeared back to the kitchen as I stood there staring at this huge living room with vaulted ceilings. There was a staircase that led upstairs to what looked like multiple rooms.

"There's 2 other guys you've gotta meet," I heard Harry say loudly, handing me a beer.

"How do you afford this?" I asked.

"Family," he replied flatly, "come on."

We walked upstairs and at the top was 2 hallways and in the middle was nothing but huge glass windows and doors that led out to an incredibly sized balcony.

"Niall Horan," Harry pointed to a guy from our first class. I recognized him immediately. He was seated in front.

"Hey, yeah, the transfer," Niall said extending his hand to me, "good to meet ya, mate."

"You, too," I nodded smiling.

"Niall here is from Ireland," Harry smirked as he lit a joint then patted Niall's shoulder, "our little leprechaun we call him."

I laughed and watched Harry hit the joint before he offered it to me. "Uh, I don't smoke."

"Really?" He smiled a little, "you should."

I smirked and looked around, "I'm not much of a partier, I'm afraid."

"Then, why are you here?" His lip curled into a small grin as he cocked his head to the side a little.

And I honestly couldn't think of why I was here... other than I had listened to this rebel in front of me.

"Hey, it's just a fucking joke," Harry laughed, gripping my shoulder, "you're so touchy, Louis."

I smiled a little as he waved for me to follow him again. He opened the balcony door and I stopped to take in the surroundings. There were, of course, houses on both sides, but it had a beautiful garden and pool below that was all fenced in for privacy.

"Hey, Harry," a young man spoke up. He was tall and slender with tattoos all over and jet black hair, "are we..."

He stopped when he saw me, "sorry, didn't know we had company."   

"Zayn, this is Louis," Harry said as he walked to the edge of the balcony.

"Nice to meet you," I smiled at him.

"You, too," he nodded and looked over at Harry, "I'll talk to you about it later."

Harry nodded as he swayed his feet over the side of the ledge and took a seat.

"What are you doing?" I found myself asking as I hurried over to him.

"What? It's not that high," he laughed and blew out his hit, "scared of heights?"

I looked down and then back at him, his smile still there.

"So, what do you do?" He asked me, "why'd you transfer to this fine place?" 

"Uh," I took a seat on the ledge, keeping my feet on the right side as I buried my hands in my lap, "just wanted a fresh start."

He looked at me and nodded before hitting the joint again, "what's your major?"

"Well, psychology was my original."

"Original? You change your mind?" He smirked, "tell me, Mr Tomlinson, what is your psychoanalysis of this current situation? Care to analyze why you're here?"

"I don't think," I started laughing, "it's not a psychological thing."

"No, that's wrong," he smiled and sighed, "tis, tis... I can see why you wanna change now."

"What?" I laughed.

"The psychological lesson is... go with your instinct," he spoke up looking at me, "isn't it? Why else would you be here? You don't know me, do you?"

"No, I don't," I replied as I kept my eyes on his.

"It's psychological," he grinned, "just like fear of, say, heights. It's all in your head."

"Is it?" I smirked at this smart ass, "do you major in that as well?"

"I'm in your classes," he replied with a small wink.

He was crazy... absolutely nuts; but I liked him. A lot.

"Like," he started again,"it's all a head thing. From the glances..."

I knew I was blushing when those words came out of his mouth.

"This whole situation," he waved his hand through the air as he laughed a bit.

"You're making me quite nervous on that," I said as I chuckled a bit.

"But see? There's nothing to fear if you don't allow it control you," he said looking down, "it's in your head, Louis."

"Do you always talk like this or is it because you're high?" I joked with him.

"I'd say I'm quite clever without smoking," he grinned, "just like to feel free."

His face got serious as he looked around, the wind blowing his curls away from his face. He seemed like a very upbeat, very positive and outgoing person. Yet, he looked as if he had something to hide. I didn't know him at all, but I could read him.

"Harry, there you are," I heard a voice saying. I turned to see one of the professors of the uni walking up, "Liam told me you were here."

I turned back to Harry who looked miserable as he kept staring out ahead, "what is it?"

"Just was going to talk to you about your paper, but I see you've got company," he looked me up and down and I did the same back.

"This is Louis," Harry looked at me, "our new friend."

"Nice to meet you," I said quietly.

"You as well," he said as Zayn walked up, "I'll just go have a drink."

I watched him walk off as Harry chuckled to himself.

"Who invited him?" Zayn laughed.

"No one. He shows up, you know that," Harry replied.

Zayn nodded and sighed, "I've gotta go... I'll be back later."

"Ok, be careful," Harry said as he finally came back over the wall. He pulled his cigarettes out again.

"Can I?" I pointed to them.

He looked up at me and smiled as he handed me the pack after taking one, "of course. You ever smoked, or are you a virgin there as well?"

"I'm not," I laughed, "and yes, I've had cigarettes."

"So, you've had cigarettes and beer, "he said biting his lip, "that's it?"

I smiled and shrugged after lighting the cigarette.

"What... are you one of those sheltered children?" He smirked.

"No," I smiled at him, "I was just... never really much of a partier. Didn't have a lot of friends like this. I stayed to myself."

"Why?" He asked sounding interested.

"Uh, well, I don't know," I said, "just liked simple."

He smiled and nodded a bit, "well, you know what, Louis..."

I stared at him as he smiled, his dimples showing and the wind still brushing his curls away from his face.

"You've got friends now," he quietly said.

I smiled and looked away as he kept grinning and smoking.

We talked for another hour or so about little things... what it was like back home for me, but he wouldn't talk about himself. It bothered me. I had never been one to really open to someone but he was easy to talk to. And I loved that. I knew I had no right to get upset if he didn't want to talk about himself. I barely knew him... but I wanted to know him. Everything about him.

Zayn came back outside looking completely gone and handed Harry a joint.

"Thanks, man," he replied lowly, "he still here?"

Zayn nodded and turned to me, "does someone need to drive you back?"

"He can stay," Harry spoke up, lighting the joint and inhaling it, "if he wants."

"Uh," I started thinking about classes the next day.

"Oh, come on, transfer," Harry giggled, holding the joint out to me, "live a little."

I stared at it, then finally took it between my fingers. I put my lips to it and took a huge hit before coughing.

Harry laughed even more as he patted my shoulder, "you'll get it."

"Amateur," Zayn smirked.

"Hey, give him a break," Harry looked up at Zayn, "there's always a first, innit there?"

I took 2 or 3 more hits and breathed it out slowly. I could feel it coming on by this point. Everything seemed to slow down. It was incredible. Suddenly, my head was buzzing with ideas.

Harry nudged my leg, smiling, "well?"

"Uh," I rubbed my eyes, "got any food?"

They both started laughing and I did too. In that moment, I felt no embarrassment or tension. Just relaxation and happiness.

Harry managed to get beers for us and some food and we lay on his bed in his huge room talking and laughing over the most craziest and stupidest shit. I had never in my life blurted out the things I did.

I shared another joint with him, it was going on 3 am. But the smile hadn't left his face since we were alone. And I really liked that.

He would stare at me and listen intently as I talked about things, even stupid ideas. He seemed to get lost in me when I talked... though the feeling was mutual because I did the same when his lips started moving.

We both crashed at some point, but I was awakened by his alarm the next morning, completely sober and wondering what the hell had happened.


	2. Chapter 2

Louis Tomlinson

  
I looked down to see Harry's head on my chest, his curls in his face. I was shocked at first, but smiled as I watched him sleeping peacefully.

I reached over and turned off his alarm. He didn't move an inch. I starting climbing out from under him, noticing his bare chest and tattoos. He curled back up to his pillow and sighed.

I didn't wanna wake him so I got up and found my shoes and tried to be as quiet as possible. I looked back at him lying there, a smile crossing my face. I would never forget the night before.

I walked downstairs to see Niall standing at the door, "hey, Louis, didn't realize you stayed."

"Uh, yeah," I laughed rubbing my eyes, "got a little too high and drunk."

"Ah," he laughed, "headed to school? I'll give ya a ride."

"What about Harry?" I asked looking upstairs, "he'll miss class."

"That's normal for him," he laughed, "he'll catch up."

I nodded a little and walked to the garage to get my books from Harry's back seat. I noticed something in front; it was a paper. A term paper with a note: 'see you tonight'. I heard Niall calling from inside so I put it back down and hurried back.

"Sorry," I mumbled as I climbed in his car.

"It's alright," he smiled, "I just don't like being late."

I glanced back at the huge house in my mirror.

"You and Harry seem to hit it off," Niall started as we stopped at the gate, "morning, Rob."

The security guard greeted us and opened the gate and Niall continued on his way.

"He's not usually like that," he spoke up again.

"Like what?" I asked confused.

"Happy," he shrugged.

"Really? He seems like a really happy person," I said as I grinned to myself when I thought of that beautiful dimpled smile.

"He can be," he started, "he... he just seemed really happy. He's usually a smart ass, yeah, but he keeps to himself on things most of the time. Yet he seemed to get along with you just fine."

"I noticed he keeps things to himself," I mumbled.

"You'll get to know him," he said in a believable tone.

I didn't say anything else about him. The whole situation with him was happening so fast; but I, for some reason, didn't want to find the brakes to stop it.

First class was boring. I took notes and tried not to fall asleep as I kept glancing around for Harry, though he never showed.

Second class was nearly over with when I saw him come in in the same clothes as the day before. Of course, so was I. He took a seat towards the back eyeing me again and smiling beautifully. I couldn't help but return the smile as I glanced back at him.

When class ended, he went up to the front and I watched him hand a paper to the professor. I took my time getting my things and kept my eyes on him.

"It only had to be 7 pages," the professor scolded as he flipped through them.

"Got carried away," he replied. He came back to his desk and got his bag as I waited by the door.

"Hi," he smiled at me, "nice to see you made it. Could've woke me, bastard."

I smirked as he put his arm around my shoulder as we started to walk, "Niall said you'd make it, so..."

"Fuck that Horan," he nearly yelled, still grinning at me, "figures, oh well. He got his fucking paper."

I walked quietly, having a feeling I knew what paper that was. But I didn't dare ask. Not until the opportunity arose.

"So, where you headed after school?" I asked casually.

We walked outside and Harry stopped to light a cigarette, "nowhere special. Pub probably. Wanna come?"

"Uh, yeah, I'd love to," I nodded before laughing, "but I'd like to go back to my dorm and shower."

He nodded smiling, "I like the messy hair look though. It looks really good on you."

"Thanks," I laughed.

"I'll walk you to your dorm," he offered.

I nodded and we took off across campus together. We headed upstairs to my room in silence, Harry looking around the hallways.

"Damn, this place is depressing," he sort of laughed as I unlocked the door.

My roommate was out apparently as we walked in, "it's not that bad, I don't suppose."

Harry flopped down on my bed as I went through my drawers finding clothes. He sat back, propped up on his elbows watching me.

"You don't seem like the type for a place like this," he spoke softly.

I turned to him raising an eyebrow, "why? Do you even know who I am?"

"Not really," he smiled before adding, "but... I'd like to."

I chuckled to myself, knowing I was blushing, "do you always make friends this easy, Mr Styles?"

He grinned and sat up, "not usually, no. Most people don't like me."

"Really?" I stared at him, "you seem to be very likable."

He laughed a little and looked around the room, "most don't take the chance to know me. But I don't mind. I have my real friends."

I nodded and sat my clothes down on the bed.

"Shower at my place," he suggested quietly, then smiled, "has to suck having to share a bathroom with so many other guys."

"Yeah, sorta does," I smiled, "you sure you don't mind?"

"You slept in my bed last night," he laughed standing up slowly, "if I cared, would I have let you?"

"Uh," I picked up my clothes, "no, I don't guess you would've."

He smiled a little and glanced over at the bulletin board above Stan's bed while I grabbed my bag to put my clothes in.

"Stan Morgan," he said looking at the photos, "he's your roommate."

"Yeah," I replied watching him, "you know him?"

"Barely," he snorted, "he's one of the preppier gits here."

"Yeah, he told me to stay away from you," I said smiling.

"Figures," he turned to me, "he doesn't think much of me. A lot of people don't."

He buried his hands in his pockets and stood quiet looking at the photos.

"What makes them think that?" I asked, though I regretted it as soon as I had, "I'm sorry... I shouldn't have..."

"It's fine," he interrupted, "I'm just not everyone's cup of tea. That's all."

I nodded and placed my clothes in the bag. Harry turned back around and pointed to my books.

"Why don't you bring those? I mean, you can stay with me, us, tonight if you want."

I stopped and looked at him, considering his offer. He was right. This dorm wasn't me at all. He could read me too apparently. And he was exciting and intriguing... how could I say no to him?

"You don't have to," he sounded embarrassed as he laughed, "just thought..."

"No, I'd love to," I replied softly. He grinned at me, his dimples showing again when he did. "Will the other guys mind?"

"Hell, no," he shook his head, "it's my place anyways..." He stopped and tried to laugh, "I mean, it's ours."

I smiled and threw the books in the bag. But I wondered now why he had said that. Was it really his house? How did he afford it? Was his family that rich?

There were so many questions I wanted to ask him. He was a mystery to me and maybe he preferred that. But I wanted to know him for some reason. I wanted to be one of those he allowed in; I wasn't sure if he allowed anyone in though.

We rode back to his place in his convertible and talked about a lot. We joked around with one another. And as I sat there in that seat I began to wonder how he really felt about me. I didn't know if he was into guys or not, though that had been my guess from the first time our eyes met.

"So you played football at your other uni?" He asked me as we walked in from the garage again, "that's sick."

"You like football?" I asked while we walked through the kitchen. The house still smelled of weed and alcohol and I wondered if it was always like this.

"Uh, well, I've played a little with Liam and Niall. I'm not like a huge fan of it, and I'm definitely not good at it," he laughed as he took off his long black coat, "but I enjoy it for fun."

"I used to be obsessed," I admitted smiling, "wanted a scholarship to play for the Rovers."

"Doncaster Rovers?" He asked, "I went to a game once with Zayn. Was several years ago."

"I've been to a few myself," I said smiling.

"Hey, you're home," Zayn called while he walked downstairs, "good to see you again, Louis."

"You too," I smiled and took a seat at the bar.

"Damn, someone should clean," Harry joked looking at Zayn.

"Why me?" Zayn asked.

"You dropped out," Harry shrugged.

"Yeah, yeah," Zayn rolled his eyes and smiled, "I'll see you at the pub in a bit. Text me when you're on your way."

"Liam going?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, he's meeting us after his late class," Zayn nodded and picked up his coat, "Louis, I'm guessing I'll see you?"

"Yeah," I nodded smiling over at Harry, "I'll be there."

"Great," Zayn smiled at me and waved, "see you lads later."

"Where's Niall?" I turned back to Harry.

"Class," he replied getting out beers, "he's an overachiever."

I laughed, "uh, can I use the shower?"

"Yeah, use mine in my room," he smiled back at me.

"Thanks," I took my bag upstairs and walked in Harry's room and realized just how breathtaking it was. I had been quite drunk the night before and had hardly taken in its beauty.

He had a four poster bed with a clear veil that hung down from the ceiling on both sides of it. He had his own couch, huge flat screen, and even a huge balcony.

The bathroom was quite impressive as well... with a huge glass shower, an old fashioned tub; his bathroom must've been bigger than my dorm room.

I closed the door and started the shower water before undressing and stepping in. His body wash smelled like some sort of oak mixed with an ocean scent. And his shampoo smelled herbal, a scent I had caught from his hair several times. I smiled at the thought of his hair, how he looked when he pushed it back.

I heard music coming from his room as I finished up and got dressed. I looked in the mirror at my fringe.

"I like the messy look," I could hear his voice saying. I smiled and ran my hands through it,roughing it up some.

I opened the bathroom door and looked around his room, before noticing him on the balcony, the curtains blowing in the wind.

"You like the Script?" I spoke up from the doorway.

He looked over at me from where he rested against the ledge smoking a joint.

"I do," he nodded, "they're kinda my go to music most days."

"Mine as well," I smiled and walked out to look around, "God, this is beautiful. How long you lived here?"

"Almost 2 years," he replied, "I used to live in a dorm."

"You?" I almost laughed.

"Yeah, funny huh?" He smirked, "I know you don't know me very well, but yeah, dorms aren't me."

"No, I'd say not," I smiled.

He smiled and took a hit before extending it to me. I gladly accepted and took a seat beside him.

He watched me taking a hit and smiled proudly, "I think you've got it, Louis."

I chuckled a little, "I can't believe I'm sitting here smoking this with someone like you."

"Someone like me?" He raised an eyebrow, looking a little upset, but still smiling slightly.

"Sorry... I did not mean it like that," I quickly said, "I've never met anyone like you. And I don't mean that disrespectful at all."

"No offense taken," his face eased, "must've had boring friends back home."

"I didn't have many," I admitted staring at my hands. I picked up the cigarettes and lit one.

Harry took a hit of the joint, exhaled it, then took the cigarette from my mouth and took a hit while grinning as he blew out the smoke. He handed it back to me and put out the joint, "why didn't you have friends?"

"Uh," I laughed a little, "well, I kept to myself a lot, got along with the football team alright, but... I just preferred being alone, I guess."

"No girlfriends?" He asked curiously, watching me closely.

"Uh, a couple," I replied quietly looking at him, "but no one serious. What about you?"

"None," he smirked a little, "I've had sex with one girl."

"Really? Someone like you?" I said laughing, "seems like girls would really like you."

I bit my lip and sat quiet, knowing I shouldn't have fucking said that.

"What makes you think so?" He grinned.

"You're just..." I stuttered trying to find words. I didn't know how to phrase 'because you're fucking gorgeous'.

"I'm what?" He smiled looking intrigued. "Say it."

"You just seem like someone who would get a lot of attention," I replied feeling my cheeks burn.

He smiled at me, "you're into guys, aren't you?"

I stayed quiet while I stared at the cigarette in my hand.

"You can tell me," he spoke up, sounding completely serious now, "I won't tell anyone."

I took a hit of the cigarette and looked around the garden, "how do I know? I hardly know you."

He grinned a little and picked up the cigarettes, "you seem to be quite comfortable for someone who doesn't know me."

I smiled down at my hands, "you're right actually."

"You want to know the truth?" He asked in a whisper. I turned and watched him closely, a small smile creeping across his face, "I'm not straight. So there you go."

"Well, then," I laughed feeling relieved, "thanks for being honest."

"Figured you would've figured that out on your own," he laughed, " I mean, I did."

I grinned and felt totally vulnerable. I had gotten the feeling that he was into me. I just didn't have the guts to ask.

"So, Louis Tomlinson," he started, "your turn."

"Yeah, I'm not straight," I admitted finally glancing back at him.

"Is that why you didn't have friends?" He asked taking a hit of his cigarette.

"Uh," I started with a sigh, "I didn't want anyone to know, to be honest."

"Why?" He asked, "it's not a bad thing."

I smiled a little at him, "I know. I guess I've never really accepted it."

"You should," he said seriously, "being who you are isn't a crime, or something to be ashamed of, Louis. Hell, everyone knows I am. Which is why I don't have many friends. Real friends anyways."

"Stan didn't say anything," I said confused.

He smirked and pushed his hair back, "Stan hates me for that reason."

"Why?"

He relit the joint and sighed out, "because a long time ago at a party, he fucked me."

My eyes grew wide at his bluntness, "you and Stan..."

"He's a jock," he chuckled, "so, the next day, of course he denied it. And he's hated me ever since."

"Was he drunk or something? I mean, I don't get that vibe from him at all."

He laughed, handing me the joint, "he's not exactly gay. Yeah, he was drunk. I sorta influenced him."

I stared at him while he looked down at his hands, "wow. Do you just go after random guys or?"

"I'm not a whore," he laughed looking at me, "no, I was high and drunk. I had ecstasy, we both took it, and it just kinda happened."

I nodded and exhaled a hit, "so, he doesn't talk to you now."

"No," he smiled and sighed, "I don't mind. I didn't like him. That way. He was terrible in the sack anyways."

I burst out laughing at him and he just watched me smiling beautifully.

"But yeah," he went on, "he told everyone I made a move on him and everyone started calling me a fag and all that..."

He took a hit of the joint and smiled before turning away and looking upset again. I had no idea what to say to him. I could tell this was a touchy subject for him, too.

"I don't think that," I finally said, breaking the deafening silence that surrounded us. He turned back to me, still looking upset, "really. I think you're incredible. I've never met anyone like you."

He finally smiled that real smile again, "I'm sorry. I'm not someone who opens up about shit..."

"I got that," I nodded, "Niall told me."

He handed me the joint, "yeah, I'm usually a more reserved person."

"Maybe you shouldn't be," I spoke up, feeling confidence growing in me, "I kinda like this side, Styles."

He laughed and took the joint, "well, it doesn't usually come so easy with people. But you're different."

I smiled and looked around the garden. I liked being different. Maybe he would open up to me.

"You're pretty incredible yourself," he spoke up, a smile on his face.

"Am I? I'm pretty normal actually."

"No, that's a lie," he winked at me, "I think you have a side you want to bring out, you just don't know when to."

"Really?" I laughed, "why do you say that?"

"Just something I notice," he shrugged as his phone sounded. I watched him check it and the smile was gone suddenly. He texted quickly and sighed before putting the phone back in his pocket. "So, Louis..."

I sat up, looking back at him.

"What do you wanna do till we leave?" He asked smiling again.

"Uh, find some food," I laughed.

"Right. Forgot you're new at this," he patted my knee and stood up.

We wandered down to the kitchen and I sat at the bar watching him going through cabinets.

"What would you like?"

"Uh, anything is fine," I replied.

He pulled out some chips and handed them to me, giving me a quick grin, then getting out beers. He opened one for me and sat it down before taking a seat on the counter next to me.

"Thank you," I smiled up at him.

"You're welcome," he replied softly staring back at me, his loose curls falling into his face. He pushed it back and looked away quickly.

I ate some of the chips as we sat in silence. He was doing something on his phone while he swung his legs back and forth.

The silence between us became awkward. I wasn't sure exactly why, unless it was because we had admitted what we had already assumed about each other.

"So," he put his phone down, "how many boyfriends you had?"

I laughed and drank some of my beer, "honestly, I've not really had a boyfriend. I've had, uh, flings, I guess you could say."

He nodded and smiled before pushing his hair back again.

"What about you?" I decided to ask, "I bet you've had a fair share."

"Why?" He laughed.

"Well, you're fucking gorgeous," I managed to get out, "and funny, a total smart ass..."

He laughed and for the first time, I could tell he was blushing, "you think I'm gorgeous?"

"To be honest," I started, being completely serious, "you're the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen."

I stared down at my beer bottle feeling a little embarrassed for saying it, but I was high and it just came too easily.

He stayed quiet, staring down at his hands, fumbling with his rings. He finally smiled back, "I like you being high, Lou. It suits you."

I smiled when he called me that. He was the first person to ever use that nickname.

"You're not so bad yourself," he spoke softly, leaning over in my ear, then hopping down from the counter, "I've gotta run to the loo, Lou."

He giggled at his own pun and I did too. He was honestly too fucking adorable.

His phone sounded beside me... I looked to see a text with the name Darren. I wasn't trying to be nosey, but I read it... "Meet me tonight or the deal is off. Don't be like this."

I sighed and got up to get another beer. This wasn't my business. I had just met him. But whatever it was it didn't feel right. At all.

He came back in the kitchen as his phone sounded again. I watched him sigh and pick it up.

"Problems?" I asked.

He looked up at me and his face said enough. Whatever the situation was it was upsetting him.

"No," he lied, looking down at his phone. He tried to smirk, "just some douche that won't leave me alone."

I nodded and opened my beer.

"Let's go up to my room and listen to music or something," he said as I watched him lay the phone down, "if you're up for it."

"I'm up for it," I nodded, "should I grab a beer for you as well, love?"

He smiled, "yeah, thanks."

As we headed upstairs laughing about our classes, I began to feel like he was letting me in. But it also made me wonder if he was like this with a lot of guys. Was I going to be just another guy?

He lay down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling as I took a seat next to him, staring down at his beautiful face.

"Do you ever wonder where you'd be right now if you weren't here, at uni?" He asked, turning to me with his hands propped behind his head.

"Uh, yeah, I mean, I think everyone does at some point, don't they? They wonder what else is out there," I spoke softly.

He grinned a little, "yeah, suppose so."

"What is it you'd do?" I asked.

His eyes stayed on mine as he spoke quietly, "I'd be a singer."

"A singer?" I asked surprised, "really?"

"Yeah," he laughed, "it's just always been a dream I've had."

"Wow."

"No one else knows that, other than my mum and sister," he said.

"So, why are you telling me?" I quietly asked.

"I'm... I'm comfortable with you," he admitted turning to me, "I know it sounds bizarre, but yeah, you make me feel comfortable."

"I'm honored," I managed to say. He smiled and drank his beer. "You don't... You're not like this with everyone?"

"Fuck, no," he laughed and looked at the ceiling, "why? Did you think I was?"

"I honestly didn't know," I tried to laugh, "I just met you."

He smiled and sat up slowly, "true. I suppose you think I'm some sorta guy that picks up the new guys?"

"No," I laughed, "I don't think that. I'm just... I'm unsure I guess."

He nodded and finished off his beer before turning back to me, "can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I nodded, the look on his face beginning to intimidate me.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

I sat quiet, not expecting that question at all. What did I say? Of course I wanted to, but I hardly knew him.

"Sorry," he mumbled and looked down at his hands, "probably shouldn't have asked that."

"No," I spoke up, scooting over to him, "I don't mind. At all."

He looked back at me with a look I hadn't yet seen; he was vulnerable. He was showing me a side that had no guard thrown up around it.

"Do I want to kiss you," I thought out loud, smirking a bit, "if I said yes, would it matter?"

His face stayed serious as he slowly nodded.

"Ok, then, yeah, I'd love to," I replied in a quiet tone.

He sat there staring at me with such intensity and I got the feeling that he didn't want to make the first move. So I did. I leaned over, watching his eyes the whole time, until our lips finally touched.

There were no words to describe how it felt to have his soft plump lips on my own. It was like fireworks going off in my mind. His lips tasted so good against mine.

He put a hand on the back of my neck, pulling me in as close as possible as his tongue intertwined with mine. He was a hell of a kisser, that's for sure.

When I finally pulled away, he kept his eyes on mine, watching me.

"That was," I started quietly, "fucking incredible."

He laughed a little and pulled me in again for more. And I gladly accepted. He pulled my body over until I was almost straddling him. I felt his hands go up my shirt and caress my lower back, sending chills all over me as he bit my bottom lip gently then kissed me hard again.

"Harry, you home?" I heard Niall yelling from the stairs.

Harry looked at me and we hurriedly sat up, "yeah, in my room."

I scoot over to the headboard beside him as he lit a cigarette and shared it with me.

Niall soon appeared in the doorway smiling at us, "hey, you two. We heading to the pub?"

"Yeah," Harry nodded.

"Ok, I'm gonna change real quick," Niall said, "glad you're here, Louis."

I smiled as he disappeared and Harry sat quiet next to me, pushing his hair back again.

"At a loss for words, Styles?" I joked.

"Maybe smart ass," he slapped my leg playfully.

I grinned and got up to get his ashtray off the table by the couch. I sat it down for him and he flipped the ashes then handed the cigarette back.

"I'm sorry if that was too forward for you," he said quietly.

"What? No," I laughed, "it was fine. I enjoyed it. Very much."

"I did too," he spoke softly looking at me, "I'm not... I don't usually do that. I mean...."

"I understand," I said trying to help him out as he looked embarrassed.

He smiled at me as I gave him the cigarette, "I like you, Lou. You're different. Than anyone I've ever met. Don't get upset by that."

"Never," I laughed, "it's actually good to hear."

He smiled and handed me the cigarette, "right. Well, I gotta get dressed."

I watched him open his closet and walk in while I put the cigarette out and walked over, "this is your closet?"

I noticed a whole side of just boots, like the ones he was wearing except different colors.

"Uh, yeah," he laughed, looking through his long line of clothes.

"You must be loaded," I chuckled and looked through his shirts. All of them were name brand.

"I don't wear half of them," he said as he took off his shirt. I finally got a good look of those tattoos. He had 2 swallows on his chest, a butterfly mid stomach, and vines on each side of his pelvis. I pretended to look through shirts instead of staring at his bare body.

"You can borrow one," he spoke up, "I don't mind."

"I'm more of a t-shirt guy myself," I smiled.

"Well, feel free to go look through my drawers," he said, "I have plenty of those."

"How do you..." I started before stopping.

"What?" He asked as he buttoned up a black long sleeve shirt. He left the top few unbuttoned revealing his chest, "how do I afford it?"

I managed to nod as he answered, "mainly just family."

He pulled out some black skinny jeans next, "is your family that loaded?"

"Not really," he sort of laughed as he came out of the closet and took off his other pair. I couldn't help but stare and he caught me as I tried to look away, "I don't mind. You can look."

I smiled a little and looked through his drawers for a shirt. He had a really nice shirt with skulls on it and I quickly pulled it out. "Do you mind?"

"Nope," he grinned, " it'll suit you, I think."

I smiled and took off my shirt.

"What does that say?" He asked stepping over to me and pointing to the tattoo on my chest, "'it is what it is'".

"Yeah," I smiled.

"I like that. Didn't think someone like you would even have tattoos."

"I'm not that reserved," I smirked, "I like them. Just not as much as you apparently."

He laughed and started running his hands through his hair, "I love your sassiness, Lou."

I smiled and messed up my hair more. Harry stopped and turned to me, fixing the front so it was messed up over my eyes.

"You know what, you need gel," he headed in the bathroom, "come on."

"What?" I laughed and followed. He started the water in the sink and wet his hands.

"Come here," he said softly. I stood next to the counter while he put his hands in my hair, wetting it a little. I smiled as he kept trying to make pieces stand up. "Ok, now gel."

"What are you doing to me?" I laughed.

"You'll see," he smiled a little and put some gel between his hands then started applying it through my hair, molding pieces here and there.

"Almost done," he said as he kept his eyes on my hair. I watched his face as he concentrated. "There we go. That suits you."

I turned to the mirror and looked at it. I liked it a lot.

"Well?" He rinsed his hands.

"I love it," I smiled, trying to fix a few pieces.

"Stop," he grabbed my hand away and smiled, "it looks brilliant."

"Thanks. Was nice of you," I said quietly.

"No problem," he smiled, "you look... great."

I grinned, "thank you."

"Welcome," he replied softly staring at me. He leaned in and kissed me softly and my hands went straight to his messy curls.

He pushed me back against the counter as we kept kissing. He kissed down my neck, then pressed his forehead against mine as he looked in my eyes, "we've still got a few minutes."

"What are you implying?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

He smiled slyly and reached for my jeans, keeping his eyes on me, "do you mind?"

"Uh," I tried to mutter as my zipper went down. He stopped until I said so. "No... no, I don't mind."

He grinned and kissed me hard while he put his hands into my pants, grabbing what was already hard. A sly grin creeped over his face as he pulled me free.

He dropped to his knees and pulled my pants down some, exposing all of me. He looked up at me before taking me into his mouth.

"Oh fuck," I mumbled out, leaning back into the counter more. It had been a long time since anyone had done this to me; but it was him. I had never felt like this before from this.

He grabbed my balls as he licked me up and down slowly, glancing up at me every few moments. I grabbed his hair as he began sucking me, taking every inch of me down his throat. He moaned out when I gripped his hair, which I did a little bit harder than I meant to but he didn't seem to mind at all.

"What... what about Niall?" I managed to groan out, "the door..."

"He won't come in here. Relax," he smirked up at me while he stroked me with his hand.

He took me back into his mouth and his lips and the wetness were too incredible. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was way too good at it.

I watched him suck me, his tongue flicking over the head each time he reached the top and soon my body was trembling and I felt myself reaching the point of no return.

Harry sped up as I came in his mouth, gripping his hair while I did. I moaned out really loud, louder than I meant to, as he finished me off, licking up every bit of me. I sighed and let go of his hair and steadied myself against the counter.

He smiled up at me and stood up slowly, "been a while, Tomlinson?"

I felt myself blush as I fixed my pants, "uh, yeah, it has."

"Don't tell me I was your first," he looked at me confused.

"No," I laughed shaking my head, "you weren't, I swear. It just... never mind."

"What?" He asked crossing his arms.

"Nothing," I mumbled, smiling a bit, "not a big deal."

He nodded and looked at me with a questionable look. But he didn't interrogate me. He just walked back to the mirror and fixed his curls and his necklace.

"Harry, you ready?" Niall called from the hall.

"Yeah," Harry called back, looking at me, "I think we are."

I smiled and went to grab my blue jean jacket out of my bag.

"That shirt, the hair, the jacket... it suits you," he smiled while putting his black coat on again.

"Thank you," I replied. He nodded and pushed his hair back.

He grabbed his cigarettes then went to the nightstand, pulling out a small metal box.

"What's that?"

"It's, uh," he started setting down the box on the bed. He opened it and I seen weed, pills, and even something resembling cocaine, "well, it's my stuff."

"Do you sell drugs or something?" I asked.

"No," he glanced at me, "it's not like that. The guys, me, we share this. I buy them."

I nodded and watched him pull out a joint and some pills. Apparently I had the hots for a druggie, not that I really minded. I only wondered how he afforded it all. This wasn't normal for any uni student. 


	3. Chapter 3

Louis Tomlinson

  
Few moments later, we had piled in Harry's convertible and headed towards downtown London to a pub they frequently went to. We all 3 shared a joint that Harry had brought and Niall was in laughing fits over the most dumbest shit. But I was so high so I laughed at how stupid he sounded and Harry telling me how stupid he always sounded on weed.

We arrived at a pretty upscale pub, joining up with Liam and Zayn. We all were seated at a table drinking rounds, laughing and talking about everything.

Harry was really high and drunk and was now dancing on the floor with a lot of people looking like he was having a wonderful time.

"You and Harry have gotten pretty close," Zayn spoke up beside me.

I looked at him while Liam and Niall were talking and laughing, "uh, yeah, we have."

I looked down at my drink as Zayn kept staring at me, "look, Harry's a great guy, he really is. But there's a lot to him. A lot you don't know."

"Like what?" I asked turning to him. I already knew he had a different side I wasn't aware of.

"I'm not gonna explain it to you because it's his place," he said quietly while looking at Harry dancing. "Just wanna say that I know... he likes you a lot. He's not usually like this with anyone."

"He's had close friends, "I said, "hasn't he?"

"Not like you," he grinned a little, "you're different. To him."

"He's never had a guy like me?" I asked.

"No, not really," he replied, "he made a good choice though. You seem like a great guy."

I smiled and looked up at Harry, "thanks, I suppose."

After a few minutes, a familiar face walked in and to our table. It was professor Johnson.

"Hey lads," he spoke up smiling at us.

"Darren, hey," Liam greeted.

And now I knew who Darren was. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to force a smile.

"Mind if I sit?" He asked. Niall scoot over and he took a seat across from me, "good to see you again, Louis."

"Uh, you too," I said looking over at Harry who was still oblivious to Darren's presence.

"Would've been here sooner but had too many papers to grade," he said, a server coming over and sitting down more beers. "How are you liking the university, Louis?"

"Uh, it's been brilliant," I replied looking back at him.

"Better than your other? Seems you've made great friends here."

Zayn rolled his eyes and drank his ale.

"Yeah, the lads, especially Harry, have been very accepting," I spoke up with confidence as I stared back at this 30 something year old professor.

He nodded at me as Harry walked up. He took a seat by me not even glancing at Darren. He grabbed my ale and drank it down really fast.

"Want me to order another?" I smirked.

"No, I've had enough," he grinned. He was completely wasted and high. "I'll never be able to drive at this point."

"I'd say not," I nodded laughing, "I'll drive it. I'm fine."

"You sure about that?" He grinned beautifully.

"Harry, care to go smoke?" Darren interrupted.

Harry looked over at him, his smile gone again. He nodded a little and sighed, "be right back, Lou."

I nodded and watched them walk off, Harry shaking his head while Darren looked to be talking to him.

"Can I ask who he is exactly?" I blurted out.

Liam and Niall looked over at me and then Zayn.

"He's just a friend of ours," Zayn replied looking at Liam, "Harry's kinda a slacker, so he helps keep his academics up."

Why did I feel there was more to what he was telling me?

"So, he just shows up when he wants," I nodded.

"Yeah, well, he's sorta a friend," Liam said looking around, "he does just sorta show up."

I nodded and looked back at the front of the pub where Harry and Darren had disappeared.

"I gotta piss," Niall giggled and got up. Liam followed him while Zayn sighed and turned to me.

"Look, Louis, I don't wanna lie to you. But Harry doesn't tell us anything. We see it. I know he helps him with his papers... but I don't know at what price, alright?"

"Price?" I asked confused.

"Try and talk to Harry about it," he replied simply, "alright?"

"I don't think he'll tell me anything," I said, "I hardly know him, ya know."

"Well, I have a feeling you'll get your chance to," he smiled. "Really, I've never seen him look at someone like he looks at you. It's nice. Because he deserves it."

"I should feel honored," I smirked.

"You should actually," Zayn grinned, "Harry doesn't let a lot of people in."

I already knew that. He was letting me in slowly, but he remained a huge mystery to me.

Harry and Darren came back in about 10 minutes later and Harry sat back down by me and ordered another ale, saying nothing.

I could feel the atmosphere change. Everyone's moods had changed upon their return and I was honestly ready to leave.

"I think I'm gonna call it a night," I spoke up.

Harry turned to me after drinking his ale, "already, Lou? It's only a little after 11."

"Yeah, well, I have a paper," I tried to lie.

"A paper?" Harry smirked patting my leg, "you've really gotta loosen up. Learn to live."

"I am," I started as I stared at him, "I'm here, aren't I?"

Harry grinned and looked to be blushing again, "ok, let's go. After all, you're driving me."

"I'll ride back with Liam," Niall said smiling at us.

"Ok, sounds good. See you guys at home. Zayn, don't forget to pick up the... you know," Harry said while he stood up stretching a bit.

"I got it," Zayn nodded.

"I'll text you later," Darren spoke up.

Harry nodded a little and smiled back at me, "sure you can drive?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, love. See you, lads."

They waved as we walked off, Darren's eyes on me.

Harry handed over the keys and I got in while pulling out my cigarettes.

Harry stumbled in the passenger's seat and sighed, "I'm gonna feel like shit in the morning."

"I suppose that means you'll miss your first class again?" I smirked.

"Yeah," he nodded. He was totally gone but still pulled out another joint and lit it.

"Shouldn't you wait until we're actually moving?" I laughed and started the car.

"What? Who gives a fuck?" He sighed and leaned back in the seat, "learn to not care, Lou. You're a lot better off, trust me."

"How are you better off?" I asked and pulled out of the parking area.

Harry looked back at me, "how are you better off not caring? Well, life becomes a lot easier... you stop giving a shit."

"I don't know if I'd want to be like that," I said quietly.

"Why?" He laughed, "not giving a fuck makes life more enjoyable."

"So, you don't like having feelings?" I decided to ask.

He sat quiet, looking out at the passing buildings while his hair flew from the wind, "feelings fuck up everything."

"Really?" I glanced at him, "I guess they sort of do."

He didn't look at me. He just stayed quiet. Again, I had ventured into a touchy subject with him.

"Can I have a hit of that?" I spoke up. He gave it to me and smiled a little.

We arrived back and I pulled the car into the garage. Harry opened his door and stumbled out slowly.

"Let me help you," I got out quickly and helped him by putting one arm around my shoulder and nearly dragging his tall ass to the door, "which key?"

He pointed to it, leaning against the door frame smirking at me. How could someone so drunk and high still look as desirable as he did?

I unlocked the door and helped him in slowly.

"I thought you held your ale better than this," I laughed and closed the door.

"I do," he giggled and stumbled to the staircase, "but being high, drunk, and on pills... this is what happens."

"At least you're honest," I joked and followed him up, "why the fuck do you do so much, Harry?"

He grinned a little and sighed, "because it's easier than giving a shit."

I was so confused by him. He had everything. He was really well off by the looks of it. So why would he want to not feel? What was it that drove him to that?

I wasn't sure what time it was when I woke up the next morning. My head was killing me as I opened my eyes, the sun shining through the glass doors.

I didn't really remember crawling into bed with Harry, but I had apparently. He was snoring beside me in nothing. Absolutely nothing. I rubbed my eyes and stared at this beautiful being beside me. His phone kept buzzing on the nightstand.

I got up, grabbed my sweatpants and walked around the bed. I glanced down at his phone: 2 messages from Darren. One read, 'thanks for coming' and the other said, 'see you tonight'.

I swallowed hard and glanced back at sleeping Harry. I wondered what the hell was going on. I already knew but I didn't want to believe it. The guy was at least 35.

The time was nearly 8. Class. But for some reason, I decided I wasn't going. I wanted to stay with him.

I walked downstairs to see Niall ready to go again. That boy was never late.

"Hey, Louis," he beamed at me, "you coming?"

"Uh, no, I'm gonna skip," I smiled, "hang out with Harry for a bit."

"He's becoming a bad influence," he joked, "alright, see ya later, mate."

"Bye," I waved as he left.

I went to the kitchen to make coffee but it was already made and Zayn was sitting at the bar on his phone.

"Hey, guess you're moving in," he smiled over at me.

"Uh, well, wasn't my plan," I laughed and took out a cup, "kinda just happened."

"It's Harry. He'll have you moved in in no time," he laughed.

"Why do you say that?" I asked and made my coffee.

"He likes you," he said quieter, "a lot."

"How do you know exactly?" I asked.

"I can tell," he replied, "I've known him long enough. He's... he's not like this."

I stayed quiet and sipped my coffee.

"Is he back?" He asked casually while he looked at his phone.

"Back? He's asleep," I started, "I didn't realize he even left after we returned."

Zayn looked embarrassed to have said it, "oh, I'm sorry... I guess I thought you knew."

"Where'd he go?" I asked.

He turned back to his phone, "to see a friend."

I nodded and played along, though I knew who it was. I wasn't stupid. And the situation was beginning to really piss me off.

"So, Louis, what's your story?" He asked.

"Uh," I started, "don't really have one. I'm... I'm just a normal lad. I graduated, laid out, went back, moved here."

"And you're 21?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "I'm old. Too old for fucking uni. But here I am."

"You're not old," he smirked, then got serious as he almost whispered the words, "do you like Harry?"

"Yeah, I do," I replied looking at him, "he's brilliant. I mean, I've just met him, but yeah... he's amazing."

He nodded and smiled a little as he got up, "well, I gotta get going. I'll see you later, I'm sure."

"I'm sure you will," I grinned at him as he sat his cup down and picked up a small bag next to the garage door before heading out.

I sat the coffee cup down and looked around the house. I still couldn't believe this was his. What kind of job did his parents even have?

I decided to go get my clothes and change and head to school. I figured since he had stayed out till who the hell knew when he wouldn't be up anytime soon.

When I walked in the bedroom, however, Harry was lying in bed his phone in his hand. He glanced over at me, a small smirk on his lips.

"Hey," he said softly, "you're still here. What, are you moving in?"

"Uh," I laughed," well, I couldn't really leave, could I? Unless I took the bus. Besides, I don't remember even falling asleep."

"Oh," he chuckled, then turned back to his phone, "what's the last thing you remember?"

"Walking you upstairs," I rubbed my head and sighed, "hangover's fucking killing my mentality at the moment."

"Right," he got up slowly and pulled his Calvin Klein boxers on before getting his box out. He pulled out a joint and grinned at me. I followed him to the balcony and couldn't help but snicker. He noticed when he looked at me, "what?"

"You're in your underwear," I laughed while he lit the joint and took a huge hit before leaning his head back and exhaling. God, he looked fucking incredible doing it.

"This is me," he looked back finally, his face serious and seductive, "here, cure your hangover."

I accepted it while he lit a cigarette. I studied him as he leaned back against the glass door and stared at me.

I turned away when I noticed his eyes; I could feel them on me even after looking away. He wouldn't stop looking. I was becoming bothered by it... in a really good way.

"Is it helping?" He finally asked.

"Yeah," I nodded smiling a little, "it's amazing. A quick cure."

"I've always thought so," he whispered a little while still staring, "you skipped, huh?"

"Uh, yeah," I shrugged as I stood next to him against the glass looking out at the trees and the sky. "Didn't feel like going."

"Didn't you have a paper?" He laughed raising an eyebrow.

"Uh," I chuckled, "I did. But it can wait. Oh well, right? Live a little."

"Live a little," he smiled, "yeah, it's a good motto. Sorta like it is what it is, yeah?"

"Yeah," I nodded looking down at my tat.

"So, Lou," he spoke raspy, "what made you get that? What was your inspiration?"

"My inspiration?" I asked and handed him the joint. I was high now and thankfully could think a lot clearer. "Uh, well, I was finishing school, just graduated. And well, I was so fucking frustrated with everything."

"Everything like what?" He asked seriously, "you seem like a guy who has his head straight... in most areas..."

He laughed at his pun again and I shook my head and smiled, "yeah, that was my problem. I was fighting it."

"Your identity?" He asked. He was more serious now and he even looked vulnerable again, "did you have someone come along and push you to feel that way? And you weren't sure you wanted that life?"

I looked back at him and nodded slowly, "are you reading my mind or something?"

He smirked and looked back out at the trees, "no, I'm just good at reading you, I guess."

"It was like that, yeah," I said quietly, "but I still didn't want to accept it."

"No point in fighting it," he sighed out his hit, "it'll eat away at you if you do."

I stared at him and he looked away, "why do you say that?"

"It's... it's nothing," he replied and handed back the joint, "wanna go cruising?"

"To where?" I laughed.

"Does that matter?" He grinned and threw out his cigarette. He walked in and I watched him go in his closet. I put out the joint and walked in to change. He came out as I changed pants and his eyes were on me again. No words were said between us.

I took out some different clothes and dressed quickly while he took his clothes in the bathroom and turned on the shower. He left the door open, of course, and I watched him get in and close the door.

He was honestly so mesmerizing. Everything about him was, not only his body but his eyes, his smile, the way he carried himself. I wondered if he knew how beautiful he really was.

"Where are we going exactly?" I decided to ask while I leaned against the bathroom doorway.

"Uh, breakfast and then class," he replied, "If you're up for it."

"Class?" I laughed, "you're actually going to go?"

"Yeah, to my second," he replied.

"Alright, sounds good to me. Hurry your tall arse up, I'm fucking hungry," I joked with him.

"Have you always been this sassy, Lou?" I heard him laugh.

I caught him smiling in the shower with his eyes closed while he finished rinsing his hair.

"Actually, yeah. My mum hated it," I replied with a grin, "got in loads of trouble at school for it. Tons of times."

"Wow," he laughed again, "I love it, though. It really suits you. You're like this tiny fireball."

"What?" I nearly exclaimed while smiling, "are you calling me short, curly?"

"I didn't say short. I said tiny," he giggled, "you're delicate."

"Delicate?" I asked, "that's fucking worse than calling me short. I'm not fucking delicate."

"Ok," he laughed, "Jesus, don't crucify me for it."

"Jesus knows I'm 5'9," I replied grinning as Harry burst out in laughter in the shower holding his stomach.

"Alright, stop," he kept laughing.

"You started it," I called to him.

He was still laughing as he shut the water off and stepped out. And I finally got a good look at all of him. I tried not to stare but it was actually quite hard not to. He was more beautiful than I had imagined.

"What?" He smirked as he grabbed a towel and started rubbing it through his hair.

"Sorry," I said quickly looking away.

"Lou, I was just in bed with you with no clothes on," he giggled a little.

"I... I didn't look at it," I said feeling a little embarrassed.

"Well, look. I don't mind," he grinned and started toweling off.

"You're beautiful," I whispered to him staring straight in his eyes.

"Thank you," he replied seriously.

"Welcome," I said before smirking, "Jesus also knows what a filthy boy I am right now."

His face lit up again and he laughed that crazy sounding laugh of his and I couldn't help but laugh too. It was one of the greatest sounds I had ever heard.

He continued to smile while he got dressed. He walked to the mirror and tried to run his fingers through his wet curls.

"God, I look like shit. I need a day where I can fucking sleep in peace all fucking day. Just shut out the world and sleep in peace," he was nearly yelling and throwing his hands in the air. He caught me snickering in the mirror, "what? It's true."

"Yeah, I suppose it is," I nodded and smiled at him.

He grabbed a hair tie and put it on his wrist then walked to the bedroom finding his boots. I sat back against the dresser waiting on him to be finished.

"Would you like to drive this morning?" He asked as he got up to get his wallet and keys, "I'm guessing you drove fine last night, although I remember nothing. We made it here in one piece."

"Well, I hit an old lady's cat, the gate down there, and smashed into your columns in the drive, as well, love," I joked, "but she's still drive able, I assure you."

He shook his head and laughed while we headed downstairs to the garage.

I got in and started the car while Harry sat in the passenger seat still messing with his hair. It was a sunny day, a beautiful morning, and I honestly couldn't have been happier as I sat there with him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gets a bit deep and intense in this one. Just a warning.

Louis Tomlinson

 

We drove to the heart of London laughing and talking. He even started explaining how he got here.

"Yeah, it was my mum's idea," he began, "I wanted to sing. But I applied and got in. She helped me and as much as I hate it here sometimes I still thank her for doing it for me and for helping me make the decision."

"Are you close?" I asked.

"We... we used to be," he sighed and leaned his head back against the seat, "Gem and I talk through text. But I don't go home much anymore."

His mood had changed again so I tried to lighten it, "so, you wanted to sing; let's hear it then."

"What?" He laughed, "I don't know, Lou."

"Oh, come on," I nudged him, "you can't be that bad."

He grinned a little and nodded, "alright."

He picked a song from his phone and it started playing through the car speakers. It was a song called Use Somebody by Kings of Leon and I knew it by heart. It was one of my favorites.

I drove and listened to him sing every single note perfectly, and it was honestly so amazing. His voice was unbelievable. I didn't know how else to describe what I heard. He put everything he had into every word. He would even close his eyes and get lost in the music... like the world didn't exist in that moment.

When the song ended, he finally smiled back at me, his cheeks already flushed.

"Wow," I managed to say, "you're really fucking good, Harry."

"Thank you," he smiled, "just something I've done since I was about 5. I don't know why. I fell in love with music and singing at a really early age."

"Well, I'd have to say you definitely have the voice for it," I nodded, "I'd pay to see your show."

He laughed a little and pointed up the street, "this place."

We sat and talked while we ate breakfast in this quaint little coffee place. We discussed school a bit more and he talked about how much some of the professors sucked ass. I had my guesses on who he actually meant.

He ate very healthy for someone who seemed so carefree. I had noticed that the first day, but this was honestly the first real meal we had shared together. He ordered black coffee, yogurt with granola, and a wheat muffin. I was impressed with him. No wonder he looked so fucking good.

When we left for the school, he lit a joint and we shared it the whole way back. It was spectacular. He was laughing and smiling and that's all I wanted... him happy.

We took seats together this time, Niall looking up at us from the front.

"He's such a nerd," Harry whispered in my ear laughing.

I chuckled quietly and pretended to listen to the professor while Harry had his phone out. I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see Darren's name again. He was texting him back and I read the words, 'tonight won't work. Just come to the pub later. I'll come over tomorrow.'

I bit my lip and looked back at the board while Harry put his phone away.

"So fucking boring," he whispered.

I smirked a little and he smiled up at me from where his head rest against the seat.

Stan looked up at us from 2 rows in front of us and gave Harry a look that could kill. A smile creeped over Harry's face and he waved at Stan like he was one of his closest friends.

I couldn't hold back my snickering as I covered my mouth and tried to be quiet.

"He's gonna kick me out," I whispered to Harry.

He smiled even bigger, "maybe that's my plan?"

I raised an eyebrow and gave him a questionable smile, though I knew what he was implying. He just smirked and chewed his gum glancing back at Stan then back at our professor who was still going on about who the fuck knew what.

I kept jotting down random notes while I tried to pay attention. Harry smacking his gum just to get a grin out of me was making it quite hard to focus on anything. He sat up and took my pen, then started writing...

"Circles are meant to be broken. Patterns are meant to be changed. You broke the circle. You changed the pattern. - H"

I read it closely and glanced back at him, his eyes already on me. I swallowed hard as I studied him... what did he mean exactly?

He put my pen down and sat back again, staring at the professor. I didn't get him. At all. He was a puzzle to me, that I wanted to solve desperately.

When class was finally over, I folded the piece of paper and stuck it in my pocket while Harry stared down at his phone.

"You two made it," Niall smiled at us, "Harry, you need sleep, bro."

"No fucking shit," Harry smirked as he placed his phone in his back pocket, "you going to the pub, Niall?"

"Uh, yeah, might bring Mel," he nodded as we walked out together.

"Who's Mel?" I asked.

"Niall's woman he's seeing," Harry smiled at me, "you need to bring her over."

"I will," Niall nodded, "tomorrow probably."

"Perfect. Ed's bringing guests," Harry replied and placed his arm around my neck while we walked. He was a bit bigger than me. It was quite ironic since I was the oldest, at least out of everyone Harry had introduced me to... minus the fucking git professor.

"Another party?" Niall asked when we reached outside. I saw a familiar face a few feet away, holding papers and staring at us. Harry quickly retreated his hand from me and looked down. "Look, let's just go. You don't have to talk to him, Harry."

Harry glanced at me and he knew that I knew.  Did he really think I was stupid? If Niall, Liam, and Zayn could figure it out, of fucking course I would too.

"I'll go talk to him," he mumbled a little and walked off running his hand through his hair.

I kept staring over at Darren and Harry. Harry wasn't really talking. He was just standing there, arms crossed while Darren seemed to be doing the talking. He looked, to put it simply, apologetic and sympathetic. He placed his hands on Harry's shoulder and was talking to him right in his face... not something any normal professor would do to a student.

"Louis?" Niall spoke up. I snapped out of my thoughts and realized he must've said something. I wasn't listening. "I asked if you wanna wait at his car, or mine."

"Yeah, sorry."

He just nodded and we headed for the parking lot, passing Harry. Darren's eyes were on me again and I could tell by his glance that he really didn't like me at all.

I stood next to Harry's car smoking a cigarette with Niall standing next to me.

"So, he's a friend to you lads," I started quietly, "what is he to Harry?"

Niall looked up at me, not expecting that, but he started looking around campus while he answered, "I'm sure you've already figured that out, haven't you? Doesn't take anyone long. Hell, everyone suspects it... apart from the staff here at uni."

"How old is he?" I asked.

"He's 38," he nearly whispered.

"Seriously?" I asked loudly, "I don't fucking get it. How... why?"

"I don't know myself, Louis," he said lowly, "but none of us like it. We don't really hate the guy, but the whole situation is fucked up."

I nodded as I saw Harry finally walking out to us. Darren was still eyeing me from where he stood. I kept my eyes locked with his until Harry made it to us, forcing a smile.

"Can we go get wasted now?" He smiled, "Niall, see you at home?"

"Well, I'm going to Melissa's first," Niall winked, "I'll be back in a bit though."

"Have fun," Harry smiled and started the car, "that class was so fucking boring."

"Yeah, it really was," I smiled a little as I placed my hand in my pocket feeling the note he had written.

The drive back was quiet. He wasn't saying much. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts.

"So," he finally spoke up, "what's your parents like?"

"Uh," I started, "well, my mum and step dad are amazing. My sisters are, too, believe it or not."

"How many do you have?" He asked.

"I have 4," I replied.

"What?" He looked surprised, "4 sisters? Damn. Do they look anything like you?"

"Uh, Felicity does a bit," I nodded.

"Must've sucked growing up with 4 sisters," he smirked, "did you play Barbies with them?"

"Really?" I asked laughing.

"I'm joking, totally joking," he laughed.

"Smart ass," I smiled and he smiled that beautiful deep smile again... a real smile. There was no forcing that one. And it was one I had only seen him have for me.

We went out to the same pub again that night, sat in the same booth and Harry got plastered out of his mind again. Darren sat with us watching me closely. I didn't like this a bit.

Harry was, of course, dancing again and looked to be so free. I couldn't help but smile and watch him. I wanted him to always be like that.

"So, you and Harry are hitting it off well," Darren spoke up suddenly, "you meet him in the hallway and now he's all that you can see."

"Can I ask why you don't like me?" I snapped at the douche.

"Because Darren is standing in the same damn hallway," Zayn spoke up, not looking at either of us.

Darren shot him a look like I'd never seen but it only pissed me off more.

I finished my shot and got up and walked directly out to the floor with Harry, the music pounding around us. He stopped for a moment, watching me as I started dancing with him. His smile grew while he started to dance again.

We were in a darker part of the floor now, away from mostly everyone, so I began pulling his waist into me. He responded by backing into me until he was rubbing his ass against me. He pulled my arms around him as he grinded against me, his hand going directly back to my ass cheek and pulling me in closer. I knew he could tell by now that I was turned on. Hell, he was rubbing all over it.

I grabbed his waist and just went with it, his head leaning back against my shoulder. I immediately started kissing his neck as I held him.

He only flinched a little, then sighed out, his hand going to my hair. I kept kissing his neck and jawline while his breathing picked up profusely. He tugged my hair as a soft moan escaped his lips. I bit his neck gently as we continued dancing. He guided my hand down his pants as he turned to face me... and I could see fire in his eyes. I kept eye contact as I gripped him through his tight jeans and he sighed out still staring at me. He kept his hand on top of mine as I gripped him.

He leaned in and kissed me hard... nothing soft about it. His hand gripped mine tighter, causing me to grip him harder and our kiss sped up as I used my other hand to pull his neck into me. His tongue intertwined with mine again just like in his room and I couldn't contain myself.

I stopped and stared at him. His look began to change and he let me go. I stared at him confused as he looked away.

"Harry," I started but he just shook his head.

He rubbed his eyes, "I'm... I'm sorry, Lou."

Then, he walked off the dance floor, leaving me standing there alone. He walked to the table and grabbed his cigarettes, then headed out of the pub with Darren following him slowly. I was fucking furious.

I walked back over to them and picked up my own cigarettes and turned to head outside.

"Uh," Liam started, "I wouldn't..."

I ignored him and kept going. I went out the doors and looked around the crowded sidewalks.

I was feeling so many things, mostly anger. I didn't get why he had pushed me away. He gave me a blow job for fucks sake. And I fucking knew he liked me. Maybe that's why. Maybe he didn't want to have feelings.

His car was parked a few feet away and I saw them... Harry and Darren in the car. I couldn't tell what was going on, but I just knew somehow. The anger in me was beginning to grow even more while I headed back inside.

"Hey, uh, I'm gonna go get my things," I told the lads, "gonna head back to the dorm."

"Really?" Liam looked at me.

"Yeah," I nodded trying to bite my tongue, "think I've outstayed my welcome anyways."

"Hey, we don't mind having you," Zayn spoke up, "just... come share a joint with me."

"What?" I asked. He got up and gave me a pleading look so I agreed, Niall and Liam looking at me as if they knew what was going on. And I'm sure they fucking did.

Zayn and I stood out in the parking lot by his car, Harry's car a few rows away.

"He's with Darren, isn't he?" Zayn asked lighting the joint.

"Yeah," I replied, trying not to even glance in that direction.

"Son of a bitch," he muttered as he exhaled the hit slowly, "that bastard has him on a fucking leash."

"Why?" I asked quickly, feeling the anger in me burning still.

"Can't say cause I don't even know," he looked back and gave me the joint, "I hate the cunt though. He acts like he's a fucking teen in love and he's almost 40."

I stayed quiet as I hit the joint several times in a row. I was fucking pissed and needed to calm down.

"Could you take me to the house so I can get my things and go?" I spoke up.

"If you want, yeah," he nodded, "I'd rather you stay though."

"Why?" I asked, glancing back at Harry's car... he was out now, smoking a cigarette with Darren standing next to him.

"Because he needs you," Zayn said quietly. I turned back to him and he was serious. Completely serious. How, I wasn't even sure.

"What?" I nearly laughed, "he seems to be fucking fine, Malik. Look at him."

"He needs something real, Louis," Zayn responded, "he doesn't realize that yet... Or he may have just realized it."

"I think he has," I replied flatly, reliving the dance floor in my head. I took another hit and finally was high enough to care a bit less, though I still wanted to fucking punch something.

I wanted to go back to my dorm, pretend I never met him, but now that was impossible. Because he was all I saw now.

"Circles are meant to be broken, patterns are meant to be changed. You broke the circle, you change the pattern - H"

I squeezed the note inside my jacket as I kept seeing those words. How had I changed anything? Unless it was because he had feelings for me... real feelings.

"I'll stay," I sighed, "but I'll take a different room or something."

Zayn nodded and patted my shoulder, "good cause I like having you in our group."

I smiled a little and looked back at Harry. He was talking to Darren but looked anything but happy.

"I'll get a cab," I said quietly.

"I don't care to drive you, really," Zayn said pulling out his keys.

I nodded, "alright, thanks, mate."

We got in and left. I didn't want to leave him there. But I had to get away before I said something I really regretted.

Zayn let us in and I headed straight for Harry's room to shower.

The dance floor was still stuck in my head while I stood beneath the warm water. Yeah, I was angry at him, but those precious moments of us dancing weren't going to go away. Not until I made them.

So, I did it. I gave myself the best hand job ever while imagining Harry's hips grinding against me... his cock in my hand, his emerald eyes staring back at me with so much intensity. That's all it took... I was done. My hand job may have lasted a total of 1 minute and 30 seconds. That's the affect he had on me. I wasn't sure I really liked it.

I was out getting dressed when I heard movement in the bedroom. He was back.

I got dressed quickly and opened the door to see Harry standing there leaning over his dresser and what sounded like sobbing. Was he actually crying?

He obviously was oblivious to me even being here, probably still too drunk and high.

I cleared my throat as I walked out of the bathroom. Harry jumped and looked at me, his eyes red. He was crying.

"I... I didn't know you were here," he sighed, putting his head back down as he started changing, "shouldn't you be in your dorm?"

"Yeah, I should," I whispered as I put my clothes back into my duffel. I picked it up and slipped my Vans on. I didn't even want to make eye contact with him. He was too busy getting out of his clothes anyways.

So, I took the bag downstairs and sat it by the door. Did I really want to leave? No, I wanted to stay for him. But I didn't think he wanted the same.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch instead and woke up about 3 am. I had heard a door open... the front door. I hadn't seen who it was though and I figured it was probably Liam or Niall. I didn't see them before going to sleep. I waited a few minutes trying my best to go back to sleep, but my thoughts weren't allowing me to. So, I got up, took my cigarettes with me, and stood out on the huge balcony.

I glanced in Harry's room and I saw Darren. He was sitting on the bed and Harry was rubbing his eyes. Harry turned back over like he was going back to sleep but then Darren started undressing and I watched him climb in bed with Harry, Harry acting as if he didn't have a choice.

I stood there and I felt tears stinging my eyes, but I couldn't turn away. There was no passion involved. Harry was only going through motions while Darren fucked him in that bed.

Why did he allow this? If he hated it why did he let him?

I stood frozen as I watched them. Harry's hands were now gripping the headboard, his eyes closed shut as Darren fucked him so hard the bed was moving. I closed my eyes and finally tore my eyes away for a few seconds as I sat down on the ledge.

Darren was finished now and he was getting up, Harry lying still and not even looking at him. Darren kissed him and got dressed. Harry just lay there, showing no emotion whatsoever. It was hurting me.

After Darren was dressed, he said something then left the room. I stayed where I was as I watched him go down the stairs and a few moments later a car engine started.

I looked back at Harry who was now covering his face and crying, what looked like uncontrollably. It was breaking me apart. This isn't what I had expected at all. He was lying there completely helpless and honestly he looked so broken hearted himself.

I collapsed against the ledge of the balcony, still able to see him. He was sitting up now, his hands still over his face and shaking. A tear fell from my eye as I sat here feeling fucking useless.

He got up and I watched him slip on his boxers and pick up cigarettes. He was coming outside.

He opened his balcony as I stood up and causally acted like I was smoking and on my phone.

"You're... you're still here?" He stuttered out.

I looked back at him and nodded, "fell asleep on the couch."

"You wanna come over here?" He asked softly.

"Uh, sure," I replied and threw out my cigarette and walked back inside and right to his bedroom. I opened the door and he was watching me from the balcony, the wind blowing his hair, "you're still up?"

"Uh, yeah," he tried to laugh while not looking at me, "couldn't sleep."

"Ah," I nodded.

He extended his joint to me and smiled, "it's after 3, what's your excuse?"

"Don't really have one," I laughed a little.

"I'm sorry," he sighed, "for earlier... I didn't want you to leave."

"I didn't want to leave," I spoke up with confidence as I looked him in the eye. They were still red and he wiped them as he nodded.

"I saw you leave the pub," he started as he sat down on the balcony, his back against the ledge, "thought you had gone back to your simplicity."

I sat down next to him, "does that really exist?"

"Uh, not in my world," he kind of laughed and sniffed, "probably not in anyone's unless you're a smart git who has his whole life planned out... routines, families..."

"I don't know many like that," I said softly as I continued watching him closely.

He grinned down and pulled his knees up to his chest.

"Harry," I started nervously, "sorry for the pub. I just let it come over me."

He stared straight ahead as he exhaled his hit, "don't apologize. I should. Not you. You did nothing wrong, Lou. I liked it."

My heart beat a little faster at his short confession, "I wasn't sure. You kinda... never mind."

"My life is complicated," he sighed and stared down at his hands.

"I love complicated," I replied as serious as possible.

He looked at me and his eyes looked swollen, "you wouldn't like my complicated."

"Try me," I dared him, "please. It's not like it's not obvious to everyone, Harry."

He shook his head and looked away.

"Tell me," I said again, "tell someone the fucking truth."

"What truth?"

"You wanted me," I said seriously, "you know you did. So what the hell happened that you had to run with Darren to the car?"

He closed his eyes again and stood up, his back to me.

I stood up quickly and said it again, "tell me."

He turned to me and his eyes were full again, tears falling down his cheek, "he's a professor, Lou, that moved here to be near me. He's a fucking psycho who won't leave me alone, no matter what I do."

I stared back at him a little surprised he had admitted it to me. He looked away finally and wiped his eyes. He leaned back against the ledge and lit a cigarette.

"He won't leave you alone," I started walking up in front of him, "why? Why is that? Because you refuse to let him?"

"You don't understand," he shook his head.

"Then make me, god damn it," I shouted at him without even meaning to.

"I can't," he yelled back, "alright?! I can't! So, just leave. Just fucking leave!"

I stared at him in disbelief, "no, I'm staying."

"You're staying?" He almost laughed, "this is my fucking house, Lou. I make the fucking rules on who lives here. Not you."

"Thought you all shared it?" I asked sarcastically.

He turned around, his hands over his face again, "look, you're better off going back to the dorm. I'm... I'm sorry you got into this shit."

"Really? What.. did you pull that one on the other lads, too?" I asked harshly, "let me guess: no. Because I'm different, right? Because you haven't kissed them or sucked their fucking dicks!"

"I didn't ask for this!" He yelled at me, "I never asked for this."

"No, you did," I said back, "you did. I never asked for you to like me, but you did. Just like I never asked to like you in return. But it is what it is, right?"

He didn't say anything. He just looked away and wiped his eyes.

"I'll be downstairs," I mumbled and walked back in.

Why was I even here? This wasn't what I had in mind when I came here. Yet, here I was lying on HIS couch. Why didn't I just go back to my dorm? Why did I get mixed up with him?

I lay down in the dark and put down my phone as I tried to go back to sleep, though I knew it'd be impossible.

Someone touched me and I looked up to see Harry staring down at me.

"What?" I asked angrily.

He leaned down and kissed me hard, no hesitation. I immediately gave in, though I wasn't sure why. I was still upset with the fucker but there was no denying what I wanted.

He immediately straddled me on the couch, catching me by surprise. I pulled him as close as I could to me, our bodies against one another's.

His hands wandered under my shirt and I moaned in his mouth. I managed to pull it off and now our bare chests were against each other's.

He stopped for a minute and stared at me, "my bed."

I bit my lip as thoughts of Darren flashed into my mind, "I don't think now is the best time."

He looked at me confused, then realization hit him, "you saw us, didn't you? You were on the balcony, you had to have seen us."

He got up quickly, "it wasn't on purpose. Besides you're not very discreet anyways... Blow jobs in your fucking car..."

"This.. this was a bad idea," he closed his eyes and looked away, "fuck it."

He headed back upstairs and I got up to follow him, although I wasn't sure why. I stood at the door he had just slammed shut, debating on whether or not I wanted to do this. I did, but I was in over my head with him. I didn't want to be like everyone else. He fucking knew that by now.

So, I walked in, no knock. Just walked straight in. The lights were off again except for his fancy lights that put off stars and constellations on his ceiling, one of the first things I noticed in his room.

I climbed in the bed, his back was turned to me.

"If you're gonna sleep here, don't hog the covers." He mumbled.

I whispered, "I'm not everyone else, Haz. I haven't been since day one. You know that by now. I want you to talk to me."

"Fine," he sighed, "mr psychology, I'll talk tomorrow. Let me fucking sleep."

I sighed and lay back on the pillow staring up at the swirling constellations overhead until I finally drifted off to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **contains drug use

Louis Tomlinson

  
I woke up the next morning to an empty bed. I looked around the room for any sign of Harry, but he wasn't here. My phone said 7:30. Maybe he had gone to class?

I got up, threw on some jeans and a shirt and hurried downstairs in hopes that Niall wasn't gone... thankfully he wasn't.

"Hey," he greeted, "going to class?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "I need to."

"You look like shit," he said quietly, "go make yourself some coffee. I've gotta run back to my room."

I nodded and walked in the kitchen to see Harry and Zayn laughing about something. I ignored them and made my coffee, though I could feel Harry's eyes on me.

"Hey, Louis, you get to meet our good friend Ed tonight," Zayn said.

"Yeah, can't wait," I sarcastically replied.

"I've gotta go," Harry mumbled, "Zayn, uh, text me when you pick that up."

"Alright, mate," Zayn nodded as Harry disappeared in the garage.

"Fucking pathetic," I sighed under my breath.

"What's that?" Zayn asked.

"Nothing," I replied, "where's he going?"

"Uh, I don't know," he shrugged, "didn't ask."

I nodded and took my coffee to the front door and waited for Niall.

I did my best to push the thought of Harry Styles out of my mind on our ride to school... that is, until Niall fucking Horan brought him back up.

"Harry said he was glad you stayed."

I looked at him funny, "what?"

"Yeah, well, I overheard him and Zayn this morning," he said quietly, "Zayn said he asked you to stay and Harry thanked him for it."

"That's quite a shocker," I sighed and lit a cigarette.

"Why? Louis, he does like you," Niall looked at me.

"I'm sick of hearing that," I sighed in frustration, "I honestly don't think he knows who he fucking likes. He's too busy letting the professor fuck him, Niall."

Niall stared back at the road and stayed quiet. I was so irritated and frustrated with Harry that I didn't even want to think of it anymore.

First class didn't help... as soon as I saw Harry wasn't there, that's all I thought about; his whereabouts and if he was ok.

Second class, I barely paid attention... I kept staring at his note and wondering why he was like he was.

When it was over, Niall made his way back over and offered me a ride back. I had to pick up some things from my dorm room first before we went back to Harry's.

I had gathered up 2 bags and was headed back downstairs to the front door when I noticed Harry waiting there, his hair pulled back in a bun, sunglasses on, and of course, his skinny jeans and boots with a button up shirt.

"Well, funny to see you here," I said sarcastically to him as I opened the door.

Harry quickly grabbed one of my bags for me and looked anything but happy.

"Niall told me you were here," he started as he followed me.

"Ok, so, you decided to pay me a visit?"

"I decided to give you a ride, if that's alright," he said quietly.

"Why?" I asked as I stopped and stared at him, "why is that? You skip classes and you come here to give me a fucking ride."

He bit his lip and looked down, "you should know by now that I make absolutely no sense, Lou."

I nodded a little.

"Can I give you a ride?"

"I suppose, since you sent Horan away, right?" I asked smirking a bit.

"I kinda did," he nodded and grinned.

I shook my head and found myself smiling again as we threw the bags in the back seat and headed to his house once again. Things felt very strange between us now.

"Uh, I can take the spare room," I offered when we had returned.

Harry stopped at his door, "I... I don't mind you bunking with me. Really."

"Well, I didn't want to get in the way of anything," I started and then stopped, "sorry."

"You won't be," he said and opened his door. I sighed and threw my bag down with the one he had sat down. He wasted no time going to this closet and finding more clothes again as I took my cigarettes to the balcony.

Why the hell was I here? I couldn't stop asking myself that question. He made no sense, and yet he was holding me here. I was allowing him to. But I didn't want to be anywhere else.

He joined me on the balcony, a joint in his hand.

"I'm sorry," he started, without even looking at me.

"What for this time?" I asked.

"I'm sorry for what you.. you had to see," he mumbled, sounding really uncomfortable.

"Oh, that," I said and looked down at my hands, "I wasn't trying to spy..."

"I know that," he nodded, "and for the pub, Lou..."

He stopped and exhaled his hit as he bit his lip.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me if you don't want," I stepped in to say.

"I think I do," he said back, taking his sunglasses off. His eyes were swollen and puffy and I wondered how much he had cried last night. "Last night... when I thought you had left... I felt... I didn't like what I felt."

I looked back at him and I got it, "you mean, you didn't want to feel for me? You didn't ask for it to happen. Just like I didn't ask for the same fucking thing."

He sighed, "I'm not a person who likes to feel, Lou. You may not understand that..."

"Actually I do," I interrupted, "it is what it is, right?"

"it is," he whispered, "but what I want and what is... they're 2 separate things."

"They don't have to be," I said seriously as his eyes stayed on mine. He looked vulnerable and upset, "I've asked myself over and over again why I'm fucking here. And you know what, Haz? I can only answer it 2 ways..."

He bit his lip but kept his eyes fixed on me.

"One, I want to be because... I think you're amazing," I said quietly, "and two, because I think you want me here as bad as I want to be here. But you're such a puzzle to me... I don't get you on some things. I do get you on some things... But I'm still left trying to connect the pieces in between."

"I told you I'd tell you," he said, "I just don't know how to."

"I don't want you to if you don't want to," I replied.

"Problem is I do want to," he confessed, "give me a minute."

He gave me the joint and went in to his box again. I took a hit as I waited for him to come back.

I finally put the joint out and stood in the doorway while I watched him coming back from the bathroom, his phone in his hand. He sat down on the bed as I walked over to him. He breathed out a heavy sigh and shut his phone off completely, then threw it across the room.

He put his face in his hands again while I sat down. "No ones ever saw you like this, have they?"

He shook his head and sighed out.

"Then, why are you letting me?" I asked softly.

He looked back at me, "because you changed everything, Lou."

"You mean the circles and patterns..."

"Yeah, you fucked everything up," he sighed.

"I didn't choose to," I said.

"No, you didn't," he started, "but I did. You're here and I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

"No ones making you do anything," I said and scoot closer to him.

"You have no fucking clue," he closed his eyes and put his head down, "I didn't ask for this... for none of it."

"I can leave..."

"Not you," he looked at me, "this isn't about you. It is, yeah, but... there's a side you don't see."

"I've seen it," I nodded, "I just don't know what to make of it."

"It's not what you think, I'm sure."

"It seems pretty self-explanatory," I said quietly.

"He followed me here," he admitted, "he was a professor back home where I lived... he found out I was moving here..."

"What?" I managed to ask.

"Is it still how you thought?" He asked.

"Does... does anyone else know?"

"No," he replied turning back to his hands.

"Harry," I started, "why... I just don't get it. Why not just call the police?"

He sighed and got up slowly, placing his hand on his hip, "I've thought about it over and over..."

"Harry!" I heard Zayn calling.

Harry sighed and yelled, "we're in here."

Zayn opened the door and smiled at us, "hey, Ed's here. Party's gonna start soon. I'm gonna set up the DJ equipment and Niall and Liam are working on the liquor and food."

Harry nodded, "alright. We'll be down in a bit."

Zayn gave him a nod and smiled at me before leaving. Harry went to his closet and glanced through his shirts. I sat on the bed watching him and I honestly wasn't sure what to even say now. So, I got up and went to my bag to find another shirt.

As I changed, Harry was putting on a light blue jumper and fixing his bun. He caught me staring in the mirror, "can we talk more later?"

"I'd like that, yeah," I said.

He finished his hair before lighting another cigarette on the balcony.

I stood next to him and I could hear voices. Must've been a lot of people already here. "Do you throw a lot of parties here?"

"Yeah, a few," he replied, "they like using it cause it's so huge."

"Makes a great party house," I shrugged and looked around the back garden.

He stayed quiet beside me again.

"Harry," I started after clearing my throat, "patterns and circles are meant to be broken, you know. Things can't always stay the same way. They're not meant to."

He glanced back, no sarcasm on his face, "what if you're scared of change, Lou?"

I reached over and took his hand gently, not breaking eye contact, "everything you want is on the other side of your fear, more times than not."

He smiled a little and gripped my hand, "then, I guess I really have something worth while on the other side."

I grinned, "perhaps you do."

"I know I do," he said softly, his hand going to my cheek and caressing it, "cause you're here."

He kissed me softly and we both got lost in it. I threw my arms around him and embraced him. I wasn't aware of anything in that moment; just Harry.

"Uh, lads," Niall spoke up from the other balcony, "there's a lot of people here. Might wanna take that inside."

"We're coming," Harry smiled and threw out his cigarette.

Niall disappeared back inside as I turned to face Harry, "we can pick up where we left off later if you like, love."

Harry chuckled a little, "I'd like that."

I smiled and followed him inside. He didn't bother with his phone; it lay in the corner still. He just smiled as we wandered downstairs to the crowded room. Zayn was talking to a ginger haired lad as they hooked up the equipment.

"Ed, Louis. Louis, Ed," Harry said pointing.

"Hey, nice to meet ya, mate," Ed smiled at me, "heard a bit about you."

"Have you?" I laughed as Harry walked off.

"Yeah, well, Harry talks a lot," he smirked, "tells me you transferred from Donny. How you liking it here?"

"Uh, it's quite nice," I answered, "it's school, so you know..."

"Right," Ed laughed and drank his beer.

Harry had come back over with a beer for me and smiled at the two of us.

"Think we finally have it," Zayn said as he started up the music.

Liam was coming in the front with a few other guys with loads of alcohol.

"Now, it's a party," Harry shouted and threw his hands up. I couldn't help but laugh at him.

An hour later, the music was pounding throughout the house and people were dancing like crazy, especially Harry.

And God, did I love watching him. He moved so gracefully; he looked like he belonged on a pole as a fucking exotic dancer.

He smiled over at me standing a few feet away,then came over and grabbed my hands and pulled me to dance.

"I'm not.." I tried to say.

"Doesn't matter," he smiled, "just dance with me."

I grinned and started dancing like we had at the pub. This time though, we weren't going to stop. I'd make sure of that.

His head fell back on my shoulder again as I held him as close as possible. I ran my hand down his neck, then kissed it softly as I felt him flinching in his jeans. Fuck, I could feel myself the same way against his ass. He did too because he smiled slyly.

He stepped away and took my hand while he grinned and headed for the stairs. We made our way past people everywhere until we got to his room.

I followed him into the darkness as he closed the door and looked back at me.

He started pulling his shirt off slowly, "first thought, best thought..."

I grabbed him and pulled him down on the bed and kept kissing him, then licked down his chest while he breathed heavily above me.

I fumbled with his pants until I got them undone and he helped me get them off along with his boxers. He reached up and started for my own and I hurried out of them.

He gripped my ass as he kissed from my neck to my ear.

"Fuck me," he whispered seductively. And I couldn't say no. That's all I had been wanting to do.

He reached over to the night stand and pulled out lube, handing it to me, his eyes never leaving mine.

I put some on my fingers and pushed them into him slowly as he moaned out. He grabbed his cock and started stroking it as I fingered him. I moved his hand and swallowed him down my throat. His hands tugged at my hair as he continued to moan out.

I covered myself in the lube and entered him slowly while he cried out.

"Fuck," he sighed grabbing the sheets, "fuck me hard."

I gave him exactly what he asked for and he seemed to love every second of it, as did I... the intensity in his eyes as he stared at me while I thrusted into him. I could've came just from that. He was anything but quiet in bed and I was thankful there was a party going on right now.

His hands gripped the sheets harder as I thrusted into him as hard as I could, never breaking eye contact.

"Oh fuck," I felt myself so close. Harry screamed out as I went even harder and I couldn't contain it anymore.

Harry stroked himself fast until he came nearly seconds after me, his eyes squeezing shut as he moaned loudly. The sight of him was too much for me.

"Fuck, fuck," he sighed out loud.

I steadied myself on the headboard as I looked down at him, realizing what had just happened. It happened so fast that I didn't think nothing of it. But now, the high of the moment was subsiding and I had hoped Harry wasn't going to regret what he had just done. I sure as hell didn't.

He stared up at me, a smile crossing his face.

I grinned back and started to say something when someone knocked.

"Harry," I heard Darren saying.

"Fuck," he whispered as I got up off of him, "go clean up."

"Just tell him to go away," I said quietly as I watched him cleaning himself off quickly.

"Wait in the bathroom," he stared back at me, "please?"

I sighed and reluctantly agreed. I picked up my clothes and hurried in the bathroom closing the door a bit. Harry quickly got dressed and lit a cigarette and put it in the ashtray before opening the bedroom door.

"Yeah?"

"Hey, uh, Zayn said you were up here," I heard Darren saying, "you alright?"

"I'm fine," I watched Harry nod and went to his bed to take a hit of the cigarette, "I've had a pounding headache. Just wanted to get away from the noise."

"Uh, well, your paper is finished," Darren said, setting down a paper on the bed and glancing around the room. I was positive he knew I was up here.

"Thanks but you didn't have to bring it by tonight," Harry said quietly, "really."

"Well, I told you I was coming," he said as Harry opened his metal box, "Zayn gave me this to give you."

I noticed a small vial of something as Harry took it and sat it in the box.

"Thanks," he mumbled. "Uh, I'll be back down in a minute."

Darren nodded a little, "did your friend leave?"

"Who?" Harry asked casually.

"Tomlinson," he replied. Fuck, he had to know I was in here.

"He's downstairs somewhere," Harry replied convincingly.

Darren nodded and glanced at the bathroom before walking to the door. Harry stood behind him, letting him out. He quickly shut it and locked it.

"He knew," I seriously said, "did you see the way he kept looking around?"

"Who cares?" Harry sighed and took a seat on the bed.

"Apparently you if you're asking me to hide," I said flatly, "wanna talk now?"

"I'd rather wait until after the party," he looked up at me.

"Ok, fine," I nodded and walked out on the balcony, several people on the other one as I stood there and lit a cigarette.

"He might be over there," I heard Harry say from the doorway.

"Would you like to me hide again?" I sarcastically asked.

Harry grinned at me and picked up my cigarettes.

"Well, at least you smiled," I smirked and sat down against the glass, "there... Happy, Haz?"

"You don't have to do that," he laughed and sat down next to me, leaning his head back, "where'd that name come from anyways?"

"I don't know... It just popped into my head," I shrugged.

"I like it," he looked back and whispered.

"Do you want me to be a secret?" I asked curiously.

His eyes turned back to the skies above, "no, I don't."

There was thunder rolling in the distance as lightning flashed.

"You like me," I quietly said.

"I do," he whispered, "and I don't know how to deal with it."

"You've never done this before, have you?" I asked as his eyes met mine, "you've never really felt for a guy..."

"I have, but..." He sighed, "not like this, no."

"I can tell," I said, "but truth is, I don't think I have either."

He looked back at me almost upset again, "I've pushed every guy I liked away."

"Why?"

"Why do you think?"

"Why do you allow him to control you?" I asked sincerely, "there has to be a reason."

He sighed and sat up some, "he's always tried to be this sorta parent to me... ever since I was 16."

"16?" I asked through wide eyes, "you've known him that long?"

He nodded a little, "yeah..."

He looked down at his hands, "I was a fucking kid. He... he took advantage of me... but I never said anything to my mum, like I should've. Instead, I pretended like it never happened... until I moved and he followed me..."

"He...," I started, trying to process the words he had just said, "he took advantage of you... how'd... How'd he find out you moved?"

"I honestly don't know, to this day, I still don't know," he sighed, "he's stalked me for years so I'm guessing he had his ways. And few months after being here, he was offering to give me everything he could promise."

"Like?"

"Like all of this," he threw up his hands, "all of it."

"This is his house?" I asked.

Harry swallowed hard and nodded a little. Suddenly, it all made sense. He had bought Harry's life. All of it.

"He gave you all of it?" I asked, trying not to get angry, "why the fuck would you even..."

"Because," he interrupted, "I didn't fucking care, Lou. I didn't. I took all of it. I let him do my work for me..."

He stopped and sighed, pulling his hair down and running his fingers through it.

"I worked for a while as an escort," he admitted, "I bought a lot of my things by myself... he hated that. He didn't like the fact that I went out with all these different guys for money..."

I closed my eyes and looked away. His whole life was a fucking mess.

"How do you feel about me now?" He sighed and leaned against the glass again.

"I didn't expect that," I managed to reply, "who else knows?"

"No one," he replied, "I haven't told anyone other than you. Zayn knows a bit but not all of it."

"So, why are you telling me?"

"Because," he stared at me, "I don't want to be afraid to feel for you. I don't want to feel like my whole fucking life is one big fuck up... that I can't change who I am."

"I can't change you," I said seriously.

"No," he said, looking as if he could cry again, "but you make me want to change."

"I do? You hardly know me, Haz."

"Crazy, isn't it?" He laughed, "but... I feel like I've known you much longer than I have."

I smiled at him and his grin grew wider.

"Hey, do you want to get some beers and hang out here?" He offered.

"Yeah, sure, I'd love that," I replied, "I'm not much of a partier anyways. I mean, I am sometimes, but you're more interesting."

He blushed a little and got up, "do you want to wait here? Or come with me?"

"Depends... do you want me to be seen?" I laughed.

Harry smiled, "fuck it. Just come on."

I got up and followed him out of the room and downstairs, the music still booming and people everywhere.

We got to the kitchen finally and Harry grabbed a bottle of wine and liquor as I looked around for him... I didn't see him anywhere.

"Hey, where've you been?" Niall smirked at us.

"upstairs," Harry replied, "where's Darren?"

"Haven't seen him, maybe he left," Niall said.

"I'm never that fortunate," Harry mumbled and we went back to his room, him stopping to lock the door.

He sat down on the bed and opened his box, pulling out the vial.

"You ever done this?" He asked while he got a belt.

"Uh, not many times," I replied.

"It's harmless, unless you're addicted," he smirked at me, "you wanna try?"

"Uh, I suppose," I sat down next to him while he tied the belt around his left arm.

He glanced up at me, "if it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to watch."

"It doesn't," I said as I turned on his lamp, "just don't want you blowing a fucking vein."

"Do it for me, then," he smiled seductively.

"Ok," I laughed and took the needle full of liquid.

I felt for his vein while his eyes stayed on me and I could feel him studying me. "Ready?"

"Ready," he replied caressing my cheek as I stared at him, "hey, you should probably look down there."

"Right, sorry," I laughed and felt for it, before slowly pushing in the needle and injecting it. Harry closed his eyes and sighed as I watched him.

"You're brilliant at that," he whispered, "almost as brilliant as fucking."

I looked at him surprised, "really?"

"Well, you're pretty fucking good," he smirked, "your turn."

He prepped the needle then tied the belt on my arm as I kept my eyes on his face, his hair pushed behind his ear as he bit his bottom lip. He pushed it in and injected it slowly, watching me closely.

"You alright?"

I nodded a bit as I felt it rushing through my veins. It felt so fucking amazing. I lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Harry put the stuff away and switched on the constellations.

"Damn," I sighed, "this is incredible."

"Isn't it?" He giggled, "let's go have some wine, come on."

"I don't want to move," I laughed as he stood up. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up laughing.

We took a seat on the balcony again, the storm was a bit closer, but there were still several people beside us living it up.

Harry giggled at them and opened up the wine before taking down a huge gulp of it. "Fuck, I love this feeling. Not giving a shit."

I smiled as he passed me the bottle, "it is quite nice."

"It is, you have no idea," he sighed.

"So... You were like a male prostitute?" I asked looking at him. I felt too brilliant and I knew things were going to pop out of my mouth easily.

"Uh," he laughed, "sort of... I earned money by doing stuff, yeah."

"You gonna charge me?" I winked at him.

"Tell you what, you write my next paper and we'll call it even," he grinned at me.

"Fuck, no, "I laughed, "let your fucking tag along stick to the paper writing."

Harry burst out laughing so loud, spilling wine all over himself, "shit."

I laughed like I hadn't in ages as Harry tried to calm down, "you alright, love?"

"I'm good," he nodded and giggled still, "shit, you're... you're something else, Lou."

"Wasn't that funny," I shrugged and smiled and he laughed even more, "stop, calm down. Jesus, your laugh is quite hysterical, you know."

He covered his mouth as he kept giggling, and I did too at the sight of him.

"Oi!" Niall called to us from the other balcony, "calm down, you loud lovebirds."

"Fuck you," I yelled laughing as Harry kept cackling basically. Niall just shook his head and smiled.

I felt several rain drops falling as the thunder got louder. Everyone from the other balcony hurried in but Harry just put his head up and closed his eyes. I was amazed by him. He looked so calm and at peace.

"We're gonna get soaked," I laughed a little.

"Who the fuck cares?" He smiled though his eyes remained closed.

He got up and stood against the ledge, the rain beginning to pour on him more.

"You're such a hippie," I smirked as I lit a cigarette and stood under the roof.

"Nothing wrong with being that," he grinned at me, the rain running down through his curls and falling into his chest and shoulders, "being free is one of the best feelings you can have, Lou. Not feeling free... that's a different story."

"You should always feel free then," I said softly, "cause this suits you."

He looked back smiling, "where'd you come from? Are you some sorta guardian angel that was sent to me?"

I smirked, "uh, I don't know. If you want me to be, then yeah."

"I want you to be," he said quieter, "you're perfect really."

"I'm far from perfect," I grinned.

"You're perfect to me," he said, "that's all that matters."

I could feel myself blushing as I stood there staring at this incredible, beautiful soul. Sure, he had a long story to tell, but under everything he was, he was absolutely amazing. I had never known anyone like him.

He closed his eyes, raised his hands up and leaned his head back into the pouring rain as I watched. I put out my cigarette and joined him, putting my hands on his waist gently.

He looked back at me, the rain running down his cheeks; he was completely soaked now.

"You're truly beautiful, do you know that?" I said softly.

His dimples shown again, "I've had a lot of people tell me that, but... it never meant anything until now."

"So, I mean something to you?" I asked.

"Sounds absolutely insane," he started, "but yeah, you walked in and everything changed. But in the bestest way."

I smiled at him as he stared at me until we heard voices from the other balcony. Harry looked over and his happiness seemed to leave. I glanced over my shoulder to see who I thought I would... bastard was standing there smoking under the roof of the balcony with Zayn and a few other lads.

"Stupid shit," I muttered, "let's go in."

Harry smiled down at me, "I have a better idea."

I looked at him confused but he just walked in, grabbed some boots and slipped them on, "come on."

"where are we going?" I laughed and put on my shoes.

"You'll see," he smiled back at me and opened the door.

He was insane and crazy... but I loved every bit of him.


	6. Chapter 6

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
Harry and I hurried out to the garage and he started the engine and backed out slowly. He stopped at the end of the driveway and pointed to a small car.

"That's his," he mumbled, "so, he's still here somewhere."

"Give me your keys," I held my hand out. Harry looked confused but handed them over smiling.

I stepped out and pulled my hood up over my head, looking to see if anyone was outside. No one seemed to be so I bent down and started keying his car.

"Lou, what the fuck?" Harry whispered while laughing.

"Shh," I replied and kept going down the side of his door and back up. I wanted to draw a penis on it or maybe the word dickhead but I figured I better not make it too noticeable... as if the several long scratches weren't going to be anyways.

I hurried back into the car and handed Harry the keys as he continued laughing.

"I can't believe you," he shouted as we drove off, "that was spectacular. I wish I could see his reaction."

"Should've gotten Niall to hide in the bushes," I smirked.

"That would've been brilliant," he smiled at me.

He drove us to the park in London and got out.

"What the fuck are we doing here?" I laughed. It was still pouring like crazy.

"Being free," he called to me as he walked out into the grass and threw his hands up before nearly twirling in circles.

I shook my head, "you're so fucking insane."

"No, I'm completely normal," he laughed and pushed his soaked curls out of his face. "The world is insane."

I smirked at him and he grabbed my hands, "what?"

"Dance in the rain, Lou. Let nature take over."

I laughed as he spun around in circles, completely lost in this free moment of his. He looked absolutely content here.

Few minutes later, we were running down the walkways chasing each other. We were so high, but high on life too at the present time. It was exhilarating.

"This is crazy," I yelled and stopped a few feet back from him, "my bloody stomach hurts. I'm not young enough for this."

He laughed and walked over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders, "you are young enough. You're just not in shape."

"Thank you captain obvious," I joked, "we're so crazy."

"We're living," he threw his hands up again and yelled it.

"I'm hungry though," I smiled, "haven't eaten in a while."

Harry looked down at his clothes, then mine, "let's go get some clothes and food."

"Go back to the house?" I asked while we headed back to his car.

"No. Fuck, no. We'll buy some," he giggled and unlocked the doors.

"You're gonna buy me clothes?"

"Why the fuck would I not?" He asked smirking, "no, Lou, I'll let you stay soaked while I put on dry clothes. If that's how you want it."

"That's definitely not how I want it," I laughed and lit a cigarette after getting in. The seats were completely soaked now from us both. He stole the cigarette from me, then gave it back smiling.

We got so many looks from the store clerks and shoppers who witnessed us buying clothes while Harry giggled way too loud. He really was a carefree spirit, high or not. He even apologized to the clerk over and over about the wet floors and then proceeded to tip her. I was actually astonished by him. He had a heart of gold in there.

After Harry paid for them, we changed in the car and then Harry drove us to a small restaurant not far away.

He had his wet hair pulled back again in a bun and he looked so breathtaking with it like that. He reached across the table and messed my fringe up even more while grinning. This was what it must've been like for him to be happy, truly happy.

"I cannot believe you bought me shit from Saint Laurent," I smirked and drank the chocolate milkshake I had ordered.

"What's wrong with them?" He asked through a mouthful of chips.

"Nothing, they're just fucking expensive," I replied, "I don't think this milkshake will go too well with the alcohol."

"Then, why'd you order it?" He smirked.

"Sounded great at the time. I was starving," I shrugged, "probably won't be so good coming back up."

He laughed and picked at the chips left on his plate, "this is probably the worst I have eaten in a long time."

"Why do you eat like you do? Are you self conscious of your weight?" I asked in a joking tone.

"No," he snorted, "I care about how I look, yeah, but it's more about wanting to be healthy and having energy. I don't know, I just strive to keep my body healthy."

"You work out, too, I assume?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "3-5 times a week. Try to run at least 5 days a week."

"Shit, you're dedicated," I chuckled.

"Yeah, maybe you can start," he grinned, "I could use a partner."

"A partner," I raised an eyebrow, "sorry, I'm so immature."

He smiled and looked back at his plate, "well, I'd have to say you have that part covered, Lou."

"Do I?"

"I hope so," he replied quietly glancing back at me. I smiled and finished off my milkshake.

"Have you ever worked out before?" He asked me.

"Yeah, of course," I replied and finished off my sandwich, "did nearly every single day when I played football back home."

"Doncaster is really beautiful," he said and took a drink of his soda, "I remember the leaves on the trees all being these shades of oranges and red when I was there, with the most beautiful scenery. Was so charming."

"It's pretty amazing," I nodded, "I loved growing up there. My friends and I would buy the cheapest fucking seats for the Rovers during football season. They have these really nice VIP rooms as well. I seen pictures of them when I was young and always wanted to reserve one of those. You can see the entire field from there."

He smiled at me, "you're so enthusiastic about football. It's cute."

"Football is football," I stated, "nothing cute about it."

He snickered, "ok. But I meant you're cute. The way you get excited talking about the game... you have a passion for it."

"Yeah, I really do," I smiled a little, "always have really. Must have at least 10 footballs in my closet back home."

"Did you leave them in there when you came out of it?" He joked and giggled at his own joke again.

"Actually, I asked them to come along with me. But they're footballs, they can't talk," I replied smirking.

He chuckled a little and sighed, "we should play sometime. I'm pretty much shit at it and will probably land on my face, but you're probably a brilliant teacher."

"Sure, yeah," I nodded, "I could teach you everything I know."

"And I can teach you how to get in shape while doing it," he smirked.

"Alright, fair enough," I laughed, "but I'm not exactly out of shape. I'm quite fit, if I'm honest."

"You are," he replied, "you do have some muscles peaking out of those arms of yours."

I looked at my arm and felt of it while he giggled at me again, "hey, is this a size joke again?"

"What? No," he grinned, "I'll never make fun of your size. You're perfect just the way you are."

"Well, not all of us can grow to be 6 feet," I winked.

"I'm not 6 feet," he laughed, "maybe in my boots, but that's it."

"Yeah, yet you wear those all the fucking time," I said, "don't you own anything else?"

"I do have some other shoes, yeah," he smiled, "but I don't know... I'm quite partial to boots. I like the way they look on me."

"I like the way they look on you, too," I said, "with your fancy button up shirts, silk shirts..."

He giggled and shook his head.

"You're like a walking ad for Vogue," I said, "someone should pay you to model their clothes. Get your skinny arse on a runway."

"What?" He laughed, "I'd probably never do that."

"Why not? You're perfect for it," I smiled.

"Am I?" He asked, "I'd like to see myself through your eyes for just like 5 minutes."

"Why? So you can see how beautiful you really are?" I asked grinning.

"You seem to think I am some sorta God or something," he smirked at me.

"Well, I'll be honest... I've never met a guy more stunning," I admitted, "and I really do mean that."

He nodded and smiled, "I know you do."

"So, coach, when we starting training?" I joked and put my plate away.

"Anytime you're ready," he laughed a little, "I'll go easy on you your first time."

"No, don't please. I don't accept pity," I said putting my hand up.

He chuckled, "your attitude is just amazing."

"It's part of my tiny package," I replied.

"There's nothing tiny about your package," he grinned slyly at me.

An old man sitting behind us in the booth gave us a dirty look.

"What? Is it our fault you're listening to our conversation? Go back to your soup," I said to him.

Harry's eyes grew wide and he covered his mouth.

"I've always struggled to bite my tongue," I told him shrugging.

He just snickered and finished his soda.

We rode back to the house sharing another joint and more calm. I was exhausted as I'm sure Harry was. He never slept much, it seemed. And it was nearly midnight when we finally got back.

Everyone seemed to be gone now and the house was completely trashed. We headed upstairs and Zayn came in from the balcony.

"There you are," he said before mumbling the next part, "Darren's still here."

"Yeah, saw his car," Harry said lowly, "I'm going to bed. He can leave."

"I'll tell him, but you know how he is..."

"I'll tell him," I looked at Harry.

"No, you don't have to, Lou..."

"No, I want to. Go to bed. I'll be in in a minute," I said.

Harry nodded and went in his room and I walked back out to the balcony with Zayn. Darren was talking to Liam and Niall.

"Hey, fellas," I started, "uh, Harry's gone to bed. He told me to tell you."

"Oh, alright. I'll just go see him on my way..." Darren started saying.

"Actually, no, I'm going in there," I interrupted as I stared at him, "so good night, professor. Lads, see you in the morning."

I turned and walked back to Harry's room while Liam, Niall, and Zayn tried to pick their jaws back up.

I smirked to myself as I reached his room, but was stopped by Darren behind me.

"You think you know him? You don't know Harry. Trust me."

"I know him enough to know what he wants," I lowly replied keeping my eyes on him, "leave, alright? Goodnight, professor."

I went in the room and slammed the door in his face, locking it behind me.

Harry was lying on the bed naked smoking a cigarette, his damp curls hanging around his face.

"You coming?" He asked.

"I hope so," I chuckled and took off my clothes before climbing in with him, staring at every inch of him. The star lights were filling the room well enough that I could see every detail of his flawless body.

He smiled a little, "am I that good looking?"

"I think yes is an understatement," I replied.

He smirked and picked up the ashtray from the table next to the bed, "he was pissed, wasn't he?"

"Uh, well, he wasn't very happy," I said as he handed me the cigarette, "he'll get over it."

He nodded a little and lay back down.

"You're not... you're not gonna wake up tomorrow and pretend like this all didn't happen, are you?" I asked softly.

"What?" He looked up at me, "why would I want to forget this?"

"I don't know," I whispered, "I just.. I don't want to be another guy to you."

"You're not," he whispered back, "and that's why I like you. Do you really think I'd share all that I told you if... if I just wanted to forget?"

"No," I said, "this is crazy though, isn't it?"

"It's crazy," he nodded, "but maybe that's why I like you so much."

I smiled and took a hit while he kept staring at me. He leaned over and ran his hand down my chest softly as his eyes stayed on mine.

"You're gorgeous," he whispered, feeling my skin with his fingers, his rings tickling it. He leaned over and kissed my neck gently, then down my chest as I lay down. His hair fell down around his face and his necklace traced across my skin while he licked down my stomach.

"I'm gonna burn your sheets at this rate," I laughed a little.

He smiled and grabbed the cigarette, taking a bit before putting it out.

His hands wandered down me between my thighs as he kissed me, slow at first, then more aggressively. Fuck, his lips tasted so good.

His hand wrapped around my cock slowly as he began stroking me.

I lay my head back and sighed as he watched me closely. The fact that he kept eye contact the entire time was a huge turn on to me. The way his eyes looked at me sent cold chills all over me.

 

_(Colors Part 2 - Halsey)_

 

I immediately pulled him down to me and kissed him, throwing my arms around him.

We stopped and I whispered, "can I make love to you?"

He didn't laugh, rather he looked at me completely serious, "yeah... I'd love that actually."

I nodded a little and kissed him again, but going slower. He let me call the shots and I wasn't going to rush this... he deserved to feel loved.

He lay down on his back and watched me climb on top of him, pressing our bodies together. When I stared in his eyes, I saw nothing but honesty... this was probably the first time anyone had ever actually made love to him... not sex. This didn't feel like sex to me at all. 

I could tell it didn't feel that way to Harry, either.

We did it slow and he seemed to really enjoy it. I kissed him gently as I thrusted into him slowly. His hands were on my back as I nibbled on his neck and ear before kissing him again.

We made love... slow, passionate love. And when it was over, I rested my forehead against his and smiled a little.

I got up slowly to clean off as he lay there watching me. I went to the bathroom and returned back to him. He had already cleaned up and was lying down staring at the ceiling.

I sat down by him watching him closely. He wasn't upset, so to speak. But he looked emotional.

"Was that alright?" I asked.

He nodded, "was more than alright."

"No one's ever done that, have they?" I managed to get out.

He sat up a little and reached for the cigarettes, sniffing a little. Was he crying?

"No," he replied softly.

"I'm... I'm sorry," I started.

"Don't be," he turned to look at me and his eyes were full, "that was... amazing, Lou. I'm at a loss for words."

I grinned and pushed his curls back, "you deserve to feel loved."

He bit his lip as his tears spilled out.

"Hey, don't cry, love," I said and wiped them away.

"God, I'm sorry," he shook his head, "it's just... you're amazing. I have never... never felt that way."

"I didn't think so. But you should feel that way every time."

He smiled a little, "this... all of this has happened so fast and I'm honestly so thankful for that. I don't deserve someone like you."

"What?" I asked, "you do, Harry. You deserve someone who can make you feel loved, feel safe."

"You love me, don't you?" He asked, his eyes not leaving mine.

"Would it make me crazy if I said yes?"

He sniffed a little and wiped his eyes smiling, "I'd be just as crazy. I've never felt this way... my whole life, everyone I've been with... I've never felt this sort of connection. It's... it's scary but it's beautiful."

"It is," I whispered and touched his cheek, "I'm not going anywhere either. Alright?"

He nodded, "thank you, for doing that."

"Don't thank me for wanting to love you like you deserve to be," I softly replied.

He smiled and handed me his cigarette to share. I gladly accepted it while he lay his head against my shoulder. I kissed the top of his head as we swapped the cigarette back and forth.

Nothing in life could've prepared me for this. I was in love with this person who had been through hell and back but I didn't regret it. At all.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
The sun was coming through the glass doors now and I wasn't even aware of the time, or when we managed to fall asleep.

I glanced down at Harry asleep on my chest, his hair a rightful mess. But he was still stunning; the way his mouth was slightly open when he slept peacefully... It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.

"Aren't we going for breakfast?" I heard Niall yelling down the hall.

"Yeah, it's past 10," Zayn called back, "see if you can get them up."

"Shit," I sighed and tried to scoot out from under Harry slowly.

"Hey, lads," he knocked, "you awake?"

"Uh, yeah," I called back, Harry stirring a little.

He rubbed his eyes and glanced up at me, "what's the time?"

"10 something," I replied as I played with his messy curls, "are we supposed to be going to breakfast?"

"Uh, they said something a few days ago," he groaned and sat up, "fuck, I feel like shit."

"Can I get you something?" I asked.

"No, I've got it. Thank you," he sighed and picked up his box, "you could go get me some water if you want?"

"Yeah," I nodded and got up to dress. I threw on some sweatpants and hurried downstairs.

"Hey, is Harry up?" Zayn asked from the sofa.

"Yeah, he is," I replied as I got a bottled water out of the fridge.

"I loved the way you handled that last night," Zayn smirked while he came in the kitchen to pour more coffee.

"Handled what?" I asked, trying to act innocent.

"Maybe the bastard can start backing off," he replied seriously.

I nodded a little but I didn't think it was that easy. He wasn't going to back off just because Harry had me now. He had gone to great lengths to keep Harry tied to him. He wouldn't let a lad from Doncaster push him away that easily.

I got back to the room and heard Harry in the bathroom.

"Harry?" I called and rushed in. He was over the toilet hurling, his hair falling around his face. I immediately pulled it back and held it for him, "there we go. You alright, love?"

He nodded a little after he had stopped, "I'm fine."

"Give me your hair tie," I said. He took if off his wrist and gave it to me and I pulled it back for him, "need a wet cloth?"

"Please," he mumbled, his hands shaking as he sat back against the wall.

I quickly put one under the cold water and then leaned down to wipe his face gently while he grinned up at me.

"Thanks," he whispered, "sorry you have to see me like this."

"What? It's fine," I laughed, "too much to drink?"

"I guess so," he sighed, "I'm alright."

I stood up and extended my hand to help him up. He got up slowly and walked back to his nightstand table, picking up the pills lying there.

"Thank you for the water," he said, "now, I just need a joint."

"On it," I nodded and went through his box, looking at all the different drugs. I pulled out a freshly rolled blunt and shut the box, then opened the balcony.

Harry found his sunglasses on the dresser and slipped on his boxers.

He stood quiet beside me as I handed him the joint.

"Niall said they're going to breakfast," I started, "do you want to go?"

"Honestly, no," he sighed, "much rather stay in bed. Not really in a mood to go out."

"Alright, if you wanna rest, I'll cook," I offered.

He looked at me smirking, "you're going to cook for me?"

"Well, yeah, I'm decent at it."

Harry smiled and nodded, "ok, I'll take you up on that, then. Just make sure it's an omelet. No toast. Maybe a bagel."

I laughed, "got it. Anything else?"

"Coffee," he grinned beautifully and took another hit of the joint.

"I'll make sure to put on a fresh pot," I nodded.

He bit his lip as he smiled, "want to go swimming?"

"What?" I asked, "is it even warm enough?"

"It'll be alright. It's heated anyways."

"Sure, ok," I smiled, "are the lads staying out all day?"

"I can find out," he winked at me and handed the joint back.

I finished my cigarette and headed downstairs after Harry had.

"Liam has plans with Sophia," Zayn was saying, "uh, I'll be out for most of the afternoon. I don't know about Niall."

"I'll be with Mel," he spoke up from the kitchen, "we're heading out to a party across town."

"Ok, well, Lou and I are gonna stay here," Harry glanced at me, "just hang out all day."

"Ok," Zayn smiled, "you two have fun."

"You two are so cute," Niall grinned over at us.

I smirked as Harry smiled a little, "I'm gonna go shower. You guys be careful."

Harry went back upstairs while I went to the kitchen to find some food to make him.

"You're cooking for him?" Niall laughed while I pulled out a pan.

"I offered to," I replied.

"He's lucky to have you, ya know," he said quieter, "at least you seem like you care. Genuinely care."

"I do," I turned to him, "I care a lot actually."

"He needs that," Niall nodded, "see you boys later, alright?"

"Have fun," I said smiling.

"Hey, you two try not to have too much fun," Zayn smirked at me, "if Darren stops by, tell him to fuck off."

"I plan on it actually," I said.

"Harry's known him a long time... the guy thinks Harry exists to please him, "he said lowly, "I've told Harry a million times he needed to get rid of the psycho."

"I think he will," I looked back at him, "I think he's nearly ready to."

Zayn smiled, "glad Harry talked to you, Louis. He needed someone like you. See you after while."

I smiled as Zayn and Niall left and I continued to make breakfast.

I was finishing up the omelets when Harry came strolling in the kitchen in nothing but his light blue boxers, his wet hair all over his face. God, he was something.

He pushed his hair out of his eyes and smiled, "wow, you do know how to cook, it seems."

"Uh, yeah, I used to cook for my mum a lot," I laughed, "coffee?"

"Please," he grinned and leaned back against the counter watching me as I poured the coffee next to him. He looked so smug as he stared at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," he grinned, "I just like this..."

"I like this, too," I looked back, glancing up and down his body, "a lot."

He smiled and pulled me over to him, his hands pulling at my sweatpants. I watched him closely while he slipped them off, then slipped off his boxers.

"What are we doing?" I asked.

"I want you," he whispered, "here, now."

"In the kitchen?" I asked slyly.

"I've never done it in the kitchen," he said softly, running his hand down my chest, "have you?"

"Uh, no," I laughed a little, "alright. I'm not gonna say no to you."

He grinned and kissed me, pulling me into him as his hand pulled my hair gently. He was definitely an aggressive lover, but I fucking loved it.

He was up against the counter top, bent over now while I fucked him quickly. His fingers gripped both sides of the counter as he moaned out louder than I had ever heard.

"Fuck," he groaned out while I sped up.

I drove into him so hard, not letting up for a second until I finally felt myself exploding into him, his cries filling the whole entire house.

I pulled out and turned him around and took him down my throat.

"Oh, fuck, Lou," he nearly shouted while his hands gripped my hair. I licked every inch of him, then swallowed him back as he kept himself steady on the counter.

I grasped his balls in my hand as I sucked him off as fast as I could. He moaned really loud and I felt his whole body start to shake as he came down my throat. I licked up every last bit and looked back up at him, his breathing heavy.

"Fuck," he sighed and smiled at me before his eyes diverted to behind us.

I got up and looked to see someone leaving the back patio door quickly, "who the fuck..."

"Shit," Harry sighed and pulled his boxers back up.

"Tell me that wasn't him," I nearly yelled at him.

Harry didn't say anything. He just pushed his hair back and didn't look at me. I went to the dining room and saw Darren's car in the driveway. He was getting in and leaving.

"Son of a bitch!" I yelled while Harry sipped his coffee like nothing was wrong, "Harry, what the fuck? Is he gonna show up like this all the time?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize for shit," I said angrily, "this isn't your fault."

"Actually, it is," he looked at me, "I'm the reason he's here, I'm the reason he won't go the fuck away, Lou. What do you want me to tell you?"

"I want you to tell him to leave you the fuck alone," I nearly shouted before sighing, "I'm sorry."

"No, yell," he said, "I deserve it."

"No, you don't," I said quietly, "I just... God, Harry... What will it take to convince you to get rid of him?"

"I've tried," he admitted, "I have. I can't tell you how many times I have, Lou. He'd always show up again. I'd call it off... he'd continue stalking me. It never ended."

"It needs to," I said as I put my hands on his waist, "this is crazy. He just saw me sucking you off, you know."

Harry nodded and looked away, "I don't know how to get through to him. Every time I've tried, it's never worked."

"Then, let me take care of it," I said, "I mean it. I'll do it."

"Lou, I don't know..."

"Do you want to be with me?"

He looked at me upset, "are you trying to make me choose or something?"

"Choose? How can you even compare him and me, Haz?" I nearly yelled.

"I wasn't," he sighed, "I wasn't comparing you to him. There is no comparison. I didn't mean it like that... I thought you were trying to blackmail me or make me feel bad."

"Really? I'd never do that," I said, "Harry, I love you..."

He stayed quiet and I wasn't sure whether I had scared him with those words or maybe just surprised him.

"I'm.. Im sorry. I shouldn't have," I said softly and got my plate of food before sitting down at the bar.

God, I was embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed. I knew what I said was true... hell, Harry knew, too. We talked about it the night before. Maybe he wasn't thinking as clear last night as he was today... which made me feel even worse about saying it.

"Hey," he said, "let's eat by the pool."

"Uh, ok," I nodded a little and followed him outside.

We sat at the table next to the pool and it was so peaceful, no noise.

"This is pretty tasty, by the way," he spoke up while he smiled at me, "nice work."

"I've had my fair share of making them," I said, "took me burning a few first."

He laughed like I had just told the most funniest fucking joke in the world.

"Yeah, my mum wasn't very happy. She didn't laugh the time I set off the smoke detector with burned crumpets," I smirked.

"I guess not," he giggled, "what's your mum like?"

"Uh, well, "I smiled a little, "she's amazing. Very supportive. She's always believed in me... more than I ever did."

"She sounds brilliant," he said as he finished his bagel, "my mum's like that. When I came out to her, I thought she'd be upset a bit, at first anyways. But she told me she already expected it."

"Mums are great like that," I nodded, "mine gave me the 'I just want what's best for you' speech."

"I got that, too," he replied, "but she was actually rather happy with me. Told me I should be who I was and not care what people thought of me."

"You shouldn't," I said quietly, "I mean, like you said, no sense in fighting who you are."

He nodded a little, "or how you feel either, yeah?"

I looked back at him to see his smile radiating, "yeah, exactly. If this is about what I said... I really didn't mean to upset you or even scare you... I feel so stupid for blurting that out.."

"I love you, too," he interrupted me, grinning from ear to ear.

"Really? I know all of this has happened so fast..."

"Yeah, and it makes no sense," he laughed a little, then said softly, "I don't know how else to say it. I've never... never used those words with anyone. I mean, it's not a phrase you just throw around lightly."

"Exactly," I agreed while I studied him. He was sincere about it. "I thought I had scared you."

He looked down at his plate while he chewed, "it did. A little. I'll admit that I wasn't expecting it."

I nodded and looked over at the pool, the sun trying to peak out from behind the clouds to cast rays across the water.

"You're different," he spoke up, "you're so different from anyone that I've ever met. You know that already, but... I don't know what to say, Lou."

"You don't have to say anything," I quietly replied.

He finished his coffee and got up, grabbing his cigarette before sitting down on the side of the pool placing his feet in. I took a seat next to him while he stared down at the water.

"I don't know what to do," he spoke up.

"About?"

"Everything," he sighed and took a hit of the cigarette. I watched him blow it out as he glanced up at the surrounding trees, "I... I want to be with you, but..."

"But?"

"But I'm afraid," he admitted as he looked at me, "I mean, I already told you I was, but I've never done this."

"You've never dated anyone?" I asked.

"I've never felt like this for someone," he said quietly, "it's always been more about fun... even money."

"Alright," I started, "I'll back off... I'll stay, but I'll... I'll act like the other lads. Until you decide what you want."

"That's never going to work," he smirked.

"I can stay in another room," I suggested. That's not what I wanted. It was far from what I wanted. But just like him, I had never felt like this and it was a little nerve wrecking. I was overwhelmed by it and I imagined how he must've been, too.

"You know what? Let's just forget about it right now," I smiled and pushed what I was feeling to the back of my mind. I put out my cigarette, stood up and took off my sweatpants, then climbed down into the pool.

Harry laughed as he watched me, "I have swimming trunks, you know."

"Fuck, your swimming trunks would hang to my fucking knees," I chuckled as I floated in the water.

He laughed and took off his sunglasses before jumping in and splashing me.

"Thanks a lot, curly," I smirked as he come up above the water, his hair all in his face.

"Curly," he laughed as he cling to the side of the pool, "your nicknames."

"Well, it fits," I smiled.

"You ever had nicknames?"

"Uh, no. You're actually the first to call me Lou," I grinned.

"Glad I could be the first, then."

"So, am I," I nodded, thinking in more areas than one though. "My mum used to call me boobear."

"Boobear?" He giggled, "that's actually really adorable. Your mum sounds amazing."

"Yeah," I nodded before it occurred to me that it was Saturday, "shit."

"What?"

"I was supposed to see her today," I said.

Harry picked up his cigarettes and lit one, "what, was she coming to the dorm?"

"No... I was supposed to go back to Doncaster," I sighed, "fuck, I need to call her."

"Were you flying?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah, I'd have to, don't have a car," I laughed a little, "I was supposed to get my ticket a few days ago, but... well kinda got caught up in..."

He smirked, "me?"

I nodded and smiled.

"So, go get a ticket," he shrugged.

I climbed out and I honestly didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to ask him to go, but at the same time I was afraid he'd say no.

"Uh, we have no towels," I smiled.

He grinned up at me, "just go in. Doesn't matter, the cleaning crew is coming today."

"You have a cleaning crew?"

"Well," he said as he got out of the pool, "Niall and Zayn are shit at it. Liam's decent but he's not around as much. He stays at Sophia's a lot."

"Wow," I shook my head, "that's crazy."

He sort of shrugged and picked up his cigarettes and sunglasses, "what time are you leaving, then?"

"Uh," I started while I followed him back in and upstairs, "I guess as soon as possible."

"Alright," he nodded while he slipped his boxers off upon entering his room. We both grabbed towels from the bathroom to dry off.

"I'm just staying till Monday," I said before going to find clothes.

"Ok," he said quietly. He acted upset. I wasn't sure why. I watched him going through his drawers for boxers, then going in the closet.

"Hey," I said softly, "do you have plans this weekend? I know you told Gemma you did."

"Not really," he replied, "kinda lied so I didn't have to go home. Why?"

I threw on my shirt and sat back down on the bed to light a cigarette, "I thought that maybe..."

He poked his head out of the closet, smiling, "maybe I'd want to go?"

"Yeah," I laughed nervously, "I mean, if you have nothing to do. It'd be a good break for you. Probably something you need."

He came out in black skinny jeans again and a cream colored short sleeved button up while carrying his boots over to the bed. He looked amazing. I had never witnessed anyone pull off this look like him. 

"I'd love to," he whispered and sat down. I watched him slip them on and zip them, then turn to me, "I mean, if your mum doesn't mind."

"No, she won't," I smiled a little as he took my cigarette and smiled, "my mum is amazing. She'll love you, I swear."

"Are you sure?" He smiled and blew out the smoke before handing me the cigarette.

"What's not to love about you?" I asked quietly.

He grinned and blushed a little, "uh, we should pack then."

"Yes, we should," I nodded. I got my phone and called the airlines while trying to contain my excitement. He actually wanted to go. And I couldn't have been happier to have him to.


	8. Chapter 8

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
I packed up my small backpack while Harry opted for his duffel as he was taking 3 different pair of boots, wasn't sure why. He looked completely happy while he folded shirts and stuck them in. I could understand why he would want to get away after all... not having to deal with the bastard.

He texted Zayn, telling him we were leaving for Donny and about 1 that afternoon, we headed out of the house taking his car to the airport.

When we pulled out of the gate, Harry looked closely at a car parked not too far away. He shook his head, threw up his hand and flipped them off.

"Was that..."

"Yeah," he replied lowly.

"Fucking pathetic," I sighed. He didn't say anything... just lit a cigarette and kept driving. I was sure he was going to follow us. I just had a feeling he would.

After arriving and checking in, we waited to board the plane to Doncaster. I had already texted my mum and told her Harry was coming with me. I knew she was going to think he was my boyfriend, even though in my text I told her he was just a friend.

Harry was looking around the airport, like he was expecting to see someone.

"He isn't here," I whispered.

"He followed us," he mumbled, "he followed us the whole way."

"I didn't see him."

He showed me Darren's text messages, "'please tell me where you're going. Why are you at the airport?'"

"Are you fucking serious?" I raised my voice before noticing a young woman with her child looking over at us, "sorry."

Harry chuckled a little and put his phone back up.

"He has no idea where we're going," I said quieter, "don't worry with it, alright?"

He nodded a little, but looked really nervous as he leaned back chewing his gum.

"Look, Zayn or anyone else won't tell him. You know they won't," I tried to reassure him, "so, stop. You're getting a well deserved break."

He smiled a little, "I think I'm more nervous over meeting your mum."

"What?" I laughed, "why?"

"I haven't...," he started with a small smile as he stared down at his hands, "I've never met anyone's parents before. Besides the guys of course. It's just different."

I grinned a little at him, "different? I thought we were going to pretend like I was one of the lads?"

He smirked, "yeah, I'm not... I'm not sure I can actually."

He glanced back at me and I honestly couldn't help but smile, "yeah, me neither."

Just then, they made the announcement for boarding. Harry and I both grabbed our bags and made our way to the gate. He was biting his lip and grinning while staring at me out of the corner of his eye. I couldn't stop smiling myself.

"How many times you flown?" I asked him after we had taken our seats.

Harry was staring out the window, "uh, a few. I've been to a lot of different places. You?"

"4 times," I replied and sat back in the seat, "it's kinda boring."

"I enjoy it," he grinned, "being thousands of feet up in the air away from everything... it's amazing."

"How did I know you'd say that?" I asked smiling back at him.

"Cause I'm a hippie, remember?" He winked at me.

I chuckled a little and sat studying him while he stared out the window still chewing his gum. I wondered what thoughts were going on in his head. I wondered what kind of battle he was having in there with how he felt. Not just for me, but with everything he was going through.

He was a lot different than I had imagined he would be when he opened up to me. He was so sensitive, gracious, and gentle. That was the real Harry Styles; a boy who had been hurt by people, but hadn't allowed those people to crush his spirit.

He caught me looking and smiled, "yes?"

"Nothing," I replied shrugging, "you're just beautiful."

He smiled, "are you gonna say that every day?"

"Most likely," I nodded, "someone needs to remind you that every day."

His dimples shown as he placed his hand over mine, "you're amazing."

"So are you," I whispered, "you're... you're so different than I expected."

"How so?" He asked.

"I... I didn't expect you to be so sensitive," I admitted, "you have such a gentle soul."

He smiled a little and looked away, "remember when I said feelings ruin everything?"

I nodded and listened.

"Yeah, well, that's what I meant," he said softly, "I'm... I'm too passionate about things sometimes. I let things hurt me when I shouldn't."

"I like you how you are," I whispered to him, "because you have a huge heart in there. And you truly care."

He turned back to me, "I do, yeah. I care about a lot of things."

I nodded as the pilot came over the speaker to announce our departure. Harry broke out his phone and headphones, putting one in my ear and one in his smiling at me. I gripped his hand a little and sat back.

We were over the clouds several minutes later, headed to my hometown. And I was sharing this experience with him; the boy with the curls dangling on his shoulders as he sat chewing his gum and staring out the window smiling the entire time. He was so happy.

When we landed, Harry rented a car for us, though I tried to allow him to let me pay. He insisted though so I agreed.

He stayed quiet for most of the drive, until he asked for the right directions.

"You were supposed to turn there," I laughed pointing to the street behind us.

"Why didn't you say so?" He asked, sounding frustrated.

"I did, but you thought it was the next one," I replied.

"Fuck," he mumbled and turned around.

"I told you, curly," I grinned.

"Oh, fuck off," he sighed.

"We sound like a married couple," I laughed out.

He finally smiled, "we do actually."

I couldn't stop thinking about how easy this was; it seemed like we just clicked, just like that. He was still a bit of a mystery to me but now that I had gotten to know the real him, I felt like our connection was just natural.

We finally turned down my old street and Harry pulled out some pills and swallowed them.

"You alright?"

"I'm fine," he stuttered, "I'm just... nervous."

I smiled and pointed to my drive, "here, love."

He pulled in slowly looking up at the house.

"Hey," I started, "she's great. I swear she'll love you."

"Ok," he nodded a little, "I'm sorry. I'm not usually like this."

"I know, love," I smiled and touched his leg gently his eyes meeting mine, "you'll do fine."

He smiled and put his hand on mine and as soon as he did I leaned over and kissed him. He immediately pulled me in and our kissed deepened for several seconds before I realized we were making out in front of my house.

I pulled away and smiled, "well, I told her you were a friend. Maybe she didn't see that."

He laughed a little while he stepped out of the car, pushing his hair back and adjusting his pants. Apparently, he was quite bothered.

I smiled and grabbed our bags from the back. I was doing my best not to snicker at him.

"Shut it," he pointed, "you're not so innocent yourself, Boobear."

I laughed a little when he called me that. And he was right; I could feel myself in my sweats. But at least I had chosen baggy pants, unlike curly.

We walked up to the door and knocked, Harry towering behind me, shifting uncomfortably. He was so nervous.

My mum opened the door, a huge smile on her face, "my baby."

She hugged me tight and I smiled, "good to see you, mum."

We walked in as she hugged Harry quickly, "so nice to meet you, Harry."

"You as well," he grinned as she let him go, "your hair looks really lovely, by the way."

"Thank you," she smiled, "you're too kind. Louis, you didn't tell me what a lovely lad he was."

I smiled and bit my lip as Harry looked to be blushing again, "well, he is quite the charmer, mum. So, uh, can we take our things up?"

"Of course. The girls will be back soon. They'll be happy to see you," mum smiled at us.

"Great, can't wait to see them," I said and motioned for Harry to follow me upstairs. We stopped at the last room down the hall, "this was my room."

I opened the door and Harry looked around, "this is sick. Green Day, The Beatles, The Script..."

"Yeah," I smiled and sat our bags down while he looked at my posters, "I was a huge fan."

"I am, too, which you already knew," he said, "I seen them in London."

He took a seat on my bed still looking around as I asked, "when?"

"Uh, I was 15." He replied, "it was in June."

"The June 25th show," I nodded and he looked confused, "I was there, too."

"Are you serious?" He grinned, "you were there?"

"I was," I nodded and sat down next to him, "that's a bit insane."

"It is," he laughed, "wow. So, you went to London to see them?"

"Yeah, me and a few friends," I smiled, "I'm guessing you travelled from Holmes Chapel?"

"I did," he replied, "went with Gemma and her friend."

"That's crazy," I laughed, "so, we've sorta crossed paths before. Just didn't realize it."

"Yeah, most likely," he nodded and looked at my Rovers posters, "football fanatic."

"Yeah, I told you I was obsessed."

"Let's see those 10 balls that wouldn't come out of the closet then," he joked and got up to open my closet. I think he must've thought I was exaggerating when I said I had that many, but I really did, as he discovered. "Damn."

"Yeah, I wasn't playing," I smiled and got up grabbing one, feeling it between my hands again. Had been a long time since I had held one.

"Ready to start training me, coach?" He smirked at me raising an eyebrow.

"Uh, sure, yeah, why not?" I laughed.

I had given him some of my old shorts and a white tee to wear outside in the back garden. He met my sisters first, then we took to kicking the ball around. It was odd seeing him dressed this way for the first time. He was barefoot, his hair pulled up again as he smiled and played.

He was pretty shitty at it, but the happiness that was inevitably visible on his face told me he didn't care. He genuinely enjoyed having a good time goofing off.

"You're supposed to kick it between the trees," I laughed at him as the ball rolled up the patio.

"I can't kick," he shouted smiling while running after the ball. He threw it back and ran to the other end of the garden.

"What are you 2 doing?" My sister Lottie spoke up from the patio.

"Trying to teach me how to play," Harry responded laughing, "I'm shit at this."

Lottie sat down and watched us, laughing at Harry who was doing his best to catch the ball before it rolled into the goal I had.

"I need shoes," he shouted laughing.

"Your foot is too big," I laughed back while he got the ball and brought it back out to kick, "just don't stub your toe, love."

He grinned up at me as he finally kicked it in a straight line to me.

"That's better," I called to him.

"I'm too gay to even kick straight!" He yelled back, Lottie completely losing it and bursting out in laughter. Harry just smiled at me and I felt so much pride when I stared back at him.

"Think straight for a minute," I laughed and threw it back.

He caught it mid air and placed it on the ground, "doubtful. I can't think straight for 2 seconds, fuck a whole minute!"

I bit my lip as I chuckled at this crazy, beautiful human being.

"At least he's honest," Lottie smiled at me.

Harry giggled and kicked the ball towards me, finally getting it through the trees before I could stop it.

"Is that a point? What is that?" He called smiling.

"It's a point," I laughed, "you don't know anything about football, do you?"

"I really don't," he shrugged, "I know American football well."

"Fuck American football," I chuckled, "alright, it's 6 to 1 now."

"You haven't gotten 6," he laughed at me, "no fucking way!"

"I've got it through that goal 6 times, yes," I called back, "you cannot count."

"You two sound like mum and dad," Lottie laughed over at me.

He placed his hands on his hips and smiled over at me, his dimples deepening.

"Dinner will be done soon," I heard my mum call.

"Alright, we'll wrap it up," I called back and picked up the ball while Harry came over to me.

"You're loads better," he smiled at me.

"Yeah, you're quite shit at it," I grinned and pinched his cheek gently, "would you like to go out tonight? I mean, after dinner?"

"Uh, sure, where to?" He asked.

"I don't know, a pub or something?"

"I'm not... I'm not really in a mood for that," he said slowly, "maybe we could just walk the streets of your stomping grounds and you can tell me about growing up here?"

"I'd love that actually," I nodded.

He smiled and took a seat at the patio table, picking up his cigarettes and lighting one, "your home is really beautiful. And your sisters are actually delightful."

"They have their moments," I smiled and took a seat, "Lottie, I think, has the hots for you."

"What?" He laughed, "isn't she like 17?"

"She's 18," I replied and took the cigarette from him, talking a long hit. "Come on, girls have to find you attractive, Harry."

"I've never really taken much notice," he shrugged, "I'm too gay, remember?"

I laughed, "you never had girls interested in you in school?"

"I probably did," he grinned at me, "I didn't really pay attention to girls. Never."

"You are too gay, then," I smirked and patted his shoulder.

He smiled and put out the cigarette, "I need a shower."

"Yeah, me as well, love," I laughed and got up to go inside, Harry behind me.

"Smells amazing in here, Mrs Deakin," Harry said immediately.

"Thank you," she smiled at him, "but call me Jay, honey."

"Alright," he smiled warmly, "Lou's quite the football player."

I snickered and took out 2 waters from the fridge, handing Harry 1 of them.

"Thank you," he smiled at me, "I'm gonna go clean up."

I nodded and watched him head upstairs, my mum turning around and smiling at me, "he's definitely a keeper."

"Mum," I laughed, "he's just... we're friends."

"You're not just friends," she said quietly, "it's all over him, and you. I can see what you feel for him. And I can see what he feels for you. You love him, don't you?"

"Uh, I kinda do," I admitted with a sigh, "he knows I do. But we haven't known each other long and it's complicated."

"Maybe it is, but when he smiles at you, I can see what he is feeling for you. And I know you can, too," she smiled and patted my shoulder.

I nodded, "I can, yeah. I don't know how it even happened. I met him my first day and it's changed everything, mum. He's amazing. He's probably the best person I've ever met. Sounds completely insane, doesn't it?"

"No," she smiled, "sounds like love. Dinner is almost done, so why don't you go clean up, too?"


	9. Chapter 9

Harry Styles 

 

I stood there on the stairs listening to them, hearing his mum talk of me so well. And I was honestly trying not to allow my emotions to overtake me.

Yeah, I fell for him; I fell hard for him. But no one, not even he knew what my life was like. And I didn't know how to even explain that to him.

I hurried to the bedroom when I heard him coming and got clothes out quickly, then headed across the hall for the bathroom.

He met me in the hall and looked at me curiously, "you alright?"

"I'm fine," I smiled back, though I was lying, "I'll hurry."

"I don't mind sharing," he smiled.

"That's a bit disrespectful, isn't it? In your mum's house?" I laughed.

"Doesn't mean we have to do anything, love," he winked and went to get clothes.

I placed my clothes on the counter and started the water as he walked back in.

"I can go second if you wanna go first," I said while he closed the door behind him.

"Doesn't matter," he said smiling.

"Ok," I smiled and undressed quickly and got in the warm water.

And not even 30 seconds later, he was in behind me.

"You're so inappropriate," I smirked.

"I can't resist, sorry," he said shrugging.

I laughed and washed my body quickly, then my hair; I knew his eyes were still on me. As I turned to rinse my hair, I stared at him, his eyes not leaving mine. He wanted it as bad as I did.

He stepped forward and placed his hand on my waist and I bit my lip as I stood under the water watching him.

He slowly leaned in and placed his lips against my neck, kissing it softly, his hands roaming down to my ass and squeezing it. I sighed and leaned my head back and allowed him to do it.

I had never felt sex like this. Out of everyone I had ever been with, no one compared to Louis Tomlinson. He was so different, yet so familiar. And I knew deep inside that I did love him. But I was fighting it so hard. I didn't want to feel for anyone. No one. My life was a fucking mess; yet, still I wanted him near me because, to put it simply, he reminded me of happiness, something that I used to know so well... that I didn't know now, unless I was with him.

He had me back against the shower wall, deep inside of me, and kissing my neck, biting it lightly. And he was so incredibly gentle with me, something I wasn't used to. The way he caressed my back, my shoulders, how his fingers ran down my sides before he would wrap his arms around me. He was absolutely perfect. 

I had no clue what he saw in me. I was nothing. I was worth nothing. My life at the moment was built on lies, all lies. He didn't deserve someone like that.

We finished in the shower and got out, and I didn't know what to say. I was lost in my thoughts of him.

He noticed. I knew he did. He kept looking at me, but he got dressed quickly and opened the door to go to his room. I followed shortly and sat my clothes down. I slipped on my long sleeve shirt before ruffling my hair in his mirror as he watched.

"What's up?" He asked quietly.

"Nothing," I replied turning to him, "I'm fine."

He didn't look like he believed me. But he didn't press me any further. "Let's go have dinner."

I nodded and followed him downstairs.

We sat with his family, his stepfather away on business. His sisters were so nice, and they all seemed really close. It made me miss my mum and sister tremendously.

I used to have this... before I chose to push them away. It wasn't on purpose either. I just sorta got lost in the crazy lifestyle I lived and I didn't want them even knowing.

After dinner, I handed over the rental keys to Lou and he took us up to the downtown streets of Doncaster. We parked and chose to walk down the streets. It was beautiful at night.

"What's up, Haz?" He asked as we walked side by side.

"I don't know," I replied looking away.

"What's bothering you?" He asked in a whisper, "you went from being happy to not saying hardly anything. What's going on?"

"Nothing is really bothering me," I said as I stared at the ground while we walked, "just thinking..."

"Ok," he nodded, "is it me, my mum..."

"No," I said immediately, "hell, no. Lou, your family is really lovely. Almost reminds me of my mine. We used to be that close."

"Yeah, I figured that," he replied quietly.

"Yeah," I sighed while we stopped at a crosswalk, "I kinda pushed them away. Not even sure why... basically because I sort of lost myself in my life."

"What's so bad about your life? Other than him?" He asked, "I mean, I know that's been a huge struggle..."

I looked back at him, "I'm not sure I wanna tell you. I mean, you're brilliant, Louis. Really brilliant."

"So?"

"So, I don't want what I tell you to ruin what you think of me," I confessed as I lit a cigarette.

"Tell me," he looked me dead in the eye and said it, "let me decide what I think about you."

I nodded, "uh, ok."

He crossed his arms and waited.

"I'm... I'm still sort of," I started getting really nervous, "employed. I'm paid to go and... you know..."

"Ok," he said, "is that it?"

"Basically," I whispered and stared up the street.

"And you thought that would make me think less of you?" He asked.

"I... I wasn't sure," I said, "should've just told you, but I... it's never bothered me to tell someone what I did for a living, but you're different."

"How many times have you said that now?" He laughed.

"Too many," I admitted, "I suck at this."

"Well, you apparently don't suck at something else... or you do suck," he smirked.

"Smart ass," I chuckled and we took off across the crosswalk, staying silent for several minutes.

"So, do you do this job for the money, or?" He asked.

"Uh, it's... I don't know honestly," I said lowly, "I've always enjoyed it. In the beginning, it was to pay for things. I wanted to start buying my own things. Then, it became about trying to push Darren out of my life. See how well that worked out?"

"Have you been doing it since before him?" He questioned.

"No, I haven't," I replied, "he had already moved here when I started. I had already allowed him to buy me everything I have. Sorry I didn't tell you, Lou."

"Don't apologize," he said, "you don't have to."

"I do have to," I stopped to look at his face, "because you deserve it. This is why... why I didn't want to get close to anyone. It's easier not having to feel."

He didn't say anything while he lit a cigarette and looked back around the streets.

"I don't mean that disrespectful towards you," I said, "you've been nothing short of amazing to me, Lou. You've treated me better than I've ever been treated. Hell, you brought me to meet your mum, sisters... and your mum thinks more of me than she should."

"How do you know that?" He looked back.

"I... I overheard your conversation," I admitted.

He laughed a little, "well, then. Sneaky fucker."

I smiled a little and pushed back my hair.

"My mum knows what she sees," he said softly, "she sees it on you and me."

I stood still, staring in his eyes, the wind starting to blow like crazy. There was thunder in the distance.

"Shit, another rain storm," he chuckled, "should we head back or would you like to dance around again?"

"We can go back," I laughed, "I don't mind just hanging out in your room."

"Sounds lovely," he smiled and we walked back up the street.

"What does she see exactly?" I decided to ask.

He looked back and smiled, "she sees feelings... something you refuse to feel."

I stayed quiet and kept my head down.

"She sees love," he quietly said, though he didn't look at me.

"Love? She sees love between us?"

"Yeah, she does," he replied, "she isn't the only one. Tell me the other lads don't see it. I fucking know Darren does."

"I've heard it from them," I nodded.

"So have I," he smirked, "how ironic."

I grinned and kept walking.

I wasn't sure where this amazing person had come from. Had I imagined him? Had I fathomed up this perfect individual just for me? Apparently not because I was here with him in his hometown. He was right next to me, I could reach out and touch him, hug him, kiss him if I wanted. Yet, I kept telling myself I didn't want to feel for him.

We made it back to the rental few seconds after it had started pouring. We sat quiet while the rain pounded on the roof.

Louis bit his lip as he sat looking like he was trying to choose his words wisely.

"I'm sorry," I spoke up first, "I didn't mean to make tonight all about me."

"You didn't," he laughed, "it's fine. I promise. I appreciate you being so honest. Can't imagine why you would be though."

I looked back at him confused.

"You don't want to feel for me, yet you're giving me an apology for not telling me that," he smirked.

"Well, you did deserve it," I said seriously, "really. I... I should've just told you the other night. I mean, I was honest with you about him..."

"Which you didn't tell me because you cared what I thought about you," he replied, "tell me, why are you trying so hard if you don't want to feel for me?"

"You've got a point," I sighed. "I'm afraid. To feel. I don't want to fuck up anything with you. It scares me to think I would and I'd lose you."

"You're not fucking up anything if you're following your heart," he said completely serious while he brushed my curls back behind my ear, "let me be a first for once."

I bit my lip and grinned, "I've not had too many great firsts."

"Well, everyone has a great one at some point in their lives," he said, his fingers tracing my face, "so, Harry Styles, tell me... will you let me be a first?"

"I want to," I whispered, "but Darren and my life..."

"Shut up," he said smiling, "I know. I get it. And I'm asking you knowing all of that... I'm still asking. I think you're incredible, Harry. I also think you deserve to be loved and to be in love. Everyone does."

"You're amazing, really," I said, "I don't see what you see. I wish I did."

"Harry, no matter what you do, or did, you deserve love," he spoke softly, "and you said yourself I made you want to change. So, take that risk. Step out of the box you've built around yourself and take a chance."

I smiled and could feel my cheeks on fire, "ok. Sounds good then."

"Sounds good?" He laughed.

"Yep," I nodded smiling, "be my first, Lou."

"Alright," he smiled and started the car and we headed back to his mum's. My phone vibrated in my pocket and it was nearly midnight. I had a feeling it was him, but I was wrong. It was Zayn.

"'Job Monday night.'" I sighed and put it up before Lou noticed I was looking at it.

We made it back to his house and everyone appeared to be in bed. Louis let us in with his key and we quietly crept through the hall upstairs to his room.

"Should I sleep on the floor?" I asked while I looked through my bag for some sweatpants.

"What? No, of course not," he laughed and started changing himself.

"Wasn't sure if it was proper," I smiled and pulled on my Nike sweats.

"My mum expects us to," he grinned looking me up and down, "you look really great in those by the way. Not used to seeing you in clothes like football shorts or sweats. It's odd."

I laughed and ruffled my hair, "well, I didn't think it'd be decent to go in the nude here, or boxers."

"No," he smirked and took a seat on the bed.

I climbed across him and got next to the window, the rain still pounding down outside.

He lay down after he turned off his lamp and pulled the covers up, "I'm really glad you came with me, Haz."

I grinned and put my hands behind my head, "I am, too. It's nice being here."

"I was nervous to ask you," he admitted, his eyes staying on the ceiling.

"I know," I smiled.

"You could tell, huh?" He asked.

"You're pretty readable," I replied.

"Yeah, you freak me out with that shit," he laughed. "You are, too, in some areas."

"I have a habit of throwing up a wall," I whispered, "I... I used to be really bad about letting everything get to me. So, I stopped allowing it in."

"You tried to have a cold heart," he said while he turned on his side and gazed at me, "not to sound like I'm being an ass, cause I'm not, but you do cry over the simplest things."

"I do," I nodded, "but to me, they're not simple, they're things that bother me or matter to me."

"Did me making love to you bother you?" He asked.

"No," I answered staring at him, "it didn't bother me; the fact that it was the first time I had that experience... a guy like me doesn't have that happen."

"Guy like you," he sighed and looked out the window, "tell me what you mean by that."

"By what?"

"'A guy like you,'" he replied seriously.

"I don't know," I started slowly, "I... I mean, I've never really made love to anyone. I've had this twisted perspective on sex since I was 16."

"How did that even happen, between you and him?" He questioned, "I mean, if i can ask, Harry. If you don't wanna answer it, that's ok, too."

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, "he was working at the school I graduated from. I didn't really realize that he was actually keeping a close eye on my every movement then. But he was."

I sat up and looked at the window, "can I open this and smoke?"

"Sure, yeah," he replied and quickly opened the window for me, the scent of rain coming in. He grabbed the cigarettes from the table and handed them to me.

I lit one and sighed, "basically, I was at a party with friends from home. He was there. He seemed friendly, harmless. I mean, I had plenty of conversations with him at the bakery I worked in. He would come in every weekend and talk to me. He was kinda interesting."

Louis scoot over to the window and lit his own while he listened.

"So, when I saw him at the party, of course I talked to him," I looked back at Lou, "and now that I'm older I understand why he tried to make me feel comfortable around him..."

I stopped and glanced back out the window.

"So, he basically raped you," he whispered studying me.

I closed my eyes and nodded, thoughts of that night going through my mind.

"Harry, I don't understand," he sighed, "if he did that to you, how could you even allow him back in your life when you moved to London?"

"I wish I knew," I bit my lip, "after that night though, he stayed away from me. I don't know if he was afraid I'd tell. I wanted to. I still regret not telling to this day. But he was a professor and I was just a kid trying to finish school. Who would believe a boy like me anyways?"

"It happens more than you know," he replied.

"I was just a kid though," I turned back to him, "and I had never done it before. I was clueless on all of that."

He shook his head and flicked his ashes out the window, "so, you moved here, few months later he popped up and had a job here."

"Basically," I replied without looking at him, "I was living in the dorm with Zayn. I've known him since I was 13. We ran into Darren on campus one day... hadn't been here long."

"I don't understand how you could just take things from him, I'm not judging you at all, Harry. I mean that, but why?"

I closed my eyes, feeling them sting, "because I was naive enough to believe he cared about me."

He stared at me and disbelief was written all over his face, "are you saying you cared about him?"

"I didn't care about him," I sighed, "I was young, Lou. And I liked the attention. At first, I talked to him, he apologized to me for what he did, he told me he regretted it. And, honestly, I believed him. So, I started talking to him again. I didn't do stuff with him at first. But he would visit the pubs we went to and run into us. I finally saw it was on purpose. I got so fucking pissed with him one night because he made a move on me... and little did I know he had spiked my fucking drink."

"He what?" He asked surprised.

I nodded and turned away, "I woke up in his flat... in Peckham."

"Jesus fucking Christ," he groaned. "I have a feeling this happened a lot to you, too, didn't it?"

Tears fell and I nodded, "I went through these motions... I played this part for over 2 years. Then, you came along. And I remembered what it was like to feel for someone... to actually feel a mutual connection and respect for one another. I realized how much I hated myself for what I had become... for how bad I allowed my life to spin out of control."

"Why me though?" He asked softly.

"Because," I started with a smile while tears kept falling, "when I first met you, I wasn't sure what to think or even what I was feeling... but when you smiled, it was like, it was happiness. Sounds so corny, I know. But I fell in love with your smile, your accent, your sassiness and attitude... everything about you."

He was smiling as he looked down at his hands, "Harry, I want to be a part of your life... but I want you to be you. I like this side of you because it's who you are. And I know you've never shown anyone this side and it makes me feel honored that you chose me."

"I don't want to lie to you," I whispered, "I mean, yeah, I've been scared to death to tell you in fear that you'd run the other way. I mean, Zayn doesn't know. He knows about Darren, how I've allowed him to control nearly every aspect of my life. But he doesn't know he followed me here. As far as he knows, he's a professor here who took an interest in me and I was ignorant enough to give in to it."

"So, you've never told anyone the truth," he said staring at me.

"No," I answered wiping my eyes, "and I guess I thought I never would, until now."

"I'm sorry," he softly said, "I really am sorry that he took that away from you at that age, Harry. No one deserves that, regardless of who they are. And you certainly didn't. Given his age, he would've went to prison for what he had done."

"Don't think that I don't regret not saying something every fucking day of my life," I sighed, "because I do. But I was so convinced then that no one would believe me over him."

"Someone like you didn't deserve that," he whispered and touched my leg gently.

"I don't think I even know who me is anymore," I sighed and tried to smile, "but you, Louis Tomlinson, make me want to find him again."

He nodded and smiled, "I'm willing to help you find him, too. But I can't... I won't do it with him around. I want to beat the fucking shit out of him, Harry."

"I know," I sighed and lay back down, "so do I, Lou. I don't know how to get rid of him, though."

"We'll come up with something," he said and lied down right next to me, his hand running gently over my stomach, "let's get some sleep, alright, love?"

I nodded a little, my phone vibrating on the table next to bed. I sighed, knowing who it was.

Louis reached over and picked it up, "can't you block his number?"

"I... I can, yeah," I said, "I haven't yet cause, well, it's easier if I don't avoid him. He's worse if I do."

"Alright, we're coming up with a plan," Louis settled back down next to me, "we're gonna give him his house back."

"What?" I asked.

"Well, do you really want to keep living this life?" He asked seriously.

"No," I sighed, "I don't. But I'm keeping the clothes."

He smirked, "of course. You wouldn't be able to live without your outfits and all those fancy boots."

I laughed a little before getting serious, "I have no idea where I'd move to... and the guys..."

"They deserve the truth, too," he interrupted, "Haz, you've been friends with Zayn for so long. He deserves to know it all. Just like Liam and Niall do. And they'll have your back, I'm sure of it."

"I don't know if I'm ready to do that," I mumbled, not looking at him, "let's just go to sleep."

He nodded and covered us both up while I lay my head on his shoulder.

I wanted this to be as simple as he thought it could be, but I didn't see it like he did. I was seeing it being more difficult than he or I even imagined. The thought of it scared me. I was afraid of Darren, I knew what he was capable of; Louis didn't.


	10. Chapter 10

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
The next morning, I woke up to the smell of coffee and breakfast. Harry's phone said nearly 8. He was sound asleep, so I got up and pulled on a t-shirt then made my way downstairs to the kitchen.

My mum looked over at me from the stove, "morning, love, how'd you sleep?"

"Morning," I yawned, "slept wonderful, mum. Breakfast smells amazing."

"It'll be done in just a few," she smiled and went back to cooking.

I grabbed a mug from the cabinet and poured some coffee while Lottie came downstairs, "hey, morning."

"Morning. Where's your friend?" She asked.

"He's still sleeping," I replied, "why?"

"Just curious," she giggled and took a seat at the table, "he's a looker. How did you end up with him?"

"Lottie," mum laughed and shook her head.

"I got fortunate," I smiled at my sister while I drank my coffee.

"So, you two are together, then?" She asked.

"I... I think so," I replied smiling, "I guess. We haven't really said what we are. He means a lot to me though. He does know that."

"They're in love," mum spoke up smiling at me, "you and Harry both know it."

"We do," I smiled, "it's a bit complicated... he's not really had a relationship before. I think he's uneasy about it."

"He'll come around," my mum patted my shoulder, "I've gotta go wake the girls. Felicity said she'd be by this afternoon. She wanted to come see you before you go back."

"That's nice," I nodded, "she can meet Harry, too, I suppose."

"I'm sure she'll approve," Lottie grinned while my mum headed upstairs.

I shook my head and laughed a little as I got up to finish the eggs for mum. I took out plates for everyone including Harry. Wasn't sure when he'd be awake but I'd put a plate up for him.

"So, Louis, have you two, you know,.." Lottie asked grinning.

"Is that your business?" I laughed, "really? Wow. What a question, coming from my sister."

"I'm just curious," she laughed, "a guy like him, how could you not?"

"Ok, stop, don't talk about him like that," I said looking back at her.

She put her hands up in defense, "sorry, geez."

"Smells amazing," I heard Harry's raspy voice behind me. I turned around to see him standing there, his hair all over the place, just like every morning, and a beautiful smile on his face.

"Yeah, uh, I'm making you a plate," I smiled.

"Wow," he grinned, "thank you."

"Sit down. I'll make you some coffee," I offered.

"You don't have to do that. I can," he chuckled.

"No, I insist," I replied, "sit."

"Yes, sir," he joked and took a seat across from my sister, "morning, Lottie. How are you?"

"I'm great," she grinned at him, "how long have you 2 known each other?"

"Uh, well since his first day," Harry glanced at me, "he's pretty smart. A lot smarter than me."

"What?" I laughed and sat his coffee down, "please, I'm not that intelligent."

He smiled while I got his plate and sat it down, "thank you."

My mum, Daisy and Phoebe came in the kitchen, my mum making sure to greet Harry right away. It was insane to me how he had already won over my entire family.

"So, what do you two have planned today?" She asked as we all sat down to eat.

"I don't know...," Harry turned to me, "kinda wanted to go see the Rovers."

My eyes grew wide, "what?"

"What?" He smiled, "well, if you don't want to, it's fine. We don't have to..."

"I'd love to, but football isn't your thing," I said.

"It's not, but it is yours," he replied after taking a sip of his coffee, "and we're here, so..."

Lottie smiled over at us, "wow, Louis, I'd say you have a keeper."

Harry looked to be blushing again while he stared down at his plate smiling.

"So, you want to go because of me?" I asked, "Haz, you don't have to do that... I'm fine with doing something else."

"Well," he sighed before sitting back, "I'll have to call and cancel the tickets, then."

My eyes grew wide again and I'm pretty sure my mum and Lottie looked the same in that moment.

"You bought tickets?" I managed to ask.

"Well, I mean, I wasn't sure when I'd come back here, so I wanted to experience it with you," he replied, "it's ok if you don't want them, really. I probably should've asked you anyways... I'm sorry."

"What? No, don't be," I quickly said, "I just don't know what to say. That's so generous of you. Of course I want to go."

"I wish I had a guy like you, Harry," Lottie smiled at him.

Harry grinned and went back to finishing his plate.

We were sitting up in my room again smoking out of the window. "My mum told me not to let you go."

He looked at me, a small smile crossing his face, "did she? Why? I just bought tickets for you."

"You bought tickets to my favorite teams' game," I replied, "you don't even like football."

"They have nice shorts," he responded and I snickered a little, "what? They do have nice shorts."

"So, you're taking me to the game to check out the players," I laughed.

"No," he grinned, "I know how much they mean to you. So, I figured why the hell not? Staring at the players is just a bonus for me."

I covered my mouth and laughed out, "alright. Sounds wonderful. You're... you're so generous, Harry. Really. You have an amazing heart. Do you know that?"

"I try to be," he replied sounding embarrassed, "don't take this wrong but... I really like you and... I have a tendency to try to do everything possible to make someone I care about happy."

I smiled and watched him, "how could I possibly take that wrong?"

"I don't know," he giggled, "I'm... I'm unsure of myself a lot of times."

"Wow," I said quietly, "I never would've guessed that. You seem to be so confident."

He smiled a little, "I'm a good actor. You've probably figured that out."

"I have," I nodded. I was afraid to ask what I was thinking but I decided to. He had become so open and honest with me so I had hoped he wouldn't mind. "Can I ask something personal?"

He nodded a little, his eyes staying on mine.

"How... how do you sleep with him still? After everything?" I managed to mumble out.

He bit his lip while he threw his cigarette out.

"I'm sorry. I understand if you don't want to talk about it," I whispered and gently touched his leg.

He looked down at my hand, "I'm a good actor. I put on a brave face and just do it. I... I can't say why I still allow it. I don't even know why I do... but I still do it."

"Harry, he's taking advantage of you every time, then," I said softly, "if you're not willing, it's the same as it was years ago."

"I wouldn't call it that," he sighed, "I mean, I do allow it, don't I?"

"And yet you cry when it's over?" I asked.

He looked up at me, and he wasn't mad. He looked completely broken.

"The night I saw you two," I whispered, "I'm sorry... I shouldn't have even seen you..."

"Don't apologize," he said and looked out the window, "you're right, Lou. I fucking hate it. I hate him. I hate everything about him. Yet, I'm still stupid enough to do it."

"But you don't have to allow it," I said quietly as I sat studying him.

He smiled a little, though it looked like he was forcing it, "let's not talk about it, alright? We have a game to go to. Shouldn't we get ready?"

"It doesn't start until later," I smiled while he got up and went through his bag.

"We can go walk around," he shrugged, "I'm all for seeing this lovely city in the daylight."

I chuckled a little and got up, "alright, I'm up for it. There's a pub close to the stadium if you'd like to go."

"That'd be brilliant," he nodded, "I could use a few drinks."

I smiled and picked out some sweats and a hoodie. Harry was wearing his usual jeans with a button up shirt again and his boots.

"Do you ever dress any other way when going out?" I smiled at him while he tried to smooth out his curls in my mirror.

"No," he laughed, "this is what I'm most comfortable in."

"Well, you pull it off well," I smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist.

He grinned at me and messed with my fringe, "and you pull off the 'just out of bed' look well."

I chuckled a little and went to slip on my shoes.

We left the house about 30 minutes later, taking the rental and parking a few blocks up from the stadium. Harry was walking beside me being quiet again while he stared down at his phone.

"Is he already bugging you?" I asked him.

He looked up, "uh, not really. Some, yeah."

"Where'd you tell him you were?" I asked curiously.

"Uh, to visit friends," he replied, his eyes staying focused ahead, "I mean, he knew you were with me. He knew my fucking flight information. I don't even know how. And he knows you're from here."

"So, basically he's probably jealous as fuck right now because you're here with me," I replied shaking my head, "you've never had a relationship because of this, have you?"

He shook his head slowly, "I've liked people, I'd guess you'd say. But I've never dated. Officially dated."

"Uh, the pubs up here," I pointed ahead up the street. I could see the stadium in the distance, several people already heading that way. It was amazing to see it again.

Harry was smiling now, looking completely delighted, "hey, there it is, the Doncaster Rovers stadium, home of fucking legends."

"Are you high?" I laughed.

He smiled back, "not yet. It's just nice to see it again. Wow."

"Couldn't agree more," I said and opened the pub door, "after you, love."

"Thank you," he smiled brightly and walked in.

We sat at a booth together, chatting and laughing. He seemed to find everything I said funny. It was quite flattering. And he could tell the funniest stories himself.

"Yeah, I took cooking lessons," he smiled down at his ale, "started when I was 15. I loved to cook. I actually became really great at it. And working in the bakery back home was a plus."

"You should cook for me sometime," I smirked.

"I'd love to," he said softly, pushing his hair back, "I'd love to show you how to cook as well."

I smiled and nodded, "I'd like that."

His eyes lit up, "really? You don't think that's stupid?"

"Why would that be stupid?" I asked, "it's something you have an interest in... so, yes, I'd like to learn from you."

His grin grew wider, "wow, that's nice. Was kinda embarrassed to even say that."

"What? Why?" I laughed, "Haz, you enjoy something. Why be embarrassed?"

"I meant saying I'd like to show you," he replied seriously, "I'd like to do a lot of things with you. I wanna know what you like doing... what makes you happy... and I wanna do it all with you."

I sat my ale down and stared back at him, at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry," he tried to laugh, "I probably sound stupid."

"Harry," I started, "stop. That wasn't stupid at all. It caught me off guard. I actually love the sound of that."

"Are you sure? I'm so bad at this," he sighed.

I chuckled and reached across the table to put my hand gently on his, "I want that, too. And I know you're afraid... you aren't sure of what you really want, but you do want me. I know that. And that's why I'm letting you call the shots. I will never force you into something you don't want."

He stayed silent, his eyes focusing on mine. He was nervous and showing complete vulnerability again.

"You're wonderful," he spoke up, "you really are. I never saw myself finding someone like you."

"I'm not a saint by any means," I smiled, "but you are worth so much. You should realize that. Someone deserves to love you like you need. And you deserve to love someone who loves you back.

"I know," he said quietly, "I guess I have a problem with believing that. I mean, I know I'm capable of loving someone, but I've never thought of myself actually having a serious relationship of any type... until you showed up."

His eyes looked back up from the glass, "you showed up out of nowhere and made me think and want things I've never wanted before. I was... content, I guess, at playing the hand I had given myself. Until you. And, I'm ready to fold that hand, Lou."

I bit my lip and grinned, "well, then, it's time to draw another hand, Haz. We should deal them ourselves."

"Sounds brilliant," he nodded smiling. He leaned across the table and kissed me softly, then opened his eyes, "I really like you, Lou. And, for once in my life, I feel so happy and actually content. Because of you. I'm willing to do whatever I have to to keep you... for us to be together."

"And I'll help you," I replied, running my hand down his cheek, "I fully mean that. I mean, I know I'm not anywhere near your size, love, but I can fucking fight like you wouldn't believe."

He began laughing while he sat back, "I actually do believe that. And you're not small at all. I love you like you are."

I laughed, "well, thanks because I'm pretty sure puberty is already finished with me."

He laughed again, covering his mouth while he did. His laugh was the most precious sound I had ever heard. The way his eyes literally crinkled with a real laugh... it was the most beautiful sight.

We left for our walk to the stadium, both of us already quite drunk, but it was absolutely amazing. Harry was still a giggly mess about every little word I said to him. And after we stopped to get our tickets at will call, Harry gently took my hand in his, that beautiful grin radiating again. I squeezed his hand lightly and smiled while we waited in line.

"Why do you have to wear those fucking boots everywhere?" I asked, "I'm fucking short enough beside you."

He giggled again, looking down at his suede boots, "I don't know honestly. I love them. They're all I ever wear. They're just, my style."

"Well, Styles, your style is stylish," I smiled.

"Wow," he laughed.

"What? Surely someone has used that sort of line before," I said.

"They have," he grinned, "it's usually something like, 'you're my kind of style, Styles."

"That's really corny," I grinned while he laughed.

"Yours wasn't much better, babe," he snickered at me while he gave our tickets to security.

"Mr Styles, your suite is located through the gate there and you take the elevator up to the top. It'll be the 3rd on your left," the guard explained to us.

"Thank you so much," Harry smiled, then turned to me, "shall we?"

"What? You didn't..."

"Oh, but I did," he smiled like a cocky bastard while we walked in, "don't worry, I paid for plenty of alcohol, too."

"You got us a VIP suite?" I was still in shock as we waited at the elevator.

He nodded, "hope that's alright. I mean, you said the other day that you always wanted to experience it..."

I stopped him and kissed him before pulling away, "you're fucking incredible,  so incredible, Harry."

He smiled a little and pushed his hair back while an older couple stood behind us. We all got in the elevator together, the older man looking Harry up and down, then looking at me.

Harry only smiled and greeted them, "beautiful day, isn't it? How are you?"

"Fine, thank you," the older woman smiled at him warmly.

I couldn't help but snicker a little as we rode up in silence, Harry chewing his gum and just smiling.

The older couple got out and hurried off while Harry laughed, "I don't think he liked me."

"Why the hell would he not? Snobby old bastard," I said.

"Pretty sure they saw you kiss me," he laughed a little and shrugged while we found our suite. He opened the door and held it for me.

I walked in and looked around in awe. "This is fucking brilliant, Harry. Just wow."

He looked so proud while he took a seat in one of the chairs, looking down at the field, "you really can see the whole stadium from here."

I walked over to the window and glanced down, "unbelievable. I can't believe I'm up here. I can't believe you did this for me."

I looked back at him, his eyes already on me while he kept smiling, "you always wanted this... so, King Louis, have a seat on your throne."

I laughed while he patted the seat next to him. "You really didn't have to do this."

"You're right," he nodded a little, "but I wanted to. Couldn't resist."

I smiled as someone came to wait on us. We ordered lunch and had loads of alcohol brought in. I felt like I was living. Literally and completely living. I had this amazing person sitting next to me yelling with me every time the Rovers scored or fucked up. He hadn't a clue about football but he was so fucking cute.

He was really drunk now towards the end of the game. He was so amusing when he was. I was pretty lit as well while we stood at the window yelling at the players.

"You fucking loser, you can't get a fucking goal to save your life," I was yelling why Harry watched me laughing.

"Your goalie is doing a shit job of blocking those balls, too," he laughed and looked back out the window.

I stood there, mesmerized by him; his sunglasses sitting on top of his head while his hands were propped on his hips smiling down at the field.

"I love this," I said quietly as he turned to me, "I enjoy being with you. I guess this is what it looks like when you're happy."

He smiled a little, "uh, yeah, I suppose so. This is what it feels like to be happy, too."

"I'm a lucky bastard," I said quietly.

"I'm the lucky one," he whispered, "I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do," I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around him, "there's so much you deserve."

He nodded, "I should start realizing that."

"You should," I said sternly, "because, Harry, I find you so incredible. Everything about you... the way you laugh, your smile, your beautiful face..."

He grinned and looked down.

"You try to put up a front to hide the hurt and pain you feel daily," I whispered as I pushed his hair behind his ear. He was looking out the window biting his lip and I could see tears again. "I'm not going to sit here and say I know what you feel because I don't. I don't know all of the hell you have been through. I do know what a brilliant soul you have. And you've let obstacles take you down..."

He closed his eyes, tears rolling down while he breathed out a heavy sigh.

"But these obstacles," I started as I gently put my hands on his face, "they do not define who you are. And it's time you saw that. It's time you saw your own worth and you don't accept less than what you deserve. You've gotta walk away, Harry. He's crushing you. He's taking everything from you. All you have to do is say no to him and I will take care of the rest."

He sniffed as he wiped his eyes, "I... I love you, Lou. I really mean that."

I hugged him and he wrapped his arms around me tight, burying his head into my shoulder. "I love you, too, Harry. And you know I mean it."

He was still crying into my shoulder while I tried to soothe him by rubbing his back softly.

"It's alright, love, stop," I whispered, putting a hand on his head, "everything will be alright."

"I've fucked up everything," he sighed into my shoulder, "I can't stand who I am."

"Harry, you're young... you have plenty of time to change who you are, I promise. And I'll help you."

He let me go finally and tried to control his breathing.

"You alright?" I asked.

"Yeah," he breathed out, "just need to calm down."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded and took a deep breath before exhaling it slowly. "I have issues with anxiety. I've had panic disorder ever since I was 16, so I try not to get myself worked up like this."

"So, your pills you carry everywhere, they're not ones you buy with the rest of your stuff?" I asked.

He shook his head, "I've been on meds for it since I was 16. I carry them everywhere in case I have one."

"Harry, you shouldn't be doing so many other drugs then," I said quietly, "that can easily trigger one."

He nodded, "I know. But I'm shit at doing them anyways. I don't know, I'm just used to it."

"Did your mum take you to see a doctor then?" I asked.

"Uh, no, I took myself," he sighed, "told them I was having 'dreams' that were triggering my attacks."

"Dreams," I asked confused before it dawned on me, "you mean, what happened to you caused it..."

"Yeah," he replied, "I didn't tell them the truth either. But they diagnosed me with panic disorder so I've been on pills ever since."

"I'm sorry," I whispered rubbing his hand gently.

"It's alright," he smiled finally, "part of my life."

He glanced back out the window and laughed a bit, "uh, your team lost."

I looked back out at the scoreboard, "1 fucking goal. Why am I not surprised..."

He smiled at me, "sorry if I ruined the end..."

"Stop," I interrupted, "don't say it. It's fine, love, really. You needed to get that out and it's really fine with me. I'll listen and talk anytime you need. You're more important than a fucking game."

"It's nice to be important," he said with a small smile.

"There's a lot we should discuss, Harry," I said quietly, "I'm all about helping you in any way I can but I won't call the shots."

"What if I wanted you to?" He asked, a sly look on his face.

"Do you?" I asked grinning.

"Well, I'm shit at it," he laughed, "besides, I like someone else being in control, if you get me."

"I get you,"I nodded, "you're quite dirty, Harold."

"I'm not dirty," he laughed, "did I comment on their shorts once?"

I laughed and shook my head, "no, but I have a feeling you were thinking it."

"I was actually thinking about you in them," he replied biting his lip and looking so fucking sly.

"Were you?" I raised my eyebrows, "I do have some nice ones at home."

His face lit up, "can we try them on when we get back to your mum's?"

"You want me to try," I started giggling, "you want me to put them on so you can see them on me?"

He smiled beautifully, "your ass looks amazing in them, I'm sure."

I laughed and felt myself blushing, "wow, ok, then. I'll put them on just for you, love."

"Great," he nodded, "can't wait to see them on you."

"Wow," I smirked, "I can't believe I'm gonna do that for you."

"You don't have to," he got quieter.

"Alright, that was joking," I started, "quit, Harry. Say what you mean and NEVER apologize, alright?"

He smiled, "you're right. We should probably get going though."

"In a hurry now, I see," I joked with him before we headed for the door. Then, sometime dawned on me, "wait, we didn't take any photos."

"Photos?" He smiled, "of what?"

"Of us," I replied, "I'd like some, if you don't mind."

He pulled out his phone with a grin, "I don't mind at all."

Harry asked one of the servers to take a few with our phones. We stood in front of the window, me wrapping an arm around his waist.

Harry looked at me grinning, throwing his arm around my shoulder and leaning into me. We took several, the last one he gently kissed my cheek, and I knew I had smiled even more in that one.

We took the elevator back down while we looked the photos over, Harry pouting because his hair didn't look right to him. I told him how amazing he looked in every single one and he just smiled before posting the photo as his background. I even did the same, a huge smile still plastered on my face.

We walked back up the street slowly, "I had a really great time, Harry. Thank you. You didn't have to do that for me, but you did. And I'm guessing by your attitude, you haven't done things like this much for anyone."

"I never have," he admitted, "really. I've always had it given to me, not out of love though, out of obsession."

He looked down at the ground, his face miserable again, "well, we're getting rid of that arse. Alright?"

He nodded a little but looked really unsure about it still. But I knew, after today, that I was willing to do whatever I had to to keep him happy. He deserved to always be happy. And I was prepared for whatever challenge that came our way.

We drove back to my house pretty slow. I wasn't totally wasted, but I didn't need a ticket either.

Harry was sitting quietly glancing out at the passing sights.

"Hey," I started," everything will be alright, ok?"

"Can you promise that?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, I can," I said confidently, "I'll make sure of that. He's obsessed yeah, but getting you away from him is best, Harry. You know that. You can't live a normal life with him constantly bothering you. And neither can I. Because... well, you're part of my life now."

He slowly smiled and turned back to me, "I'm happy to be a part of it."

He took my hand in his and I smiled the whole way back.

Felicity was home when we arrived. I hadn't seen her in ages, not since she had moved off to the outskirts of Manchester with her fiancé.

"Louis," she greeted immediately when we walked in, "how are you?"

"I'm great," I smiled and hugged her, then turned to Harry, "uh, this is Harry. He's my..."

"Boyfriend," Harry spoke up smiling, "nice to meet you, Felicity."

"You, too, Harry, " she smiled before looking at me, "boyfriend, eh? Wow, Louis. I'm at a loss for words."

Harry smiled and walked to the kitchen.

"Why is it so shocking to everyone?" I nearly laughed.

"He's gorgeous," she said quietly, "I mean, wow. You met him at college? He looks like he belongs on a runway or something."

I grinned, "yeah, he does. He's amazing."

"He looks familiar," she said while she watched him in the kitchen talking to my mum, "is he Gemma's sister?"

"Yeah," I nodded, "you know him?"

"No, I don't know him, but Gemma told me of her younger brother Harry," she smiled back at me, "I haven't talked to her in ages. I cannot believe this."

"Small world," I laughed a little.

Felicity hurried in the kitchen, "Harry, I was friends with your sister, Gemma."

He looked back up at us, "yeah, that's what Lou said."

"Gemma?" My mum spoke up next, "I remember her. You talked to her all the time on the phone. She was so lovely. I had no idea she was your sister."

Harry nodded a little, "yeah, she is."

"I knew you looked familiar," Felicity said smiling, "she used to talk about you a lot. We met online when I was 16. She visited here a few times."

"That's really nice," Harry smiled and looked at me, "I honestly don't see her much these days... with school and all..."

He looked down but forced a smile. I knew he was upset so I walked over and put my arm around him.

"I keep him quite busy," I joked, Harry looking at me and grinning. He mouthed a thank you to me and I just nodded.

My mum and Felicity began fixing dinner as Harry whispered, "this is crazy. I can't believe your family knows my sister."

"It's insane," I laughed and pulled him close as I whispered, "I'm keeping you, Haz."

His eyes met mine and he looked emotional but happy, "I hope you don't ever let me go."

I pulled him in and kissed him as I hugged him tight, forgetting my whole family were even there. It didn't matter. Harry mattered. That's all I seen now... emerald eyes, long curly hair that caressed my cheek softy as his head lay against mine. His laugh was engraved in my memory and just the thought of his beautiful face laughing made me smile. This amazing and humble person had become my whole world all of a sudden. But I didn't regret it. I would make sure he was always smiling because he deserved it. I was suddenly committed to taking away all the pain and restraints that held him captive. Because I loved him. I loved him more than I could even have expressed...


	11. Chapter 11

Harry Styles

  
"That was amazing, Jay," I spoke up after dinner.

"Thank you, Harry," she smiled at me, "glad you enjoyed it."

"Harry knows how to cook as well," Louis said smiling, "perhaps next time we come he can make something for you."

"I'd love to," I nodded smiling.

"That'd be wonderful," his mum said.

"You'll be coming back for Christmas, right?" Lottie asked us.

"Uh, yeah well, I'm sure I can," Louis looked at me, "I mean, my birthday is Christmas Eve."

"That's right," I nodded, "I'd love to, but I'll have to check with my mum. If she's alright with it, we can go on Boxing Day."

"We'll work out it out, I'm sure," Louis smiled and stood up, "thanks for dinner, mum. Harry and I are gonna go change."

"What time does your plane leave?" Felicity asked.

"Like 7 am," I replied.

"We'll make sure to say bye before we leave in the morning, don't worry," Louis said, "come on, Haz."

He shut the door behind us after we got to his room.

"So, Felicity knows Gemma pretty well," I spoke up as I unbuttoned my shirt.

Louis looked up at me, "uh, yeah. That's how I knew Gemma. I told you that."

I nodded and took off my jeans.

"You alright?" He asked quietly, "does that upset you?"

"No," I smiled, "not really. It's amazing that they know each other... I mean, I guess maybe we would've met at some point in our lives, right? Since they're good friends?"

"Uh, yeah," he smiled, "I mean, our families already sort of know each other, how odd is that?"

"It is a bit odd," I nodded and slipped my sweats back on before sitting down on the bed.

"You should talk to Gemma," he said softly, "and your mum."

"I know," I sighed, "I've just... I've been scared to. She knows nothing about any of it."

"I think it's time you did the right thing," he whispered, "you miss them, don't you?"

"I do," I replied, "Gemma and I used to be inseparable."

He nodded and sat down, "Harry, I'm sure they miss you, too. And I'm sure Gemma had your best interest at heart when she wanted to introduce us, you know? I mean, I'm really not a saint but I guess Felicity made me sound amazing."

I chuckled a little, "yeah, suppose so. Do you think they'll hate me?"

"Why would they hate you?"

"Because I've allowed him to control me," I replied sighing.

"Did it really start that way?" He asked quietly.

"What?" I asked confused.

"Did you ever... like have feelings for him, Harry?" He stuttered out.

"What?" I asked loudly, "you're joking, right?"

"Haz, don't get upset, calm down," he said, "I don't mean this to sound rude or upset you. I just... I wonder if maybe you felt something for him when you were younger. Maybe not feelings... but a sense of feeling needed."

"He took advantage of me," I almost shouted as I stood up, pushing my hair back, "I was a kid, Lou. I didn't ask for it to happen."

"I know that," he said softly, "stop getting angry and just listen. I'm not trying to upset you, you know that. You know me well enough now to know for a fucking fact that I love you and I wouldn't do anything to hurt, ok?"

I leaned against his dresser, closing my eyes.

"Harry, don't be scared to tell me the truth," he whispered as he got up and stood directly in front of me, "I promise I won't think less of you if you say you did have feelings for him."

I bit my lip and looked away, "I didn't have feelings for him. I found him interesting when I was younger. And when I met him again here, I... I liked the things he gave me. He wasn't always terrible... in fact, for a while, he was great. It wasn't a relationship... I felt like it was more like a friendship. He didn't treat me bad... not at first. But if I tried to start dating, he was terrible."

"So, you were friends," he said softly, keeping his arms crossed while he stared at me.

"I... I guess," I stuttered, "I told you, he apologized to me, we talked, and I forgave him. I'm not one to hold grudges against anyone, no matter what they have done to me."

"That's... wow. I'm actually... I don't know what to say," he managed to whisper, "I don't think I could ever have that sort of mentality if someone had done that to me, Harry. I respect that, I do, but I just don't see how."

"Lou," I sighed, "I hate him still for what he did to me. I hate everything he has become. He wasn't like this. He pretended to care when I first ran into him again. He made me feel comfortable with him again, just like he did when I was 16. But... I liked that he offered me things. And... I did finally give in to him a few months after being at university. I would stay at his flat a lot... Zayn hated it. He told me how stupid I was being. But I didn't listen to him. I was 18 when he introduced me to this world of drugs and materials. He would literally give me anything I asked for. And most of the time, I didn't have to ask for it. He just offered it to me. And I think deep down, I did care what I was doing, but I hadn't realized it yet... not until I met you."

"I understand," he quietly replied.

"You probably think I brought all of this on myself now, don't you?" I asked staring at him.

"I don't think that," he whispered, "I think a lot of it could've been avoided if you hadn't of given in to him again. But, I get that he offered you a world of things and experiences, and you probably felt like he was a friend."

I stayed quiet and looked away. I blamed myself. I blamed myself for not telling at 16. I blamed myself for even forgiving him. I blamed myself for it all.

"How many times did you tell him no?" He asked studying me.

"Uh, a good bit," I sighed, "when he first made a move on me I got so fucking pissed. I told you I ended up at his flat... I was already drunk and high before he ever slipped anything in my drink. I woke up the next morning and I couldn't remember anything that had happened. He told me I had drank too much at the pub and that I wasn't thinking clearly, so he took me to his place."

"So, how do you know he slipped it in your drink?" He asked.

"Zayn," I replied feeling ashamed all over again, "Zayn swore to me that he had and I straight up told him he didn't. I told Zayn I didn't believe him... that I didn't think he'd do that to me... but when I stayed at his flat, I found the stuff Zayn described. I felt horrible, Lou, for calling him a liar. I should've known better. Zayn would never lie to me about anything. I chose to believe Darren over him, more than one time."

"Sounds to me like maybe deep down you wanted to believe Darren," he started, "don't get upset by me saying that... I just mean, if you believed him over Zayn you already were in too deep. You were choosing him over your real friends. I don't know a lot about him, Harry, but the one thing he isn't is a good friend. Good friends don't take advantage of you. Good friends don't drug you just so they can take you home. Good friends definitely don't bribe you with shit to get you to spend time with them."

"I know that," I sighed in frustration, "I know all of that. But me being the guy I was, I really wanted to believe he had changed. I really wanted to believe he meant well. I give people more chances than they deserve because I feel like everyone has good in them. I was trying to convince myself that maybe he wasn't that bad... but I didn't. Sure, I had myself fooled for a while, just living it up, but there were times where I would see who he was... his true colors always shown. It only got worse when the house was bought. He thought then that I owed him something... that I should give in to him every time he wanted me because he bought it for me."

"And you did," he quietly spoke, "didn't you? I mean, I may be new to all of this, but you've seen him a lot in a week."

"I told you," I looked back at him, "just doing it and getting it over with is easier for me. He leaves me alone..."

"Yeah, until he wants your ass again," he interrupted, "it's a fucking circle that never even should've been one. This is why some circles ARE meant to be broken. You fucked up, you know that now, so only you can break this. He's not going to go away because you have me. You still have his house, his fucking car... as long as you are tied to him somehow he is NEVER going away. Don't you realize that?"

"He never went away before I had all of that," I almost shouted but stopped myself, "Lou, I lived in a dorm and he still wanted me at his flat almost every fucking night. Just because I give everything back that belongs to him, does not mean he will leave me alone. I know for a fact he won't. If anything he's going to be worse now because I have you."

"Then, you need a restraining order or something," he replied.

"A piece of paper?" I laughed sarcastically, "you think he'll stop? Do you think they'd even issue one to me? Really? I'm a fucking 20 year old in college and he's a professor. Whose side do you think they'd take? Definitely not mine."

"Then, we'll find a way," he said as he grabbed my hand, "because I refuse to let him keep doing this to you, Harry. I refuse to sit by while you allow him to continue to crush you."

I sighed and tried to nod, feeling my emotions overtake me again. He stepped in and hugged me and I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you again," he whispered into my hair.

"Don't be sorry," I smiled a little and leaned my head against his, "I don't mind talking about it with you. I promise."

"Hey, do you want to go out and see my treehouse?" He asked smiling at me.

"Your treehouse?" I laughed, "didn't see it out there."

"Yeah, it's kinda hidden in the trees," he replied.

"Ok, sounds fun," I nodded, "can I borrow a sweatshirt?"

"Yeah, of course," he went and looked through his closet, "I left a few of my bigger ones here."

He pulled out a green Adidas one that looked way oversized for him.

"Wow," I smiled, "looks like that would swallow you."

"It does," he grinned sheepishly, "put it on. Should look amazing on you."

I slipped it on over my white t-shirt and studied myself in the mirror. It fit perfectly on me.

"You look quite stunning in that," he said softly.

"Thank you," I replied and pulled the hood over my hair.

He dug through his closet until I seen him pull out a green beanie. It had the Green Bay Packers emblem on it.

"What is this?!" I shrieked excited.

"Uh, it's just an old beanie," he laughed, "I got it from Felicity as sorta a gag gift one year. She used to tease me about this boy who liked..."

I grinned at him even bigger as he stopped and looked at me.

"Don't tell me..."

"That's me," I nodded excitedly.

"No way," he grabbed the beanie from my hand and hurried out of the room while I followed, "Fizzy!"

"Fiz, can you explain this to him?" I laughed when we reached the living room.

"How'd you know she was called that?" Louis looked back at me.

"Gemma used to call her that," I replied smiling.

Felicity looked up at us confused from the sofa, "what's going on?"

"This beanie," Louis started as he gave it to her, "who was it about?"

Felicity looked at it, a smile on her face, "I forgot I gave you this. It was about Harry, actually. I told Gemma what a huge fan of football you were and she told me about Harry's love of American football. We got this as a gag gift for you."

I smiled and looked at Louis who still was in shock, "you're joking. Unbelievable."

"Wow, this is strange," she laughed and gave it back to Louis.

"You don't say," Louis smirked and handed me the beanie, "here, keep it. It's yours anyways. I'm gonna run up and get our cigarettes."

I chuckled and put it on while Felicity giggled, "Harry, I'd have to say, I'm actually very happy it turned out to be you. I used to tease him about Gemma's brother... and well, here you are."

I smiled, "yeah, I'm glad, too. You two should get together sometime. I know Gemma would love to see you again. She's living in the Waterloo apartments now."

"Oh, those are lovely," she smiled up at me, "how is she liking it?"

"Uh, as far as I know she loves it," I replied, "haven't really seen it much myself. She stays busy with work."

"Understand," she nodded, "I haven't talked to her in a while myself. I moved to live with my fiancé. We've texted some and she's going to come to the wedding next year."

"That's lovely," I nodded, "congratulations."

"Thank you," she smiled at me, "hope you can come as well."

"Uh, I'd love to," I replied.

"I'm so surprised by this," she shook her head giggling, "that you turned out to be her brother."

I grinned a little, "was quite surprising to me as well. She had us meet his first day."

"Aww," she said, "she must've known you two would be brilliant together."

I knew my cheeks were flushed as I smiled, "yeah, she's amazing like that. I've gotta tell her about this when I get back."

"Would you mind if I called her?" She asked and got up.

"Uh, no, of course not," I managed to reply, "she'll be excited to hear from you, I'm sure."

She grinned and started dialing my sisters number, "I just want to tell her you're here. She'll flip."

I tried to smile. She'd flip alright. I hadn't talked to her hardly at all in the past year, other than texts. And I knew now that I had to explain everything to her when I got back.

"Gemma, hey it's Fizzy," she exclaimed, "it's so good to hear from you! Guess who's standing here with me..."

I smiled as she put my sister on speaker, "hi, Gemma."

"Harry?" My sister said excitedly, "you're with Felicity?"

"Uh, yeah, came to Doncaster with Lou for a weekend," I replied.

"Oh, how lovely," she said, "so glad you two are hitting it off so well! And that you got to meet Felicity finally!"

"As soon as I met him, I knew he was your Harry," Felicity laughed into the phone, "he's such a charmer."

"He always was," Gemma laughed.

"I'm not a charmer," I smiled as Louis came strolling up beside me.

"He's lying," Louis shouted smiling before asking who it was. I mouthed Gemma to him and he laughed a little, "yeah, Gem, he's definitely lying. You and I both know it."

Gemma giggled, "hi, Louis. Glad Harry got to go with you."

"Me as well. We've had a lovely time," Lou replied smiling at me, "we're gonna go outside."

"I'll text you, sis. I love you," I said into the phone.

"I love you too, Harry," she suddenly sounded a lot happier and it made me feel so much better.

Louis grabbed my arm while he smirked and hurried outside.

"She called her," he laughed shutting the door, "wow."

"Yeah," I nodded while we walked into the garden, "she sounded really happy to hear from me."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure your mum would like to as well, love," he replied and lit a cigarette.

I lit one myself while we wandered out into the trees. We stopped in front of his treehouse. It seemed pretty big as I glanced up at it.

He grinned, "wanna go up first?"

"Sure," I replied.

"Just be careful with the steps up," he said.

I smiled and headed up the steps that were built into the tree. It was so small and cute on the inside.

Louis came up after me smiling, "whatcha think?"

"I love it," I glanced at him, "not too small, obviously. Probably felt bigger when you were younger, right?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "haven't been up here in ages."

"Seems that way," I grinned while I picked up leaves and tossed them out the window, "your sisters' not like it?"

"Daisy and Phoebe?" He asked. I nodded as he continued, "they used to, yeah. They're going on 13 now though, so you know..."

"Yeah," I smiled and leaned back against the wall, "what was it like growing up like that? How old were you when your real dad left?"

"I was a baby," he replied quieter, "but you know, that's life."

"So, all of your sisters are your step sisters," I said.

He nodded a little.

"I was 9," I told him.

He looked up at me, "well, you got a chance to know him, then."

"Yeah," I sighed, "I still talk to him. He makes sure of that. My mum met Robin though a bit after and he's been great to her, as I imagine your step dad is."

"He's great, yeah," Louis nodded, "always made me feel like I had someone I could look up to."

"That's good," I said quietly, "were you mad, Lou? That your dad left?"

"I was when I was younger," he replied, "in school I often wondered why he didn't want me. I'm pissed my mum was done that way. She didn't deserve it. He could've at least tried to have been in my life, like your dad."

"Mine does yeah," I said, "I'm sorry you grew up that way."

"It's fine now," he smiled, "besides, it's his loss."

"You're right," I smiled back, "did you always live here?"

"Uh, no, we had another house when I was young," he explained, "my mum was left with me and bills... she managed. She met John and I'd have to say he's treated her very well. And he's treated me like I was his. He helped me so many times."

"That's amazing," I said with a sigh and put my head back.

"How was it growing up in Holmes Chapel?" He asked.

"It was pretty simple," I said, "I loved my home, my friends... it was all great until my last year of school."

"When'd you figure out you were gay?" He asked curiously.

"Uh," I chuckled and pulled my knees up, "I always felt like I was different. Probably when I was 8."

"That early?"

"Yeah, well, I just remember telling my mum I had a crush on a boy," I laughed, "she didn't really think much of it until I got older. Then, she sorta just realized I was like that."

"I was about 11," he said, "I knew I didn't really like girls, but I'll admit that I did date some in an attempt to feel normal."

"I never really tried that," I smirked and looked at my hands, "I did do stuff with one girl, it was out of spite though. It was one of my many attempts to get Darren away. Didn't work obviously."

"How... how do I go back tomorrow and act normal around him?" He asked staring at me.

"I don't know," I replied, "I think it's best if he doesn't suspect you know anything, if you can do that."

"It'll be quite hard," he sighed and scoot over to sit next to me, "but I'll help you however I can."

"I really don't deserve you," I whispered and leaned my head against his, "I made this bed... shouldn't I lie in it?"

"You've done enough lying in it," he said seriously, "I'm getting you out of it. You don't deserve to live your life fearing someone."

"I don't fear him," I whispered before finishing, "ok, maybe I do."

"Someone who takes advantage of you and then buys your life," he started seriously, "he can't be pleasant."

"He's not... not anymore," I sighed, "he'll try to act that way to everyone else but I know the real him. And if I get pissed or something, his real side always shows."

"Is he... aggressive?" He asked.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, "there was one time I came home late and Liam thought I had gotten in a fight."

Louis looked even more outraged now and I regretted telling him.

"It's... it's usually my fault," I stuttered, "I get high with him and I don't think clear enough to fight back..."

"Stop," he said loudly, "DO NOT blame yourself ever for that. God, Harry, no. That is never your fault. I don't give a shit if you are high out of your mind!"

I tried to nod as I looked away. He gently took my arm in his and pulled me close before laying his head on my shoulder.

"I love you, Lou," I whispered.

"I love you, too, Haz," he said softly. I smiled a little and put my head on his as we sat there.

We stayed in the treehouse for hours it seemed talking, mostly me just pouring my heart out to him. He didn't mind though. He listened to every word I said.

Morning came quickly and we had gotten up and ready to go. We made sure to tell everyone goodbye before we left for the airport. I was going to miss his family, but I just knew somehow that I'd be back.

When we landed back in London about 10:30 that morning I felt my mood change. Being in Doncaster had lightened a load I didn't realize was so heavy. But I knew being back meant I'd have to face it again. If I could've, I would've asked Louis to stay in Doncaster... the thought of it being just us made me happy. I wanted that more than anything.


	12. Chapter 12

Harry Styles

 

  
The ride back to my house was rather quiet. Louis knew my mood had changed. He wasn't saying much at all, but he was holding my hand on his lap, maybe in an attempt to comfort me. He was great at that. He didn't even have to try. His presence alone was enough for me to feel comfort and at peace.

How this little smart ass from Doncaster had come into my life and changed it was beyond anything I could have ever hoped for. I never saw myself with someone like him, someone so caring and loving. And it was crazy to say I loved him, but I knew without a doubt that I did... and that I didn't want to lose him.

"Why don't we go to second class?" He was saying while I parked.

"I don't really want to," I mumbled and turned off the car.

"Come on, Harry," he quietly said.

"I really just wanna go to bed," I sighed and got out. He made sure to grab both our bags from the back seat, "thank you."

"No problem, love," he said as I unlocked the garage door.

"Hey, you're back!" Niall screamed as soon as we entered. "How was Donny?"

"Was great actually," I replied.

"Louis, I need to talk to you. I'll help you with the bags," Niall offered.

"Uh, alright," Louis laughed and looked at me confused but headed upstairs with Niall.

"What's going on?" I asked Zayn who was sitting on the sofa on his phone.

"Alright, bye," he ended his call and looked back at me, "I asked Niall to go out with Louis tonight."

"Why exactly?" I asked.

He got up and motioned for me to follow him outside, so I did. We stood in the front entrance while he lit a cigarette.

"Dr Roberts is coming here tonight," he started, "I texted you and told you."

"You didn't say it was here," I said irritably, "Zayn, we don't allow anyone to come here. That was sorta a rule."

"Yeah, well, he's paying us £600 a piece," he looked back at me.

"He... he wants us both?" I asked quieter.

"Yeah, come on, it's not the first time he's asked for us both, you know that," he said, "it's only an hour or so, you'll survive."

I sighed as I lit my own cigarette. I wasn't too fond of this idea anymore. Sure, it had never bothered me before, but now it was different. Now, I had Louis.

"How was Doncaster?" He asked breaking my thoughts.

"Was fine," I replied, "had loads of fun actually. Can't wait to go back."

"Good," he nodded, "you needed a good break, Harry. And Darren stopped by this morning, too."

I shook my head and sighed, "alright, what time are we doing this tonight? So I can play along with Niall. Knowing Lou, he isn't gonna want to leave."

"Tell him the truth," Zayn replied.

"I... I already told him some," I admitted, "I left out the part about you."

"Not surprised," he smirked, "Harry, it's a job. He should know there's nothing between us."

"So, how'd you convince Niall?"

"You know Niall," Zayn laughed, "throw in some beer and he'll go."

I sighed and hit my cigarette again.

"Harry, if you have to, tell him you have a job, alright? Don't lie to him. He loves you," he whispered as he stared at me.

"I know he does," I nodded a little, but I felt terrible. How could I ask him to leave so I could help Zayn entertain a guy here?

Few seconds later, we walked back in and Louis and Niall were coming downstairs.

"Hey, Haz, Niall wants me to go with him to the pub. You alright with that?" Louis asked.

Zayn smiled at me and headed upstairs as I managed to answer, "yeah, no, it's fine. You guys have fun. I'm just gonna chill here."

"Great," Niall nearly screamed, "Liam is coming too. And I promise we won't keep him out late, sugar."

"Stop," I laughed and headed upstairs before calling back, "but his ass better be in my bed by at least midnight, Horan!"

"Yes, mummy!" Niall yelled while laughing.

That evening, Louis was getting dressed to go out and I was surprised he hasn't asked why I didn't want to go too.

"You sure this is alright?" He asked, "I don't like the thought of leaving you."

I smiled up at him as he fixed his t-shirt, "it's fine, Lou. Really. Gives you a chance to get to know Niall and Liam."

"Kinda wish you'd go," he said finally as he sat down next to me.

I grinned at him from my phone, "I'll survive. You go and have fun."

"I'll do my best," he smiled and kissed me gently, "I'll probably text you all night though."

I nodded and felt the guilt growing in me, but Niall called for him before I could even explain.

"Coming!" Louis yelled back as he got up, "see you in a bit, love."

"Have fun," I smiled at him and watched him leave the room. I sat up and felt completely useless again.

He had spent all weekend allowing me to open up about stuff and I couldn't find the courage to even say what needed to be said.

"Harry," I heard Zayn call a few seconds later.

"In here," I replied and put my face in my hands.

"Hey, they're gone and he'll be here soon. Get dressed," he said.

I looked up at him, "I feel like shit, Zayn. I couldn't even tell him the fucking truth."

"Harry, tell him later," he laughed and opened my closet.

"Are you already high?" I asked.

"I'm always high when we do this," he replied and threw a bunch of my shirts on the bed before pulling out the stuff from his pocket, "here, do it."

"I don't know..."

"Come on, Harry, you need a pick me up," he sighed.

I sat on the edge of the bed while he pumped my body full of drugs. Suddenly, I felt a lot less. I felt absolutely spectacular.

"Alright now?" He asked studying me.

"Brilliant," I sighed, "I'll get dressed."

"Make it one of these," he pointed to 2 of my silk shirts on the bed, "he loves those on you."

"Dressing me too?" I asked laughing while I started undressing.

"Yeah, well, you know this guy as well as I do," he shrugged, and stepped closer, "practice."

I looked back at him and he kissed me, not gentle at all... a full make out kiss. His hands found my hips and pulled me into him until our bodies were against one another's, his lips moving down my neck and chest while I sighed out above.

He moved back up my neck until his eyes met mine. He smirked a little, "ok, enough practice, babe. You, get your ass dressed and I'll get the music."

I nodded as he left the room. Seemed a bit idiotic to me to dress and then undress. But I was used to this. And this particular guy liked me a lot. He had been coming to see us for months now.

Zayn brought the music in and put it on then we shared a joint on the balcony. I was high out of my mind by the time it was gone, and I knew that some of tonight I wouldn't even remember, not that I wanted to remember it. I had no desire to. All of this meant nothing to me. And a certain blonde, blue eyed boy kept coming to mind, no matter how high I was.

I was so ashamed of myself. He didn't deserve this.

"Hey," Zayn spoke up from beside me, "stop. Look, it's just an hour and when Louis gets back, tell him the truth."

I nodded a little.

"You could've told me no," he said quietly, "I would've gladly cancelled it if I had known you felt this way."

"I'd cheat you out of your money," I looked back at him, "that's not fair to you."

"Neither is you doing something you don't want to," he replied seriously, "or maybe you're just used to that because of Darren."

"Don't," I said loudly, "don't bring him into this."

"Harry, it's perfectly ok to tell someone no," he said, "I can use the money, yeah, but you're more important. Don't think you can't say no to me. I won't be like him... I won't force you to continue doing this. I know how much Louis means to you... I get that. And I get that you actually love him and don't want to hurt him. So, from now on, tell me no if you want to."

I sighed and tried to nod, though I still felt so guilty. "Get me another joint."

"What? You're already high as a kite," he said.

"Just get me one," I replied not looking at him. He hurried in and got one and I worked on putting my misery aside for a while.

Soon, Dr Roberts was there in my room with us. I was higher than I had ever been for this, but there was no other way I'd ever make it through it.

I knew Louis probably would've understood if I had told him the truth about it, but I didn't want to hurt him. Yet, here I was, allowing this to happen. I was so ashamed of myself for it. Zayn knew I was off the whole time, that I wasn't acting like I normally would. He could see what a battle this was for me now.

When it was over, Zayn had slipped his boxers on and shown Dr Roberts out while I got up and checked my phone. I had 4 messages from Louis. I closed my eyes and bit my lip as I walked out on the balcony.

"Hey, you alright?" Zayn asked me from the doorway.

"No, I'm not," I started, "I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."

"I got that," he nodded, "that's fine. I'm not gonna be pissed at you for it, and you know that. You're my best friend, Harry, and your feelings mean more to me than any amount of money."

I smiled a little, "thanks."

"You're welcome," he said softly, "I know we've been fooling around for years but I know what he means to you."

"How do you know?" I asked quietly as I stared at him.

He grinned, "well, for one, you called me Lou in the middle of that."

"Shit," I sighed and rubbed my forehead, "I can't believe I did that."

"You were high," he smirked and rubbed my neck gently, "it's ok, babe. Really. Look, I know what he means to you. I get it. I do. If you wanna quit, quit. I'll never stand in the way of what makes you happy."

"Thanks, man," I whispered, "I appreciate that."

"Just promise me one thing," he said smiling.

"What?" I chuckled and looked back at him.

"I'll be your best man at the wedding," he grinned and kept rubbing my neck.

"Wedding?" I laughed blushing, "uh, ok. You know you will be anyways. That was always sorta the plan."

"I'm just making sure," he smiled a little and got quieter, "you really love him, don't you?"

"I do," I nodded back at him, "sounds insane, I know..."

"Not all that insane," he smiled, "I'm just glad you have him. You needed someone like him."

I smiled and looked down. I was so thankful for him. I don't think Zayn even knew how much I was. I don't think I ever told him. I had known him since I was 13 and he had been there through every shit storm I created. He had sat by me on nights when I needed someone. He had listened and held me when I needed it.

I heard the bedroom door swing open, and as I looked inside, I saw Louis standing there staring at the both of us... me in absolutely nothing and Zayn in his boxers.

"Lou," I started but he ignored me.

Zayn walked over to him and started to say something and Louis threw his knuckles into his face.

"Lou, stop," I yelled and ran over to pull him off.

"Fuck off," he pushed me away, "how could you fucking do this?!"

"I haven't done anything," I yelled back at him, "Zayn and I.. we work together, alright?"

Louis' face was still hostile but he lowered his hands and stared at me.

"It's the fucking truth," I sighed, "please... we had someone who came over and they paid us."

"Yeah, did you not see him leaving?" Zayn spoke up as he held his mouth.

Louis looked from Zayn to me, "so, you do this together?"

I nodded and tried to control what I was feeling.

"Look, Louis, we don't do this all the time," Zayn started, "we work separately most of the time. The guy's just a really good client of ours and we've known him a while. I wouldn't do this to you or Harry. Harry fucking loves you, man. More than you probably even realize."

Louis' eyes were on me but I was too busy biting back the tears in mine while I grabbed my clothes and hurried to put them on while walking back out on the balcony.

"Harry," he started from behind me.

"I'm sorry," I interrupted him, "I wanted to tell you before you left, Lou. I'm so sorry."

"It's alright," he replied quietly.

I looked back at him as he walked over to me, "no, it's not alright! You don't deserve this. Don't you get it? You deserve better than this! I'm not even worth it."

"Stop," he sighed, "I shouldn't have even jumped to conclusions."

I didn't look back at him. I wiped my eyes and stayed quiet.

"Hey," he spoke up as he gently put his hand on my face, "I'm really sorry."

"Don't be," I said, "I mean, if you can't trust me, what kind of relationship is it?"

"I... I didn't say I didn't," he whispered, "I don't know what came over me, Harry. I was... jealous."

"Of what? Zayn?"

He nodded a little, "I... I guess I have issues with this."

I bit my lip and tried to nod, "I have issues with it, too. Believe me."

"He does," Zayn spoke up from the balcony doorway, fully clothed now, "believe it or not, he told me he was quitting, Louis... for you."

Louis looked up at Zayn, then to me, "don't... don't quit because of me."

"I can't do it," I looked back at him, "I just can't. Zayn can tell you what a fucking mess I've been all night."

Zayn smirked, "he called me Lou."

Louis finally smiled as he looked at me, "what?"

My cheeks flushed as I smiled back, "yeah, well, you're all I thought about."

Louis smiled a little, then turned to Zayn, "I'm sorry, Malik, for your lip."

Zayn chuckled a little, "hey, it's alright, mate. I probably would've done the same. You've got a good punch."

"Where's Liam and Niall?" I asked.

"They, uh, they're still at the pub," Louis stuttered out, "I... I was told by someone that you were here doing something..."

I glanced back at him through wide eyes, "by who?"

"I bet I know who," Zayn sighed and walked back inside to the metal box on my bed.

"Fucking bastard!" I shouted and pushed my hair back.

"Calm down," Zayn walked back out with a joint, "Harry, you know how the fucking cunt is. Don't be surprised by it."

Louis looked back at me as I lit a cigarette. I was so fucking pissed. Darren had went behind my back and tried to convince Louis he couldn't trust me.


	13. Chapter 13

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
"What did he say to you?" Harry asked me irritably.

I stood next to him against the ledge, Zayn on the other side of him lighting a joint, "he came in the pub and I honestly wanted to beat the shit out of him..."

Harry's hands were on the ledge, his head hanging low. I knew how upset this was going to make him.

"I stayed cool. Pretended like I didn't know anything at all. Told him I didn't want to talk to him, though, and he said I couldn't trust you... that you were here with someone..."

"So, he set you up to catch me," Harry yelled and threw his hands up, "I'm fucking done! He's not going to continue to fuck up my life!"

"Calm down," I whispered touching his arm.

"Calm down?" He laughed almost, "Lou, not only has he controlled me since I was 16, he's now trying to ruin my fucking relationship with you! How did he even fucking know what Zayn and I were doing?!"

"Woah, woah," Zayn started looking at the two of us, "you've known him since you were 16?"

Harry sighed and leaned back, "yeah uh, that's... that's not something I've said to anyone, other than Louis."

"How the fuck has this creep been around that long?" Zayn asked.

"He... He," Harry stuttered.

"He took advantage of Harry when he was 16," I spoke up and looked at Harry. He kept his eyes closed as he looked away. I went over and rubbed his back gently.

"He what?" Zayn asked wide eyed, "Harry, why... why didn't you tell me this?"

"I... I was scared to," he admitted and I could see tears coming out. He looked like he was trying to fight them, but he couldn't, "he followed me here, Zayn. Everything I have, he basically got for me."

He stopped to catch his breath and I hugged him immediately. "It's alright, calm down, love."

"It's not alright," Harry pulled away and wiped his eyes, "God, Lou, all of this... it's gotten so out of hand. I just want him to go away! Forever!"

"Harry," Zayn spoke up next, "he can go away. We can take care of him."

"What do you mean? Kill him? Cause I'm up for that," I said quickly, gaining a small laugh from Zayn. Harry smiled a little at me, "sounds great to me."

"We can't kill him," Zayn said lowly, "but we can hurt him. And we can keep him away from Harry."

"We need to move," I said seriously, "it's the most reasonable thing to do... we move and we don't tell him."

"He'll find out. Don't you get it?" Harry asked raising his voice again, "he always finds out, Lou. He found out when I moved here, Zayn."

"He's stalked you this whole fucking time? And yet, you still do shit with him?" Zayn asked getting angry, "why the fuck would you even allow that if he raped you at 16?"

"Don't turn on Harry," I said, "yeah, he fucked up... but he's trying to do his best to straighten this shit out, Malik. At least he wants it to change."

Harry kept his head down while he leaned back against the railing, wiping his eyes slowly.

"I'm... I'm sorry," Zayn whispered, "but Harry, I've known you since we were 13. Why couldn't you tell me? Aren't we friends? I would've helped you any way I could've."

"I didn't tell mum or Gemma either," Harry looked back at Zayn, "I'm sorry. I wanted to but... I just kept it to myself."

"It doesn't matter why he didn't tell," I snapped, "what matters now is we get rid of this fucking bastard. And we need to figure out how."

"You can't. He'll find me," Harry nearly whispered, "I bet you anything he's parked out front now."

"Wouldn't put it past him," Zayn sighed and stepped over, hugging Harry tight. Harry lay his head on his shoulder and sighed. "I'm sorry, Harry. I really am. You're my best friend and I really wish I would've known, man. I had no idea."

"Thanks," Harry sighed, "I should've been honest with you about him. Truth is, I really stopped caring... until Louis."

"Sometimes it takes a dose of genuine happiness to bring you back to reality and look at what's important," Zayn quietly said.

Harry nodded a little and wiped his eyes again. I heard Niall calling and looked inside to see him standing there in the room.

"What's going on?" He asked looking at Harry, "you alright, mate?"

"We've gotta talk," Zayn said first, "is Liam with you?"

"Uh, yeah, downstairs," Niall replied while keeping his eyes on Harry, "what's going on?"

"Go get Liam. I'll explain," Harry breathed out before looking back at me. I gave him a small nod telling him it was alright while I grabbed his hand.

Niall nodded and hurried back in while Harry went to the metal box again and pulled out something before he disappeared in the bathroom.

"How do we get rid of him?" Zayn asked me quiet enough that Harry couldn't hear.

"I'm not sure," I replied, "but we've got to. Zayn, the guy has attacked him several times. He told me. He's literally beat the shit out of him."

"He has," Zayn nodded and sighed, "I remember him coming in several times. He told us he got in a fight. He came home once dazed and confused and he looked terrible. I never actually thought it was Darren."

I nodded and lit a cigarette, "he's gonna need all the help he can to get out of this. This guy traces his every move. He found out we went to Doncaster. How the fuck he did, I don't know."

"I don't underestimate anything the guy does," Zayn mumbled, "but we can make sure we keep Harry from him. Somehow."

I nodded a little as Harry came out of the bathroom sniffing but looking like he felt a lot better. He must've gotten high so that maybe he could make it through this conversation.

After Liam and Niall returned, Harry, with the help of me too, explained everything to them. It was hard for him to even admit what had happened to him, so I helped. I helped as much as I could because I knew how uncomfortable he was.

"So, this is his house," Niall spoke up after Harry had finished. We were all seated on the balcony passing around joints and bottles of wine.

"Yeah," Harry quietly responded, "I'm sorry I never said anything... I was ashamed of myself."

"Never be ashamed to tell us something," Liam said seriously, "it's fine, Harry. We can get through this somehow."

"I say we rent a flat," Niall suggested.

"That's actually a great idea," Zayn nodded, "somewhere away from here."

"But if I move, he'll find out through the school," Harry said as he stared down at his hands, "he's gonna find out regardless of what I do."

"Doesn't mean he'll get to you," I said seriously as I patted his leg, "a restraining order still sounds good to me."

"A piece of paper?" Zayn asked, "the dude will laugh at the fucking thought."

"He's right, Lou. I told you, no one will believe me over him," Harry sighed and leaned his head back against the balcony door, "It'd never work."

"Look, I'll go tomorrow and look at flats," Liam offered, "I think it's best if Harry plays along until we move though. It gives us a chance to plan this and Darren won't have a fucking clue until we're out of here."

"I'm supposed to let him keep going to the cunt?" I snapped.

"No, he's right," Harry looked over at me, "he... he doesn't need to know. I don't want him knowing. Please. I'll play along until we can get a flat."

"I'll chip in anything I have," Zayn offered, "I mean, we should have enough between us."

Harry nodded a little and took the joint from Zayn.

"Fine, but we're gonna make this fast," I sighed reluctantly, "he shouldn't have to keep suffering."

"He spends like 3 nights a week over there, Louis," Zayn said coldly, "he can't just stop."

"Like hell he can't," I shouted back.

"Stop!" Harry yelled over us, "stop talking about me like I'm not fucking here!"

Zayn nodded and said quietly, "sorry."

Harry got up shaking his head, "I'll do what I have to do to get this fucking bastard out of my life, alright? I can do it. I've acted plenty of times before."

"I'm sorry," I got up and rubbed his back, "we'll do it. Alright? I'll even go with you if I have to... sit outside."

"He'd know," Harry looked at me and softened up at my touch, "I got myself into this, I can get myself out. I'm just... I'm thankful you guys are offering to help me."

"We're your friends... you're like our brother. Of course we'll help," Liam said and stood up, "I'll call around and look at flats. Maybe it won't take more than a week to get one."

"I'll loan the money to you," Harry nodded, "and I'll play along until it's done."

"We can do it," I nodded. I gave him a kiss and pushed his hair back, "I love you. And we'll get through this, Haz."

He nodded a little and pulled me in to hug me, "thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you. I mean that."

I smiled to myself as I rested my head against his, "I'll look after you."

Harry was a strong lad, very strong. He had gone through such hell for years at the hands of this man. While I knew some would say he asked for it, he didn't. He allowed it to keep happening because I knew deep down he was afraid of him. I could understand why he was.

A week later, we were looking at a flat that we all could afford. It wasn't too far from the school and we all would have a room, with Harry and I sharing of course.

Harry would go to school, then the house. He knew Darren was following his every move so he kept it simple. He skipped the pub for most of the week because Darren was there every fucking time. He still went to see him almost every other night... and I couldn't ever manage to sleep on those nights. I worried about him. Most of the time he'd text me when he left, he'd come in and he'd sit in bed with me either crying or not saying anything at all. And each time, I would hold him in my arms and whisper things in his ear to make him feel better. We had no idea how we would keep the bastard away... how could we possibly?

It was Friday morning and Harry hadn't made it back from Darren's yet. It was odd to me because he usually had called or texted me by 2 at least to let me know he was on his way... and that he was alright.

But it was going on 5 am and I still hadn't heard from him. I made coffee and kept texting him, hoping he might answer.

"You're up early," Niall spoke up.

"Yeah," I stared down at my phone, "I can't get a hold of Harry, Niall. I'm worried. He's usually texted me by now to tell me he's alright."

"He's not home yet?" Niall looked surprised, "what the fuck? When's the last you heard from him?"

"About 2," I replied, "I... I'm worried. I'm about to go get in one of your car's and go to his bloody flat in Peckham."

"I don't like this," Niall mumbled, "this doesn't feel right."

"Where's Zayn?" I got up instantly and headed for the stairs, Niall tailing me.

"He's asleep," he replied from behind me while I knocked on Zayn's door.

"Zayn, it's Louis," I called to him, "can I come in?"

"Sure," he mumbled. I opened the door as he sat up in bed, "what's happening?"

"Harry isn't back yet," I started, "I haven't heard from him since 2. Can you drive me to the fucker's flat?"

Zayn rubbed his eyes and nodded a little, "uh, yeah, sure. Let me get dressed real quick."

"Have you tried calling him?" Niall asked me while we stood in the doorway of Zayn's room.

"I have," I replied trying to stay calm, "I've been texting and calling for hours."

"Something's happened," Zayn spoke up as he got dressed.

"No fucking shit," I snapped at him.

"Don't get pissed with me," he almost yelled at me, "this isn't my fucking fault."

"It's not Harry's either," I shouted, "I knew he didn't need to keep playing along..."

"If he didn't, the bastard would be here, Louis!" Zayn shouted at me, "he'd be coming here every fucking night to his room. Would you stop him?"

"Of fucking course I would!" I yelled, "this was the most stupidest idea!"

"You'd end up beating the guy to death," Zayn said quieter, "and I'd be there helping you."

I stayed quiet and knew he was right. There's no way in hell I'd let him in Harry's room. I'd fucking kill him before he got in.

"Stop arguing and go find him," Niall raised his voice looking at the two of us, "this is pathetic. You both care about him yet you're too busy yelling at one another to find him!"

I looked back at Zayn, "I'm sorry."

Zayn nodded a little, "me, too. Let's just go find him."

Zayn picked up his car keys and we headed down to the garage, Niall following along. I dialed Harry's number again and listened to the ring.

Then, as soon as Zayn had opened the door, I heard his ringtone playing. I looked in the garage to see Harry's car, with Harry lying over in the front seat.

"What the fuck?!" I yelled and ran over, Zayn and Niall right behind me.

He was unconscious and his face looked horrible. I was filled with so much fear. I feared that he wasn't breathing... I couldn't even comprehend that thought. I just knew he had to be ok.


	14. Chapter 14

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
I opened the car door and quickly reached down for Harry, "Zayn, help me."

We both struggled to pull Harry up and he kept mumbling.

"Let's get him to the couch," Zayn said calmly. I didn't see how he was so calm. I was fucking freaking out looking at him.

"Harry, come on," I started saying after we had lay him down. I patted his cheeks lightly and he kept mumbling and making faces.

"He's in pain," Zayn said quietly before running upstairs.

Niall was standing next to the couch staring down at Harry biting his nails in nervousness.

"Harry, come on, love," I said louder.

"Niall," Zayn started as he came back with stuff in his hands, "get some water."

"He won't respond," I nearly yelled, "we should call an ambulance, Zayn."

"He's mumbling, he's fine," Zayn replied still as calm as ever as he put a belt around his arm.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked, "you can't drug him up with him being out of it!"

Zayn looked back at me, "I don't think you were here when he came home like this, were you?"

I stared at him in disbelief as he went back to what he was doing, "he's been like this before?"

Zayn didn't say anything. He just nodded a little and prepped the vial of drugs.

As soon as the needle went in Harry's arm, he was moving frantically while screaming at us.

"Harry! Calm down!" I yelled and did my best to restrain him while Zayn finished, "it's us! It's Zayn and Lou!"

"Don't touch me!" He kept yelling.

Zayn removed the needle and I nearly tackled Harry on the couch as I hugged him, "it's me, Harry. It's Lou. Please calm down."

He finally stopped fighting me and his eyes were half open when they met mine, "I'm... I'm sorry. Where am I? How'd I get here?"

"I was hoping you could tell us that," Zayn said softly and took a seat on the table in front of us.

I hugged Harry gently, doing my best to not allow my emotions to take over me, "you're alright, love. You're here with us."

"What'd you give me?" Harry asked as he tried to look over at Zayn.

"Morphine," Zayn replied, "what happened, Harry?"

"I... I was trying to leave," he mumbled out closing his eyes, "he started talking about Lou... I went off on him. I called it off..."

"Why would you do that?" I asked.

"Because I'm sick of it," he tried to yell while sitting up. He grabbed his stomach and lay still as he closed his eyes.

"Don't try to move please," I whispered and took a seat beside him.

"We should take him to the hospital," Niall spoke up.

"What? No," Harry said quickly, "hell, no. I'm not going. I'm fine."

"You're not fine," I shouted back, "stop! You could have a broken rib or something!"

"How did he get away with this?" Zayn asked, "you didn't put up a fight at all? I know you better than that, Harry."

Harry didn't open his eyes, "he... he attacked me.... when I was trying to leave. I don't remember much of it, other than him saying he wanted to talk about it... he was acting normal. Few minutes later, I was out of it. Last thing I remember is being put in the car..."

"Fucking bastard," I mumbled, "I'm gonna kill him. I'm going to fucking kill him."

"You can't kill him," Zayn sighed, "trust me, I'd help you if we could."

"Can't we take him to the hospital and say what happened?" Niall asked, "surely, we can tell them he attacked him?"

"They won't believe me," Harry muttered.

"We need to get out of here," I sighed, "the bastard will be back. And I won't sit here and do nothing. I will fucking break him for this!"

"Where can we go?" Niall asked, "the flat hasn't been rented yet."

"There's got to be someone," Zayn thought out loud.

"Call Gemma," Harry spoke up. I turned back to him, his eyes on me, "tell her we need a place to stay for a bit."

"Are you sure you wanna do that?" I asked, "we can find somewhere else."

"She has... she has a small place up town. I don't think she'd mind," he replied, "just... get me away from here... please..."

I wanted to cry at his words. He was nearly begging me to take him away from this. So, I did exactly what he asked and hurried upstairs to call his sister.

I talked to her for a few minutes, then hung up, wiping away the tears in my eyes. I turned to see Harry standing in the doorway, keeping himself propped up.

"You shouldn't be up," I said softly as I walked over to him. His beautiful face was covered in blood and his left eye was swollen up.

I put my arms around him and hugged him as light as possible without hurting him. Tears rolled down my cheeks onto his bloody shirt.

"Is she alright with it?" He asked.

"Yeah," I sniffed, "she's coming over."

"You're crying," he whispered and pulled me away to look at me.

"You didn't deserve this," I managed to get out, "Harry, you're such an incredible person. I don't see how or why someone would do this to you."

"I'll be ok," he whispered back, "I'm fine, Lou. Really. I just... I need to get out of here."

I nodded a little as his eyes filled up. I knew he wasn't alright, he couldn't fool me and he knew it. I pulled him into me and let him cry. I cried with him. I felt like he would never get through this trauma... and that the last 3 years would stay with him no matter what he did in the future.

"Are we packing?" Zayn spoke up from behind us as he stared at us, "you lads ok?"

"Fine, yeah, " I replied and let Harry go, "yeah, uh, we're packing. Gemma is coming over. She said we could stay."

"Alright. Liam should be back soon," Zayn added and went to his room.

I helped Harry over to the bed and he sat down slowly, "alright, love?"

"I'll survive," he replied, "mind packing my shirts in the closet and some of my boots?"

"No, of course not," I replied and went to his closet to pull out suitcases and duffel bags.

Harry lay down on the bed as I packed, his hands over his face while he kept sobbing. There was nothing I could do. I felt so helpless.

"I love you,"I said softly as I walked over to him.

"Love you, too," he said through sobs.

"You need to calm down," I sighed, "you're gonna have an attack or something."

He didn't say anything. He continued crying and my heart was broken. I had no clue how to help him through this one. This was beyond anything I was used to.

I sat down and placed my hand on his leg while he kept crying. I wasn't going to talk him out of it... he needed to get it out. He reached down and placed his hand over mine, the other staying over his face.

"Harry," I choked back tears, "why did you try to break it off knowing how he was?"

"Because," he sighed and wiped his eyes, "all I thought about was you... here alone without me because I was too busy giving in to him. I had to call it off. I've done this in the past and it's never blown up in my face this bad."

"Maybe it's because of me," I said quietly, "he knows we're together. He knew you were calling it off because of me, didn't he?"

He tried to nod as he breathed out slowly keeping his eyes closed.

"What did he say about me?" I asked.

"Just a bunch of bull shit, Lou," he replied, "I'm not going to repeat it. It's not worth repeating."

I nodded a little and got up, "I'll finish packing. You lay here and rest. If you need something, tell me, please."

I leaned down and kissed his forehead, "thank you, Lou."

"Don't thank me," I whispered staring at him, "I love you. And I swear from now on, I will keep you away from him. I swear on my life, Harry. I'll look after you."

He finally smiled a little and hugged me, "I love you, too."

"Rest, alright? I'll finish and we'll go," I said as I let him go.

I helped him pull the covers up on himself and went back to packing. He was exhausted I knew, so I wasn't too surprised when he started snoring.

I sat the bags downstairs when the doorbell rang. I opened it and seen Gemma looking worried.

"Hey, come in, "I sighed.

"How's Harry?" She asked looking around.

"Uh, he'll manage," I sighed, "look, why don't we go upstairs and I can explain."

She nodded and followed me up to Harry's room. He was still asleep and her face changed completely at the sight of her little brother.

"How did this happen?" Her hand was over her mouth as she stared at him.

"Let's, uh, go on the balcony and I can tell you," I quietly replied.

I lit a cigarette and started explaining everything to her, starting from when he was 16. She listened intently as tears spilled out. It was all a shock to her, I knew.

"How could someone do this?" She asked.

"I don't know," I replied quietly, "I really don't know. The man is unstable, Gem. His behavior is psychotic. He won't leave him alone, no matter what he does. Harry was trying to call it off for good but this is how he was repaid."

She shook her head and wiped her eyes, "you can stay as long as you want. If he shows up, I'll call the police. I won't do this. I'll have him arrested."

"He needs to be," I nodded, "but he's too smart to get caught. Besides, Harry doesn't think anyone will believe him over a professor."

"Why.. why didn't he tell us?" She asked, "mum could've done something."

"He realizes that now," I sighed, "I guess because he was young... he didn't want to tell because he was ashamed."

"He could've killed him," she nearly shouted, "he's fortunate he hasn't."

"Yeah," I said quietly, "but I don't think he wants him dead. He just wants him hurt.. and I'm pretty sure he only did this because of me. He knows we're together and the bastard despises Harry for it."

"He'll be safe at my place," she said and hugged me, "thank you for telling me."

"Harry wanted to. We discussed it in Doncaster," I replied, "and he asked me to call you."

"I'm glad he did," she said, "I... I wish I would've known."

"He wants help now," I said as I let her go, "that's what matters."

"Thank you for being here for him... for treating him like he deserves," she tried to smile.

"I love him," I said, "he knows I do."

"I'll help you get the bags," she offered and wiped her eyes.

We walked back in, Harry still snoring lightly.

Liam was already back and putting his things downstairs when we made it down.

"How is he?" He asked immediately.

"He's ok," I replied, "Zayn tell you?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "I'm willing to help him. If I need to stay with Sophia to give you lads more room, I can."

"Uh, I think we'll be alright," I looked at Gemma, "she has a spare room and a sofa."

"Alright," Liam said and patted my shoulder gently before heading outside to put his things in Zayn's car. Niall was throwing his things in his own car and Gemma and I put our things in hers.

I found Harry some clothes and sat down on the bed by him, "hey, love."

He stirred a little and opened his eyes slightly.

"Your sis is here and ready to go," I whispered, "let's clean you up, alright?"

He rubbed his eyes and nodded, "can I change?"

I held up the clothes and smiled a little, "on it, love. I'm gonna get you a cloth and clean you up, alright?"

He started getting up slowly and trying to unbutton his shirt. I started helping him as he kept his head low, his hair in his face. His chest and stomach were different shades of blue in different spots already. I tried not to stare at them in fear that I'd upset him more.

I got a wet cloth and helped clean up his face the best I could. He stayed quiet the whole time, not even looking at me.

I helped him up and helped him out of his tight jeans, then slipped on his sweatpants.

"I'll go barefoot," he mumbled a little.

"You sure?" I asked.

He nodded as he started tying his hair up slowly in the mirror. His face looked miserable when he finished his bun, touching his face gently.

"It'll heal," I whispered and put my arm around him, "you're still beautiful, Haz. I promise."

He tried to nod as he bit his lip and tears formed again. I quickly took his Xanax off the bed table, "here, take these."

"I'm alright," he quietly said.

"No you're not," I sighed, "you need to calm down, Harry..."

"No!" He yelled and knocked my hand away before he started crying against the dresser, "I'm... I'm so sorry."

He tried to kneel down to find them and I quickly got them for him, "it's alright, love."

"No, it's not," he said, "God, I just..."

I hugged him again while he sighed and cried quietly, "Harry, I'm getting you out of here, alright? Just calm down. Take these. Please."

He let me go and took the pills from my hand and swallowed them then wiped his eyes.

"Really sorry," he whispered.

"Don't be," I replied. I picked up his metal box and looked around the room, "anything else you need?"

He shook his head, "no. As long as you got my clothes, I'm not too worried about the rest."

I put my arm around his waist to help him, "Gemma is gonna let us ride with her, alright?"

"Is she mad at me?" He questioned.

"No," I quickly said, "fuck, no. Why would she be mad at you?"

"For not telling her," he mumbled, "I'm not sure I'm ready to face her, Lou."

"She's not mad at all. She was really upset," I answered, "she wants to help. Come on. It's gonna be alright."

He sighed and we headed downstairs slowly, Harry wincing in pain several times.

We made it outside and my eyes went straight to the end of the drive where Liam and Zayn were talking to the fucking bastard.

"Wait in the car," I mumbled to Harry as Gemma came over to help him.

"Lou," Harry sighed.

"So, Harry can't speak for himself?" I heard Darren laughing.

"Really? He did speak for himself!" I yelled as I walked over.

"Lou, don't," Harry said from behind me but I was too fucking pissed not to say something.

"He spoke up for himself last night!" I yelled in his face, "he tried for the millionth time to call it off with you! You didn't fucking listen! Just like you didn't listen when he was a fucking kid! Stay the fuck away from him! You won't keep taking shit from him! You come within 500 meters of his ass and I'll have you fucking arrested!"

"Me?" He laughed sarcastically, "it's that slut's word against a professor's... who do you think they'll believe?"

I didn't hesitate to throw my fist and slam him straight in the nose. Zayn and Liam pulled me away quickly.

"Stop," Zayn said lowly, "you wanna get in trouble for attacking a professor? Don't do this here."

"He's not worth it," Liam said seriously as he stared at Darren, "but if I would've known this sooner, I would've made sure your ass was crippled."

"Get the fuck out of here," Zayn said, "you've got your shit back. Leave Harry the fuck alone. Don't ever come around him again."

I walked off to get in the car with Harry who was seated up front with Gemma. He had his eyes on his hands in his lap, his face completely miserable as Gemma did her best to comfort him.

"Let's go, please," I mumbled without looking back.

Niall and Zayn followed us up to Gemma's place near the heart of London. Harry sat quiet the whole way, Gemma still crying as quiet as possible.

I wanted to fucking break the bastard. I was gonna find a way to take care of him myself. I couldn't sit back and not do anything to him after what he had done to Harry. I didn't care if it meant killing him by this point. I just wanted him to suffer the way Harry had suffered.


	15. Chapter 15

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
"You two take the spare room," Gemma offered when we had arrived at her apartment.

It was a cute and quaint little 2 bedroom place in the WaterLoo Apartments in London. Had an amazing view from the balcony in the living area and the balcony in the guest room we were in.

Harry lay down on the bed after putting down his bags. I sat mine down next to the closet as I looked at him, his hands over his face while he lay on the bed.

"You alright, love?" I asked.

He nodded, "I'll survive. I always do. Thanks for sticking up for me like that."

"Did you expect me to stand there and do nothing? After what he called you and did to you?" I asked.

Harry shrugged and stared up at the ceiling, "he's right though. It is my word against his. It always has been. No one would ever believe me over a well-respected professor."

"They would if you had proof," I seriously said.

"Yeah, well, it's a little too late for that," he mumbled back, "I fucked up that chance years ago."

Gemma knocked on the open door and tried to smile at us, "hey, can I talk to you, Harry?"

"Yeah," Harry sighed, "I don't mind."

"I'll wait outside," I offered.

I was quickly stopped by Gemma touching my arm, "no, stay. Please."

I looked over at Harry who just nodded a little, telling me it was ok with him.

"Alight," I nodded a little as Harry got up and then opened the balcony door to step out and smoke.

"Let me start by saying I'm sorry," he said first, "I... I should've told you, sis."

"It's ok," she whispered, "and I do get why you didn't. But all of this could've been prevented."

Harry leaned back against the railing, "I know that. I've beat myself up about this for years. And I regret not telling you or mum. I'm really sorry."

"I know, "she hugged her brother tight, "I love you so much, Harry. You're my brother and I'm always here for you. But... why would you allow it for so long?"

"Because it was easier than feeling," he replied, "I.... I liked the attention at first... he would literally give me anything I wanted. So, I continued to use that.... while he continued to use me."

"I don't know what to say," she sighed but looked at me, ""Louis, thank you, for helping him like he deserved."

"I love him," I started as I rubbed Harry's neck gently, "and he knows that. I'd kill for him if I had to."

"I know you would," Gemma nodded, "Harry, I'm glad you found each other. Truly."

"So am I," Harry looked at me, "he's the best thing that could've happened to me."

I smiled and felt myself blushing a little while Harry pulled me in and hugged me tight. I closed my eyes and got lost in the embrace of him; the feel of his body against mine. I knew I'd never get used to holding this amazing human being in my arms.

Harry and Gemma started another conversation and before too long Harry was making her laugh with his crazy jokes and stories. I walked in the kitchen to find her coffee and put some on. I was exhausted... and it was only 8 am. Zayn and Liam were working on hooking up their Xbox to the tv. I had a feeling this would be an eventful stay... The 5 of us with Gemma and her cat. I wondered if she would get sick of us lads quickly.

We had the radio blasting that evening listening and dancing along while Gemma was cooking.

Niall and Zayn were laughing and fighting over FIFA, my favorite game, and I was offering to help Gemma with the food.

"Is Liam coming back for dinner?" Gemma was asking me.

"Yeah, he only went to Sophia's," I replied, "she and him are supposed to be going on a holiday soon, for just a few days."

"Sounds lovely," she smiled from the stove, "you know, you and Harry should do that. Really. Take like a whole week away from here... somewhere you both can be alone and get some much needed space."

"Well, he's not planning on attending uni the rest of the year," I sighed and helped her with the chicken from the oven. "Said he was withdrawing and taking the rest of the year off. I'm thinking of doing the same."

"Well, I can't say that I blame him," Gemma shook her head, "that professor will get his license revoked before this over."

"A holiday does sound lovely though," I began to smile as I thought of having Harry somewhere alone... maybe beachside somewhere warm.... Harry would love that.

"He was always fond of America. He's been to LA several times from what he told me," she smiled, "but I'm sure he'd be happy anywhere other than here."

"I didn't know he'd been to America," I said curiously, "when did he go?"

"Uh, not sure. He just texted me about it every time," she smiled a little, "before we kinda stopped texting almost."

"He never meant to push you away," I whispered, "he just... he didn't know how to handle it. He thought he was better off keeping it all inside."

"It would eventually kill him," she looked at me, "look, I know Harry has a problem with drugs... he has for a while. I noticed it when he came home one weekend after only being here for a few months."

I crossed my arms and listened to her intently. I hadn't heard this yet.

"He has used them since the beginning in order to avoid feeling anything," she sighed, "I've seen it happen to a few close friends of mine... but I never saw it happening to my brother. I thought he was fine here... I had no idea why he ever even started drugs."

"Because the asshole introduced him to that world almost as soon as he got here," I mumbled out, "he got caught up in that world. I don't think he's addicted to anything..."

"Doesn't matter... doing tons of different things is not going to benefit him," she said quietly.

"Smells good," Zayn spoke up as he got up from the couch grabbing his cigarettes.

"Hey, Malik, I need to talk to you," I said and quickly followed him out on the balcony.

He lit a cigarette as I did, "what's happening?"

"I think I wanna take Harry somewhere," I said, "but I can't afford much at all."

"So, just ask Harry for the money," he shrugged, "he has it."

"I want it to be a surprise," I sighed, "I wanna plan it all for him."

"Well," he started, "I know someone who has a lot of money."

"I'm not selling myself to anyone," I pointed at him.

"No," he laughed, "Darren."

"What?" I asked through wide eyes, "I'm not going near that fucking bastard."

"Louis," he laughed, "stop. I meant we take it. I know where it's at in his house. Harry told me."

"What? You want to break in his house and steal his money?" I asked quieter.

"Can you think of a better way of getting back at the fucking wanker?" Zayn crossed his arms and smiled.

"But... how..."

"Harry still has a key," he grinned, "come on, the guy fucking deserves it after what he has put him through."

"How do we get the key without Harry knowing?" I asked.

"We don't, we tell him what we're doing," he shrugged, "cause Harry knows his house inside and out."

"He'd know I was doing it for him," I said, "no, I don't want him knowing."

"I can make this look like a complete break in... so can Harry. I say we tell him because he's brilliant at it."

"I..." I stopped to think for a few seconds, Harry in bed covered in bruises popping into my head, "alright, Malik. Let's fucking do it. Harry deserves it."

"Brilliant," he grinned, "I know exactly what to tell him. I can convince him Darren has something on him... that he's black mailing him.... Harry will break in that house in a fucking heart beat."

"Like what?" I asked confused, "what would he possibly black mail him with?"

"Drug deals or maybe a certain job he has on the down low that only a handful of people know about?" He asked quietly.

"He'd go to jail for that," I whispered.

"Precisely," he pointed at me, "we both would. Harry wouldn't let that happen to us."

"That's brilliant," I nodded a little.

"Thanks," he smiled, "and we'll have to do it when he's out late for classes. Thursdays and Tuesdays are the best."

"How do you know all this?"

"Harry," he replied, "he told me loads about the guy for fucking years. He told me everything except what he should've told me about him."

"Did you... that's a stupid question," I laughed a little.

"What?" Zayn looked at me.

"Did you 2 have a thing?" I asked seriously.

"Uh," he sort of laughed, "I wouldn't say that. We... we've always been better off friends. I mean, we've not dated no. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not into guys... unless it's Harry. I couldn't do that with anyone else... I don't know if that make sense."

"Makes sense," I laughed a little, "you're not exactly gay, you're just gay for Harry, as I'm sure a lot of straight guys are."

Zayn laughed a little and nodded, "yeah, exactly."

I nodded and exhaled my hit.

"Louis, Harry's never been in love like this," he said, "not until you. That's the truth. I noticed the way he looked at you immediately."

"I did, too," I smiled a little and thought back to that very moment in first class, "I've honestly never felt this way before him, either. And I'm really happy it's him."

"So am I," he nodded, "because he deserves you."

The balcony door opened and there was sleepy Harry, his hair a mess, "what time is it?"

"Uh, little after 6," Zayn answered looking at his phone, "you sleep well?"

"Yep, really needed it," he smiled at me, "hi, you."

"Hello, love," I smiled back. It was great seeing him in this mood, "how ya feeling? You alright?"

"Absolutely amazing," he sighed with a grin as he stretched and came out to the railing, "it's gorgeous here."

"What the fuck you on?" Zayn laughed.

"Just pills," he shrugged, "I took them to help with the pain."

"I think you took one too many," I joked and threw my arm around his waist, "so, you're feeling ok?"

"I'm fine," he nodded at me, "I promise."

"I'm happy you and Gemma are doing so well," I said smiling.

"Me too," he said, "now, I've just gotta explain all of this to mum."

"One step at a time, alright?" I squeezed his waist gently, "hey, Gem is cooking dinner... wanna help?"

"Yeah, I suppose," he smiled and we walked back inside. I sat on the counter top watching them smiling and laughing as they argued with one another. It was relieving to see him and his sister getting along again.

After dinner, Harry took a shower and strolled back into our room in his towel.

"Nice towel, love," I winked.

He grinned and closed the door, dropping the towel and looking at me, "what towel?"

I smiled and watched him sit down on the bed next to me, "this is quite nice, ya know... us staying here with your sister. I just hope we don't piss her off too much."

"Why would we?" He laughed and lay down next to me, throwing his hand across my stomach and gently rubbing it, his rings tickling me.

"Cause there's 5 guys in this little flat," I laughed, "that's a lot of laundry, dishes, and shitty toilets..."

Harry laughed and sighed, "well, true."

I pushed his wet curls back and kissed his forehead, "you sure you're alright, love? Is there anything I can do for you?"

"I'm good, Lou," he replied, "tell you what you can do... you can make love to me."

"Are you sure?" I whispered.

"Yes," he replied seriously, "please."

I nodded and leaned over to kiss him softly and he wasted no time in pulling me over on him almost.

I was straddled on top of him as he pushed me up and began kissing and nibbling down my neck. My hands went to his curls and gently pulled them while his tongue traced up my chest.

I pulled his face up to meet mine and kissed him, causing him to fall back on the bed until I was completely on top of him.

He was propping himself up on the headboard now as I dove deep into him, causing him to throw his head back and moan out. I pulled his neck to me by his hair and kissed and bit it gently while I thrusted into him.

I wrapped one hand around his cock and stroked him slowly while my eyes watched his face change into nothing but pure ecstasy. He kept mumbling my name out as I kept fucking him into that bed.

Harry was a sexual God to me... I had no other way of describing him in bed. It was like angels singing. He was a completely different guy. He was vulgar, he was wild; he was everything I could've wished for someone to be.

And for a few minutes, I helped him forget the reality that was surrounding him. The only reality in that room was me inside of him, him moaning my name out...


	16. Chapter 16

Louis Tomlinson

 

Someone knocked on the door after we had cleaned up.

"Yeah," Harry called.

"Hey, it's Zayn, we gotta talk," he mumbled.

I looked at Harry while he got up and threw his boxers on to open the door.

"Come in," he told Zayn and shut the door back.

"Uh, Darren is trying to blackmail me," he started turning to me, "says he has proof of shit on his computer..."

"What?" Harry asked, his mood completely changing, "he told you that?"

Zayn nodded and looked very convincing, "yeah. Look, here's what I say we do... we break in and steal the computer... and we make it look like a robbery."

"You want to break in his house and take his computer?" Harry asked, "are you out of your mind?"

"Harry, you both could go to jail," I spoke up, Zayn turning to me, "I wouldn't take that lightly."

"He wouldn't do that," Harry sighed, "he's spent so much time protecting me."

"Harry, he's pulling this card in order to get to you," I started, "if you fall through he gets what he wants... if you turn him down, he ruins the rest of your fucking life because he thinks you ruined his."

Harry stared at me for a long pause, "I don't think he'd do that. I'm telling you, I know him."

"He wouldn't want to turn you in? Oh, you're right. It'd be me cause he's never liked me," Zayn said seriously, "he'd get rid of me in a heartbeat by trying to get to you."

I had to hand it to Zayn. He had a comeback for everything Harry had to say. He knew what he was doing; he did it really well.

"You're right," Harry sighed and hugged Zayn, "sorry."

"It's fine," Zayn's face softened loads and I thought for a moment I could see him feeling guilty for what he had just done.

"Alright, I'm in," Harry nodded, "anything to keep you safe."

Zayn smiled a little and I could definitely say he was feeling guilty now.

"How do we do it?" I asked.

"I have a key," Harry shrugged.

"You don't say," I said sarcastically and smiled at Zayn, "so, should we like let ourselves in and make it look like a robbery?"

"I say yes," Zayn turned to Harry, "keeps you off the hook. If you don't, he'll pin it on you easily... or maybe me."

I was trying not to snicker now at his remarks.

"Alright," Harry nodded slowly, "let's do it. We can get Liam and Niall to be look outs. They can sit at the parking garage he's always parked in."

"Brilliant idea," I said, "and I'm taking it you two boys know how to stage a break in?"

Harry exchanged looks with Zayn and Zayn just shook his head... what the hell?

"I was only joking," I tried to laugh, but their faces had completely changed, "look, I'll help any way I can."

"Good," Harry finally spoke again, "I'll unlock the door, we'll go in and steal the computer..."

"And his money," Zayn interrupted.

"What? You really wanna take his money?" Harry asked sounding shocked that Zayn had even suggested that.

"Yeah, I do," Zayn started as his voice grew louder, "and if you can't look in the fucking mirror, Harry, and tell yourself he deserves it, you're insane."

"Woah, woah," I started, "settle down now, Jesus. We have to steal the money... otherwise it's not going to look like a complete break in."

Harry shook his head, "fine. Alright. We'll take whatever is valuable."

"Sounds like a plan," Zayn nodded, "so, Tuesday night?"

"Sure," Harry nodded a little. He looked so unsure of this. And I knew he was. Harry wasn't about revenge... with anyone.

Tuesday evening came around and we were driving to Darren's flat in Peckham. Niall and Liam were still parked in the garage close to his car.

"Pull off up here," Harry pointed to the street behind the flats.

Zayn parked the car where there were no street lights and then handed our ski masks to us, "alright, we've got about 45 minutes. You ready?"

Harry looked out the window at the flat we were sitting behind, "let's fucking do this."

We stepped out and crept quietly to the back garden. Harry pulled out his key while Zayn and I kept an eye out for any witnesses.

"He doesn't have an alarm now, right?" Zayn whispered.

"No," Harry snorted, "pretty ridiculous on his part."

We stepped inside as Harry closed the door quietly and threw us all flash lights.

"Wow. He lives here? I figured since you had the mansion he'd have something a little fancy," I said as I looked around the living area.

Harry didn't say anything. He hurried upstairs and I followed. He stopped in the doorway of Darren's room.

"You alright?" I asked as I studied him.

"I'm... yeah. I just... I don't like this place," he mumbled and walked in slowly.

I shined my flash light around the room as Zayn came in.

"Laptop, Harry?" He asked.

"Drawer of his desk," Harry pointed.

I rummaged through drawers until I discovered one full of drugs, "holy shit."

Harry stepped over and looked, "yeah... where do you think I've gotten them from?"

I looked back at him as Zayn threw the laptop on the bed and then came to the drawer. He wasted no time in throwing everything into his back pack.

Harry wandered over to the closet and was running his hand down a shirt.

"Is now the time to be staring at clothes, darling?" I tried to joke with him, but he wouldn't smile. It suddenly dawned on me, "those are yours, aren't they?"

Harry glanced back at me but didn't say anything. He started digging through the bottom of the closet until he pulled out what looked like over £2500.

"Shit, where does that come from?" I asked in disbelief.

"Drug money," Harry mumbled and threw it in his bag.

"He sells them, too?" I asked.

"Yeah, surprising, eh?" Zayn said.

"Harry, take the shirts," I said sincerely, "look, they're name brand anyways. Take them."

Harry smiled a little and began pulling them out and I hurried downstairs to get a bag to throw them all in.

I found the bin bags and passed his fridge, a certain curly headed boy's smile catching my eye.

I shined my flashlight up and seen pictures of Harry... one in Milan, one in Paris...

"Need some help?" Zayn asked and came to stand beside me, his eyes going to the fridge immediately, "woah..."

"Where the hell did these come from?" I asked, "why does he have pictures of Harry like this?"

"Harry didn't go anywhere with him," Zayn started, "not that I knew... then again, he never told me where he was going."

"What's the hold up?" Harry asked while he walked over. His eyes looked at the fridge, then back at me, "he's got pictures of me?"

"You didn't give them to him?" I asked without snapping at him.

"What? No," Harry said loudly, "are you fucking serious? I wouldn't give him pictures. I didn't go to those places with him."

"So, he steals photos too?" I asked.

"You can't be serious," Harry said loudly, "I didn't give them to him, Lou! I have no fucking clue how he got them."

"Would you stop," Zayn looked up from his phone, "Niall said he left."

"Shit," I hurried with the bag back to the room and Harry stuffed them all in while Zayn made the downstairs look like a crime scene.

Harry sat the back pack down, picked up the lamp next to his table, then threw it. He tossed over his desk in the corner and then stopped at the mirror and stared into it.

"We need to go..." I started saying but was cut off by Harry's fist slamming through the mirror, "what the fuck?! Why did you do that?"

"Let's go," Harry mumbled holding his right hand. I was pretty certain he was bleeding under the glove.

We stopped at the back door and looked around at our work... it definitely looked like a break in when we were finished.

We stepped outside while Harry broke the bottom glass of the door to make it look like that's how it was broken into. Then, we took the bags and hurried up the street back to Zayn's car.

"Go, go," I said as Zayn left with the lights off.

"Pull up about 2 streets," Harry said from the back seat.

"Why?" I asked.

"Cause if we don't we'll pass him," Harry replied.

"What if he doesn't come straight here?" Zayn asked.

"Wanna take that chance?" Harry asked.

"No," Zayn sighed in defeat and turned off onto a dark street, our car hidden by the bushes.

"So, now we just wait?" I asked and lit a cigarette.

"Yeah, they're tailing him," Zayn replied.

"What?" Harry asked, "what if he sees them?"

"Relax," Zayn said, "they're a few cars back, Harry."

Harry sighed and took his glove off and looked his hand over, "why did you do that?"

"I felt like it," he mumbled back.

"Don't get pissy with me," I snapped at him. "Why are you?"

"Because you took one look at those photos and started wondering again," he replied quickly.

"I... I didn't mean to..."

"You really think we had a relationship, don't you?" Harry asked me, "tell me the truth."

"No, I didn't say that," I sighed.

"There wasn't a relationship," Harry said loudly.

"Calm down," Zayn called back at him.

"No, I'm not," he yelled back, "I'm not. I can't fucking stand this. You really think I had a relationship with him."

"No, alright?" I yelled back, "ok, yeah it crossed my mind forever ago but I do trust you, Harry."

"Do you?" He asked quieter. He shook his head and stepped out of the car.

"Harry," Zayn got out quickly, "you can't walk in this neighborhood. You know that."

"I can take care of myself," Harry shouted back as I got out, "alright? You all think I'm incapable of doing it because I've done this shit to myself! But I DID choose it after all. I chose to give into him, I chose to accept what he gave me. And now that I want the fucker off my back I'm still being questioned."

"I'm sorry," I stepped in, "Harry, I love you. I do trust you."

He pulled the ski mask all the way off and put it in my hand, "go back to Gemma's."

"Harry, come on, don't do this," Zayn said lowly, "you two love each other. And he does trust you."

"You know what, Zayn?" He turned around, "I don't know who even trusts me anymore. Darren was right about me... I'm nothing but a slut, alright? That's the story of my life. After everything I've done, lying to everyone I've been close to, I can't blame anyone for not trusting my word."

"You're not going anywhere," I said as I stepped in front of him directly, "if I didn't love you, do you think I'd still be here?"

Harry bit his lip and looked away while Zayn kept shifting nervously, "Harry, you can't walk from here. Get in the car, please."

I stepped in and hugged Harry, hoping he wouldn't push me away. And he didn't thankfully. His arms went around me and he completely eased at my embrace.

"Shit," I heard Zayn mumble. He was looking down the street.

I turned to see 4 guys walking our way.  
"Who are they?"

"They're a bunch of assholes," Zayn replied, "used to work with them... in drugs."

"Look who it is," one of them laughed.

"Mark, leave us alone," Harry spoke up first.

"Styles, you look like complete shit," Mark smirked, "wow, who got a hold of you this time?"

"None of your business," Zayn replied, "look, get out of here. We're not bothering anyone."

"You're on our street," Mark said and stared at Harry, "shouldn't you be back at that fancy mansion of yours, Styles?"

Harry kept his eyes on him, "I don't think you can determine where I should be."

"What'd you say to me, faggot?" Mark almost shouted as he stepped closer.

"Hey," I yelled, "leave him the fuck alone."

Mark looked at me and laughed, "is this the new one? Wow, Styles your taste went downhill..."

His words were cut short as Harry slammed his fist in his face. This had just gotten worse.

The other 3 wasted no time charging and Zayn stopped 2 of them before they could even reach Harry and Mark. They were going straight for him, not us... I wasn't sure why.

Harry had Mark pinned to the ground while Zayn shoved off 2 of the guys, "Harry, stop!"

"Stop," I told him as he finally looked back at me.

"Don't ever say a bad word about him," Harry said lowly as he let go of Mark and stood up to wipe his mouth off.

"Get in the car now," Zayn whispered, "this is going to get even worse if we don't leave now."

I nodded and hurried to the car, pulling Harry away from Mark and getting him in.

Zayn started the engine and we sped out quickly. I turned to see Harry pulling off his black sweat shirt and wiping his face slowly.

"Who the hell were they?" I looked at Zayn.

"A group of guys we used to be a part of," Zayn replied, "we sold with them while we lived in the dorms."

"And they hate you now, why?"

Zayn glanced back at Harry in the mirror, "Harry can explain that."

Harry took a deep breath as he stared out the window, "they hate me cause I'm gay. They hate Zayn for defending me..."

"What?" I asked, "you're joking..."

"He's not," Zayn replied in a low tone, "there was another guy..."

"Zayn," Harry started.

I glanced back at Harry, then Zayn, "tell me."

"There was another guy in the group," Zayn started again, "he and Harry... they were friends. I mean, we were all friends with Harry and Jeff. They had a secret relationship..."

"That's who I went to Paris with," Harry spoke up, not looking at me, "they found out about us and a guy named Calvin... he..."

"He was killed, Louis," Zayn sighed.

I sat there in shock, "they killed him because he was gay?"

"They called it a hate crime," Harry replied quietly, "Calvin was sentenced to prison, even though they were all in on it."

"Were you there?" I asked them both.

Zayn shook his head but Harry closed his eyes. "I was there. But I got away. He... he told me to go and not look back."

I sat there speechless after hearing this. How did I not know about this part?

We arrived back at Gemma's a few moments later, no one saying nothing. Liam opened the door for us and looked at us surprised.

"What happened to you lads?"

"We got in a fight," Zayn mumbled, "those fuckers from Peckham."

"You ran into them?" Liam asked looking from Zayn to Harry.

Harry immediately went to the bedroom and closed the door.

"Why didn't he tell me about this?" I asked them, "he watched someone die because he was gay... why didn't he fucking tell me?"

"Louis," Zayn sighed, "there's a lot Harry doesn't like to remember, alright? He doesn't keep shit from you on purpose. He purposefully tries to pretend it didn't happen."

"That's half his fucking problem," I muttered and went in the bathroom.

I wasn't sure I was angry; mostly I was just upset. I didn't want to be angry... he already thought I didn't trust him. So, I pushed my feelings aside, grabbed and wet cloth for him and then knocked on the door.

"Haz, can I come in?"

"Yeah," I heard him say.

I opened the door and he was seated in the balcony doorway in fresh clothes, his hair pulled back.

"I brought you this," I started as I walked over to him. I leaned down and he took the cloth, "may want to get the brow doctored. Looks like it's cut deep."

"I'll be fine," he mumbled.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked as I sat down next to him.

He turned back to me, "no, Lou. I'm not mad. I wasn't mad."

"Ok," I whispered and lit a cigarette, "Harry, I'm really, really sorry. I wasn't meaning to question you. I didn't think the guy could stoop much lower."

"It's alright," he whispered, "I get it if you question shit. Lou, hell, I know I would too. I mean, you found out about all of that and you probably think I kept it from you on purpose."

"I don't," I stated confidently, his eyes glancing back at me, "I don't think you keep anything from me on purpose. I think that you've been through so much hell and you've never truly cared for someone so you don't know what bits and pieces of your life to share with them. You're afraid they'll hurt you, just like the rest do."

Harry leaned back against the door as he stared at me, "guess you do understand."

"Yeah, well," I shrugged, "I love you, Harry. And I trust you. I hope you trust me enough to know that I'm not going to let you down like everyone else."

Harry grinned at me, "I love you, too. You're so sweet sometimes."

"Yeah, well, those moments are quite rare," I replied smiling.

"Not with me," he grinned at me.

"You're correct," I sighed defeated, "I'm completely whooped for you."

Harry giggled a little and sighed, "you want me to explain it to you yet?"

"Only if you want," I replied.

He threw out the cigarette and stood up, "let me get some drinks. This could take a while."


	17. Chapter 17

Louis Tomlinson

 

 

  
I got up and followed Harry into the kitchen and he started rummaging through Gemma's cabinets.

"Heard you took down Mark," Liam spoke up to Harry, "that's incredible."

"He's not that good," Harry shrugged.

"Harry's really brilliant," I told Liam, "I've never seen someone react so fast. You as well, Zayn."

Zayn smiled up at Harry, "we used to be the best at what we did."

Harry didn't say anything else. Rather, he found a bottle of wine and went straight back to the bedroom. I followed him slowly and closed the door back while Harry was throwing a blanket over the balcony.

He got up and started looking through his bags next.

"Can I help you?" I asked.

"I wanted a sweatshirt," he mumbled.

"Oh," I got my bag and found the green hoodie from Doncaster, "here."

"You brought that back?" He asked smiling.

"Yeah, well, it looks amazing on you," I grinned at him.

He smiled and threw it on quickly while I began changing into some of my sweats.

He was seated on the balcony now up against the railing as I sat down next to him.

"You're like a walking Adidas ad," he smirked at me.

"Nah, you're a lot better model than me," I nudged his arm and smiled while I lit my cigarette.

He grinned a little and chugged down the wine before handing it to me, "it's really nice here."

I looked around the busy streets and the buildings up and down, the cloudy skies above, "it is. She lives in a great part of London. You can see The London Eye so well."

Harry stared over at it, the lights blazing out in all directions, "you ever been on it?"

"Actually, no. Have thought about it but I haven't been in London long."

"It's breathtaking," he smiled a little, "you can see all of London from there... it's especially gorgeous at night time."

"You'll have to take me sometime," I smiled.

He nodded and grinned, "I'd love that, yeah."

"We could have a date... a real date," I said, "I mean, we haven't really had a proper one yet, have we?"

"No," he laughed, "we haven't. So, are you asking me out, Mr Tomlinson?"

"I am," I nodded, gently touching his leg, "I'd love to take you out somewhere, love."

He grinned, his dimples showing, "alright. What should I wear?"

I laughed as he giggled a little and kissed my cheek.

He lit a joint as I passed the wine back to him. He was looking down at his hands.

"We don't have to talk about it," I started.

"No, we do," he looked back at me, "I mean, you have every right to know it all."

I nodded a little and watched him biting his lip gently.

"When I started here," he said slowly, "Zayn and I were in the same dorm... they became friends, him and Calvin. Calvin was sorta the leader of the gang..."

I watched Harry take a long hit before exhaling it and trying to continue.

"We had this flat on the street we were on tonight," he sighed, "and Zayn and I stayed there a lot. We did horrible things, Lou... we didn't just sell drugs... we were responsible for fights and break ins..."

"So, that's why you 2 are so well at it," I said, Harry turning to me, "seems you did a decent job tonight."

"Yeah, well, Zayn was one of the best," he said as he exhaled his hit, "Jeff became one of my best friends..."

He stopped again and closed his eyes, but smiled, "he was amazing. We'd go and do this or that and take the money we had and go off together. He took me to Paris one Christmas... we had so much fun. But as we got closer, Calvin became suspicious of us. We tried to keep it out of sight... because we watched them beat up a guy for being gay."

"Wow,"I whispered, "I can't believe fucking idiots like that still exist."

"They do," he nodded. He closed his eyes and sighed, "one of the guys caught us... Jeff confronted him. I... I tried to call Zayn because I was sure we were gonna die. I still to this day don't know what the fucker was even doing there. We had no idea how they found us."

"How'd you escape?" I asked as I rubbed his back gently.

I watched a tear fall down his cheek, "I... I got away from the guy when they came in... Jeff told me to just leave. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't. But he told me to go... that it wasn't my fault. So, I left..."

I hugged him tight as he cried quietly into my shoulder, "it wasn't your fault."

"I couldn't help him," he sighed, "I wanted to but he wouldn't let me. And I knew he was just trying to protect me..."

"He did," I said quickly as I put my hands against his cheeks, "because of him you're still here. And you know what? I'm thankful for that. Because I love you and now, I can't imagine a world without you, Haz. There isn't one without you."

He bit his lip, tears spilling, "there isn't one without you either. And I'll never let that happen to you. I'll die before they take you from me."

"It won't ever come to that," I assured him, "alright? I will never let anything happen to you, either."

He nodded and sighed as he sat back again, breathing a little slower.

"So, where did you go?" I asked.

"I... I called Darren," he replied looking up at the sky, "I went to his place since it wasn't so far away. I was a wreck, I couldn't focus..."

"And Zayn?"

"He stayed with Liam that night," he replied.

"Was this when you got the house?" I asked curiously. It's the only thing that made sense now.

He glanced back, "uh, yeah. He and I discussed it... he wanted me in a safer place. So, yeah, I agreed. That night, though, I didn't sleep at all. Darren said he was gonna call the police but I asked him not to... that I didn't want to be linked to that, although I ended up being.."

"Why wasn't anyone else charged?"

"His DNA was the only one found on him," Harry replied quietly, "I even testified against him."

"You what?" I asked through wide eyes, "Harry, you testified against the leader of that gang?"

He nodded and turned to me, "I'm not afraid of them, Lou. And Calvin himself said we were the best he had..."

"So, that's why you moved to that neighborhood," I started, "a gated, secure community."

He nodded, "Darren may be an asshole but he protected me. He made sure he protected me over and over."

"I don't understand how he could protect you like that, yet still treats you the way he does," I sighed in frustration, "someone who helped you out of that situation, yet has continually put you in situations you didn't fucking want."

Harry sniffed and kept his eyes on his hands, "he protected me because he claims he loves me."

I turned back to him, "what?! Someone who loves you doesn't beat the shit out of you, or take advantage of you because you're fucking high, or bribe you with things to spend time with them... That's not love, that's obsession. He's fucking obsessed."

"I get that," he nodded, "I get that now. I knew it all along, Lou... But I didn't do anything about it."

"Well, you finally did," I whispered and put my arm around his waist, "what was Jeff like? Did you love him?"

Harry looked back up at me, "I don't think I 'loved' him. I told you, I've never loved anyone."

I smiled a little, "yeah, I know. And I believe you, love. He was special to you though, I know. And I'm sorry you lost him."

He nodded a little as he stared at me, "so am I. But either way... you're who I would've chosen even if he was still around. I'd choose you. I'll always choose you."

I grinned at him feeling overwhelmed with my emotions all of a sudden. Fuck, this pretty boy and his beautiful smile.

"I'll always choose you, too," I said back quietly and pulled him closer.

We lay in bed a few minutes later after another round of passion and Harry had his head on my stomach laughing and reminiscing about old times.

"We got drunk one night and went out to get tattoos," he giggled, "was fucking funny when we woke up the next day. But I remember after the tattoos, we ran off to the park and lay in the grass in the pouring rain. Was insane."

I smiled as I thought about Harry and I at the park that night, "is that why you like the rain so much? Cause it makes you feel free?"

Harry glanced back at me, "yeah, I suppose so. I like to take little moments in time and actually cherish them. Like the rain, for example. I feel like if we're not truly enjoying every minute of our lives, we're not truly grateful for them."

I nodded, "wow. Great perspective on it actually."

Harry smiled a little, "I'm a carefree person, you've learned that by now."

"I have," I laughed a little, "you're one of the most carefree people I've ever known. And I'm guessing you weren't always this way... cause you do have a shy side."

"I have a shy side?" He looked back at me, "how could I when I spoke to you on your first day."

"No, you're definitely friendly with everyone," I smirked.

"Jesus," Harry sighed but smiled.

"Sorry," I snickered and ran my fingers through his hair, "but, yeah, when it comes to feelings, or really anything that makes you feel... you tend to almost shut yourself in."

"I've always been bad about that," he sighed, "well, I didn't used to be this carefree anyways. Lot of things made me like this... like the fact that I can only change so much... I don't tend to stress over things how I used to because I determine whether or not it's even worth stressing over."

"So, did you use to be shy?" I asked curiously.

"Not shy," he thought out loud, "more like reserved. I was really unsure of myself when I was about 16... stayed that way till nearly 18 before I finally kind of started not caring. I do care, but I don't worry about simple things now."

"You're amazing," I smiled down at him, "I feel like you're an old soul in a young body."

Harry chuckled a little, "I probably am. I was meant to be born in the 60s... could've done peace walks and demonstrations."

I grinned at this idiot like he was responsible for hanging the stars in the sky. I didn't care. Harry Styles had this weird way of bringing a smile to your face, no matter what he was talking about.

"I'm sorry you lost a friend," I said quieter, "I know he must've meant a lot to you."

"He... he made me feel alive," Harry whispered, "but not in this way."

"What way is that exactly?" I asked smiling.

"Whatever there is between us," he started as he stared at me, "I don't know where this came from.... I can't recall ever feeling like this. Why are you so different?"

I sat back against the pillow, keeping my eyes on him while he looked to be studying me.

"Maybe because once you find the person you're meant to, everything falls into place," I said softly.

His grin grew wider and his dimples shown, "like once you find your soul mate, you sort of connect?"

I nodded a little, "yeah, I suppose so."

"Are you my soul mate?" He asked smiling up at me.

"I... I don't know," I laughed a little, "I care about you, you know that."

He kept grinning, "you know what? I think we would've met at some point in our lives... you and me. We would've. I have a feeling we would've crossed paths... maybe when we were older and wiser? And maybe we'd see each other on the street and be like, 'wow'."

I chuckled a little, "or perhaps the past so we could've known each other longer?"

"That'd be nice," Harry nodded, "we'd probably be married by now."

I laughed as he grinned up at me, "you're probably correct. I'm not much of a marriage person myself... I don't know though. You have me wrapped around your finger... it'd be hard to turn you down."

Harry smiled and lay down next to me, his hand running down my cheek, "I like you being wrapped around my finger."

"I bloody love it, too or else I wouldn't be," I smirked.

Harry grinned again and threw his arm over my stomach before he cuddled up into my neck.

"I love you," I whispered to him.

I felt his face change into a grin again as he whispered back, "love you, Lou."


	18. Chapter 18

Louis Tomlinson 

 

I woke up the next morning to a knock on the bedroom door. I shifted out from under Harry's legs gently and threw on my boxers, Harry still snoring away.

"Yeah?" I whispered and opened the door to see Zayn.

"Come here, "he said quietly. I followed him back to the living room and the news was on. They were reporting on the robbery.

"Ohhhh, nice," I mumbled, crossing my arms and watching it. Then, I heard them mentioning a gang from Peckham saying they thought they were to blame for it. "What the fuck?"

"Yep," Zayn nodded slowly, "they're being questioned."

"That's good or bad?" I asked.

"Uh, I'm not sure," Zayn sighed. 

"Harry said they knew that Darren bought him the house," I said quietly looking at him.

Zayn turned to me surprised, "what?"

I nodded, "yeah, said they found out he had protected him."

"Oh, that's just fucking grand," Zayn mumbled lowly. "They fucking seen us there. They could easily point this to us."

I stayed quiet and turned my attention back to the tv. They began mentioning Calvin and his charge back in June of 2013... then, they showed Jeff on the screen. He was actually quite handsome. And for some reason, I could see Harry in his smile.

"He was a great friend," Zayn whispered.

"Harry said he was amazing," I said softly, "he talked about all the things they used to do."

Zayn nodded a little, breaking his eyes away from the tv, "they were inseparable from the beginning."

"I'm guessing you knew him well, too?" I asked him.

"I did, yeah," he replied and picked up his cigarettes. I followed him out on the balcony while he passed them to me.

"Louis," he started while he glanced off down the street, "when I first met you, and I seen Harry looking at you like he did... it reminded me of them. Don't take that the wrong way..."

"No," I shook my head.

"Let me explain this better," Zayn sighed, "you didn't remind me of Jeff... I mean, yeah, your personalities are similar. Harry loves you... he loves you like he's never loved anyone. This goes beyond Jeff... I've never seen him look at someone like he does you. I knew you were special to him."

I smiled as he went on.

"You're all I've heard about. Harry is finally happy like he used to be, except even more. He cared about Jeff a lot, but I don't think he realized what love was until he met you."

I grinned even more as I stared off, "he means a lot to me."

"I know he does," he nodded slowly, "and I'm glad it's you."

"So," I started, "what happens if Mark and the others tell it was us?"

"There's no evidence in that flat that points to them," Zayn started explaining, "they know they'll get off easy... and they take care of things away from the police."

"So, you're telling me they'll look for us," I said, "cause they know it was us?"

"We had on everything that matches a burglary," he sighed, "yeah, they'll know, if the gits know Darren bought the fucking house for Harry. It only makes sense..."

"They're gonna think we set them up," I almost exclaimed.

Zayn pointed at me, "glad you caught that."

"Fuck," I said, "they're not coming after Harry. Fuck, no. I will fucking kill them."

"Look, as long as we don't go there or anywhere near there, we'll be fine," he said seriously, "they can't get in where they believe Harry is. And they won't start trouble up here in the middle of London... we don't go looking for trouble, we won't find it."

I nodded a little, "what... what happens if we do find it?"

He finished off his cigarette and sighed out the hit, "we protect Harry."

I bit my lip as I hit mine and stood there lost in my own thoughts. I wasn't letting him go anywhere alone. I wouldn't risk anything happening to him.

"You lads are up early," I heard Liam from the doorway.

"Yeah, uh..."

"The news," Zayn interrupted me and remained calm, "they've taken in Calvin's guys for questioning. For the robbery."

Liam's eyes grew wide, "what?"

"Yeah, and apparently they also know Johnson bought the fucking house for Harry," Zayn said irritably, "and they saw us..."

"What the hell are we going to do?" Liam asked looking from Zayn to me.

"We should be fine... I don't think they'd come looking for us... They think Harry still lives in the fucking mansion," Zayn said lowly.

"Those bastards are after you?" I heard Niall speak up.

"We don't know," I replied, "but, yeah, we kinda suspect they will be."

"They ran into you 3 streets up," Niall said, "they're gonna know..."

"We know," Zayn and I replied together.

"We need to get Harry away from here," Liam spoke up.

"That's gonna look fucking suspicious, Payno," I started, "him leaving so close to the burglary of his abuser's home."

"No one knows about him and Darren but us," Liam looked back, "surely, none of Darren's neighbors know..."

"Really?" Zayn turned to him, "if this 20 year old kid is coming to a nearly 40 year old professor's flat every other fucking night, what do you think his neighbors think they're doing?"

"Do they know Harry?" I asked quietly, "like know his name and all?"

"That's a question for Harry," Zayn sighed, "I wouldn't know... I didn't even know they knew it was Darren's place."

"They're out to get him for testifying against Calvin, aren't they?" I almost whispered.

"Mostly," Zayn nodded, "and he was there when Jeff was murdered. They want Harry dead just as much as they wanted Jeff dead."

"What do we do?" Niall asked.

"We lay low," Zayn answered, "I know them... yeah, they're gonna look for Harry... but they may also look for someone else."

All eyes turned to me and I bit my lip again, "so, they're gonna look for me, too?"

Zayn nodded slowly, "I have no doubt they will... and they'll start with the university..."

"Which they'll think I live in the dorms," I said.

"For now," he nodded, "they always find out shit.... it's only a matter of time before they realize where Harry is."

The balcony door opened again and there stood Harry, his hair a complete mess like always and in nothing but his light blue boxers. We all looked over at him while he pushed his hair back and looked directly at me.

"What's going on? Did I miss something? Like my death sentence?" He joked.

I looked at Zayn, who looked back at me, "they took in Mark and the guys for questioning."

Harry's small smile was gone as he looked at me in disbelief, "what?"

"Harry, look, we should just lay low," Zayn started.

"They're gonna think I set them up," Harry shouted, "they're going to fucking think I called the police and told them."

"Calm down," Zayn said loudly, "nothing is gonna happen to you."

"We can't just sit here," Niall spoke up, "if they find out shit quick, we're sitting  ducks here."

"What about Gemma?" I asked, "if we leave..."

"We leave, she'll be fine," Harry replied, "they won't bother her unless she's trying to protect me. We've got to leave."

"Harry, if we do, it's going to look odd..."

"I don't fucking care," Harry yelled over Zayn, "nothing will happen to my sister... or Lou."

"They're after you," I whispered.

"yeah," he nodded, "but they'll take you away, too. And they won't even hesitate."

I grabbed him and pulled him to me, "nothing's gonna happen to me, love. And nothing will happen to you."

"I hope you're right," he whispered, then looked back at Zayn, "we should just leave for a couple of days. But they're not going to forget about me. No matter how long we stay gone, they're gonna try to find me."

"I know that," Zayn sounded annoyed, "don't you think I remember how this works, Harry? We used to do this to innocent punks... I fucking remember."

"Yeah, well, now I'm that punk," Harry said quieter, "and they'll find me eventually. The safest place to be is..."

"No!" Zayn shouted at him, "we are NOT going back to Darren's... What do you think will happen?! He'll fucking do what he's always done to you!"

"Then, where else?" Harry shouted back.

"Uh, let's take this inside," Liam whispered looking at the surrounding balconies. There were several people watching this conversation.

Everyone piled back in, me holding Harry by his waist as I whispered comfort to him, though I knew it probably wasn't going to help.

"They're at the police station now," Zayn crossed his arms, "so, let's come up with a plan."

"Ireland," Niall spoke up immediately.

Liam, Zayn, Harry, and I all exchanged looks. Sounded brilliant to me... not too far away.

"Not a bad idea," Liam nodded, "but if I'm going to Ireland, I'm taking Sophia."

"Liam," Harry started, "this isn't your fight... you don't have to go. They won't even bother you, or Niall. You had nothing to do with them."

"Yeah, but we won't sit here while you 3 run off," Niall said seriously, "you're like my brother, Harry. And I will fight for you like you are."

Harry smiled a little as Niall hugged him, "thanks, man."

"He's right," Liam said, "we are brothers. And we will help you."

Harry hugged him Liam next, "I'm really grateful to have you. Thank you."

Liam let him go and gently rubbed the back of his neck, "you've been through enough shit. You're not gonna lose us when you need us the most."

"So, Ireland," I started, "where?"

"well, we can stay with my family in Mullingar, or we can go to Dublin," he shrugged, "I have some friends up there. They'd have a place for us to stay."

"Sounds lovely," I smiled, "I've never been."

"I have. It's gorgeous," Harry turned to me, "it's beautiful in the winter time."

"You've been?" I asked.

"Yeah, he went with me for New Years," Niall nodded.

"Darren wanted me to spend it with him," Harry mumbled, "I... I went with Niall to avoid him."

"What do we tell Gem?" Zayn asked.

"I... I don't want to lie to her," Harry sighed, "I'll explain it to her. She's going to hate me."

"She won't hate you," I stepped over and put my arm around his waist, "look, don't tell her right now. Just tell her to be careful."

"They think we're still in Darren's house," Zayn said, "would've been nice to know they knew it was his house, Harry."

"I... I didn't think that was important," Harry said quietly, "I really didn't think it'd ever matter... I was wrong again."

"Yeah, well, we're sort of fucked now, since they do know," Zayn said lowly. "Look, don't tell Gemma yet, alright? Let's just pack and get the hell out of here for a week or so."

"What happens if we return and they're on our asses?" Niall asked looking from Zayn to Harry.

"We figure that out later," Zayn replied looking at Harry.

"You sure we should just leave?" Liam asked.

"I... I think it's best," Zayn nodded, "Harry?"

Harry crossed his arms and sighed, "let's go for a few days. I like the sound of Ireland again."

Niall smiled and nodded while Harry hurried off to our bedroom. I followed him slowly and watched him pulling out clothes from his bag.

"You alright, love?" I asked.

"I'm good," he replied, "so, Ireland..."

I smiled a little as I watched him, "sounds lovely to me... country side, waking up to the sunrise with you every morning."

Harry smiled up at me, "you can always turn something bad into something that sounds amazing, you know."

"Can I?" I smirked a little and gathered up my own clothes, "need some help in that shower?"

"Uh, I'll manage,". He grinned, "but you can join me if you like."

"I'd like to very much," I smiled and kissed him gently, "shall we?"

He grinned and stood in the doorway, "lead the way, love."

Zayn was making arrangements for our flights, Niall was on the phone with his friends back home, and Liam was doing his best to talk Sophia into going. While Harry and I... well, we just blocked out the shit storm that was swirling all around us for the few moments of bliss in the shower. He was smiling and laughing... I couldn't have asked for anything else.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a scene between Harry/Darren. Just a warning.

Harry Styles

 

"What do we do with his things?" Zayn was asking me while I finished packing up 2 suitcases. 3 pair of boots for a few days, I'd survive.

"I say we stash it in the closet," I pointed over, "she won't look in here. She won't go through our things."

"Yeah, but all of that other stuff?" He asked lower. I looked back up at him, "should we really leave all of that here?"

"Do you have a better place?" I asked him.

He shrugged a little, "I can find someone who can take it."

"Ok, well, that's fine with me," I replied and continued folding shirts.

"What are you planning on telling Gemma?" He asked quietly.

"Uh, that we're gonna take a holiday to Ireland," I shrugged, "she'll believe it."

"When's Liam and Louis getting back with the bloody food?" Niall yelled from the sofa.

"Patience, fuck," Zayn mumbled back to him. I just smiled and finished packing. "Do you think the bastard's gonna know it was you, Harry?"

I looked up from my suitcase, "I... I don't know. I'm doubting it, to be honest. He wouldn't.. he'd never think I was capable of that."

"Has he contacted you?"

I stared down at my suitcase again, doing my best to lie, "not yet."

Zayn nodded a little, "alright... well, look, if you need to talk, I'm here, alright?"

"Thank you," I said softly, "Zayn... I know I've never thanked you for always being here for me. So, thanks, man. I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth about everything."

"Did you like him?" He asked crossing his arms, "be truthful."

"I... I don't know," I sighed, "I... I just liked the things he gave me. And the company. I didn't 'like' him, I guess. I just sorta... got caught up in him, if that even makes sense."

"I got it," he nodded, "but if you didn't care, why'd you keep him around? Don't get pissed at me for asking..."

"I'm not," I mumbled, "don't... don't repeat this to Lou..."

Zayn shook his head, "never."

I bit my lip and exhaled slowly, "I... I was infatuated with him. And he knew it. I told him I was. That... that sorta set the stage for his behavior. When I tried to be just friends, it didn't go over well. So, I gave in to him. Wasn't that hard to... I mean, I used to enjoy it. But that all changed..."

"Cause of Louis?"

I nodded a little, "cause of Louis, cause of a lot of things... But, truth is, yeah, I hate what he's put me through, but... I don't know if I want him out of my life fully..." 

"Are you fucking crazy?" Zayn raised his voice.

"Oi, what's going on?" Niall spoke up.

"Nothing,"I yelled back and went back to folding shirts to put in my suitcase, Zayn's eyes still burning on me.

"Harry, how?"

"I... I don't expect you to get it," I mumbled, "just... don't say anything."

"Alright," he whispered, "but you're fucking insane. This guy is a fucking stalker and has attacked you so many times... yet, you're still saying you want him in your life."

I kept my eyes down as I heard Liam and Louis laughing from the front door. I looked back up at Zayn and all I saw was disappointment... not that I blamed him. I was disappointed in myself.

How could I even admit that? Who falls for their captor, the person who has held them hostage for years? He was right. I was insane. I knew better. Yet, part of me didn't want to let that part of my life go.

Why?

"You're quiet," Louis said to me while we ate dinner that night sitting in Gemma's living room. She was out with friends while we ate Chinese.

We were all discussing our flight to Ireland the next afternoon and I wasn't saying much at all.

"Uh," I looked up from my food, Zayn seated next to Lou and staring at me, "sorry, just thinking."

"You alright?" Louis asked.

"I'm fine," I forced a smile, "just need some sleep."

"Then, go to bed," he grinned, "big day tomorrow anyways."

I nodded and smiled a little and put up the rest of my food. I hadn't been in the mood to eat at all.

I lay in bed a few hours later wishing I could sleep. I got up and grabbed my box and sat in the floor shooting up the vial of happiness in my arm.

Everything ceased to matter as much.

Louis was out snoring on the bed above me, the others were asleep, and yet, I just couldn't. My mind was in too many places.

My phone buzzed from the dresser. I got up slowly and looked down at it. I knew it would be from Darren.

"Can I talk to you please?"

I sighed and pushed my hair back while I wrote back, "what?"

I went to the kitchen quietly and grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge, Niall snoring loudly from the love seat. I turned it up and started gulping it down until Darren had texted me back. 

"Can I see you? I have to talk to you. Cal's gang broke into my house."

I stared at that message... did I say yes? I downed more of the wine and quickly went to the bedroom to slip on my clothes. I had to play it off like I didn't know about the break in, though. That was ok, because I was great at being fake sometimes.

I was going to regret this tomorrow. I knew.

"Meet me at Short Street", I wrote back slowly, then looked at Louis sleeping there next to my pillow.

I loved him. I knew I did. So what the fuck was wrong with me? Did I really want to convince myself that Darren was good underneath everything he was? I did. But why? I didn't love him... I never had. He introduced me to a perverted world at 16... a world that revolved solely around me, and did to the present day. So, why did I allow myself to give in?

I slipped on my boots and shirt and dug through my box again. I pulled out a joint and several pills that I instantly swallowed. I really wanted to not feel for a while.

I put on my black trench coat and turned back to Louis before quietly heading out of the apartment.

I walked out of the building, looking up and down the sidewalk. It was close to 1 am so there wasn't exactly a lot of people out. I took off up the street when he texted me back. 

"Here."

I swallowed hard and glanced up and down the street before I saw my old convertible sitting there with the parking lights on.

Darren stepped out of the car as soon as he saw me walking up. I glanced around the empty streets, not wanting to make eye contact with him.

"Hey," he said softly, "thanks for seeing me."

"What did you want?" I asked and lit the joint in my head as I stepped next to him.

"Harry, I'm sorry," he started, though I had heard this millions of times before, "I really am... you know how I am when I'm too high and drunk."

"That's your excuse?" I asked and kept looking around.

"Look, why don't we go somewhere and talk?" He asked and stood against me until he was touching me.

"Like where?" I mumbled.

"I... I don't care," he whispered, "anywhere. Please."

I bit my lip but nodded a little and went to get in the car while he climbed back in the driver's seat.

I stayed quiet while he talked... I wasn't sure what to even say to him.

"...the point I'm trying to make is," he started while he parked the car in front of a McDonald's up the street, "I don't want to lose you... at all... you know that."

I looked back at him after I exhaled the hit of my joint, "do you see the way I look? What, do you think I did this to myself?"

"No," he sighed and shook his head, "I... I don't. I know I did it. But I was drunk and high... not ever my greatest combination."

I sat there in silence again glancing inside the empty restaurant in front of us. 

"Do you really think you're safe anywhere else?" He spoke up as his eyes stayed on me.

I shook my head and sighed, "why? Cause they broke into your house? And you think they'll be after me or something?"

"I'm afraid they'll try to find you again," he nodded a little. 

"I don't think they'd do that," I mumbled, "they haven't bothered me in years."

"They couldn't," he looked back at me, his eyes tracing up and down my face, "you were always safe."

"I'm... I'm not staying in that house anymore," I managed to get out, "I appreciate you trying to help, but I'll be fine."

He nodded a little, "is this because of him?"

I sighed and lit a cigarette after putting out the joint, "it's because of a lot of things. Louis, he means a lot to me..."

"I get it," he forced a smile, "I always knew this day would come anyways... you'd find someone you loved... and I apologize for saying what I did..."

I stayed quiet and glanced out the window. I felt his fingers caress my cheek, his rings gently rubbing my skin. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"I'm... I'm happy for you," he whispered as he leaned over, "I... I want you to be happy. I get it if I didn't make you happy."

I turned to stare at him, his eyes staying serious and remorseful... could he really feel bad for what he had done to me?

"Do you get it?" I dared to ask, "if you did, you wouldn't still bother me."

"Just like you wouldn't still meet me," he said back immediately, "but you do."

"I...," I stuttered out, "I needed you to understand... I want to live my own life."

His eyes glanced down at my lips then back to my eyes, "do you know a life without me now, Harry? Do you?"

I bit my lip as I stared at him, "I'm going to. I'm 20 and I need to grow up."

He grinned a little, "I'd say you grew up just fine, love."

I stared back down at my hands, wondering why I even bothered.

"You want something to drink?" He offered, "there's a great bar up here... if you want..."

I pulled out my phone... it was nearly 1:30. What if Louis woke up and I wasn't there?

"Uh, sure," I finally agreed, "but I can't stay long."

"It's fine," he nodded and sat back again in his seat as he started the car.

He began talking about our mutual friends, some that I had met through him. I don't think they ever knew what we had between us; I'm sure they probably guessed it just like everyone else. But Darren was always sure to keep our contact to the bedroom strictly.

"Yeah, Lola said she missed you," he smiled as we stopped at a nearby night club.

"I miss her," I said quietly, "feels like I haven't talked to her in ages."

"She's staying busy with her fashion shit," he smirked and got out. I followed slowly, looking around the place. I was so high now and buzzing off the wine that I wasn't even thinking straight anymore. I knew this was a stupid idea.

But for some reason, I didn't care while I was like this. I let the small guilt I had slip away as I walked in the doors of this shady nightclub.

He bought me shots and we sat at the bar while I downed about 3. He was smiling and doing his best to make me smile, too. I let a grin come over my face while he talked about something completely stupid. It only made him smile bigger and I tried not to stare back at him.

"Want another?" He asked.

"No," I laughed a little, "I'm... I'm good. I'm already too high..."

"I noticed," he chuckled.

"Uh, I'm gonna use the loo," I smiled and got up slowly, the room spinning as I did.

I went to the restroom in the back of the club, locked the door, and held my head... everything seemed louder, more vibrant; I knew better than to get this way around him. 

I walked to the sink and rinsed my face with cold water before looking my eye over. It didn't look as bad as it had.

I heard Darren's laugh at the door as he seemed to be talking to someone, "he'll be out in a minute. Harry, can I come in?"

I slowly unlocked it and opened it, stepping to the side so he could walk in. He closed the door back and studied me.

"You alright?"

"I'm fine," I replied quietly.

His hand grazed over my eye slightly, "I'm really sorry."

"It's fine," I interrupted, "besides... yours looks pretty shitty, as well."

He smiled a little and slipped his hand around my waist, "you know I don't want to lose you."

"I... I know," I mumbled turning away.

"How about one last time?" He whispered and held up the glass, "and I'll walk away... I won't ever bother you again... or him..."

I stared at the glass, "I... I don't know..."

He smiled and drank a bit of it before offering it back, "come on, Harry."

I closed my eyes and he leaned in to kiss me, catching me completely off guard.... but I gave in.

Our lips parted and I took the glass from him and downed the shot immediately. He just grinned and took the shot glass, sitting it down on the counter.

His hands pulled me into him as he kissed down my neck.

"You didn't lock the door," I managed to get out.

"Right," he smirked at me. He locked the door back while I stood against the counter.

He began slipping my coat off, then unbuttoning the few buttons on my shirt while my eyes stayed on him. He slipped his hands around my sides as he glared at me.

"Pull your pants down," he said in a low voice.

I bit my lip nervously but slowly unbuttoned and unzipped them and slid them down until they were down past my knees. His hands gripped me and stroked me while his eyes stayed on mine.

"Turn around," he whispered.

I did exactly that and he pushed me over the counter top while he kissed the back of my neck and his hands roamed down my ass. I closed my eyes and lost myself in the moment.

I was too high, too drunk to even care. His fingers entered me slowly and I didn't even flinch... I just sighed and kept both hands steady on the counter.

I felt him up against me, rubbing against me slowly while his fingers pulled at my curls. He bit my neck gently as he yanked my head back.

I kept my cries to low moans as he quickly entered me and began thrusting into me hard. He kept a grip on my hair while he fucked me.

He kept whispering vulgar things into my ear as he kept me pinned against the counter, buried deep in me.

I allowed my hand to start stroking myself in rhythm with him. He quickly pushed it off and wrapped his own around it, the other still holding my hair in its grip.

He soon dropped his hand from me and pushed me completely down on the counter and fucked me mercilessly. I bit my knuckles in an attempt to quiet myself while his lips traced under my hair.

"Scream," he mumbled, "no one will hear you over that fucking music."

He grabbed my hand from my mouth and pinned it down on the counter while he drove into me harder. I lost the will to be quiet; I screamed out like we were in the middle of nowhere, Darren only getting louder when I did.

He pulled my head back by my hair as he kissed my lips and finally came in me. I did my best to steady myself until he slowed down.

He kissed me softly as his hand started stroking me again. His eyes stayed on me while I moaned out against the counter, his strokes pushing me closer and closer to the edge.

I tried to keep myself up on the counter as my body shook and I exploded into his hand. I bit my lip and screwed my eyes shut as I came, his lips against my neck.

I finally opened my eyes and tried to control my breathing while he rinsed his hands off. I grabbed some paper towels and cleaned off.

He stood staring at me as I pulled my pants back up.

"Should I drive you back?" He asked.

"Uh, yeah," I nodded a little, the room spinning like crazy, "I'm... I'm not feeling too well. I need to go to bed."

"Can... can I still text you?" He asked, "I promise I won't bother you... I just want to hear from you."

"Uh, sure," I mumbled out and buttoned my shirt, then grabbed my coat before walking to the door.

We walked back outside both of us lighting a cigarette. I honestly wanted to hurl everywhere.

We rode back to the street in silence... I was honestly surprised he wasn't trying to get me to go home with him.

"So, I guess maybe I'll talk to you soon?" He asked quietly as he parked again.

I nodded a little and opened the door to get out before his hand pulled me back, his lips meeting mine. I kissed him back for a moment then pulled away quickly.

"I've gotta go," I sighed without looking at him.

"Harry," he started as I stepped out. I turned back to him, "I do love you... just so you know..."

"Go home," I started and pushed my hair back, "alright? Do yourself and me a favor and forget about me... please."

I closed the door immediately and walked back up the street, not looking back at him.

I made it to Gemma's apartment building before I ended up puking everywhere on the sidewalk. I kneeled down and kept my hair pulled back while I felt myself beginning to come down from the high I had been on. 

I closed my eyes, tears coming out as I sat on my knees on the sidewalk. I hated myself for giving into him.

Yet, for some reason, I had for so long.  I didn't understand why I did; why I always had.

I stumbled into Gemma's apartment being as quiet as possible and headed straight for the shower after seeing Louis was still asleep. He hadn't moved at all, it seemed.

I was standing under the hot water seconds later, my eyes closed and tears falling while I tried to be silent. I pushed my hair back and kept my face under the hot stream, my tears mixing with the water that was beating down my cheeks.

I wanted to rinse away every second he had touched me, every kiss I had given him; and every moment I wasted on him I wanted back. I wanted it all to wash off of me and disappear. 

Thoughts flashed through my head of us together; the good days and the not so good days. There were more bad days than good. I closed my eyes, tears streaming down as I fought against my own memories.

I woke up the next morning sober and my head felt like it would explode. I was sick again... and I knew Louis was gonna know something was up.

I hurried out of bed and directly for the toilet, everyone's eyes on me.

I shut the door and I kneeled in front of it before puking everywhere.

"Harry, you alright?" I heard Gemma calling.

I couldn't say anything... I just kept puking and gagging.

The door opened and Louis walked in giving me a questionable look, but pulled my hair back.

"Alright, love?" He asked quietly.

I tried to nod as I coughed and sat back against the wall.

"Let me get you some water," he left the bathroom quickly.

I sat against the wall, my eyes closed, wondering how the hell I explained this one to him.

"Here," he said and handed me a small glass. He watched me drinking slowly, "what's going on? Why are you sick? You feel alright?"

"I... I stayed up drinking too much wine," I lied to him, "couldn't sleep..."

"Could have woken me," he smirked and helped me up.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"It's fine," he smiled, "your sister has cooked for us. Feel like eating? I made you a plate."

"Uh, yeah," I nodded, "sure."

He put his arm around my waist and we walked back to the kitchen together, my mind filled with guilt for not telling him the truth.


	20. Chapter 20

Harry Styles 

 

After I told Gemma goodbye that afternoon, we were on a flight across the way to Ireland. We'd be landing late but we didn't mind; Niall was just happy to be going home again. His friends already had a place set up for us... somewhere alone and not in the middle of Dublin.

"Harry," Louis spoke up from beside me, "you alright? You're so quiet."

"I'm fine," I replied and tried to smile. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket while Louis and Niall started talking. 

I pulled it out and seen a text from Zayn: "where did you go?"

I looked behind me at him, his eyes already on me. I turned back around and wrote him back, "none of your business. xx"

I put my phone back and looked out the window at darkness while Niall was going on excitedly, "I can't wait for you to meet my parents."

"His dad is amazing," I nodded to Louis.

"He calls Harry my special friend," Niall smirked from the other side of Louis.

"Special friend?" Louis grinned slyly at me, "why is that, Horan?"

"Cause he's 'special'," Niall laughed out loud.

"So, his dad knows you're gay?" Louis asked, "how exactly?"

"Niall told him," I shrugged, "if there's one thing Niall is great at it's saying too much."

"My dad's great. He'll love you," Niall nodded, "he loves Harry... he's crazy about him."

"Harry seems to have that affect," Louis said, his eyes on a guy a few rows up who was smiling directly at me.

"Oh, Jesus," I sighed.

"Smile back at him, love," Louis snorted from beside me, "he's been staring at you the whole flight."

"This reminds me of the last time we came to Ireland..." 

"Niall," I cut him off earning a surprised look from Louis.

"Ohh, no, I wanna hear this," Louis snickered, "tell us, Niall."

"Basically, this guy on the plane was checking Harry out. And Harry was already drunk from sitting in the lounge at the airport," Niall was laughing while I stayed back in my seat covering my face. "They went to the loo and..."

"Oh, make it stop," I groaned while Louis laughed.

"And they fucked, correct?" Louis interjected smiling at Niall.

"Of course," Niall nodded and I shook my head.

"Well, you have some power, Styles," Louis was looking at the guy again, "I don't think he's even gay."

"They're not always gay," Zayn spoke up next, Liam and Sophia snorting beside him.

"You, too?" I looked at him, "Jesus."

"We're just having fun," Louis grinned and pulled me to him, kissing my cheek. "Oh, do you think pretty man saw that? Don't want to make him jealous..."

"Like hell you don't," I smirked, "kiss me."

Louis pulled me in and we kissed for several seconds before he stopped and looked back at the guy, who was still staring. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Alright, I'm gonna go say something," Louis started.

"He's not doing anything," I laughed.

"He's undressing you with his eyes," Louis said.

"He is not," I laughed shaking my head.

"Happens a good bit," Niall said again.

"Does not," I mumbled back.

"You fucking liar," Niall chuckled, "remember you telling me you hooked up on a plane and he offered you £120?"

I closed my eyes and sighed. I was embarrassed. Leave it to Niall to be the one to just laugh it all off. 

"What?" Louis laughed, "he gave you that much to do it on a plane with him? This guy couldn't even get you a hotel room first?"

"Stop," I sighed but a small smile came across my face.

"Guess you do have business everywhere, yeah?" Louis grinned.

"Oh, stop it," I groaned.

"I'm just teasing, love," he leaned in, "wanna come join me?"

"Where?"

"The toilet," he shrugged.

"Are you serious?" I laughed.

He stood up slowly and looked around before whispering, "oh, come on. I'll pay you good money."

I tried to hold back my laughter as we both walked to the restrooms, several people eyeing us.

I locked the door behind us and stared at Louis. "So, what do you have in mind, Tommo? Anything specific?"

"If I give you £120 can I ask whatever I want of you?" He nearly whispered.

I tried to nod and brush off how nervous he looked. 

"You're joking, right? You're not paying me to do something I do every day."

He smirked a little, "oh, this isn't something you've done yet."

I raised an eyebrow while his cheeks flushed and he looked away. "Are you embarrassed to ask me? Come on, Lou, I sucked your dick the first day I met you."

He managed to laugh a little before looking back, "I want you to fuck me."

I stood still as I read his face and could see how hard it was for him to say. "Uh, yeah, ok. Are... are you sure?"

"I'm sure," he nodded a little before leaning into me, his eyes tracing down to my lips before his lips met mine.

We both did our best in the small space we had to get our pants down. I bent Louis over the toilet immediately before running my tongue down both cheeks. I held his hips still as I dove in deep on him, tasting every part of him.

"This wasn't part of the plan," he moaned out low.

"I make up the other rules," I replied and went back to fingering him slowly while my tongue traced over him.

I stood up and spread him open and began inching into him, Louis completely losing it and biting his knuckles.

"You alright?" I asked quietly as I wrapped my arms around him.

"I'm... I'm fucking amazing," he managed to reply as I began going slow, my lips tracing over his neck and ear, "fuck, Harry."

"You feel amazing," I whispered into his ear before I ran my lips down his neck and shoulder. 

I thrusted into him harder and harder, Louis still biting his knuckles in an attempt to stay silent. It was hard for both of us.

His hand grabbed my hair, "fuck me like you mean it, Styles."

He knew exactly how to push my buttons. I held his hips tight as I pounded into him, my release only seconds away.

I bit down on his neck when I came and he did his best to steady himself against the toilet. I lay my head on his shoulder and rode out the reminiscences of the high.

"Do you have to bite?" Louis sighed when I finally started cleaning up.

"Sorry," I smiled, "I... I get carried away, I guess."

"You definitely earned that," Louis smirked at me.

"You're not paying me," I giggled and fixed my pants, "it's worth doing for free."

A knock came on the door and Louis covered his small giggles, "we should get out of here."

I nodded smiling as we both fixed our clothes and hair. I opened the door and made no eye contact with anyone. I just smiled and returned to our seat.

"I can't believe you two," Niall was laughing when we sat down.

I just smiled while Louis was looking over in the man's direction again.

"He stopped looking," Louis smirked.

"Oh, Jesus, drop it," I sighed smiling, "Niall, learn to keep your mouth shut, man."

Louis entwined our fingers and the rest of the flight was quiet. I drifted in and out of sleep; my body was completely exhausted.

We picked up our rental, Zayn opting for that cost. We drove it to the home towards the country side. It was part of Niall's friend's family. He and Niall both had really well off families. Niall didn't come off as someone like that but he was definitely born into a wealthier household. It wasn't something Niall was proud of by no means. He never wanted money or the life that came with it. He wanted to make his own way in life; to start from scratch. I held so much respect for him because of that.

"It's nice," Zayn was saying as we got out.

"This is where we came on New Years," Niall nodded, "it was sick. Had a huge party, invited all of my friends... Harry had a great time, too."

"Niall, stop," I sighed as we all walked to the door, "it's not nice to talk about people in front of them."

"I haven't said anything out of the way," Niall chuckled.

"Wow, so you what, did Niall's friends too?" Louis asked in a sassy tone, "how many guys have you been with?"

"I'm not answering that," I mumbled while Niall found the key to unlock the door.  Zayn stood next to me snickering, "hey, shut it."

"Shutting it," Zayn smiled.

"Harry, you and Louis take the big room," Niall was saying as we walked in.

"Wow, this is bloody amazing," Louis looked around at the open living room and kitchen. The staircase led up to 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. 

"Niall, that's your room," I started, "we can take a smaller one..."

"That's not what you said last time," he winked and laughed, "you have changed."

"Stop it," I said lowly and walked upstairs. 

I sat the suitcases down in the floor of the biggest guest room in the house. It had its own balcony, tv and couch, and an en suite. 

Louis stood in the doorway, his arms crossed and looking at me sly.

"What?" I groaned.

"So you did one of his friends too?" He smirked, "nice, love."

"God," I sighed, "Lou, please stop. Niall's too talkative when he's drunk."

"I get it. You are his special friend after all," Louis snickered a little.

"Please stop," I sighed and collapsed on the bed.

"It's not any of my business," he shrugged, "doesn't matter to me how many you've been with... as long as you don't have diseases..."

"Really?" I looked up at him while he sat down smiling at me, "I'm pretty careful, thank you."

"All joking aside," he started and stared down at the sheets, "that loo experience was the best."

I grinned, "good. Glad you enjoyed it."

"Wanna do it again?" He asked, his eyes meeting mine.

I giggled a little, "sure, yeah. If you can handle it."

"Oh, I can handle it," Louis nodded, "just not sure you can, love."

"Try me," I smirked, "I'll bet you breakfast in the morning I can outlast you all night."

"All night?" Louis laughed, "you're fucking insane. Of course I'd never make it... I'm too fond of my sleep."

"You're also quite fond of your ass being eaten," I grinned slyly, Louis looking as if he had forgotten what he was even saying.

"Alright, shit," he got up quickly and closed the door.

I undressed while he walked back over, taking his own off slowly.

"I'll make sure to do this a little longer, alright?" I smiled.

"Take your time," Louis whispered before kissing me and we both felt back into the blankets.

Just like on the plane, I had Louis bent over, grasping his hips while my tongue ran over him. I had found his weakness. I knew it.

I fucked him into that mattress for hours. And Louis didn't restrain his voice. We would stop and smoke, then continue. And the only time we were quiet was after we were politely asked by Liam; his room was next to ours, and I felt a little bad for he and Sophia. Was gonna be a long vacation for them.

Louis definitely didn't outlast me. He was asleep before I was, though I followed suit pretty quickly.

It was rather early when I woke, I knew. Felt like I had just went to sleep.

I grabbed my phone and seen it was only 9 am. But Louis wasn't in bed. How could he possibly be up already? He was a worse morning person than I was.

I noticed several texts from Darren while I yawned and got up. I threw my phone down and threw on my boxers before deciding to head downstairs.

Niall and Louis were laughing from the kitchen and I stopped while they both turned to me.

"Hey, love, did you sleep alright?" Louis asked immediately.

"Yeah, suppose," I replied, "what are you doing?"

"Cooking," he smiled back, "I owe you breakfast."

"Do you?" I raised an eyebrow and he winked and smiled a little.

"Do I wanna know?" Niall asked laughing.

"No," Louis was such a bad liar.

"He lost a bet," I said, Louis looking at me, "he tried to outlast me. Afraid he's just a bit too old."

"Excuse me?" Louis asked while Niall burst out laughing. "I am not old."

I grinned and stood against the counter watching him. I made some coffee and sipped it before I slapped Louis' ass.

"Styles, control yourself," Louis looked to be blushing.

"I don't want to," I whispered and grinned.

Louis shook his head while I picked up his cigarettes and walked to the front deck. 

It was an oversized porch that led out into the garden with a lake not too far off. The small road we came in on could be seen in the distance. It was a really quiet, soothing place.

I lit a cigarette and stared up at the cloudy skies, the wind beginning to blow like crazy. It was quite chilly but leave it to me to be dumb enough to just put on boxers.

The door opened and out stepped Louis, taking the cigarettes from the railing beside me and lighting one. 

"Niall's picking up some Mj and wants to go buy alcohol already. It's 9 in the fucking morning," he grumbled.

I laughed as I looked back at Lou, "he's Irish. This is his home... of course he wants to drink."

"I'm guessing this will be a drunken week then?" He asked smiling at me.

"Most likely," I nodded, "except for when he sees his parents."

"Is he gonna want me to meet them, too?" Louis groaned again.

"Probably," I laughed, "they're good people, I swear. They'll love you."

He nodded a little, "alright... but they better not call me your special friend."

"But you are my special friend," I giggled a little.

He smiled and looked away quickly before taking a seat in the chair. I couldn't help but snicker when he nearly let an "ouch" slip his lips.

"Shut it, Styles, " he pointed.

"I'm not saying a word," I laughed, "but I feel honored... that's all I'm saying."

"Jesus Christ," Louis mumbled as I kept snickering, "well, what do you expect after you keep me up all night doing it?"

"I'd be upset if you weren't sore," I smirked, "means I didn't do it right."

"You did it perfectly," he smiled up at me.

"Good," I nodded as he grinned and looked away again. He acted embarrassed and I had never seen this from him.

"I enjoyed it," I whispered to him, "I really did."

"Did you?" He asked staring down at his hands.

"I did," I replied as I continued to watch him, "why are you so embarrassed? You weren't last night."

"Uh, that... that was my first time," he managed to stutter out, his eyes staying on his hands.

"What?" I asked confused, "you've never..."

"No," he finished for me, "never really wanted to until you."

I smiled a little, "wow. I had no idea. I figured you had, Lou. I would've gone easier on you. I'm so sorry..."

"Stop it," he laughed, "no, love, you wouldn't. The soreness is worth it, I assure you."

I grinned a little as his eyes stayed on mine, "you have a really nice ass, how is this possible?"

"Uh, I just... I'm not one that really has ever wanted that," he shrugged. 

I smiled to myself as I glanced back at the lake. Louis got up, wrapping his arms around me, "hey, it was perfect, alright? All of it was fucking perfect."

I smiled and kissed him softly, "good."

"I've gotta go finish helping Niall," he groaned, "after all, he didn't lose the bet. And I'll take it like a man."

"Yeah, you will," I joked.

"I knew better," he sighed shaking his head as I tried not to snicker too much, "I knew you were going to make a pun."

"I'm sorry," I laughed and hugged him, "I couldn't resist. You know me, Lou."

"I do," he nodded, his eyes meeting mine, "and I think that's why I say things like I do... so you can throw in your stupid puns... because I like to hear you laugh..."

I smiled even bigger, "really?"

"Well, it's pretty adorable when you laugh at your own jokes," he shrugged, "so, yeah, I suppose I do do it on purpose."

"Cause you like to hear me laugh?" I asked. My face had to be beaming.

"I told you, you have a quite hysterical laugh," he said softly, "and I love to hear it and see your smile."

I couldn't tear my face away from him. He noticed and sighed, "alright, stop looking at me like that. Jesus."

"You're amazing," I said quietly, "that's probably one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. Thank you."

"You're welcome," he nodded a little, "there's not a lot I won't do for you."

I smiled at him and threw my cigarette out, "you're an incredible person."

"Well, that's only because of you," he looked back, "never did I see myself standing here with someone who makes me want to be better... who makes me want to give him the world."

"Stop, you're making me blush," I grinned as Louis laughed a little and hugged me up again. 

"You mean a lot to me," he whispered into my neck.

"I know," I whispered back, holding him closer.

"Oi, I'm not cooking all of this food!" I heard Niall calling and Louis let me go rolling his eyes.

"Coming!" He called back and put out the cigarette, "come on, love."


	21. Chapter 21

Harry Styles

 

 

  
After breakfast and a not so quick shower with Louis, we were heading out to get groceries for the week. Niall was buying the alcohol when we returned.

"We should probably hurry," Louis was saying as we walked out to the rental, "don't wanna stand in the way of an Irish man and his ale."

"Right," I laughed while I climbed in the passengers seat.

We began the ride to the nearest store not too far away.

"It's incredibly beautiful here," Lou spoke up, "the country side is just breathtaking. Much better than being stuck in the city, I'm assuming."

"It is, yeah," I agreed while I smoked the cigarette between my fingers.

"So, his family is rich?" He asked looking at me, "he was telling me some of it but it didn't seem like he wanted to really go into detail."

"They are, yeah," I nodded, "his dad owns a very well respected attorney's office. He's one of the best here."

"That's sick," Louis smiled, "I'm guessing Niall doesn't want a life like that."

"Niall's too busy being Niall," I smirked, "he's... he's not in a hurry to grow up."

"Can't say I blame him," Louis said, "I'd rather not myself."

I smiled a little as the sun hit his face just right.

"Peter Pan," I said grinning.

Louis burst out laughing, "what?"

"You're like Peter Pan," I continued, "you're just like him."

He chuckled a little, his eyes crinkling, "ok, then. You may call me Pan."

"As long as I can be a lost boy," I said quieter, "so, that way nothing can ever happen to us... and we'd have each other to count on. Because that's what we'd do."

"I think Peter fell for a girl though," he smiled over at me.

"I can pretend to be a girl," I smiled as he laughed again, "besides, you don't always have to keep the story straight... could be missing out on so much more."

He nodded, his cheeks flushed, "you're right. And with a lost boy like you how could Peter Pan ever be straight?"

I giggled and shook my head, "I was being all nice and sweet..."

"I know, stop," Louis interrupted, laughing, "really, you'd be my only lost boy... that way it was just us and only us. And all my attention could be on you."

I grinned like an idiot and stared out the window, "can we have our own never land?"

Louis reached over and took my hand in his, "the story ends well, love. It always will."

I tried to nod as I stared at him. Words couldn't express what this person meant to me. He made everything better; not just by his words, but his actions as well. He had looked out for me from the first day he met me. Thoughts of him sitting on the balcony telling me he didn't like heights came to mind; I didn't know then that we would be what we were now. Now his fear of heights were gone... he was like Peter Pan... He was flying to new heights.

"So, you're going to cook?" Louis was asking while I looked through vegetables in the store.

"I'm really good at it," I looked at him, "I'll show you how to make what I'm making. We can cook it together."

"What is it exactly?" He asked, his eyes watching me picking up different items.

"It's chicken that's stuffed with mozzarella, wrapped in Parma ham," I explained, "with homemade mash on the side."

"Sounds amazing," he grinned warmly, "can't wait to cook with you."

I smiled to myself as we kept walking, Louis staring at me from the corner of his eye.

"What?" I finally asked.

He smiled even bigger, "nothing, love. This is just nice. I hope one day maybe it will just be us... no one else. And we'll go do this some days. Just buying our items, and taking them back and doing cooking lessons. We could set aside a day every week for you to show me how to cook a dish. Then, one day a week I'd take you out and treat you to the town."

I stopped in my steps as I listened to those words; he wanted exactly what I wanted.

"Could we set aside a day where we just lounge on the sofa?" I asked seriously, "you in one of my sweaters and I'm sitting behind you with my arms wrapped around you while you sip on your Yorkshire tea and yelling at the football game?"

Louis' face lit up as he nodded slowly, "that'd be brilliant, yeah. I could see us doing that every day though."

"Maybe one day day we'll have that," I said softly, "we'd have to get jobs. Real jobs."

Louis threw different things into the cart and smirked, "well, I'm sure we'd manage. Who really cares about money?"

"Love is much more," I whispered, Louis turning to me, "I'd rather have love any day."

"So would I," he nodded and rubbed over my lower back, "I'll look after you... even when or if we're broke..."

I chuckled and shook my head, "we'll be alright, I'm sure. No matter what we do, I think we'll survive."

Louis' grin widened, "you're absolutely right, love."

I smiled and threw some things in the cart and kept walking, Louis following behind me. "You ever talked this openly with someone before?"

"No, actually," he replied, "never. It just... it comes so easy with you, Haz."

I looked back at him smiling, "we probably act like 2 sweethearts from school... the ones that annoy everyone with their baby talk and constant shows of affection."

"The lads haven't complained too much," Louis shrugged and laughed a little.

"True. If we sat in front of them and made out they'd just ask us to get a room," I smiled.

"I'd be ok with that," he winked at me.

"I would, too," I said as I stared at him, getting lost in the moment thinking of having him back at the house in our room. "We should... we should get done."

"We should," he smiled, "you can devour me later, love."

"Oh, I had plans on it," I grinned and pushed my hair back, "maybe out on the dock."

"The dock?" He laughed, "what? We'd get caught."

"By who?" I asked raising an eyebrow, "no one can see us on it from the house anyways... Come on, loosen up."

"You're gonna have me naked on that thing tonight, aren't you?" He whispered as we walked down an aisle with 2 older women.

"What thing?" I turned to him and placed my hand over my crotch, "this one?"

"Stop," Louis laughed quietly, "Jesus, you're embarrassing, Styles."

"I got confused on which one you were implying," I grinned over at the 2 women, "good day. How are you?"

"Fine, thank you," one of them smiled warmly at us.

Louis just kept smirking as we stopped at the cereal. I stood staring at the boxes while Louis kept grinning at me.

"It's not that hard of a decision," he smiled.

"I don't know what to get them," I said biting my bottom lip.

"Alright, let me help," Louis suggested and threw in 2 boxes of Cocoa Puffs, "there's mine."

I grinned over at him, "you're going to eat 2 boxes in a week?"

"Well, when I smoke it's my favorite thing," he shrugged, "let's get Lucky Charms for the Irish one."

"I knew you'd do that," I giggled a little as he threw it in.

"What do you want? Wheaties?" He smirked at me.

"Uh, I'm not too much of a cereal person," I laughed a little, "I do need my fiber though."

"I'm sure you do," he grinned.

"I'll eat whatever," I shrugged, "I'm not too picky. I'll be running laps around the lake the next few mornings anyways."

"Right," he smiled and nodded, "have to keep up your figure."

"Hey," I raised my shirt up some, "it took dedication to get like this, you know."

"Takes dedication to become a pole?" He grinned, "I'm teasing..."

"I know," I smiled, "some of us though just outgrow others."

"That was below the belt," he pointed at me.

"I'm sorry, you're right," I snickered, "I love you like you are."

"You might as well," he grinned, "you're quite the smart ass, you know."

I shrugged and pushed the cart to the next aisle, "doubt I could ever outsmart you, though."

"Never know," he grinned beautifully, "come on, we should hurry. Horan is probably in fits over his absence of alcohol."

I smiled to myself and helped him get the rest of the groceries for the week.

We made it back to the house finally and started unloading the bags. Niall was waiting on the porch with a couple of his old friends.

"Bout time," he called to us.

"Grab some fucking bags and help, Horan," Louis mumbled and hurried in the house as I followed.

We sat all the groceries down on the counter and I began putting them up as Niall and his friends brought in the rest.

"Keys?" Niall asked me.

"Front seat."

"Oh, Louis, this is Steve, Brad, and David," Niall pointed to each of them. "This is Louis, guys."

"Nice to meet you, lads," Louis said while continuing to put things up.

"Harry, how are you, man?" Brad spoke up.

I turned to him from where I stood at the fridge, "I'm... I'm great, thanks. How have you been?"

"I've been great," he said, "glad you could come up with Niall."

"Alright, let's go," Niall said and hurried out of the kitchen, the guys following. Brad gave me a small smile as he walked out.

I went back to putting up the cold items while Louis stood beside me, his arms crossed and looking smug.

"What?" I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Is that the guy?"

"What guy?" I asked.

"Oh, come on, Harold," he snickered, "the guy from New Years."

"I didn't do anything with him," I looked back, "I'm serious."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really," I replied getting a little irritated, "he's straight, Louis. Completely. He... he just listened to me that night. That is all."

"Niall seems to think you did someone here," Louis smirked.

"I didn't," I looked back again, "alright? Niall thinks I've fucked everyone. And I guess you do, too. We just went to the room and talked that night. That is it."

"Alright," Louis got quieter and looked remorseful, "sorry, love. I... I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's fine," I sighed, "I was just upset that night. I was drunk and high and he offered to listen... I am allowed to have guy friends, aren't I?"

"Hey," Louis said slowly, "don't be a dickhead."

"I'm not," I mumbled, "I just get tired of people thinking every guy I talk to has fucked me. It's not like that. I'm allowed to have guy friends without fucking them."

"You are, yes," Louis nodded, "and if you're lucky enough to have friends who don't give a fuck what you are, you're already better off. I'd say you have plenty of those."

I nodded a little, "I do, yeah. These guys would do anything for me."

"They would," Louis quietly responded, "I was just teasing you and I'm sorry."

"It's really ok," I looked back, "I expect it. A lot of people think the worst of me."

"Everyone at uni has such a strewn perception of you," he stated as he watched me putting things in the cabinet.

"What do you mean?"

"They think you're some sorta bad boy who's gay," he started, "when in reality, you're just a sensitive teddy bear."

I laughed a little, "yeah, I told you a lot of people didn't like me. Not that I care now. They don't know me and have never taken the opportunity to know me... just a handful of people."

"Who knows you the most?" He asked, his voice cracking. It was almost as if he was afraid to ask.

I looked down, "don't make me answer that."

He nodded a little, leaning back against the counter, "I don't think he knows you like I do, Harry. He never will."

I turned to him, his face showing vulnerability, "you're right. No one does now. But you."

Louis stayed quiet, watching my eyes closely. I hated when he brought Darren up. I kept having to relive memories every single time he was mentioned.

"Can I ask you something?" He finally spoke up after we had finished with the groceries.

"Sure, yeah," I said slowly.

He pulled his cigarettes out and we walked outside, hearing Liam and Sophia's laughter from the hot tub on the other side of the deck.

"Were... were you closer to Jeff?" Louis stuttered out, his eyes staying on the lake out ahead.

I sighed and lit a cigarette after him, wondering if I even wanted to venture into this subject.

"Uh, I guess you could say I was," I mumbled out, "I... I don't like talking about it, Lou."

He looked back at me, my eyes staring down at the railing, "I... I don't want to force you to. I just... I feel like there's so much I don't know. And I want to know."

I turned to him, "you want every detail of my life?"

"Well, not every detail," he shrugged, "I know I haven't been around long at all and all of these lads know you better than I do..."

"It doesn't matter," I interjected, "who cares if they know me better..."

"I do," he replied, his eyes glancing back at me. He looked hurt almost. "Harry, I just want to be the one you tell everything to. That's all."

I grinned a little and pushed my hair back, "well, you kinda are now."

Louis' grin widened as he hit his cigarette, "so, tell me."

"Uh," I sighed out slowly, "Jeff and I were a lot like you and I... not just like us, but you know what I mean..."

Louis nodded a little and kept watching me.

"He... he came around a lot after I first got involved with them... he and Darren were friends," I started, keeping my eyes out ahead.

"What?" Louis asked quietly, "Darren knew him?"

I nodded a little. "I... I left that out. I'm sorry. I mean, it's not that important..."

"It kinda is," Louis spoke up, "the 3 of you were friends?"

"I... I guess you could say that," I looked back, "Darren and I... we were already involved... you knew that. I saw Jeff with him a lot... and one day, I think we just sorta clicked and we were inseparable."

"How the hell did they know each other?" Louis asked looking confused.

"I... I honestly don't know," I replied, "there's a lot of things I don't have answers to, Louis. I don't know everything. But Jeff and I... we started hanging out and he began working with Zayn and me... and yeah, we did go out with Darren because Darren always invited me... he and Jeff got along really great..."

"Was he upset when he died?" Louis asked in a gentle tone.

"Yeah," I nodded closing my eyes, "I went to his house... I told him what I thought had happened. He was in disbelief. I don't think it really set in for him until his funeral."

"He attended his funeral with you, I'm assuming?"

"I... no, I didn't go with him," I said slowly, "I went with Zayn. Darren was there, though. And he was a fucking mess. He was drunk and I ended up driving his ass home because he literally couldn't do shit."

"Wow," Louis whispered out, "that's... that's crazy. I never saw the 2 of them being friends."

"Yeah, well, believe it or not, he and Jeff were friends before Jeff and I ever did anything," I said as I stared down at the cigarette between my fingers. "He.. he used to come over to Darren's when I was there... and he was always great at reading me, sorta like you."

Louis stayed quiet for several moments and I felt so much tension between us, though I wasn't sure why.

"He was an escape, louis," I admitted, "he was my escape for a short time."

"You loved him, though," Louis spoke up, his voice cracking, "don't say you didn't."

"I'm not saying I didn't," I admitted. I couldn't look at him. "I was young and stupid then, though. And he was a great person, Lou, but he wasn't anything like you. Everyone fails in comparison to you."

Louis leaned back against the railing, crossing his arms, "I'm not just an escape, am I? Because you want to run from the things in your past, like you did then?"

"No," I replied quickly, "you're not an escape. Surely you see what you are..."

"I... I've had an idea for a while," he sort of laughed as he played with his fingers, "I'm afraid of being that, Harry. Because... I love you too much."

I bit my lip as his eyes locked with mine and all I could read on his face was honesty. He really did love me; probably more than I even deserved.

I stepped over, wrapping my arms around him as he sat against the railing, "you aren't just an escape... in a sense, yeah you are, because you make everything better. But you... you are so much more than that to me. I'll probably never deserve you, either, but I do love you, too. And I swear that it's real. I'm not trying to run from my past, Louis, not like I was then. I'm trying to start a new future. And that future consists of you."

Louis smiled while his arms wrapped around my waist slowly, "I'm guessing you've never talked this openly with someone before, either, have you?"

I laughed a little and kissed him softly before replying, "no, actually, I haven't."

"Hey, you lads want to have a bonfire tonight?" Zayn was saying as he walked out of the house.

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine with that," I stepped back away from Louis and pushed my hair back as Louis fixed his fringe and kept smiling. "We should probably ask Niall when he gets back though."

"He'll be so drunk he won't give a shit," Zayn chuckled. "He brought his guitar so expect campfire songs, too."

"Joy," Louis smirked at me.

I grinned a little and looked back at Louis, "so, what should we do with our afternoon?"

"I was about to play FIFA," Zayn spoke up smiling at Louis.

"Yes, fuck, yes, I'm in," Louis nearly shouted while I couldn't help but snicker at his excitement.

"I'll make us some tea, then, and I'll just sit and watch," I smiled.

"We can take turns," Zayn shrugged before grinning, "but you're not so great at that game, Harry."

"Yeah, yeah, shut it," I pointed as he laughed.

Louis and Zayn were soon on the sofa playing against each other while I lay on the love seat watching them. Louis would laugh and curse at Zayn and Zayn would do the same back while I just laughed at them.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out to see Darren's name again... but the text itself shocked me.

"Enjoying Dublin?"

I stared at my phone in disbelief... how did he know, yet again, where I was?


	22. Chapter 22

Louis Tomlinson

 

 

  
Later that night, Harry and I lay outside in the grass by the lake, his eyes on the stars above; and mine on his.

"How's Gemma doing?" I asked quietly.

He turned to face me, "she's ok. She said she was gonna go stay with mum soon."

"She asked you to come, didn't she?" I asked.

He nodded, "how'd you know?"

"She texted me," I replied with a small smile. "She said she wanted me to ask you if you'd consider it."

Harry smiled a little and looked back up at the stairs, "I was considering it, actually."

"Were you?" I lay my head against his as I studied his gorgeous profile illuminated by the moonlight.

"Yeah, if... if you'd go with me," he glanced back.

I smiled a little, "I'd love to, yeah. I'd be offended if you didn't ask me, given I took you to see my mum and sisters."

Harry chuckled a little, "that was amazing, Lou. You have no idea."

"They really like you," I said quietly, "a lot. My mum texted me this morning asking how you were. She seems to every day now... asking how I am and how is Harry my amazing boyfriend."

"You're joking, right?" He laughed.

"No," I grinned, "I'm serious. She's calling you her son already. It's crazy."

"Wow," he sighed smiling, "that's amazing."

"Well, I mean, you're Gemma's sister. And she loves Gemma," I said softly, "she's probably convinced it's destined by now. That's my mum."

Harry's eyes were on mine when I finished talking. He was studying over every inch of my face.

"What?" I whispered.

"Nothing," he whispered back, "just... thinking she's probably right... about the destiny thing."

I let a small grin escape my lips as he kept watching me, no walls put up around himself.

"You think that?" I asked, "this is so insane, Harry...."

"I know," he nodded a little, "but it's nice to feel for once, Lou..."

I bit my lip, trying to hide my smile because he was drunk and high and I knew what was coming... he was a sappy little shit when he was like this. Either he was talking too much, or fucking too much. That was Styles.

"To feel like you've just come up for air in so long," he carried on, his eyes darting across the stars above.

"I can imagine that must feel wonderful," I whispered, taking his hand, "you're incredible, you know."

His dimples shown as he smiled, "and you're too wonderful for words."

I smirked as Harry rolled over and placed his head on my chest, his curls tickling my nose. I traced my fingers through them trying to smooth them.

"You should really start seeing yourself like I do," I whispered to him, kissing his head gently.

He turned so he was facing me, a smile from ear to ear, "you seeing me like you do is enough for me. It's enough to make me feel like I'm incredible, honestly."

"Why is that? I'm not anyone of importance myself," I said smirking.

"You're more important than you realize," Harry stated, his long fingers tracing over the stubble on my chin and jaw, "it's like... it's like being dead inside for so long... feeling like there's no life in you... you're empty, you're used up... you feel nothing..."

I kept my eyes on his, his honesty making me lose my breath.

"Until one day, it's like the sun shines in a precise moment, in someone's eyes," he said smiling a little, "and it's like you suddenly feel like you have woken up from the nightmare you were living."

I was at a loss for words. Harry's emotions and perceptions were so deep sometimes that it was almost heartbreaking.

"You had to grow up fast, didn't you?" I ended up asking before I even meant to.

"Uh, yeah," he replied softly, "I suppose you could say that. I mean, we all do have something that shapes us into adults, right?"

"Not everyone goes through what you did at that age," I mumbled out lowly. "Most of us get to choose who we give up that part of ourselves to..."

"I know," he said, his eyes shifting back to the skies, "but everything you go through makes you or breaks you, right?"

"Yeah, it does," I softly replied, "did you ever consider therapy?"

"Therapy?" He laughed a little, "uh, no. I went and got pills for the panic attacks, but no. I wouldn't even consider therapy. How would I have explained that to my mum? And besides, I was stupid enough to go back to him again... on second thought, maybe I do need therapy."

"I just meant back then," I said seriously, running my fingers down through his curls that lay on his chest, "how did it not eat you away?"

"I... I can't really say it didn't," he replied flatly, "I just stopped caring. I started living with more of a "no fucks given" attitude. Was easier."

"Staying high all the time and not caring," I sighed, "that's not living. No wonder you felt dead inside for so long."

"Yeah, well, I chose to," he said putting his knees up and crossing his arms as he lay on my chest staring up above, "I was young and stupid, Lou."

"We all make mistakes," I tried to reassure him.

He snorted almost and smiled at me, "you can say I was stupid, too. Don't kiss my ass."

"I'm not," I laughed out loud before I kissed him softly, "I didn't want to just say, 'yeah, you're a fucking idiot, Styles.'"

Harry laughed and sat up some, his hair falling around his face, "truth does hurt sometimes."

"It does, yeah," I responded pushing his hair back, "you are so fucking gorgeous."

Harry looked smug before glancing around, "let's go out to the dock."

"What? Now?" I asked laughing while he got up.

He extended his hand to me, shrugging, "you can turn me down if you want. Totally up to you."

My eyes traced up him from his legs all the way to his eyes, "how can I turn you down? I don't think that's even possible."

"Is it not?" He grinned slyly and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Harry," I started while he just snickered.

"No one is out here," he dropped the shirt from his shoulders and kept his eyes on me, "wanna join me on the dock?"

"Fuck, yes," I replied quickly to which Harry laughed, not that I blamed him; I was so whipped by him.

We walked about halfway out on the dock, no lights where we were but the moonlight and its rays on the ripples of the lake.

Harry unbuckled his leggings, his eyes staying on mine while I watched him undressing slowly.

He was completely naked now as he stepped over and pulled my hoodie off and ran his fingers down my chest and stomach, a devious grin on his lips.

His fingers traced down to my pelvis and he tugged my sweats and boxers off together, then pulled me into him as his lips bit over my neck and collar.

"Fuck," I moaned out louder than I meant to. My fingernails dug into Harry's broad shoulders, causing him only to bite harder.

He stopped and whispered, "lay down."

"Uh, alright," I agreed and picked up my clothes to lay under me.

I lay down on my back, Harry kneeling between my legs. 

"Harry, not out here..."

The words had barely gotten out when I felt his lips devouring me, his hands pulling me into his face.

"Fuck," I tried to whisper but it wasn't working.

Harry was showing no mercy whatsoever. He didn't care who heard. His fingers had me stretched open while his tongue ran in and out of me.

I squirmed a little and Harry gripped my hips tighter with his hands, causing me to be completely still.

He glanced up at me, "you taste amazing." A sly grin crossed his face before he dove back in on me and I bit my hand in an attempt to be quiet.

Harry thrusted his fingers into me, biting his lower lip and staring directly at me wanting to see my reaction.

Harry was a person of eye contact; he wanted to see how he made you look, the moans that would escape your lips. That's how he was.

He picked up my legs finally, and began inching himself into me, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Shit," I nearly shouted while I tried to settle with the overwhelming pain and pleasure with every thrust.

"Look at me," he whispered to me, drawing my eyes to his, his hair falling around his face as he thrusted faster.

He grinned a little before kissing me, his tongue devouring mine while he fucked me into the dock, the wood creaking under us.

"Fuck, fuck," I mumbled out, Harry's hands pulling my hips into him further. I wanted to scream so loud every time he went in harder on me.

I stroked myself quickly; I knew this wouldn't take long. His eyes staying on me was more than enough to push me over the edge. He would never look away from me.

His fingers gripped my hips tighter as he pounded into me as hard as possible and I felt myself coming while I watched his eyes.

I tried not to scream out as I came all over myself, Harry's fingernails in my sides as he finally came in me, his moans filling the silence outside. I don't think he ever knew how to be quiet.

"Fuck," he sighed as he finally slowed and collapsed on me for a moment.

"You're going to be so sticky," I said in his ear.

"Fuck, I don't care," he sighed out, raising up to look at me, "that's really fun, by the way."

"I couldn't tell," I smiled looking down at my sides where his fingernails had left grooves.

"Sorry, I get carried away," he grinned and got up slowly, grabbing his shirt to clean up with.

"You get very carried away," I grinned and tried to clean off with my boxers, "damn."

He smiled a little and slipped his leggings back on and pulled out his cigarettes.

"I've gotta ask though," I started as I pulled a joint out of my pocket, "what is it with you and the eye contact?"

Harry grinned back at me, a cigarette in the corner of his mouth while he pushed his hair back, "uh, I don't know. It makes me feel more in control, I think?"

I nodded a little almost blushing. Harry was much less embarrassed by things that had to do with sex; hell, he had probably done everything imaginable by now. It wasn't as easy for me.

"I have an obsession with needing to hear you," he said slowly as he took the joint from me and took a hit.

I stood still watching him grin a little. "Ok, then."

"Look, you tell me," he started, "is it not more intense to stare back at a person while you're fucking them?"

"Jesus, Harold, you need to stop smoking now," I chuckled and took the joint back, "you need sleep."

He smiled a little and hit his cigarette before sighing, "I'm gonna break you."

"Break me?" I asked smirking.

"Yeah," he nodded confidently, "you're gonna turn into a sex freak, trust me. I've already found your biggest weakness."

"Are we seriously having this conversation?" I asked and shook my head.

"Hey, you need to learn to be one with yourself during sex," Harry mocked laughing.

"Jesus Christ," I laughed. "Really."

Harry kept laughing as he shook his head and looked around.

I smiled to myself as I watched him standing there, the wind blowing his hair, his eyes closed again.

"Free suits you," I whispered to him, causing him to turn to me. I gave him a small smile.

He looked down, grinning, with his eyes closed. "Yeah, suppose it does."

I smoked my cigarette in silence, standing next to him, watching the ripples in the lake below. Harry pushed his hair back again, seeming to be in thought.

"You alright, love?" I asked quietly.

He turned to me, "yeah, I'm fine. I'm just thinking about mum's."

"Oh, yeah," I said, "it'll go well, love. I'm sure."

He nodded a little, "Louis..."

"Yeah?" I looked back, his eyes on me.

"Thank you for letting me be your first," he said, not sarcastic but serious.

I managed to nod a little, "you're welcome, I suppose."

He grinned a little, "I'm really honored."

"I'd say so," I smirked looking down at my sides.

He placed his one hand on my side gently and placed his other hand on the back of my neck while he stared into my eyes. He kissed me gently and I pulled him into me getting completely lost in him again.

This world was the world I wanted to exist in; it was a world that only consisted of his body against mine, his beautiful lips on mine, his scent, his being. It was like stepping into another realm of time with him; it was the only realm I wanted to stay in.


	23. Chapter 23

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
It was rather early when I woke up the next morning. Harry was still out beside me when I heard someone knocking.

"Louis, can I talk to you?" I heard Zayn whispering through the door.

I slid out from under Harry gently not to wake him, then threw on my sweats and opened the door.

"What is it?"

"You've gotta see something," he said lowly. I didn't like the look on his face at all. Something didn't feel right.

I nodded and followed him downstairs out onto the deck, Zayn picking up a laptop I recognized right away.

"You brought his laptop?" I asked through wide eyes, "Zayn, that's stolen property."

"Look," he pointed to the screen and I seen a blog. It was obviously Darren's... but it was filled with Harry.

"What the fuck is that?" I asked and sat down next to him.

"Apparently, he made a blog about his 'boyfriend'," Zayn replied shaking his head. "He has so much shit on here, it's unreal, Louis."

"Like what?" I asked.

"He's got photos, videos," he said looking back at me, "and I have a feeling Harry knew nothing about this."

"Give me the laptop," I demanded. Zayn handed it over at once and I scrolled through all the posts. Most were just normal photos of Harry... then, it got to ones that looked like they came from a porn... but it was Harry. "this is fucked up."

Zayn nodded and lit a cigarette, "the videos are worse, Louis. If you don't wanna kill him yet, you will."

I looked back at Zayn, his eyes staying serious. I clicked on the videos next, wishing I hadn't as soon as I had.

There was no way Harry knew he was recording these. There was even one where he was high out of his mind... I closed my eyes and looked away trying to control everything I was feeling.

"We need to tell Harry about this," Zayn said.

"He doesn't need to relive this shit over and over," I sighed and closed the laptop.

"Louis, Harry needs to know who this bastard really is," Zayn said seriously.

"He does," I said confused, "surely he does by now..."

"He needs to see it," Zayn added again, "alright? Just trust me."

"Zayn, I don't know if we should," I sighed and rubbed my forehead.

"He deserves to know," Zayn said back, "it's his ass that's being put out there for everyone, Louis. Would you want someone to keep that from you?"

"No," I sighed in defeat, "alright. I'll... I'll show him."

"I'll come with you," Zayn offered. He got up slowly and opened the door and I followed him upstairs slowly with Darren's laptop.

"Harry," I called as we reached the bedroom door. He had one ass cheek out from under the covers and he was still cuddled against his pillow. I sat down next to him and rubbed over his bare back, "Harry, love, wake up, please."

He finally stirred and opened his eyes studying me and then Zayn standing next to the bed, "what's wrong?"

"Uh, there's something we think you should see," Zayn started pointing to the laptop in my hand.

Harry glanced down at it, then back at me, "you brought that?"

"No, Zayn did," I replied, "look, there's just something on it you need to see."

I opened it for him and put it on the bed while Harry sat up, pulling the covers around his waist and rubbing his eyes.

He finally focused on the screen, his eyes widening. "What is this?"

"It's Darren's blog about you," Zayn replied first, "I'm guessing you didn't know he had that."

Harry stared at the computer and looked to be in shock while he scrolled through the posts, "holy shit. How did he get photos of me like this?!"

"He's got video, too," I replied under my breath.

Harry's eyes shot up at me, "he has what?"

I pointed to the video tab and Harry slowly clicked on it, his expression changing completely after he seen them. I kept my eyes on the sheets while he scrolled through them. You could hear a pin drop it was so silent.

"Morning, boys!" Niall called from the doorway. He stopped when he seen Harry's face, "what's going on?"

"Seems Darren had a hobby on the side," Zayn looked at Harry, Harry's eyes meeting his, "he blogged about his life with Harry."

Harry was getting upset and I knew it. "Malik, stop."

"What? It's the truth," he said seriously, "do you see what kind of guy this is now, Harry? Do you fucking see?"

Harry threw the laptop to the end of the bed and covered his face with his hands.

"Really?" I nearly yelled at Zayn, "what's your fucking problem?"

Zayn breathed out a heavy sigh and shook his head, "I'm... I'm sorry..."

Harry still didn't say anything. He just sat quiet staring down at his hands.

"I'm sorry, Harry," Zayn mumbled, "I just... I felt like you needed to see the shit he did behind your back."

Harry nodded a little, then threw the covers off himself and slipped his boxers on slowly.

"I'm confused," Niall spoke up again looking at the 3 of us.

"Darren made a blog about me," Harry started slowly, "and I didn't know about it. That basically sums it up, Niall."

"What could he possibly have?" Niall asked.

I looked up at Zayn, then Niall, "he's got a little bit of everything on there. Who the fuck knows how..."

"He had cameras or something in the house," Harry mumbled out loud, "that's the only explanation for it. I wasn't aware of any of this, Louis."

"I know, love," I nodded, "I can see that."

Harry kept his eyes on me like he wanted to make sure I believed him. Of course I did. I could tell how upset he was now from it.

He picked up his sunglasses and slipped on his Nike sweats before picking up his cigarettes.

He walked out of the room without saying anything to anyone... so, I got up and followed. And of course, Zayn and Niall did as well.

"Maybe we should give him a minute," Zayn sighed as we stood at the door watching Harry on the deck outside.

"No, he needs someone to talk to," I replied back, "he's been keeping this shit in too long. He needs to learn to get it out."

Zayn nodded a little and pat my shoulder, "he's lucky to have you."

"Thanks," I said quietly and walked out to join Harry.

He kept his back to me as he lit a joint and sighed. "How much is on there exactly?"

"I... I don't know," I replied, "I haven't even looked at it all yet. Zayn woke me up to show me... and we woke you."

Harry nodded a little, his eyes staying off on something in the distance.

"Look, I know you're upset, so please just get it out," I said quietly as I stood next to him, placing a hand on his waist.

"Nothing really to get out, Lou," he shrugged, "I mean, I guess I shouldn't have expected better from him. But somehow I did... like I thought I knew him..."

"Knew him," I nodded, "yeah, he basically played house with you... except he took everything to a different level, Harry. He's more than obsessed... he's psychotic. Who starts a fucking blog about a fake relationship?"

Harry sighed and closed his eyes.

"It was fake, wasn't it?" I asked, although I knew I shouldn't have.

Harry turned to me, his eyes filled with hurt, "it was nothing more than a friendship to me. It's the truth, whether you believe that or not."

"I do believe it," I whispered, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that again. I just can't comprehend this level of obsession..."

"Neither can I," Harry sighed out his hit and it was hard seeing him like this. He was somewhere between screaming or hitting something, and I was just preparing for it.

"How can someone who says they're your friend, that they care about you, that they love you, do this," Harry said out loud, "I don't get it."

"Harry, stop," I sighed, "that's your problem right there. You think he's all these things to you, but he's gone behind your back and shown you who he really is... you can't... you can't defend him on this..."

"I'm not," he said back immediately, "I'm not defending him, Louis. I just... I'm so sick of this shit. Every day it's something else. He texted me yesterday by the way, asking how Dublin was."

"What?" I asked, "are you fucking serious? How the hell did he fucking know you were here?"

"Fuck if I know," Harry replied sounding frustrated, "how does he always find out? I'd love to know honestly."

"So would I," I whispered and lit a cigarette while he stood still again. "I'm sorry, Harry. I'm sorry you keep having to relive this shit."

"Don't be," he mumbled, "I deserve it, I guess. It's my fault anyways, right?"

"It's not," I shook my head, "Harry, just because you believe everyone has good in them, just because you did your best to make a friendship work with him, doesn't make it your fault."

"It does," he turned to me, "I... I knew better than to ever mix myself up with him again..."

"You were young and he offered you a world of unlimited possibilities," I started slowly, Harry's eyes falling back on me, "you've made mistakes, Harry. But you have realized now, haven't you, that you have to stop? That you can't keep doing this to yourself?"

"I've realized that too many times," he replied staring down at his hands, "there's no telling how many people have seen that shit on there."

"We could just delete it," I suggested.

"And if he was to try and get back to it?" He asked looking at me, "who would he think deleted it?"

"Probably us," I sighed, "I don't really care though. I want to delete it."

"You think I don't?" He asked turning away again.

"I don't know what to say," I admitted, "I want to say something to help you, but I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," he whispered, "you're here. That's enough."

"Yeah, and you've spent long enough keeping things pinned up," I stated, "if you're angry, or just upset, get it out. I don't mind hearing it. If you wanna punch something, I'll give you a fucking punching bag. If you need to scream, I'll encourage it by yelling with you."

Harry finally smiled a little while he looked back at me, "you're amazing."

"Why?" I smirked.

"Cause... you just are," he smiled at me, "you're doing your best to make me talk so I can feel better. Not a lot of people do that for others."

"I'm not a lot of people," I replied, "and you've dealt with these demons alone long enough... you need someone to fight with you, you know."

Harry's smile was gone as he stared at me, vulnerability written all over him again.

"Sorry," I started, "that's just how I feel."

He nodded a little, "I like how you feel, Louis. You have no idea."

"So, what now?" I asked quieter, squeezing his waist, "he knows where you are... did you reply?"

Harry shook his head, looking off again. "I don't plan to."

"Harry," I decided to start as I stared up at him, "you know deep down that this will destroy you. You must know by now what this has done to you... how it's changed you."

"I... I do," he managed to reply, "I know what it took from me... it basically consumed my life. I really didn't have one, other than Darren, the gang, and the parties. I mean, I've spent most of the last 3 years almost either with him or someone else..."

"You've never been alone?" I asked curiously.

"Alone?" He looked back and seemed to be thinking over the question, "uh, alone, that's a broad perception; I didn't spend much time alone, no, but yeah, I've always been alone. I've never really felt like I had someone. Darren and Jeff were probably the closest I've ever come to not feeling completely alone."

"That's rather sad," my words stumbled out of my mouth while I watched Harry pushing his curls back, "you've had all of these people in your life and you've always felt alone?"

Harry nodded just a bit, "Lou, when I was 18, and I started seeing him again, a lot of the times for me it was just about being around someone; having someone there who paid attention to you and supposedly cared about your needs. And, I'll even admit, when his true colors started showing and I began to see who he was, it kinda was like twisting the knife... only because I was naive enough to think that we could be friends, that we could just do things when we felt like it and be friends... and it even worked that way for a bit. But he's never been ok with just that..."

"So, you were hurt basically when he started acting a different way?" I asked, "are you sure you didn't love him, Harry?"

He sighed and shook his head, mumbling, "you know I didn't. I'm sure you'd be able to read that on me, Lou. You'll never understand..."

"I wish I could," I started slowly, "really. But this... this isn't something I'm capable of understanding. Yet. But I wanna try, at least for you."

Harry sighed out, glancing back in the house, "I don't think I can even understand it."

We stayed quiet for several seconds and I felt like Harry was feeling like he wished he hadn't of admitted that.

He soon spoke up though, changing the subject, "I think I wanna sleep a little longer, if you don't mind, that is."

"Why would I?" I asked smiling, "sleep as long as you want, love. I'll play FIFA with Zayn or something."

"K," Harry smiled and kissed me before putting out the joint, "thanks for the talk."

"Anytime," I nodded and gently rubbed over his waist, "we can talk more later, if you want."

"That'd be nice," he sighed and opened the door, Zayn and Niall looking up from the sofa.

Harry didn't say a word; he went straight back upstairs to the bedroom. I sighed and took a seat in the chair.

"Is he ok?" Zayn asked first.

"Yeah, he's fine," I replied, "he just wanted to sleep some more."

"I can't believe that bastard did that," Niall mumbled while he stared at the tv screen, "that's fucking low."

"It's pretty damn low," I agreed, "I... I wanted to read it all but I don't think that's a good idea."

Zayn looked back at me, "I wouldn't."

"Why?" I asked, "I'm guessing you did?"

"I looked through some of it," he started lowly, "and it's... it's not something you want to see, Louis. Hell, I don't think Harry needs to..."

I tried to nod but now I was curious. I knew better than to look at it all... I'd want to kill the bastard even more.

But after battling with it, I got up and walked upstairs telling Zayn I was just checking on Harry. It was sort of the truth anyways.

I opened the door a little and Harry was seated on the bed, his hair falling around his face while his fingers sat on the open laptop; I froze where I stood.

I knew he was watching a video; I could tell by his face. I leaned back against the wall, watching him through the crack, his eyes blinking slowly while tears fell down.

How did we fix this? That's all I wanted to do. I wanted to take all of this shit away from him. But how could I possibly?


	24. Chapter 24

_(*flashbacks in italics)_

 

Harry Styles

 

_"You've no idea how close to walking out I was," Darren was laughing and saying while we walked out of our poker game._

_"You still lost," I smiled at him. "Now, I've just gotta come up with something..."_

_"Harry, that's not how the rules go," he laughed and shoved me before we climbed in his car, "where to now? It's only like 10..."_

_"I don't care. I'm drunk, I'm high," I managed to mumble out, "let's drive and I'll think of what you've gotta do..."_

_"You're not making me do anything," he laughed and shook his head, "no, Styles, it can't be anything illegal."_

_"You take all the fun out of this, you know," I smirked at him._

_He grinned and watched the road carefully, "I don't want to get fired. I mean, I need my job..."_

_"Fuck your job," I smiled at him. "In fact, drive to the campus."_

_"Why?" He asked laughing._

_"I just thought of what you're going to do," I grinned._

_There were a few other faculty leaving while Darren let us in. He motioned for me to quickly follow him and I just smiled and smacked my gum not really giving a shit if we got caught._

_"Where to?" He asked quietly._

_"Your room," I replied pursing my lips. "You're going to fuck me right on your desk..."_

_"Harry," he whispered smirking and looked around, "alright, sounds good. Sure. Let's go."_

_I grinned to myself and followed him slowly down the hall._

___________________________________

I closed my eyes as I watched a video on Darren's laptop; the night we were both so drunk and high that I challenged him into fucking me in his classroom, and then the faculty bathroom.

I hated seeing myself like that... I seemed happy, I seemed like I was loving life. And maybe then I was. Since it was before Darren began to show the real side of him.

He hadn't posted the video to his blog, and I can imagine why he didn't. Hell, I was 18, almost 19, at the time and it clearly shows it's the school campus in the video.

But I had recorded it and apparently he kept it on his laptop after I had sent it to him. He had lots of those that I filmed of us... I seemed like a different person now.

As I sat there watching my 19 year old self laughing and actually enjoying Darren's company, I kept asking myself where it had all gone wrong. He seemed so genuine, and honest with me.

I wondered too why I couldn't see the signs... maybe because I was honestly too wrapped up in him and the world I inhabited then.

That world was evident in every video he had saved to his laptop; I was high out of my mind in nearly every one of them and I was acting like an ignorant kid.  How did I ever act like that?

I felt disappointed in myself. It hurt to be shown what I was at one point in time. And maybe I still wasn't completely changed. I still gave into him. I knew I shouldn't have that night, but I had. And as much as I kept telling myself I was letting it go, I found myself going in circles and ending up here again.

I wanted to burn him out of my memory; I wanted him out of my head completely. I felt like that no matter what I did in the future, I'd always be forced to remember those times like that... times where things seemed easier, but they weren't because the hell hadn't started completely yet.

________________________

_"Why can't I know what it is?" I asked laughing._

_"Because it's your birthday and you can't see your gift yet," Darren was driving and slowing down._

_"Are we here?" I asked with my hands over my eyes still._

_"No peeking," he laughed and stopped the car, "alright, let me help you out. Keep your eyes closed, Harry."_

_"Yeah, yeah," I mumbled and waited until he opened my door and helped me out. "Can I look yet."_

_"Almost," he whispered and guided me a few feet over. He placed his hands on my waist gently and said into my ear, "open them."_

_I opened my eyes and seen a red sports convertible sitting in Darren's drive way. My eyes grew wide as I studied over it. I was at a loss for words._

_"Well?" He asked with a smile on his face._

_"I... I don't think I can accept this," I said back quietly, "this... this is way too much. How the fuck did you afford this?"_

_"Harry, I sell just like you," he laughed a little, "I just invest my money and really only spend it if I just really want to."_

_I stared at this sports car in front of me... it had to have costed a fortune and he was just giving it to me._

_"Are you out of your mind?" I managed to ask finally, "I can't take this from you."_

_"I thought you'd like it," he said a little quieter._

_"I do... that's not the point," I started, "you can't just go out and spend that on me..."_

_"Hey, you only turn 19 once, Harry," he smiled, "come on, how can you say no?"_

_"Simple. No," I replied, "I... I appreciate this but no, I can't take it. That's a lot of fucking money."_

_"Why don't you test drive it first?" He held up the keys and grinned._

_My phone buzzed in my pocket and I took it out to see Niall's text about their party for me._

_"Shit, the party," I sighed out loud, "I'm gonna be late."_

_"No, drive," he tossed me the keys to the convertible, "let's go."_

_I slowly opened the door and looked around, Darren already in the passenger seat smiling up at me._

_"Nice interior, right?"_

_"It's nice, yeah," I mumbled and shut the door before putting the key in the ignition._

_I sat listening to it for a minute, Darren waiting for me to smile. I looked at him, placed my foot on the gas pedal and revved up the engine before finally grinning at him._

_"Sounds amazing, right?" He laughed._

_"Sounds powerful," I smirked and shifted it into drive and started out of the drive way slowly._

_"You like it," Darren said to me as the wind blew my hair everywhere._

_I tried not to smile too much, "I do, yeah. It's quite nice... but I don't think..."_

_"I'm not taking it back, Harry," he interrupted, "it's yours. Keep it."_

_"How much does it cost a month?" I asked._

_"Don't worry about that," he laughed it off, "you like it. That's all that matters."_

_"You... you took me shopping 2 days ago for my birthday and bought me tons of shit," I started slowly, "that was enough. You don't have to k_ eep spending so much on me."

_"I do, actually," he said grinning a little, "because I think you deserve it."_

_I stayed quiet for the rest of the ride to Ed's house where everyone was waiting for me._

_________________________________

I pushed my hair back and got up to open a window so I could smoke as memories kept flashing in my mind each time I'd see a photo or video.

This one was saved onto his laptop and it was everyone, including him, singing happy birthday to me at Ed's house. Niall and Zayn had put it together and Liam made arrangements with a DJ. It was a blast honestly. We all got too wasted that night. I got completely out of it after a few drinks and other things I had done with Darren up in one of the rooms.

Back then, when I first started seeing him again, we were inseparable a lot. I think the guys secretly despised Darren for that too. I wasn't around a whole lot then. I mean, we all had our own lives... but I was always the one gone, the one who had plans... I regretted that.

Another video from that same night showed Darren helping me in his house and he was talking about the car he had bought me while I was so drunk I didn't remember any of it. I still have no clue what happened that night. I don't remember going to his place. But I had obviously.

__________________________

_"He asked me today what I thought of you," Jeff said as we sat in a pub we visited frequently. Darren was in the restroom while we talked lowly._

_"What'd you say?" I asked him from across the table._

_Darren had no clue that we were together... he suspected it because Jeff was now spending more time with me than ever... he was coming to Darren's only when I was there._

_"I just told him I've liked you since day one," he replied, "told him you're a good friend and all that..."_

_"He probably read right through that shit," I smiled at him and looked back around the pub._

_"Can you come over tonight?" He asked me,_ his eyes already on me when I looked back.

_"Uh, yeah, I... I probably can," I nodded a little, "I mean, I'll tell him I'm going to stay with Niall... that he called and was upset..."_

_"Hey, if anyone can sell that shit it's you," Jeff winked at me and I couldn't help but snicker._

_"I've gotten quite good at it," I smiled and drank my ale._

_"Well, you can always tell the bastard no, you know," he said softly reaching across the table and touching my hand. "You could stay with me."_

_I sat there staring at him and questioning myself for the millionth time... why did I always make bad choices?_

_Darren was coming back and Jeff quickly sat_ _back and picked up his ale while I played with my phone. He sat down next to me and kept chatting about different things while Jeff and I exchanged small eye contact the rest of the evening._

_________________________

I felt tears sting my eyes as I stared at a photo of Jeff, Darren, and I out one night together, like we always did. I remembered telling Niall to tell Darren I was there and asleep when I was actually with Jeff in his bed. I think that's when things became more real to me; when I finally realized the life I was living.

Jeff offered to help me, just as Louis was now. And I almost took his help; I tried to. But after he died, it was like that sense of realism died with him; and I fell back into the circle and pattern already laid out for me.

_________________________

_"Harry, don't be like this, alright?" Darren was nearly yelling at me._

_"I'm sick of this," I screamed back. "I can't do anything without you on my ass!"_

_"I worry, alright?" He said softer, "I... I just don't want anything to happen to you... I'm afraid now since..."_

_"I know that," I finished for him before he even mentioned his name, "but ever since you bought this fucking house you have acted as if you own me. You DO NOT own me!"_

_"You need to calm down," Darren tried to grab me and I immediately shoved him away._

_"Stop," I yelled, "ok? Just leave. Please, just fucking leave."_

_"I own this place," he almost laughed sarcastically, "I can stay however long I like, alright?"_

_I shook my head and picked up my box and went to the bathroom, Darren tailing me._

_I put out a line of cocaine on the counter and snorted it while he stood next to me watching me._

_I stood back up and closed my eyes, holding my nose._

_"Feel better yet, bitchy pants?" He asked his arms crossed._

_"No, I don't," I replied flatly, "I want you to leave. I just want to be alone for one night, alright? Don't you get how this looks to Zayn, Niall, and Liam?"_

_"When'd you start caring?" He asked, "you never have before... hell, you'd literally drag me places in public to fuck..."_

_"I wasn't being treated like I was owned then," I replied staring back at him, "I won't feel like that."_

_He smiled a little and put his hand in my hair, "what's wrong with feeling owned every once in a while, Harry? You've never seemed to mind in bed..."_

_I closed my eyes and sighed before turning away. But Darren's hands were on my waist and he was pulling me into him planting kisses on my neck before I knew it. And I, like always, gave into him and allowed him to control me that night._

___________________________

I wiped my eyes and sighed as I stared at a photo of us in my old bed. I knew he had taken it that night. He even spent the night with me that night, something that didn't happen often.

I knew then that the guys seen it. I couldn't have fooled them if I wanted to. But they, like myself, pretended it wasn't happening.

I had started despising Darren by that photo... I had begun to hate everything about him. Sure, he was still fun, but he had changed.

He bought the house for me and immediately began showing up whenever he felt like it, no matter the time. And he expected me to give in every single fucking time.

I remembered nights where he'd come in and he'd just tell me to take something so I'd be in the mood... most of the time, I did.

__________________________

_"I can't keep doing this," I remembered thinking one night._

_I was sat on the bed, my face in my hands as I felt so many things._

_I was over with the obsession he had with me. I got up and drove most of the night to nowhere in particular. I drove to Jeff's grave first, then to Darren's._

_I was filled with rage as I sat and tried to call things off with him again. It led to a huge confrontation._

_"I want out of this," I yelled at him._

_"You want out?" He asked, "where are you going to go, Harry? Who gives you everything you ask for? Me!"_

_"I didn't ask for anything!" I shouted back, "you_ _gave it all to me! I don't want it anymore!"_

_"I'm not taking it back," he said calmly, "because I know you don't mean this. You never do. You can't escape me, and you fucking know it by now."_

_I tried to steady my breathing as I headed for the front door again, my hand on the knob as I closed my eyes and bit my lip._

_"You sure you should be driving?" He asked softly, "didn't you get hammered before coming here? You wanted to hit me, didn't you?"_

_I turned and stared at him as he walked slowly over to me, his eyes glancing up and down me, "Harry, I've already lost Jeff... don't make me lose you, too."_

_"Don't bring him into this," I tried to contain my composure._

_Darren nodded a little and reached over gently rubbing my shoulder, "stay, alright? Don't drive like this."_

_"I don't want to stay..." I mumbled._

_"I don't believe you," he whispered, "you came all this way to kick my ass and you've still yet to throw the first punch."_

_I looked away and breathed out a heavy sigh._

_"Look, you're too fucked up to drive home," he said again, "I'll make you some tea, or a drink, or hey, a fucking line on the bathroom sink. You'll feel better. And you can go home in the morning."_

_I sat still for a few seconds then finally nodded. "Fine."_

_Darren smiled, "you know where my shit is at... help yourself to 2 lines if you want."_  
__________________________

And then, there was the photo of me passed out on his bed, after being drunk and high on coke... he showed me the photo the next morning. I remember him laughing about me being so out of it and I kept wanting to fight him. But truth was that I remembered every bit of it... I just chose not to do anything about it... like always.

There were so many photos and videos that brought back so many old feelings and memories; as well as things that I truly wanted to forget.

He even had one of us that was taken the morning after we had a huge fight... only reason I had remembered that was because in the photo my eye was a bit swollen. You couldn't tell if you hadn't of been the one to live it. Unfortunately I did live it.

I had lived it for a while... starting right after the car had been bought for me. I had a carefree attitude about our relationship; I didn't really call it that. I wanted to see other people a lot... but doing that soon showed me who he really was.

And even though I knew that he was owning me then, I still allowed it. I kept listening to him instead of my inside voice that kept telling me to stop; to run from it.

Until Louis showed up that first day; when I seen him, I wanted to run from it. I wanted it to end. Yet, I still gave into him again.

Another picture caught my eye before I closed the laptop; it was Darren and I just a few months ago at a dinner party for one of our friends. Pictures can be so deceiving because we looked happy in that photo. But at the time, I was feeling anything but happiness.

I finally closed it and sighed before getting up and lighting my cigarette by the window.

I stared out at the cloudy skies over the lake and kept thinking how fucked up my life was before Louis had walked in. It was all there for me to see... Darren made sure of that.

My mind kept drifting back to other moments in time where I was younger and we were just becoming good friends... I kept thinking how drastically we both changed in nearly 3 short years. Maybe drugs had a lot to do with it, yeah, but I think the realization of the truth was what made me change finally; to stop being the naive little boy I was.

And I couldn't help but think that's why Darren changed; he began to see more and more that I was pushing him away... that I wanted to go my own way. Which, in return, only caused him to push himself on me harder.

I heard someone knock on the door as I broke away from my thoughts.

Louis opened it all the way, "hey, love. Just checking on you."

"I'm fine," I reassured him and blew out my smoke, "I... I haven't gone to sleep yet... I was, uh..."

"It's ok," Louis said quickly, "I understand..."

"What?" I asked confused.

"I... I seen you with the computer so I was giving you a few minutes," he explained quietly, "I mean, I don't blame you for wanting to know what's on there."

"Oh," I said and looked away, "yeah, well, figured I might as well."

"Can I... can I do anything?" He asked me sounding helpless.

I turned back to him and smiled a little, "if you want, you can lay down with me. I wouldn't mind the company."

"Uh, alright," he chuckled a little and shut the bedroom door before walking over and lighting a cigarette too.

I watched him exhale his smoke and fix the front of his fringe while I smiled over at him.

"What?" He asked.

"Nothing," I shrugged a little, "you just look adorable when you fix your hair like that."

Louis looked to be blushing a little as he licked his lips and grinned a little, "thank you, I suppose."

I smirked and glanced back out of the window taking in a deep breath.

"You going to be alright?" Louis asked while he looked up at me.

"Yeah," I nodded slowly, "I think I will be. I think we will be."

Louis' eyes crinkled when he smiled this time, true happiness on his face, "I think so, too. You're gonna come out of this stronger than you probably even know, Harold."

"I hope so," I whispered to him, his arm embracing me and pulling me close to him. I closed my eyes and lay my head against his, breathing in what was beginning to feel like home.


	25. Chapter 25

Harry Styles

 

  
I woke up a few hours later, the clock beside the bed said nearly 6. I hadn't realized I slept that long.

Louis wasn't beside me either. I got up slowly and threw my pants back on before finding a plain black t-shirt and slipping it on. I picked up my phone and seen 4 more messages from Darren, all asking me nearly the exact same thing: how was the vacation going.

I sighed, mumbling curse words under my breath, and skipped his and went to Gemma's messages. I missed my sister.

We hadn't kept touch in years and after finally confessing everything to her, I felt like things were finally right between us again; that I had my relationship with my sister back.

But I worried about her every day I was here now. Would they come looking for me at her place? She hadn't had any problems from anyone and I was only hoping it would stay that way.

I pushed my hair back and rubbed my eyes after I finished my text to her, asking how she was and to tell our mum I would come to Holmes Chapel.

I felt a bit of nervousness growing in me at the thought of seeing my mum again. It had been so long since I had.

My mum was amazing and one of the most understanding and supportive mums I had ever known. And deep down, I knew she'd understand this; I just didn't want her to be disappointed in me for the choices I had made in the past.

Hopefully once she met Louis, she wouldn't be so disappointed. After all, he was the best thing that could've ever happened to me. And I'm sure my mum would see that, just like Jay had when she first met me.

I slipped my phone in my back pocket and slowly headed downstairs where I heard laughter from the guys and Sophia.

"Why didn't anyone wake me?" I spoke up when I reached the bottom, all of their eyes turning to me from the living area.

"Hey, love," Louis smiled at me before turning back to the game he, Niall, and Liam were now playing, "you looked too peaceful, so I let you sleep. Seems you needed it."

"I always need it," I yawned and stood behind the sofa watching their game, my hands on Louis' shoulders massaging them gently.

"I can't concentrate," Louis smirked up at me.

I just smiled down at him and kissed his forehead gently, "I'm starved. Why hasn't anyone cooked?"

"Yeah, why hasn't anyone?" Niall spoke up next.

"You've sat there and ate chips, cookies, even cereal, Horan," Louis laughed, "how can you possibly be hungry still?"

"I'm always up for food," Niall shrugged before screaming, "Liam, you dick! You knew I was hiding there and you killed me!"

Liam just laughed while Sophia was sat in his lap watching their game of war.

"Maybe you shouldn't always hide in the same spot," Zayn spoke up looking across at Niall, "that's like the 3rd time you've hid there."

"You're not suppose to hide at all," Louis interrupted, "if you'd play like Payno and me you wouldn't be losing right now."

I smirked and walked to the kitchen while they argued over the game. I looked through the cabinets but nothing sounded appealing to me.

"Niall, how far is the Chinese place?" I asked looking back at him.

"Uh, it's not even 20 minutes," he replied, "the number is by the fridge still, if you wanna order it."

"Chinese sounds amazing," Louis called back and I smiled a little while I dialed the number.

After I had put in our order I walked out on the deck and lit a joint, taking a huge hit before sighing it out slowly.

"Share please," Louis said immediately as he stepped out, Zayn behind him.

"Thought you were too busy killing Niall?" I smirked and handed it to him.

"Jealous?" Louis grinned and laughed.

"Yes, of course," I nodded, "I want you to battle with me and kill me over and over. Sounds so fun."

Zayn snickered as Louis passed him the joint next.

"You don't like Black Ops?" Louis asked me.

"What? Yeah, of course I do," I replied, "if you never noticed, I had an Xbox in my room in the house... it had that game."

"I don't think I ever did notice it," Louis sounded like he was thinking out loud, "but then again, you kept me quite distracted... I don't think we even watched tv in your room, Harold."

"We didn't," I smiled a little.

"We did stay up playing one night, though, until like 3 or 4 am, wasn't it?" Zayn asked looking at me.

I took the joint from him and nodded before exhaling my hit, "we did, yeah. I remember beating the hell out of you."

Zayn grinned, "you are better than me, yeah."

"I need to play you, then," Louis looked smug as he smiled scrunching up his nose.

"He'll beat you," Zayn laughed looking at me.

"How do you know?" I asked, "what if you're just really bad at it?"

"Hey, that's not nice," Zayn pointed at me.

"I played Zayn earlier... he's average," Louis spoke up snickering at Zayn.

"Thanks for that, Louis," Zayn nodded, "can always count on you, you ass."

Louis kept giggling as he lit a cigarette.

"We're gonna go see my mum," I managed to say after a few seconds of silence.

"Are you?" Zayn asked.

I nodded and glanced at Louis, "yeah, Gemma asked if I could. I told her earlier we would be definitely. So, I guess we'll leave here and go straight there... for a few days."

"Good," Zayn nodded, "you need to. Plus, you're getting more time away from London that way."

"Yeah," I mumbled and looked out at the lake. "Wish I didn't have to go back at all honestly."

"Who says you have to?" Louis asked softly. I turned to him, his eyes staying on me, "I mean, you're already pulling out of school..."

"Where would I live?" I asked smiling, "what... do I move back home with mum?"

"I was sorta hoping it would be both of us," Louis said quietly, "and it doesn't have to be Holmes Chapel. It could be Donny, you know."

I chuckled a little, "you want us to move to Doncaster together?"

"Sounds nice to me," he replied, "away from everyone, everything..."

"It is a nice thought," I whispered, earning a smile from Louis, "I wish we could do that, honestly."

"We'd never see you lads," Zayn laughed, "you can't just move off like that..."

"That part would suck," I nodded, "I mean, we've lived together for so long. It'd feel weird being hours away from you guys."

"How about a flat just a few blocks away?" Louis suggested, one hand buried in his pants and the other holding the cigarette between his fingers.

"I like the sound of that," I smiled, "it'd be nice to maybe just walk over..."

"That would be," Zayn nodded, "Liam will probably move in with Sophia soon anyways. But Niall and I can keep it."

"You'll enjoy the room, I'm sure," I laughed.

"Well, we had plenty of room at the other house," Zayn shrugged. "We barely ever were home at the same time, anyways."

"That is true," I said quieter and pushed my hair back. "I stayed gone more than anyone. I hate that now."

"Hey, we make bad decisions, Harry," Zayn said softly, "it's not a big deal."

"Louis, rematch!" I heard Liam yelling from the sofa.

"Really, Payno? You've beat me like 3 times," Louis sighed and looked at me, "want me to go with you to town?"

"Uh, no, you can stay and play if you want," I smiled at him, "I won't be long anyways."

"I'll go," Zayn spoke up, "I'm not doing anything."

I nodded a little and headed inside and upstairs to put on some clothes. Louis was back on the sofa playing as I changed and threw on my boots grabbing my wallet last.

"Want me to drive?" Zayn offered.

"Sure," I replied and looked over at Louis, "be back soon."

"Be careful, love," Louis looked back at me winking.

I smiled and followed Zayn out the front door to the SUV.

"Shit, Sophia wanted us to pick up some margarita mix," Zayn sighed as we drove.

"There's a store right there next to the place," I said, "we can swing in there."

"Right," he nodded a little and seemed uncomfortable.

"You ok?" I asked raising my eyebrow.

"Yeah...," he replied quietly, "can I ask you something, Harry?"

I bit my lip but agreed.

"You went to see Darren the other night, didn't you?" He asked. I knew that's what was coming. I knew as soon as he said he would go with me.

"Zayn," I started slowly.

"A yes is fine," he interrupted.

I looked back at him, "yeah, I did... only because I wanted him to understand."

"Understand," he nodded, "understand what, Harry? That even though you have Louis you're gonna find excuses to see him?"

"No," I said immediately, "I told him I was done, ok? He's been texting me nonstop since I got here too and I honestly didn't say a word to him about where I was going."

"Then, how does he keep finding out?" He asked.

"I don't know," I replied, "are you implying that I'm telling him where I am?"

"No," he sighed out, "someone has to be, Harry... someone who is watching your every move."

"Besides Darren himself?" I asked with a groan, "who knows... maybe he's found ways to figure it out every time."

Zayn sat quiet again, and all I could feel was tension.

"Harry," he started slowly. I glanced back at him as he watched the road in front of us, "don't throw away what you have with Louis... for him."

"Are... are you serious right now?" I asked irritably, "do you think I'd do that?"

"Look, I didn't know half the shit about the two of you," he started getting defensive, "I have questioned it, yeah. I've questioned everything now because I didn't get told the truth..."

"So, you think I'm lying to you now, right?" I asked, "I did see him, alright? But it's not happening again..."

"Don't," Zayn said seriously, "don't even say that... you and I both know it isn't true, Harry."

I started to say something then sighed in defeat and glanced back out the window.

Nothing else was said about it before we reached the Chinese restaurant. I picked up the food, then we went to the store for Sophia's mix.

I was waiting in line to pay, Zayn in the car on his phone. I smelled a familiar scent: it was Darren's cologne... the one he had always worn when we went places together.

It was a popular cologne and I knew that but I still felt like something wasn't right.

I glanced around slowly while I waited behind someone else. I glanced over my shoulder for just a second and seen him, standing behind me.

The person in front of me was done and I stepped up to pay, pretending he wasn't standing right behind me.

How had he found me? How had he known I was at this exact location?

"Thank you," I took my change and started to walk out before he grabbed my arm.

"Harry, I wanna talk to you please," he said quietly.

I stared at him, pulling my arm away, "I don't want to talk to you. What are you even doing here? Leave me the fuck alone or I'll call the police, alright? Get away from me."

Several people were staring but I paid no mind. I put my sunglasses back on and hurried out of the store.

Zayn looked at me funny as I climbed back in, "what's the matter?"

"He's in there," I replied and pushed my hair back, "how did he fucking know?!"

"Calm down," Zayn said looking back at the store, "I'll wait for him if you want me to... we can take him together, Harry."

"In broad daylight? Are you mad?" I nearly yelled before regaining my composure, "no, just... just go please. Get me away before he tries to follow us back."

Zayn reluctantly agreed and drove out of the parking lot, his eyes on the store behind us.

"How did he fucking know, Zayn?" I asked looking back at him. "How did he know I was in that exact location?"

Zayn stayed quiet while I unleashed the rage burning all inside of me.

"This is bull shit," I exclaimed, "I can't live a life without someone tailing me everywhere I go. I don't fucking get this."

"Harry," he started slowly, "you've gotta break all contact with him..."

"How many times have I?" I yelled back, "I've tried so many times... this is the furthest I have gone to get away from him and he still shows up..."

"You went and fucking saw him!" Zayn shouted back.

"So, because I went and saw him and I agreed to do it one last time so he'd leave me the fuck alone, that makes it ok for him to continue to stalk me and follow me to different fucking countries?!" I yelled back.

Zayn lit a cigarette and sighed, "no, it doesn't make it ok."

"I've tried going without contact before, remember?" I asked quietly, "when you asked me why I hadn't invited Darren to the pub or anywhere else..."

"You had Jeff most of the time," Zayn interrupted.

"I did, yeah," I nodded a little, "and I went a week without calling, texting or seeing Darren... and he still came and found me... do you remember that?"

Zayn nodded a little, "I do, yeah."

I sighed and rubbed my face, "it's driving me crazy..."

Zayn looked over at me, "I know it is. Everyone knows it is, Harry. So, let's find a way to get rid of him..."

"I don't know how to do that," I mumbled, "we can't kill him..."

"I'd like to," Zayn nodded, "and I'm not one for that... I can fight, yeah, but I can't just kill someone... but after what he's done to you, I think it would be easy to."

I looked back up at him, "thanks, I guess."

"He's a fucking psycho who doesn't deserve to live," he said lowly, "and if you keep going to him, I'm done, Harry. I won't help you anymore when you keep putting yourself in the situation."

I nodded a little and whispered, "I respect that... I don't want anything to do with him, Zayn. I really don't. I'm done trying to see what I used to see in him. I'm done making excuses for the way he's acted."

Zayn patted my shoulder gently, "good. Cause you deserve better. Louis deserves better. You know that."

"We... we haven't even been together that long," I spoke softer as I lit a cigarette.

"I don't guess that matters," Zayn smirked, "apparently you just knew. Hell, it took weeks and weeks for you and Jeff to give it a go..."

"That was different," I said, "Jeff was Darren's friend, remember? It was nearly impossible to do anything..."

"You found ways, I'm sure," Zayn smiled a little.

"We did," I whispered, "there were a lot of times where I'd tell Darren I was with someone, like you or Niall, but I was with Jeff."

"I remember," Zayn started with a small laugh, "cause I got called by Darren once... told him you were asleep..."

"Niall did that before as well," I replied, "he probably figured that out pretty quickly... he never told me he did though, so who knows."

Zayn nodded a little and we both seemed to drift back into our own thoughts for the ride back.

After I had gotten out at the house, I stopped Zayn for a second, "don't tell Louis about him being here, alright?"

"I won't," Zayn said, "Louis would probably kill him."

"Exactly," I said lowly as we walked back up to the house.

"It's a crazy idea," I heard Niall nearly yelling from the front deck when I walked into the kitchen.

"What are they going on about out there?" I asked Sophia who was grabbing plates.

"Not sure," she smiled at me, "Louis said something about a tattoo, I think."

I looked back out at Louis, Liam, and Niall standing there discussing it, Louis looking absolutely pleased with himself for some reason. He had the most smug look I had ever seen. What was he even going on about?

"You got my mix, thank you," Sophia smiled and took it from me.

"No problem, it was right next to the restaurant," I said smiling, "so, is Liam ever going to pop the question to you?"

"I wish I knew," she laughed, "you know how he is..."

"He wants to," I said smiling at her, "but yeah, he thinks he needs to be responsible and have a job and shit before he can... he needs to learn to take life as it is given."

"Maybe you should teach him," she smiled and began pouring the mix in the blender.

"Maybe I should," I nodded, Liam walking in. I made sure to say the next part louder for him. "Because I think you need a nice big rock on that finger of yours."

"What the bloody hell?" Liam asked walking up beside me. I couldn't help but smirk at him, "what are you doing?"

"He's playing wedding planner," Zayn spoke up smiling at me.

"What? I just think it's past time that you asked this beautiful woman to marry you," I told Liam.

"Are you high?" Liam asked smiling.

"No, actually, but I wish I was," I smiled back, noticing Louis standing behind him, his grin going from ear to ear. I loved when he looked at me like that.

"You're encouraging commitment," Niall said from beside Louis, "that's a first for you."

"Not true," I smiled innocently.

"No, that is definitely a first," Zayn spoke up next, "you've always talked about being free..."

"When you find the right person though, what's the point in being free if you don't have them by your side?" I asked quietly.

Louis' face lit up and I could see that smile that made his eyes crinkle up as he stood there staring at me.

"Alright, Cupid, go somewhere else," Liam laughed and patted my shoulder.

"Fine. I see when I'm not welcome," I said back and threw my hands up and walked off.

"Could you be any more gay?" Niall burst out laughing as I strutted away.

"I think that was his goal," Louis smirked and followed me outside. "You are something else."

"Am I?" I smiled at him while I pulled out a joint and lit it, "well, they've been together ages. He needs to just ask her already."

"You really have never been one for commitments, have you?" Lou asked his eyes watching me.

I shook my head, "not really, no. You seen that from day one."

"I did," he said, before smirking, "which is why I'm quite shocked I'm even here with you."

"Commitment isn't such a bad thing," I exhaled my smoke slowly and turned back to him, "if it's with the right person."

He grinned, pursing his lips together, "suppose you're right."

"So, what tattoo you getting?" I raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Who said I was?" He laughed.

"Sophia," I replied, "heard Niall saying it was a crazy idea."

"It is pretty stupid," Louis chuckled a little, "uh, you'll just have to wait and see, alright?"

"What? Why?" I asked confused, "you can't tell me?"

"I want you to go with me," he said, "and you can see it when it's done."

"Why do I have to wait?" I whined a little.

"Because," Louis replied before wrapping an arm around me, "look, the appointment is tomorrow pretty early so you won't have to wait too long, alright?"

"Fine," I groaned.

Louis smiled and kissed me before pushing my hair back, "how about Chinese in bed, yeah?"

"Yeah," I grinned at him, "sounds perfect to me."

...And we did just that. We sat in our room with our Chinese food, the lights off, the tele on with some horrible B rated movie playing but Louis and I laughed along anyway.

We even finished dinner, smoked another joint together out of the window, then lay down completely naked, our bodies entwined with one another's. My head was rested on his chest while he played with my curls and breathed slowly under me. I could feel his heart beating while I lay there.

He would laugh every few minutes to different parts of the movie and I couldn't help but smile into his chest each time he laughed.

Louis was the best person I could have ever asked to meet. He was so many things in one. He could be an ass, but he was so caring. He was so gentle. His mannerisms, his behavior; it was all inside this little lad from Doncaster. Everything that I could've hoped for in a person was inside of Louis Tomlinson.

He had his tiny fingers tracing up and down my back while we lay there with nothing but the quiet sound of the movie.

"You tired yet, love?" He asked me.

"Not too bad," I replied, "that nap kinda ruined me. But if I keep laying like this, it won't be long, I'm sure. You're quite comfortable."

"I am?" Louis looked down at me, "figured I was too small for you."

"What?" I raised up and asked with a smile.

"Well, every other guy has been like your height and weight or more," he smirked, "I don't fit in your usual profile of men."

"You are the profile," I stated confidently, "you are the exact profile, Lou. You have no idea."

"I was only kidding," he whispered smiling, "but that is good to know, love."

I snuggled into his neck next while he kept snickering above me. He placed one hand around me and the other was playing with my curls again, twisting them and watching them fall before doing it again.

His touch was so relaxing and soothing and my eyes began to get heavy.

"Louis," I whispered.

"Yeah, babe," he said back softly.

"I love you," I managed to say before holding him tighter with my arm that was wrapped over his stomach.

"I love you, too, Harry," I could hear the grin in his voice as he said those words back to me.

His hand gently caressed over my bare back until I finally fell asleep in his arms; the only place I wanted to be now.


	26. Chapter 26

_(flashbacks in italics)_

Harry Styles

  
_Darren was putting out a line on his dresser while I stood still watching him._

_"It's not that bad," he smiled at me, "just burns a little."_

_"I don't know," I started as I stared at it, "I'm not sure I want to..."_

_"Oh, come on, you'll like it," he said handing me a small straw._

_I held it between my fingers for a few seconds. Darren crossed his arms and smiled at me and I finally got the courage to do it._

_I closed my eyes as I held my nose afterwards. It burned to the point my eyes began to water._

_"You alright?" Darren laughed._

_"That fucking burns," I looked back at him, his laughter getting louder, "Jesus."_

_"Oh, it's not so bad once you're used to it," he grinned._

_The music was booming downstairs while I stood there holding my nose._

_Darren was having a party with a few of his friends; most of them I was friends with now too, though I had only been around him a few months._

_"Feel anything yet?" He asked me._

_I looked around the room, the sound and the lights seeming brighter._

_"I feel a little different, not much," I replied._

_"Give it a few minutes," he smiled and opened the bedroom door._

_We walked back downstairs, people standing everywhere laughing and drinking. I was the youngest person here. The closest person to 18 was Lola, who was 28. I had always been one for older crowds anyways and it was nice having this circle of friends who accepted me like I was._

_I walked outside to where Lola and her friend Rita were standing._

_"Harry, hey," she smiled immediately, "you alright?"_

_I nodded and smiled, "fine. Just... feeling a little out there right now."_

_She giggled and hit her cigarette, "you guys coming with us this weekend?"_

_"Where?" I asked confused as I grabbed her cigarettes._

_"I told Darren about it," she started as Darren walked out behind me._

_"Told me about what?" He asked taking my cigarette and smiling._

_"We're going to Southampton, remember?" She asked him._

_He glanced at me, "oh, yeah. I... I hadn't thought of asking Harry... well, I mean I had._.."

_I smiled back at Lola, "at least you thought of me."_

_"Well, duh, of course," she laughed. "You're like my little brother by now."_

_I grinned and took my cigarette from Darren, "thanks."_

_"I just figured he would've asked you," she pointed to Darren._

_He looked embarrassed almost while he stumbled to answer, "Well, I didn't want him to get in trouble at school..."_

_Lola laughed and threw out her cigarette, "well, Harry, think about it."_

_"Ok," I smiled while they walked back in. I leaned back against the ledge, the effects of the cocaine in full effect._

_Darren was standing there smoking my cigarette again while I grinned over at him._

_"You know I don't buy that school shit, right?" I asked him._

_"Of course not," he smirked at me, "you're too smart."_

_I smiled, "so why didn't you ask me?"_

_"Because I figured you wouldn't want to," he admitted, "I mean, I just wasn't sure. You're still a bit standoff-ish with me."_

_I bit my lip and looked out at the streetlights, not being able to find the right words._

_"But Lola obviously wants you to go," he laughed a little, "and I can take a room with Rita and you can take one with Lola."_

_"A big slumber party," I chuckled a little, Darren's smile widening. "Uh, if it's only a couple of days, yeah. I'll go."_

_"Really?" He asked, "I mean, Lola will enjoy_ having you there."

_"Yeah," I nodded, "but we... we can share a room."_

_He stood completely still while his eyes stayed on mine._

_"You're high, so maybe you should wait until tomorrow to make that decision," he finally laughed._

_"I don't want to," I said quieter, "I'm perfectly capable of making a decision. I don't mind. I don't have any money..."_

_"No, I'll pay," he said immediately, "I'll pay it all."_

_I raised an eyebrow and looked at him confused, "you're gonna pay for my food and everything?"_

_"Room and all," he nodded. "Hell, we can go shopping if you'd like. You've wanted new boots."_

_"How much money do you have?" I blurted out._

_He smiled a little, "I have enough."_

_"You make that much off of what you sell?" I asked._

_"I make a good bit, yeah," he replied, "I have a lot of faithful customers. I think I just made another."_

_"Me?" I asked laughing, "I can't afford it. I can't even afford the weed."_

_"Yeah, well, I help you pay for that anyway," he said, "so, I can help you with the other. Isn't a big deal to me."_

_"Wow," I said almost laughing. "Uh, I don't want you to have to pay for the room and all the food too. Maybe I can come up with the money..."_

_"No," he said back, "I offered. I'll pay."_

_I nodded a little, "ok. Then, I'll go."_

_He grinned a little, "alright, great."_

_I smiled at him and headed back in, him following right behind me._

_________________________

I sat in the floor, my back against the bed and the laptop in my lap. Louis was snoring in the bed above me as I sat there staring at photos from the first few months with Darren. I had scrolled all the way back to the beginning of the blog. He had made it 2 months after we had started talking again.

He had photos of his party with his friends, and mine too by then. It was the weekend before we all went to Southampton for 5 days in a hotel that overlooked Southampton Water. Lola and I were posing in one, then Darren and I in another.

He had just introduced me to the world of harder drugs. I had smoked weed with him, but trying more was something I hadn't done until that party. Unfortunately, it only was the beginning of a bad road for me. I only got worse from that point because he offered me endless choices. Soon, I didn't make choices; I kept all of it on me.

He had also just begun to show who he was to me. He had just admitted to me that he sold all of these different things, and he made a lot off of them.

It was the beginning of his endless spending on me... the beginning of his obsession with me. Then, he wasn't all that bad. Yeah, he was keeping tabs on my location then, although I didn't find that out till later on, but he and I weren't really doing much at the time; not yet.

That changed in Southampton.

__________________________

_"The view is amazing!" Lola was shrieking as she stared out the oversized window in the living area of the presidential suite._

_I still couldn't believe he had booked this... for just the 4 of us. Some of our other friends were staying in the deluxe rooms while we stayed in this huge suite. It had its own patio and even tables outside that overlooked the harbor._

_"We're taking the sofa, right?" Rita asked._

_"Yeah, if you're alright with it," Darren replied opening the bedroom door, "wow. This is amazing."_

_I followed in behind him, taking in how gigantic this room was._

_"I can't believe you booked this," I said while I sat my bag down and peered out the sliding window that led out to the patio._

_"Hey, if we're gonna live it up here, we're going to do it in style, Styles," he winked at me._

_I laughed and sat down on the bed. I had stayed with him before, countless of times actually. But I still wasn't sure whether or not I was ready to give in to him again._

_"You know, I can take the sofa and let you and the girls take the bed," he started, "it's big enough for all 3 of you."_

_"Uh," I laughed, "no, it's ok. I... I don't mind."_

_He smiled a little and sat his bag down next to mine._

_That night, we all got wasted at a pub not too far from the hotel thankfully as we were all drunk and there was no way any of us could drive._

_Darren and I headed back before Lola and Rita. They chose to go out clubbing with some of the others that had come._

_Darren unlocked the door for us and I stumbled in trying to take my coat off._

_"Let me," he smiled and slipped it off for me. "You sure you drank enough, Harry?"_

_"Fuck you," I replied while he just laughed at me._

_I went to the bedroom and collapsed face down on the bed, "I'm gonna feel like shit tomorrow."_

_"Hey, I have plenty of things to take your mind off of it," he laughed and pulled out a small case._

_"You brought that shit with you?" I asked slowly, "are you not afraid of getting caught?"_

_"What? No," he replied, "I usually carry shit with me everywhere."_

_"What do you have?" I asked raising an eyebrow ._

_"What do you want?" He looked back at me smiling slyly._

_"I don't know," I laughed, "something that'll not kill me cause I'm already drunk."_

_He grinned and pulled out a joint, "we'll just stick with this then."_

_"Are you going to light that outside? Aren't you afraid someone will smell it?" I asked while I sat up and watched him opening the glass door._

_"No," he smirked, "no one else is around our balcony. Come on."_

_I followed him out and we both smoked it while standing in silence. I was watching the moonlight on the harbor, several boats docked out there. Darren's eyes, however, were on me. I could feel them on me._

_"I'm glad you came," he whispered._

_I looked back at him, "I... I am too."_

_He took his hand and gently caressed over my cheek, his eyes glancing down to my lips. He wanted me and I knew it. But then again, he always wanted me. I just never gave in._

_I kept my eyes on his while he moved in closer to me, sliding his hands around my waist slowly. I stood frozen as he leaned in and gently kissed my neck._

_"I... I don't know if I wanna do this," I managed to get out._

_He stopped and looked at me, "you wanted to share a room."_

_"I know," I started, "I'm just... I'm not sure if I want to..."_

_"Harry, it's alright," he interrupted smiling a little, "I'll even let you call the shots, alright?"_

_I bit my lip and thought it over in my head. I knew what was going to happen; even though I was drunk I knew what memories were going to resurface once I slept with him._

_"Ok," I finally agreed, though I was still torn. I wanted it, but part of me kept saying no._

_He grinned and kissed me gently, pulling my body into his._

_A few seconds later, I had forgotten about the voice that kept telling me no. Instead, I only heard the one that told me how bad I wanted it._

_We went back inside, Darren closing the bedroom door while I began undressing slowly. My fingers fumbled with the buttons and he noticed._

_"Can't believe you can't hold your liquor better than this," he smirked and began unbuttoning my shirt for me._

_He pulled it off slowly, then his lips were back on my neck working their way down my chest._

_I closed my eyes and got lost in the moment. He began pulling at my jeans until he finally got them off._

_I lay down on the bed while he undressed, his eyes on me the entire time. Then, he climbed in bed, straddling me before crashing his lips into mine again._

_I was drunk, I was high, but as soon as he had me pinned down on the bed fucking me, the memories of when I was 16 came flooding back into my mind. I didn't tell him to stop though. In fact, a few minutes into it, those memories faded out and I finally allowed myself to enjoy it._

_____________________________

There it was: the photo of Darren and I standing on the balcony of our suite in Southampton. I knew it would be on his blog somewhere. He had always said that was his favorite trip with me because I had finally stopped pushing him away so much.

I had sex with him again; that started a downward spiral of events. It pushed his obsession, and his willingness to give me everything. At first, I really did enjoy it. I remembered being afraid to do it again because I knew what it would make me think of, but it became the opposite. Darren had me so fooled by this point that I actually became a sex freak; I wanted to do it all the time and everywhere with him. He had me convinced he was a different person then.

We spent 5 days there and for all 5 days, he and I fucked at least once a day. In fact, 1 night I had gotten too high and ended up in bed with him and one of his friends. We all had gotten high together and the next morning I woke up in between the 2 of them wondering what the hell I had done.

That was one of only a handful of times that another person was involved with Darren and I. It got to the point that he became really jealous; he didn't like the idea of me with anyone else besides him.

He made that apparent when I started working with Zayn and making money that way.

__________________________

_"I can't tonight. I already made plans,"  I told Darren while I put on my shirt._

_"Plans," he almost groaned while he lay there naked in the bed watching me, "let me guess... another date?"_

_"So, what if it is?" I asked him, "I'm just doing it for the money, alright?"_

_"I give you everything you need," he sat up some, "so, why do you need money?"_

_"I don't ask you to give me everything," I replied quietly, "I never have."_

_"Yeah, but I do still," he said as he lit a cigarette and sat back against the headboard of his bed, "why can't what I give you be enough?"_

_"Because I want to earn my own," I almost snapped at him, "alright? Is that such a bad_ thing?"

_"Then, get a normal job," he said, "you don't have to be a whore to make money."_

_"Fuck you," I said back and fixed my hair in his mirror._

_"Well, what would you call yourself, Harry?" He asked irritably, "how are you any better than the whores that wait on street corners?"_

_"Why are you so jealous?" I nearly shouted at him as I turned to face him._

_"Jealous?" He nearly laughed, "you think I'm jealous?"_

_"Given that you have something to say every single fucking time I go out with someone, yeah," I nodded feeling the anger growing in me, "I'm perfectly capable of making my own_ decisions. I don't need you telling me what to do."

_"Right," he nodded a little, "I forget you're a big boy now."_

_I sighed and picked up my things while he got up._

_"Come by when you're done," he said softer._

_"No," I snapped, "I'm not. I'm going back to the house because I told Niall I'd be back tonight."_

_"Who the fuck cares what you told him?" He asked._

_"I do," I nearly screamed, "just drop it, alright? I'll... I'll see you tomorrow or something..."_

_He stepped over and grabbed my shoulders, his cold eyes staring into mine, "then, I'll come to the house. After all, it is mine anyways."_

_"How many times are you going to throw that in my face?" I asked him. I wasn't scared of him. I had been in plenty of fights with him by now. "You always use that as your excuse. I never asked you to fucking buy it."_

_"I never asked you to sleep with loads of other guys either. But I shouldn't have expected so much from a whore like you," he replied, his tone changing completely._

_I had shoved him off and punched him before I had even realized it. It didn't do any good because his fists started flying at me until he finally knocked me back into his dresser. I tried shoving his hands off of me while he kept me pinned there._

_"Why the temper? You know it's fucking true," he said in my face._

_"Get the fuck off of me!" I yelled back before I finally pushed him away. Darren was strong, yeah, but in most cases, I was stronger._

_He stood back, wiping the blood from his lip but keeping his eyes on me._

_"You know what's fucking true?" I asked, "the fact that you think you own me. You don't own me. You never have."_

_He smiled a little, "I do own you."_

_"No, you don't," I replied seriously, "you may think that but you don't..."_

_"Really?" He laughed, "you live in a house I bought you. You drive a car I bought you. I've given you everything."_

_"I didn't ask for it!" I shouted back, "I never wanted any of it!"_

_His phone sounded from the bedside table and he glanced over at it. I grabbed my keys and opened the bedroom door, taking the chance to leave._

_"Harry!" He yelled after me as I hurried downstairs to the front door._

_"Leave me the fuck alone," I called back, "alright? If you want your shit back you can have it!"_

_"Would you just stop and listen to me for a minute," he was saying as he came downstairs._

_I opened the door and glanced back at him, "no_. I'm done trying to listen to you."

_I could feel his eyes on me as I walked out, slamming his door behind me. I didn't care if the neighbors heard. Hell, they had heard our fights before, I was sure of it._

_I got in the car and sat there trying to contain myself. I closed my eyes and sighed, wondering how the hell I had ever managed to get in this deep with him._

__________________________

I stared at the photo of us at his flat; we had stayed in bed all day getting high until I had to meet someone for a job. Darren's true colors always shown when I had to leave and go out with someone. He despised me for it, calling me a whore and a slut more than just a few times. It happened all the time.

I sat and wondered how I even went back to him after the things he said to me and done to me. He was always trying to tear me down intentionally after I had begun working with Zayn. Yet, I still was stupid enough to turn around and go back to him every time.

Why had I? Why had I always continued to put myself through that? No one deserved to be treated that way; to not only be physically attacked, but mentally as well.

I rubbed my eyes and pushed my hair back before looking at the time; it was nearly 5 am. I had woken up at 3 not being able to sleep any longer. I blamed the long nap I had the afternoon before.

Louis was still snoring lightly from the bed as I got up, closing the computer and sitting it back on the table. I picked up my phone and seen his texts again. He hadn't stopped yet.

I still couldn't figure out how he knew where I was. How had he known I would be at that particular store? Or did he just get fortunate enough to run across me? I knew he was only here in Dublin because of me. I just couldn't figure out how he always managed to know my whereabouts. It was scary knowing that no matter where I went he would always find me. How did I stop him?

I knew there was no way I was going back to sleep, so I found my swimming trunks and decided to go for a dip in the hot tub outside.

I grabbed my cigarettes after changing and looked back at Louis who was still sleeping. He was so beautiful.

If I had known him years ago, I felt like my future would've been different. I felt like we would've been living a life together, both of us having jobs and paying the rent on the flat we shared.

Why couldn't I have met him sooner? Why couldn't I have met him at 16? I knew my life would've turned out so much better if I had.

Maybe if I had met him at 16, Darren would've never walked into my life. I would've been spared everything he put me through, everything I put myself through.

I couldn't put all the blame on Darren. After all, I was naive enough to believe him when he told me he was sorry. I was naive enough to go back to him after he had attacked me every time. I was to blame for a lot of it, I knew.

 

I blamed myself for all of it honestly. I had the chance to change my future at 16, but I didn't. Now, I was stuck with him stalking me, constantly texting me... I didn't want to live my life that way anymore.

I wanted a future with the man who was asleep a few feet from me. I wanted to wake up to him every day, no worries or cares.

I wanted Louis and I to have a life without stress or interference from anyone. I didn't know how that was even possible though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	27. Chapter 27

Louis Tomlinson

 

 

"They're coming by today," I heard Niall saying in the hall as I sat up and looked around.

Harry obviously was up, I heard his voice seconds later in the kitchen yelling about needing more time to prep his meal.

I smiled to myself and threw on my sweats before heading downstairs. Harry was standing in the kitchen, his hair in a bun and wet and swimming trunks on.

"Well, well, well," I smiled at him causing him to turn around from the stove.

"Look who's awake," he grinned, "slept well?"

"Slept wonderful," I nodded, "you're cooking?"

"Of course," he replied.

"In swimming trunks," I smirked looking down at them on him.

"You seem to like them," he grinned at me. "Maybe I should change. Wouldn't want you walking around all bothered..."

"Oh, spare me," I joked and rolled my eyes, Harry laughing at me. I watched him cooking oatmeal, his wet strands of hair pushed behind his ear. I smiled as I studied him, "it's not fair that you can look this amazing first thing in the morning."

He looked back, chuckling a little, "uh, wow, what a line."

"It's not a line," I snapped smiling, "it's the truth."

"Sounds like a line to me," Harry shrugged smiling.

"I don't have to use lines on you," I said back, "you're already whipped by my accent, remember?"

"Your accent is amazing," he nodded and grinned a little.

I smiled as Niall and Zayn walked in from outside.

"Morning, fellas," Niall beamed at us. How he was such a morning person, I wasn't sure.

"Your parents coming tonight?" I asked.

"Yep," he nodded, "Harry's gonna start cooking for them in a bit."

"Alright, well, I can go to my appointment alone," I said, Harry turning to me.

"Your tattoo appointment; what time is it?" He asked.

"It's at 2," I replied, "shouldn't take but maybe about 2 hours or so?"

"Oh, I'll have plenty of time, then," Harry smiled again, "you think I'm not going?"

"Uh, well, I figured you would," I said back.

"He's having 2 pieces done," Niall spoke up.

"Yeah, shut it now," I pointed at him, "don't open your mouth, Horan."

"I'm not," he laughed.

"The one time I need you to talk too much, you let me down, Niall," Harry shook his head and sighed.

Niall just laughed and headed upstairs while Zayn made coffee.

"Has he texted you?" I heard Zayn almost whisper.

Harry nodded his head a little while I stood there wondering if I was meant to hear this conversation.

"What's going on?" I decided to ask.

Harry and Zayn looked over at me.

"Nothing," Harry said slowly, "uh, I didn't tell you that we seen Darren yesterday."

I stood still, my mouth falling open, "uh, no, you didn't, love."

Zayn looked over at me, "he didn't want you trying to find the bastard, alright?"

"Really?" I nearly snapped at Zayn.

"Stop," Harry sighed.

"Yeah, really," Zayn said back louder, "come on, Louis, you know you'd go looking for him..."

"So would you," I said back, "you'd be asking me to go with you actually. Just like you did to get revenge the other night."

Harry looked at me confused and I sighed and rubbed my head, knowing I shouldn't have said it. But I was pissed that Harry had kept this from me. It pissed me off more that it was Zayn and he that were holding that secret.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Harry asked me.

"I told him I needed money," I started looking at Zayn who didn't look nearly as upset as I did, "we came up with the plan to rob Darren's... he wasn't blackmailing Zayn at all."

Harry stared at me, not even blinking, "you what?"

"Harry, it was my idea," Zayn spoke up, "I thought... I thought the bastard deserved a little taste of karma for once."

Harry turned the food off and picked up the cigarettes from the counter before going outside. He was pissed.

"Way to go," Zayn looked back at me.

"Look, I'm sorry, alright?" I almost yelled, "I never should've gone along with it in the first place."

I walked outside to find Harry. He was seated on the hot tub, his feet in the water as he exhaled a hit of his cigarette.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"It's fine," he mumbled.

"It's not fine. You're pissed at me," I sighed as I stared at him.

"I'm not," he looked back, "I'm not really. You could've just told me though. I would've went along with it anyways."

"You would've?" I asked.

"He kinda did deserve it," Harry said staring down at the jets of water.

"I should've just told you," I nodded, "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," he replied lowly, "thanks for telling me now at least."

I stared at him confused. His attitude had changed. He looked more than pissed off inside but now he was acting as if it weren't a big deal at all.

"You seemed pretty pissed inside," I managed to say.

He sighed, "yeah, I was. I... I just stopped myself. No point in being pissed over it."

I nodded a little. Why did this not feel right all of a sudden?

"So," he smiled a little, "what's your tattoos?"

"Way to change the subject," I rolled my eyes but smiled.

"Look, I don't wanna talk about anything else," he said softly, "I wanna hear what you have to say."

I smiled and licked my lip, "you have a way with words, Styles, I must say."

He grinned and reached over to pull me into him, "so, tell me."

"You're getting me wet," I laughed.

"So what?" He smiled and held my waist gently.

"Uh, I'm not... I'm not telling you," I replied smiling off in the distance. "It's a surprise."

He kept his eyes on me, studying me closely, "ok, then."

I smiled a little and looked down. He knew it was something of significance from the way I was acting. I knew he did. I doubted he would have the guts to address it though. But he'd have to after the appointment was over.

It was going on 2 now and Harry and I had just arrived at the tattoo studio. It was quite a small one on the outer parts of Dublin but they came highly recommended.

Harry sat down with his phone while I talked to the artist about the two pieces. He drew them up for me rather quickly. Harry played a guessing game of what I was getting during the drawing process.

"Is it a skull? You seem like a skull person," Harry smirked and chewed his gum.

"That's like the 8th thing you've named," I laughed, "just stop. You're not getting it out of me until it's over and you see it with your eyes."

Harry nodded a little, smiling, "ok, fine."

"Alright, ready?" The artist spoke up.

I got up and Harry headed outside to smoke. I took a seat in the artist's chair while he started going on about the selection.

"So, a compass... why a compass?" He asked while cleaning my arm.

"Uh, well, it's kinda," I started, "it's sorta a matching piece..."

"To the ship on his arm, right?" He asked me smiling.

"Yeah," I nodded, "is it that obvious?"

"Pretty obvious," he laughed, "I did his ship."

My mouth fell open. Harry hadn't told me that. "Are you joking?"

"No," he laughed, "I did. He came in during the summer about 2 years ago. He wanted a ship."

"Wow, that's amazing," I smiled, thinking how ironic this was. I couldn't believe Harry hadn't told me.

"Yeah, I remember him well," he nodded as he began on the outline of what would be my compass. "He was with some dude that looked like he worshipped the ground he walked on."

And the good feeling was now gone. He had gotten the ship here... with Darren. No wonder he hadn't told me.

Harry came in and took a seat smiling over at us.

"You didn't tell me he did your ship," I said looking over at Harry.

He grinned a little as he sat up, "he did, yeah. I thought of telling you that but I figured I'd wait until after I seen what you got."

I smiled a little and looked back down at the beginning stages of this compass.

I had questioned whether I really wanted to do this or not. It was completely insane, but for some reason it wouldn't leave my mind. It felt right. I wasn't sure why.

Harry couldn't sit still in his seat. He kept glancing over trying to see it. He soon gave up and pulled his phone back out. I just smirked and watched him chewing his gum and frowning.

The second one didn't take long at all, given it was just this rope around my wrist. The artist finished and I looked them over, smiling a little.

I was honestly nervous of Harry's reaction. I didn't know what to expect. But as I stood up and smiled at him, I faced the nervousness while his eyes fell straight on the compass.

His eyes met mine again and I wasn't sure what I was seeing; he looked upset, he looked happy.

I paid the artist and we walked outside, Harry stopping me and picking up my arm to look at them. I kept my eyes on his, wondering what he was thinking.

There was a long pause, a long, uncomfortable pause.

"Why did you get that?" He asked slowly, stepping back and not looking at me.

"I think you've probably figured that out," I replied softly. "It's pretty self explanatory. Hell, even he knew it."

"You got that to match me," he nearly whispered, "are you... are you sure you thought that through?"

"Why?" I asked seriously, "Harry, you and I have already talked about moving in together, living together..."

"I know that," he nodded slowly, "but... but what if you decide this won't work? Or you hate me?"

"Are you serious?" I laughed, "Harry, it's just a tattoo."

"It's not just a tattoo," he said back.

His phone sounded and he pulled it out. I immediately glanced around, wondering if Darren was here.

"It's Gemma," he told me, "stop panicking."

"That's not panic," I said, "that's more like 'let me kick his arse.'"

Harry smiled a little before looking at his phone. His face changed completely.

"What's wrong?"

"Gemma said... my car was there," he looked back at me.

"What? But... he's here," I said looking at him confused.

"She said they were watching the place when she left," Harry looked back at me.

"They?" I asked.

"I don't know," he sighed, "how... how could someone else have my car?"

"Unless he's back home?" I asked.

"Let's go," he said and headed up the street to where we had parked. "Gemma's on a plane to mum's... so, I know she's ok..."

"But where is he?" I asked as we walked.

"I don't know," he mumbled, "she said there were 2 guys... that she didn't make out either of their faces."

"Who does he work for?" I asked suddenly.

"What do you mean? The drugs?" He asked looking back at me.

"Yes."

"I honestly don't know," he admitted, "sad, right?"

"So, you knew him this whole time and never knew?" I asked curiously, "that's a bit odd."

"I didn't ask," he replied, "it wasn't something we talked about... just like I didn't talk about mine."

"What if... if he was the one someone was working for?" I asked.

Harry looked back at me, "you think he runs one?"

"Well, given he has as much money as he does, he bought you a fucking mansion and a car," I started, "yeah, I'd say it's quite possible he's the one others are selling it for."

"Seems like I would've known that," he said, "I was around for a lot. Wouldn't I have known?"

"Nothing ever stood out to you?" I asked, "nothing at all?"

"No," he sighed, "he sold them. That's all I know. I would be with him when he'd meet people."

"Ok, but if he did run one, wouldn't he be able to pay someone to, say, find you?" I asked as I unlocked the doors.

Harry got in and sat quiet.

"Harry, if he's still here, who else would be in the car? It makes sense," I said quietly.

"It does," he nodded and sat back, "at least Gemma isn't there now. But... if he knew we were here, why send people there?"

"That I don't know," I replied, "unless he's trying to mess with your head."

Harry looked back at me, "how? By having someone stalk my sister?"

"I don't know," I said, "I would've thought Mark would've been the one to be there..."

Harry got quiet all of a sudden. He looked to be in deep thought.

"She's ok, though," I spoke up, "alright? Let's get back and you can cook one of your dishes."

Harry nodded a little, but looked really upset now.

"Let me see it!" Niall was yelling as soon as I had walked in. Harry shook his head as I took my jacket off and showed Niall. "Oh, it looks wicked. Same detail of the ship."

I glanced over my shoulder at Harry, his eyes already on me.

"Yeah, well, he's a good artist," I managed to say to Niall.

Zayn stepped over and looked next, "looks sick, mate."

"Thanks," I nodded.

Harry hurried upstairs suddenly and Niall looked back at me.

"He alright?"

"Uh, yeah... I think he's upset because there was a car outside Gemma's when she left today," I explained.

"What the fuck?" Zayn asked suddenly, "was it Mark?"

"It was Harry's car," I replied, "so, what do you think?"

"How many people?" Zayn asked.

"2," I said as Harry came back downstairs sniffing but looking high as a kite.

"Did you really bring that with you?" I asked him.

He stopped and looked at me, "I did, why?"

"How'd you get that on the... never mind," I sighed.

Harry continued walking to the front deck.

"Is it possible that Darren is having people sell for him, Malik?" I turned back to Zayn.

"Uh, yeah," he nodded, "I wouldn't know. Did you ask Harry?"

"Harry said he never suspected that... that he sold just like him," I started, "but I'm not so convinced anymore."

Zayn stayed quiet, as did Niall.

"So, if he has people who sell for him, could he have people who'd help him with Harry?" Niall asked quieter.

"I'd say that's a definite possibility," Zayn spoke up. "I wouldn't put it past Darren in the slightest."

"It could've been another car though... I mean, couldn't one of the guys with Mark have one?" Niall asked.

"They don't have cars like that," Zayn replied, "no, that car is fucking expensive. There's not many of them unless you're fucking rich. Cal's gang would never drive something that flashy."

"But yet, Darren, who also sells, buys it for a fucking 19 year old kid," I said seriously, "like he has money to just throw away."

"He wasn't throwing it away," Zayn looked at me, "he was keeping Harry around."

"But that's a ton of money," I sighed, "no one who sells that shit and is afraid of getting caught would buy those sort of things... don't you see?"

Zayn glanced back at me, "you've got a point."

"People who run a drug organization would though," Niall said next, "they do it all the time."

I looked back at Zayn, "well, guess we can say he runs one."

"How did Harry not know that?" Zayn asked.

"Because I'm stupid," Harry spoke up standing in the doorway, "I never questioned why he had so much..."

"Harry, you're not stupid," I started.

"Am I not?" He asked staring at me. "I could've been sleeping with a drug lord the whole time and never even known because I was too blind."

I stayed quiet as Niall shifted uncomfortably. Zayn crossed his arms and stared over at Harry.

"He wouldn't tell you if he was, Harry," Zayn finally said, "he isn't stupid. You were a threat... you could've busted his ass."

"He didn't treat me like a threat," Harry said back.

"Harry, the guy hasn't been honest with you from fucking day one," I started, "he doesn't care about you. He cares about keeping you. That's all he fucking cares about. And I've never in my life witnessed someone who is so obsessed over someone they treat so poorly. It's not about caring; it's about ownership. You should wake up and see that. He doesn't care about how you feel... he cares about keeping your ass around for his enjoyment."

Niall's mouth fell open before he quickly shut it, "uh, I'm gonna go talk to Liam and Sophia outside."

Zayn gave me a nod and took off with Niall, leaving me standing there with Harry.

Harry kept quiet, keeping his head down. He finally pushed his hair back and sighed.

"I can't bite my tongue, I'm sorry," I said softly.

"You shouldn't have to bite your tongue," he replied looking back, "you're right. As much as that hurt to hear, you're right."

Harry started going through the cabinets looking for the ingredients for dinner while I leaned back against the counter and watched him.

"It's going to be alright," I tried to reassure him because he looked absolutely miserable.

"I wanna believe that," he nodded a little but didn't look at me, "I just can't yet."

"I understand," I nodded, "you've put up with the shit for so long, it'd have to be hard to imagine things differently."

Harry didn't say anything.

"Hey, you didn't tell me what you thought of these," I decided to try and enlighten his mood by drawing the attention back to my tattoos.

Harry smiled a little finally, "I think you're an idiot."

"What?" I asked laughing.

"I'm joking," he smiled, "uh, I think... I think they're brilliant actually. I mean, they're your tattoos."

"It scares you that I got them, doesn't it?" I asked staring at him.

"Scares me?" He asked, "no, I wouldn't say it scares me... more like, it just surprises me. I'm not sure why you'd want to do that."

I nodded a little, "I see. I... I guess I thought you would respond a different way."

"I'm honored," he turned to me, "I am. Don't get me wrong. I'm just..."

"Scared of commitment?" I asked, "I mean, they're just tattoos."

"Right, like you went into that studio thinking they were just tattoos," Harry joked.

"Well, no, I didn't," I started, "I knew what I was doing... I chose to."

He nodded a little, a grin crossing his face, "I'm glad you think I'm worth doing that for. I just hope you don't end up hating me or something because you'll regret those."

"I won't regret them," I said quietly, "because in future moments of my life, even if it wasn't with you, I could look at it and smile and remember that curly haired boy who brought me to life... Who actually made me feel alive."

Harry's eyes met mine and he looked like he was at a loss for words.

"That means a lot to me," he spoke quietly, "thank you."

"It's true," I shrugged and went to the fridge to get a beer, "I mean, I had never done half the shit I've done since I've met you."

Harry laughed a little, "I'm a bad influence, I'm sorry."

"You're not," I grinned, "you're actually quite amazing. I like you like you are... you're one of those people who have the attitude to change the world."

"What?" Harry laughed at me shaking his head, "doubtful."

"Hey, they're on their way up," Niall started as he came in, "should be about 2 hours."

"Are they staying the night?" Harry asked looking back at Niall.

"No, they booked a suite in Dublin," Niall smiled, "they wanted to give us our freedom."

"Your parents seem quite lovely," I smirked, "I'm gonna run up and get a joint."

Harry nodded and continued talking to Niall while preparing his dish.

I walked up to our room and grabbed Harry's bag from the floor, the computer open on the bed.

I stopped and stared at photos of Darren and Harry from when he must've been 19. His hair was much, much shorter and he looked genuinely happy.

I sat down on the bed and looked at the date. I scrolled up looking for posts from 2 years ago... when he would've gotten the ship.

Sure enough, I found loads of photos of Harry and Darren in Dublin together. Even then, Harry seemed happy.

"Hey, Niall's gonna start that for me," Harry started from the doorway, but his words stopped when he seen the laptop.

"I'm guessing you left it open?" I asked.

"I did, yeah," he nodded a little and walked over.

"I got too curious," I said glancing back at the photos.

"I'm... I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he said, "we came over here for a couple of days because Niall invited us to during the summer..."

"You don't have to explain it to me," I looked up at him, "really."

He nodded a little and pushed his hair back.

"You look happy in these," I whispered and stared at the photos of this 19 year old boy living it up.

"I was, I guess," he told me, "I mean, Niall was with us for most of the time we were here. It wasn't because of him."

"I got it," I nodded. I closed the laptop and got up with the joint. Harry walked out and I followed him downstairs, neither of us saying anything.

Zayn was, of course, playing FIFA again and I sat down to join him after my smoke break. I kept a watch on Harry in the kitchen while we played. He didn't seem happy at all. And I could tell something was really bothering him.

Sophia came in and began helping him and he finally started laughing and almost sounding like himself, though I knew something was still eating away at him.


	28. Chapter 28

_(Flashbacks in italics)_

Harry Styles

_"So, who's the new kid?" Darren asked while I sat down on the bed next to him._

_"What new kid?" I laughed._

_"Tomlinson," Darren replied, looking anything but happy._

_"He's just someone I started talking to," I replied, my smile gone. "Does it really matter?"_

_He stayed quiet, his eyes not leaving me. He finally spoke again, "he seems like he likes you a lot."_

_I stood up, sighing, "look, I'm going back home. I shouldn't have even come..."_

_"You just got here," he almost laughed, "stay."_

_I stood back against his dresser, my arms crossed. I had no clue why I was here... why I always was._

_He stood up slowly and walked over, his eyes glancing down at my lips. "Give me a few minutes at least."_

_I stared at him, feeling so many things overwhelming me. "I really should go."_

_He smiled a little, "you always say that. And yet, here you are."_

_I sighed as his phone sounded. He stepped over to the bed to answer it._

_"Yeah, now isn't a good time," he said lowly as he glanced at me, "I'm sorta busy."_

_I stayed quiet and went through his dresser before finding some of his pills._

_"Look, I'll take care of it, don't worry," he kept going on, "that can wait until tomorrow morning, alright? I call the shots here, not you. I'll take care of it tomorrow."_

_He ended the call and turned back to me._

_"Who was that?" I asked before gulping down the pills._

_"Uh, just someone being a little impatient," he shrugged it off and stepped over to me, "they can wait."_

_"If it's that important, I'll go," I said. That's all I wanted to do... Louis was back at my place asleep in my bed... and I was here._

_"I don't want you to go," he whispered before his hands wrapped around my waist, "just stay for an hour or so, alright?"_

_I sighed and agreed, though my mind was telling me otherwise._

_But I gave into him again... I stayed and allowed him to control once more._

____________________________________

"That's all I remember," I was telling Louis as we sat on the bed that night, the laptop open in front of us.

"He never mentioned names or anything?" Louis asked me before closing the laptop.

We had searched and searched on there to see if we could find any information on who he was involved with. Of course he wouldn't keep that information on a laptop, but we had hoped we would at least find photos or something... there were none. All he had on there was me.

"He was talking to someone that night I went to see him after you and I got back from the pub," I sighed and sat back, "and he told them he'd take care of it... that he was in control of it."

Louis nodded a little, his eyes staying on the bed.

"Can we... can we not worry about it right now?" I asked quietly. I knew all of this upset him. "This is our last night in Ireland."

Louis bit his lip before replying, "yeah, sure. I suppose."

I had no clue what to say to him. There was so much tension between us now and I wasn't sure why. Maybe because he didn't understand what Darren and I had... or maybe he felt like there was more to us than I had told him; even though, for me, Darren was nothing more than someone to be with. I knew deep down I had never loved him... I cared about him probably more than I should've though.

That was more evident now than ever. After seeing everything on his laptop, I felt not only betrayed by him, but I also felt hurt... even though I shouldn't have. I guess because I was young and naive I believed that he was honest with me; that he didn't keep shit from me... but Louis was right. He didn't care about me, not as a person. He only cared about me as an object.

"Hey, you two awake?" Niall called while he knocked on the door.

"Yeah, come in," I replied.

Niall opened the door as Louis sat back against the headboard next to me. "Hey, just wanted to say that my parents really loved your dish, Harry."

I smiled a little and replied as Louis sat smirking, "thanks. Yeah, your mum told me about 10 times before they left."

"They really liked Louis, too," Niall grinned at Louis.

Louis rolled his eyes but smiled and I couldn't help but snicker.

"They did, yeah," I nodded smiling at Louis. "Your mum talked to me about him."

"Did she?" Louis asked glancing at me, "when?"

"When you were outside talking football with his dad," I chuckled.

"Yeah, she told me before she left how perfect you two were," Niall smiled.

"You should go to bed," I laughed, "you're way too drunk, Niall."

"I'm about to head there," he nodded, "just wanted to tell you two, alright? Thanks for cooking that for them."

"No problem," I replied quietly, "night."

"Night," Niall called while he shut the door back.

Louis turned back to me, smiling, "so, what'd she say about me exactly?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I grinned and got up and went through my bag to grab my swimming trunks.

"What are you doing?" Louis asked laughing, "we just packed all of that for the flight tomorrow."

"Well," I shrugged, "it's our last night in Ireland for who knows how long, it's past midnight and everyone's asleep..."

Louis smirked as I threw his own trunks to him, "are you implying what I think you're implying?"

"Depends," I replied while I changed, "what do you think I'm implying?"

He shook his head and smiled while he changed, "alright, fine. But I can't get this arm wet, you know. Don't wanna ruin my tattoos."

I grinned and ruffled my hair before fixing it back again, Louis' eyes on me. I stopped and asked, "what?"

"Nothing," he replied, "I just love the way you do that with your hair."

I smiled a little, "it's just a habit I've had since I was like 16..."

"It's adorable," he nodded a little before picking up the cigarettes from the table by the bed, "ready, love?"

"Ready."

We went to the kitchen first, pulling out several of Niall's ales he had bought and Louis making jokes about becoming Irish and trying to talk in a terrible Irish accent. I couldn't help but laugh at him, though everyone was asleep and we were trying to be quiet.

Quiet wasn't a strong point for us.

"Do you ever wonder what it'd be like to live in a different country?" Louis was asking moments later while we sat in the hot tub side by side.

"Uh," I started, "not really, I don't guess. I mean, I've seen several different places."

"Like LA?" He asked, "Gemma told me you've been there."

"Yeah, I've been there twice," I nodded, "it's quite nice there. It would be amazing to live there, I'd say. Or really, anywhere like this... either the city or a place just like this, where it's so quiet at night you can actually hear nature speaking to you."

Louis smirked and passed the joint back to me, "that is quite nice, yeah."

"I always wanted to see the world," I said as I leaned my head back and took a drink of my ale.

"Well, you've seen more places than I have," Louis laughed a little.

"Well, maybe we can travel it together one day," I looked back at him, "maybe a backpacking trip through Europe or something?"

"Backpacking?" He laughed, "Jesus, I'd need to get into shape for that, right?"

"Yeah, we should've brought a football," I nudged his arm gently and smiled, his eyes meeting mine.

"That would've been great," he sighed smiling as he took the joint back. He took a hit and put it out.

I watched him lean his head back and stare out at the night sky. He was too beautiful for words.

"Are you nervous?" He asked looking back at me, "about tomorrow?"

I kept my eyes on him as I shook my head, "no. Not really. I think... I think it'll go well. My mum texted me earlier and I told her I couldn't wait to see her again."

"Good," Louis said softly, "and if she hates me?"

I chuckled a little as a smile came over his face. "She won't hate you, Lou. How could she? I'm sure Gemma has put in an excellent word for you by now."

He laughed and finished off his beer before setting it to the side, glancing down at the tattoos on his right arm.

"What... what made you decide to get those?" I decided to ask.

He turned back to me, "uh, I don't know actually. It just sorta came to my mind... I tried to talk myself out of it..."

"Well, then," I joked as he smiled at me, "thanks a lot."

"Nothing against you," he chuckled, "I just... I didn't know how you'd react... I mean, yeah, they are just tattoos... but..."

He stopped and bit his lip while he smiled down at the water.

"But they mean something to you," I almost whispered.

He looked back at me, his face completely serious, "yeah. Well, I figured someone needed to give you the missing pieces..."

I stared at him wondering how I ever got fortunate enough to have someone like this next to me... someone who loved me despite what I had done...

"I'm sorry, maybe I should've asked you first," he said softly, "or at least told you about them..."

"No," I interrupted, "I'm... I'm actually glad you didn't... I like that you surprised me."

"Really?" He asked, "you didn't seem so happy about them."

"It's not that I wasn't," I started slowly, "I just... I didn't know how to react. I mean, that's pretty scary, matching tattoos."

"It's not like your name is tattooed on me," he smirked at me, "maybe I should do that, though... right across the arse."

I nearly spit out my ale as Louis laughed while he watched me.

"Don't choke, Jesus," he grinned at me, his eyes crinkling.

"I don't think that would be a good idea," I finally said while laughing after swallowing the ale, "I'd probably laugh every time I seen your ass then... 'Harry' in big, bold letters..."

Louis threw his head back laughing and my smile grew even more at the sight of him.

"You're really amazing," I managed to say as I smiled at him, "I'm... I'm really thankful for you... that our paths crossed like they did, Louis."

His eyes met mine again, his smile could still be seen in them, "so am I, love."

"You know that song I Can't Help Falling In Love With You?" I asked tracing over his cheek with my fingertips.

He smirked a little, "yeah, I've heard it."

"I think that defines how I feel for you," I admitted, "and I truly mean that... because, well, I am a fool for you."

He was blushing while he stared down at the water again, "I'd... I'd say that's a perfect song for us... given that I'm a fool as well... I mean, look at the tattoos..."

He looked back up at me and took my hand in his.

"Sometimes rushing in isn't so bad though," he whispered, "I mean, sometimes... I think things just work that way, don't they? Like... you see this person staring at you on your first day at a new uni..."

I grinned even more as I listened to him. He paused for a moment while he studied my face.

"And suddenly, everything makes perfect sense," he went on, his voice cracking, "you realize that some things are just meant to be... and it only takes one glance... one stolen glance in a room full of people..."

I tried to nod, fighting the stinging in my eyes.

"You suddenly realize why fate brought you to that specific place," he whispered smiling a little, "and sometimes, it changes your life forever."

I felt a tear fall from my eye while I stared at this incredible human being. I wiped it away slowly as Louis continued.

"If only fools rush in, Harry," he whispered to me, leaning closer, "then, I'll proudly say I'm a fool. Because, yeah, I did rush into this... we both did... but I don't for a second regret the decision to talk to you that day... to go with you that day. I can't imagine things being any other way now. That's how much you've become a part of me."

I was speechless while I bit my bottom lip and tears streamed down my face slowly.

"I love you," I managed to get out, "and I really mean that... I've never meant anything more in my life, Lou. And I know I don't deserve someone like you..."

"Stop," he interrupted, his hand wiping away my tears, "Harold, we've had this talk..."

I smiled a little and so did he.

"You inked your skin for me," I said softly as I stared into his eyes, "and I'm having a hard time realizing that I'm worth doing that for... I'm sorry."

"It's alright, love," he nodded a little, his own emotions taking over, "because I promise to show you every day that you are worth it. I will spend the rest of my life showing you how much you deserve this, if you'll let me. Because that's how much I love you."

"I don't want you to ever leave," I spoke as more tears fell, "because... when I look at you, I see nothing but happiness. I see a future, Louis. I see a future that just a while ago wasn't there. It's absolutely insane..."

He chuckled a little, wiping his own eyes now. "It is insane, yeah."

"But if this is insane or crazy, I wouldn't want to be any other way," I replied, my arms wrapping around him, "you... you will never know how much you mean to me. Words can't even begin to express what I feel for you... what I felt the first day I saw you, even if I didn't want to feel it."

"You did a piss poor job," he joked, his fingers running through my curls. "It's like you said just the other night..."

I watched him closely, his tears still falling. He sighed a little and tried to carry on, "you... you suddenly feel alive for once; you feel like your life has led you to this moment for a reason... a very important reason."

"Exactly," I whispered back, "and it's like everything just makes sense all of a sudden... at least that's how it felt for me."

He nodded smiling a little, "I couldn't agree more."

"Do you remember lying in bed at Gemma's just the other day talking about soul mates?" I asked quietly.

His eyes never left mine as he nodded.

"Well, I think... I think finding the person that is meant for you feels sorta like this," I explained, "I think you just know... like you said. When you find that person, everything just falls into place. And it doesn't matter how long you've known them... because your soul knows as soon as you see them. You stop and think, 'I've been looking for you.'"

Louis was losing it and I had never seen him this emotional before. I knew that he had to feel the same way.

"Maybe," he started as he sniffed, "maybe that's why I couldn't talk myself out of the fucking tattoos... my soul wouldn't let me."

I chuckled a little and so did he. I leaned over, staring in his eyes, my hands pulling him closer to me.

There were no more words to be said. We were both overtaken at the realization of what we had... how we had stumbled upon this love; this amazing and anything but normal love.

Louis pressed his lips against mine, his tears salty on my lips. I lost myself completely in the feeling; his tongue entwined with mine while our bodies were pressed against each other's in that hot tub.

Within minutes, our swimming trunks were lying by the side on the deck and my body was situated on top of him, him buried deep inside of me while I rode him slowly. His lips traced up my neck and I leaned back, losing myself completely in the moment and not even paying attention to how loud I was being. Fuck, I didn't care.

His fingers traced up and down my back while I moved up and down on top of him, my hair falling down my back. He put his hands on my face next and pulled me in to kiss my lips again.

I loved the way his fingers gently grazed over my skin. He treated me like I was so delicate, almost like I was breakable. But that's just how Louis was. His eyes stayed on mine the entire time and I think neither of us had ever felt this strongly while doing this. It was almost painful.

His arms pulled me in closer and held me tight as he moaned into my neck when he finally reached the edge.

I wrapped my arms around him while I slowed down and finally stopped, his heavy breathing next to my ear. I leaned my head against his, my eyes closed. I honestly didn't want to let go of him.

"I love you," I whispered into his ear before putting my head against his shoulder.

"I love you, too, Harry," he softly replied, his fingers still running up and down my back.

I closed my eyes and lost myself in him while we just sat there holding one another; I was holding the person that was my entire world now.


	29. Chapter 29

Harry Styles

 

 

"Niall, are you trying to burn the bloody house down?" Louis' laughter downstairs was the first thing I woke up to the following morning.

The clock on the bedside table said nearly 9. Louis and I had made it back to bed around 2:30 in the morning.

I turned over on my back and smiled as I thought of the night before. Every minute with Louis had been special so far, but last night had made me feel even closer to him. I never in a million years seen myself pouring out my heart like I had with him. I never seen myself with someone like him.

I had no way of explaining the connection that he and I instantly shared upon meeting; there really was no way of explaining it. I was convinced now that out of the billions of people in the world, Louis Tomlinson was the missing piece of me. There really was no doubt in my mind.

I knew that he felt the exact same; after all, he got a compass to match my ship, and a rope that matched the anchor on my wrist. How was I fortunate enough to have someone like him?

He cared about me. He loved me. Even though he knew everything about my past, how many times I had fucked up, he seen past it all and still loved me for me. I couldn't comprehend it, but I was beginning to learn how to. And it was because of him.

He had changed every aspect of my life; he had made me want to change. When he walked into my life that first day, he brought with him not only feelings of happiness and joy for me, but he also brought with him a future... my future. Our future.

I smiled even bigger while I lay there thinking of having our own place, even getting married if that's what he wanted. I knew I'd marry him in a heartbeat. Maybe we'd even start a family together... 2 or 3 kids running around our house. And we would just do normal parenting stuff like teaching our children how to ride a bike, or play football because that would be at the top of Louis' list, I was sure of it.

Then, at Christmas time, we could take our kids to his family's and then to my family's. We'd probably even stay up late on Christmas Eve, Louis' birthday, getting the gifts from "Santa" all put under the tree. And once we had finished our work, the two of us could spend time in bed with wine celebrating the remaining hours of his birthday.

It all sounded so brilliant to me. Being with him was the only thing I cared about now.

My phone sounded from the table and brought me back to reality; I knew who it was before I even looked.

I sat up and picked it up, seeing Darren's name. He was asking when I was coming back to London because he wanted to talk to me. I had ignored every message he had sent since being here, even after running into him. I had no idea if he was even still here. And I honestly didn't care anymore. I thought that maybe, if I kept ignoring him he would eventually give up... it had never worked for me before but I was going to do my best to make it work this time.

The bedroom door opened and I looked up to see Louis staring back at me smiling.

"Look who's awake," he grinned.

"Yeah, surprising, right?" I smirked and put my phone back down.

"Did he text you again?" He asked quietly as he walked over to me.

I nodded a little and sighed, "he asked when I would be back in London because he wants to talk."

Louis was standing in front of me, his hands on his hips, "did you answer?"

"No," I replied looking up at him, "I haven't... I haven't texted him since we've been here. I don't plan on it."

"That's probably for the best," Louis whispered.

I stood up and took Louis in my arms, holding him as close as possible as I pressed my head against his.

"You alright?" He smirked.

"I'm... I'm fine," I replied, "I just... I wanted to hold you for a second, if that's alright."

"It's perfectly alright with me, love," Louis said softly, his grip tightening on me and his nose burying into my curls, "I'll never complain."

I smiled to myself as I pressed my nose into his hair, inhaling the scent that already felt like home to me.

"Niall's doing a terrible job of cooking breakfast," Louis said into my shoulder.

"Should I go help?" I asked laughing as I let him go.

"Well, yours is better than his, in my opinion," Louis shrugged a little.

I smiled and pulled on my boxers slowly, pushing my hair back. "I need a shower."

"Me as well," he smirked as he sat down watching me pull out pants from my bag. "I talked to Gemma this morning."

I looked back at him as I dressed, "did you? What did she say?"

"Nothing in particular," he replied, "she called to ask what time our flight arrived because she and your mum would pick us up at the airport."

"Oh," I said quietly before trying to fix my hair in the mirror.

"You seem a little nervous," he said softly as he got up and stood next to me watching me fix my curls. "You said you weren't last night."

"I'm not really nervous," I mumbled, "more like, I'm just unsure. I mean, I know my mum. She loves me. I'm just not sure I want to tell her every detail."

"Then don't," he whispered back, "alright? Tell her what you want to tell her. I'm sure Gemma hasn't said anything because it's your place to tell her, not Gemma's."

I nodded a little. Louis put his arms around my waist from behind, leaning his chin on my shoulder as he smiled at me in the mirror.

"It's going to be fine, love," he assured me, "I promise. I'm quite looking forward to it."

"Are you?" I asked smiling.

"Of course," he grinned, "I can't wait to meet your mum and see where you grew up. Perhaps you can show me around like I did for you in Doncaster?"

"Yeah, I'd love to," I replied quietly as I turned to him, "not really much to show you, but yeah, why not?"

Louis smiled even bigger as he opened the bedroom door, Niall's laughter coming from downstairs, "I'm gonna go see what Horan has burned now."

"I'm coming," I laughed and followed him downstairs.

Liam and Zayn were gaming again while Sophia was helping Niall.

"Why don't you just let Harry cook?" Louis asked Niall as soon as we walked in the kitchen.

"If he wants to, by all means, take over," Niall laughed looking at me.

I studied over the breakfast he was cooking up, "it doesn't seem too bad. You might've overcooked the ham a bit."

Niall rolled his eyes but smiled.

"When does your flight leave for Cheshire?" Sophia spoke up.

"Uh, not until later... 4:30," I replied as I began helping Niall finish up.

"Oh, well, we didn't get a chance to go to the spa in Dublin," she said to me.

"Shit, we didn't," I sighed, "I'm sorry, Soph."

"It's alright," she smiled at me, "how about when you get back to London? We can make a day of it."

"Sounds brilliant, yeah," I nodded, "I'm sure Liam and Louis can find something to do."

Louis smiled at me from the barstool where he sat, "of course. Payno and I can just game all day or something."

"Yeah, you won't drag me to the spa," Liam called from the sofa.

"Hey, it would do your skin some good, you know," I laughed at him.

"Yeah, no thanks," he chuckled. "That's what Sophia has you for."

I grinned at Sophia as she rolled her eyes and took out dishes for us.

"Oh, I bought this really pretty nail polish, you have to see it," she exclaimed suddenly. "Liam and I went shopping before we came. It made me think of you when I bought it."

"Really?" I smiled at her.

"Yeah, she even said it in the store," Liam groaned from the sofa again.

I couldn't help but laugh and Louis looked at me confused, "you wear nail polish?"

"I do, sometimes, yeah," I nodded, "why?"

"I was just asking," he shrugged.

"I remember when he painted them this sparkly purple," Niall laughed turning to me, "went well with the purple boots."

I rolled my eyes as Louis snickered a little.

"He looks great with it," Sophia smiled at me patting my arm.

"I'm sure he does," Louis spoke up. I turned to him and seen that beautiful smile again staring back at me.

"I'll do them for you once we're through with breakfast," Sophia said, "it's a deep pink shade, one of your favorites."

"Ok, sounds great," I nodded smiling at her.

"Are you 2 going to primp all morning?" Liam was asking as he got up and walked over, wrapping his arms around Sophia.

"Not all morning," she smiled, "but I do want to see it on him before they leave."

I just smiled and finished up our breakfast.

About an hour later, I was sitting in bed with Sophia in her and Liam's room while she painted my nails, a huge smile on her face.

"It's been a while since we've done this," I said as I watched her.

"It has," she grinned, "keep your hand steady, Harry."

"I'm trying," I laughed as I stared down at my left hand, "you're right. This color is amazing."

"I knew you'd love it," she said smiling. "Can I ask you something, Harry?"

"Sure, yeah," I replied looking up at her.

"Do you think you and Louis will get married?" She asked sincerely, her eyes meeting mine.

I was taken back by the question but I managed to smile and reply, "uh, I... I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I want to marry him, I won't lie..."

She laughed and finished up my nails on my right hand, "I figured you felt that way. Does he feel the same?"

"He... he does yeah," I nodded a little, "I think... I think we're just sorta taking this one day at a time right now. I mean, it's not like it's not obvious to everyone..."

"It's very obvious," she giggled looking up at me, "and he was going on about you the other night... outside when you were asleep."

A smile crossed my face as she continued.

"He was drunk, but you know the saying, 'a drunken mind...'"

"'Speaks a sober heart,'" I finished for her as she grinned back at me. "What was he saying?"

"A lot," she laughed, "it wasn't to anyone else. Liam had come back inside so it was just me. He wouldn't shut up about you. It was hysterical, but it was also really touching... he loves you. A lot."

My cheeks were flushed as she put the nail polish away and I stared down at my nails, "I love him a lot. It's... it's strange. I never seen myself with someone like him."

"He's perfect for you," she said softly, "really. You and Louis fit together like missing puzzle pieces. Everyone can see it."

I nodded still grinning from ear to ear, "yeah, they can."

"When he does ask you, or you ask him," she started with a smile, "let me know cause I'd love to help you plan it."

I chuckled a little and nodded, "you know I will. And when Liam asks you, I'll help any way I can."

"I think you two have a better chance of being married first," she laughed and shook her head.

"You never know," I said, "Liam may surprise you."

She nodded and picked up my hands looking over her work, "it looks beautiful on you, Harry. I knew it would."

A knock on the door came and we looked up to see Louis peeking in through the crack, "can I come in?"

"Of course," Sophia replied, "we're finished."

Louis opened the door and his eyes fell directly on my nails, a smile plastered on his face, "wow."

"Does it creep you out or something?" I joked with him as Sophia giggled and got up to put her stuff away.

"No, it doesn't actually," he replied quietly, "quite the opposite."

I raised an eyebrow at him suspiciously, "what do you mean?"

"It... it looks amazing on you," he admitted, looking embarrassed to have said it in front of Sophia.

"Thank you," I said as I got up and looked back at Sophia, "thanks for doing them for me before we leave. When we get back to London, we'll book a spa day, alright?"

"Yes, we will," she smiled before picking up her phone, "can I take a photo?"

"Of what? My nails?" I laughed as she unlocked her phone.

"Both of ours," she grinned, "Louis, would you do the honors?"

Louis smiled at me before taking the phone from her. We stood side by side, holding up our hands as Sophia had requested. Louis took several then looked over them.

"They look brilliant," he smiled up at me before turning to Sophia, "can you text me one?"

"Yeah, of course," she smiled, "I'll have to get your number. I don't think I have it yet."

"Send it to me and I'll send it to him," I replied looking back at Louis, "I need to get my camera and take a few photos before we leave anyway."

"Of what? The lake? Nature?" Louis asked smirking as we headed back to our room.

"Well, I could take some of you," I quietly replied as I stared back at him, "if you wanna pose for me."

Louis laughed a little, "ohh, that kind of photo shoot, huh?"

I shrugged and gave him an innocent look while I pulled out my camera.

"You do look quite stunning in that color," he started as he took my hand in his, studying my nails, "it really suits you."

"You.. you don't think I'm weird for painting them?" I asked slowly.

"What?" He asked glancing back at me, "of course not. I've already told you, if it's something you enjoy I'd never think it was weird or stupid."

I bit my lip but smiled a little as I looked down.

"Am I suppose to think you're weird for that?" He asked me softly. "I love you like you are. Hell, you could wear make up and I'd probably still think you were the most gorgeous creature to ever walk the fucking earth, Harry."

I chuckled a little as he smiled at me, "you really do love me."

He got serious, nodding a bit, "yeah, I suppose I do."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" I asked staring at him.

"What did I do to deserve you?" He asked back, his hands gently rubbing over my sides, "I don't think it really matters... I have you, that's what matters."

I kissed his forehead gently, a smile crossing his face.

We were outside near the lake a few minutes later, my camera in my hand as I took several shots of the rays of sunlight moving across the water. Louis was standing next to me smoking. I caught him off guard while he was staring off in the distance and I snapped a few of him.

He glanced back, that beautiful grin on his face, "really, Harold?"

"Can't help myself, sorry," I smiled and put my camera down before looking back out at the lake, "I'm gonna miss this place. We should come back sometime."

"That'd be nice, yeah," he whispered, "maybe next time just us?"

I looked back at him, "yeah, that would be amazing."

"Tell me," he started after hitting his cigarette, "where would you most like to visit?"

"Uh," I laughed a little and thought it over, "I don't know actually. Rome would be up there on my list. I've always wanted to visit there and just take photos of the city... like the people, the culture..."

"Sounds like you," he smirked a little, "maybe... maybe we should go there... like for New Years or something?"

"You want... you want to take me to Rome?" I asked studying him, "really?"

He nodded, "sure, why not, love?"

I smiled and shook my head a little, "I'd love that, Lou. I really would."

"I figured you would," he whispered, "how about we plan it while we're at your mum's? How's that sound?"

"That sounds like a great idea," I managed to say to him.

His hand slipped around my waist and pulled me into him, his head resting on my shoulder and my arm around his neck as we stood there facing the lake in silence now. I wanted to take in this memory of us just like this. I wanted to stay this way forever. He was all that mattered.

The afternoon finally arrived, however, and we were saying our goodbyes to the guys and Sophia and heading to the airport for our flight to my hometown. My mum and sister would be picking us up at the Liverpool airport and driving us back.

Niall had driven us to the airport in Dublin wishing us a safe journey. I was getting more and more nervous the closer it got to me facing my mum again.

But Louis was brilliant at distracting me from my thoughts. He kept making jokes while we sat waiting to board our flight; most of the things he was saying didn't even make sense but I laughed anyways. He was doing everything possible to make me happy and I couldn't have been more thankful for that. He must've known deep down that I was anxious about this, but he made sure to show me it was going to be alright. He took my hand in his as we sat waiting, his fingers running over the polish on mine and a smile on his face.

And finally, the boarding call was made. I swallowed the lump in my throat as we gathered up our bags and got ready to board. Louis' hand never left my waist though. He held me close to him while we stood in line. He was great at comforting me without saying a single word. Just his touch was enough in that moment.


	30. Chapter 30

Harry Styles

 

  
"Thanks, love," Louis was telling the barista as we got our coffee. We had gotten our luggage and were now waiting on my sister and my mum to pick us up.

I watched him sipping his coffee slowly, his grey beanie on his head and his fringe peeking out from under it. He caught me staring and smiled. I grinned and drank some of mine before glancing around the busy airport.

"Has she texted yet?" He asked me, picking up his bag.

"Not yet," I replied taking my phone out, "they should almost be here. We can go wait outside if you want."

"Yeah, I could use a cigarette after that rather turbulent flight," he smirked.

"It was pretty bumpy," I laughed a little and threw my duffel over my shoulder.

We walked slowly to the front entrance, pulling our suitcases behind us.

We got outside and Louis pulled out his cigarettes from his duffel, taking one out before handing the pack to me.

"Thank you," I told him as I lit one then stuck the pack back in his duffel on his arm.

He just smiled a little and looked around, "is it always cloudy like this? I'm guessing yeah?"

"Yeah," I nodded glancing around, "the weather is shit in nearly every part of England, you know."

"It is," he sighed with a smile before glancing back at me, "you alright? You've been pretty quiet... even before we got on the plane."

"I'm fine," I replied quietly, "just preparing myself for this."

"Hey, you're making it worse than it really is, I'm sure," he said, gently rubbing my back before hitting his cigarette again.

"You're probably right," I sighed and pushed my hair back.

"Need your meds?" He asked.

I grinned at him, "no, I'm good. But thank you."

"No problem," he replied, "really don't want you having an attack or something while we're standing here."

"I'm fine," I smirked, "but thanks for thinking about me."

He nodded and hit his cigarette again, watching several cabs pulling in and out.

"I'm glad you're here," I said, his eyes meeting mine again, "it makes this much easier. You have no clue."

"We haven't even seen your mum yet," he chuckled a little.

"Yeah, well," I started, "you keep my mind off of things this way."

Louis licked his lips again and smiled as he put his cigarette out in the ashtray.

I put mine out and my eyes glanced up to see my mum's car pulling up. The anxiety and nervousness was rising again.

Louis looked back at me, then over to where my eyes were looking. His hand slipped in mine and squeezed it gently.

"Come on, love, you've got this," he whispered.

I nodded and gave him a small smile and grabbed my suitcase.

Gemma hurried out of the car as we walked over to where they had parked.

"Hey, you two," she greeted.

"Hey," I smiled and hugged her immediately.

My mum stepped out next and her smile was radiating as she stared directly at me.

"Hey," I whispered as I walked over to her. I stood still for a minute just staring at her, but the smile never left her face as she stared back at me.

"I've missed you," she finally said quietly, tears in her eyes.

"I've missed you, too," I managed to say. I threw my arms around her and hugged her as she lay her head on my shoulder, "I'm sorry, mum. I really am."

"It's alright, babe," she whispered, "it's alright. I'm just thankful you're ok."

I closed my eyes and sighed as I hugged her tight. Seeing her, hugging her, made me realize what I had missed for so long.

My mum had been everything to me growing up. She had been my support, my comfort... she was the only one there for me at certain times in my life. And now, as I stood here holding her, the reality of what my life had become had hit me all over again. I hated myself for pushing her away for so long. I hated myself for avoiding the one person who had always believed in me and loved me, no matter what I had done.

I let her go, her smile still there as she pushed my hair back. Tears fell out of my eyes and it only made her own fall more.

"Harry, it's alright," she said sincerely. I tried to nod as I sighed. "Let's get home and we can chat, alright?"

"Alright," I replied. She hugged me again, holding me tight, then let me go and turned to Louis.

Louis was grinning at me looking proud as I introduced them, "mum, this is Louis Tomlinson. Louis, this is my mum, Anne."

"It's very nice to meet you," Louis said smiling as he walked over.

My mum hugged him, "it's good to meet you as well, love. I've heard wonderful things about you."

Louis grinned at me as she let him go. He and Gemma had put the suitcases in the trunk already and the 4 of us piled into my mum's car, heading for my old home.

Louis was great at making conversation and making Gemma and my mum laugh. He had eased any tension I had felt. He was going on about our bumpy flight, how different Cheshire looked from Doncaster. He even told them about me taking him to the Rovers game. I could tell by my mum's face that she already loved him.

We pulled on our street and I glanced around at the familiar houses. I remembered playing with my childhood friends in those houses.

"How's David and his family?" I asked my mum as we got out of the car.

"Well, David moved off," my mum began while we gathered our bags from the trunk, "his parents still live here."

I glanced over at the house next to ours, remembering playing in that front garden with David. We hung out in school up until I was 16... after that I began pushing everyone away.

"Would you like us to help carry up your bags?" My mum asked me.

I stepped in the doorway and looked around at this familiar, yet distant place. I hadn't been home since before I turned 19.

"Uh, we can get them," Louis spoke up for me, "which room is Harry's?"

"It's the one on the right as soon as you reach the top of the stairs," mum replied as I stood there in the living room looking around.

My eyes were darting over all the photos of me and Gemma. It all still looked the same to me, except my mum didn't have any photos of me from 18 on.

I buried my hands in my pockets trying to contain what I was feeling. I was selfish. I had been beyond selfish to her... all because of Darren.

Gemma and Louis had taken the bags up while I stood there staring at photos of me, my mum watching me.

"It's good to have you home, Harry," she spoke up.

I looked back at her, searching for the right words to say. I wasn't sure I even knew what to say.

"I'm... I'm sorry," I finally got out, "I... I never meant to hurt you like I did, mum."

"It's alright," she nodded stepping over, "really. Gemma told me you were having problems."

"It's not alright," I sighed and pushed my hair back, "I could come up with a million excuses for you, but they'd be just that... excuses. I shouldn't have pushed you or Gemma away like I did."

"Harry," mum started as she grabbed my hand, "stop. Don't be so hard on yourself."

I bit my lip as tears fell again while I looked around at this place that used to be my home.

My mum hugged me, rubbing my back gently, "it's ok, sweetie. You're here now, alright?"

"I should've always been here," I whispered, "I don't even know where to start, mum, or how to even tell you why I stopped calling."

"You don't have to explain it all to me," she said and let me go, placing her hands on my cheeks, "you're here and you're ok. That's all that matters to me, alright? And you look amazing, dear. You seem like you've taken good care of yourself."

"I... I haven't really," I mumbled out and sighed, "but I'm trying to now."

"I love you," she said with a smile, "and I've always loved you. I never stopped and I never will. You're still my baby."

"I love you, too," I said and wiped my eyes, "and I'm so sorry."

"I know you are," she nodded a little, "but everything is going to be fine, babe."

I was honestly wishing I could believe that. But I didn't. I still felt so uneasy about everything... yeah, I was trying to make things right with everyone, and trying to change who I was, but that didn't change the fact that Darren wouldn't leave me alone.

"Do you wanna sit down and talk?" She asked me quietly.

I heard Louis and Gemma laughing while they came back downstairs.

"Uh, yeah, I'd love to," I replied, "I... I just don't want you to be disappointed in me by what I tell you."

She nodded and smiled a little, "I'll put on some tea and we can sit down and chat."

Louis walked up beside me while my mum and Gemma went to the kitchen. He immediately started looking at all the photos of me hanging up on the walls and the ones sitting on the fireplace.

"Look at you," he smirked as he picked up one photo of me when I was about 7. "Weren't you just adorable?"

"I guess so," I grinned and stood next to him looking down at it, "that was right before my 8th birthday."

"You can tell by this photo that you would be a heartbreaker some day," he laughed a little before placing it back. "Does your mum have photo albums?"

"Oh, God," I groaned as Louis snickered.

"What? Come on, Harold. I want to see them."

"She has plenty, I assure you," I replied.

"Sick. I'll have to ask her to sit down and show me each and every one," he grinned and gave my waist a squeeze.

"You would," I shook my head laughing, "I'm sure Gemma has loads of embarrassing ones as well."

"That should be fun," he said, his face beaming. "Your room is quite spectacular as well, love. Can't believe you had the same posters as me."

"I told you I did," I looked back at him, "kinda odd, isn't it?"

"Not really," he smiled a little, "at least we do have some things in common."

"Yeah, suppose so," I said quieter. "She... she wants to talk, Lou. And I honestly don't even know where to begin with her."

"Maybe... maybe you should just tell her the truth," he stated, "I mean, I know you didn't want to tell her everything... but it seems you and your mum had a really great relationship, Harry. Just like you and Gemma."

"We did," I whispered and turned back to the family photo of us above the fireplace. It was taken when I was 17; it was the last one we had done before I moved off. "But... if I tell her about him, about everything, I don't know... I just feel like she's going to hate me."

"Then, go with your heart and tell her what you want," he said, his fingers gently caressing my arm. "You decide, Harry. Alright?"

I bit my lip and tried to nod, but I felt horrible. I didn't know if I could bring myself to tell her about Darren, about any of it... the people I had gotten mixed up with, the things I had done... it wasn't as easy as telling Gemma. This... this was going to be much harder to do because it was my mum.

"Gemma can distract me with photos while you chat," Louis spoke up, and I was positive he was trying to enlighten my mood again. He was always great at that.

"God, really?" I asked him smiling, "fine, I guess it's better than sitting and listening to the two of you laughing at me."

"We won't laugh, I swear," Louis winked at me and headed into the kitchen.

I followed him slowly as he went on about my mum's photo albums.

"Yes, we have plenty in Robin's study," mum was saying, "I can go get them for you."

"Where is Robin?" I asked her.

"He had a business trip but should be home later tonight," mum smiled at me, "would you boys like to go out for dinner? We can go to Harry's favorite little place."

"I'd love to," Louis spoke up first before turning to me, "Harold, up for it?"

"Uh, sure, yeah," I nodded.

Gemma looked over at Louis, "I'll get the photo albums for you while they talk."

Louis smiled and put his hand across my stomach rubbing it gently before he followed Gemma out of the room.

Now, it was just my mum and I... I knew this was going to be hard to do.

She sat down the cups of tea before looking up at me, "do you wanna talk outside on the patio?"

"Sure," I replied softly.

We took our tea outside onto the back deck and I looked around the fenced in garden that I used to play in. Everything looked so different now to me.

I sipped some of my tea before sitting it down and staring at my hands.

"Did Gemma mention anything to you?" I managed to ask her while my eyes stayed fixated on my fingers.

"She told me a bit," my mum answered, "told me you were having issues with someone who wouldn't leave you alone."

I sat back in the seat, wishing I would've taken my anxiety meds for this.

"Did she say who?" I asked quieter, looking at my mum. She shook her head a little. "Do you remember professor Johnson?"

She sat still for a moment, then finally nodded, "yes, he was one of your teachers."

"Yeah," I whispered, "he... he followed me to London, mum."

I stopped and closed my eyes, putting my hands together. This wasn't easy at all.

"He followed you?" She asked, "he's working at the university?"

I nodded but didn't look at her. I kept playing with my rings, "he showed up about a month or so after I started... he's the reason..."

I stopped myself again and looked off at the trees; I didn't know how to just say what I needed to say.

"It's alright, sweetheart, you can tell me," she reached over and took my hand in hers.

"Mum, I was stupid," I sighed out, "I was really stupid. I... I got mixed up with him and... well, I just made a lot of really idiotic decisions..."

"But he followed you from here?" She questioned, "was it intentional?"

"It was, yeah," I mumbled out, "he... when I was 16, he was at the party David had at his dad's house across town... I don't know if you remember it..."

"I do," she said softly, "you went with David and a few others."

"Yeah, well," I started again, "I... I drank too much... Darren was there. And I had talked to him a lot because he had come to the bakery on the weekends and had chats with me. I... I didn't think it was a big deal at the time. But... he... he made a move on me..."

I bit my lip and kept my head down, struggling to finish the sentence. My mum gripped my hand tighter and I tried to continue.

"I... I said no, but I was drunk," I sighed out, "and, well... it just happened. Even though I told him no."

My mum sat still, tears standing in her eyes.

"Why... why didn't you tell me, Harry?"

"I didn't tell anyone," I whispered looking away, "and I regret that. Because when he walked back into my life, mum, in London, I was stupid enough to forgive him... and that's why I stopped coming home, or calling. I... I lost myself in this crazy lifestyle of his. He offered me everything. And I didn't tell him no."

She sat in complete silence and I was hoping she wasn't mad at me. I knew my mum, though. I knew she wouldn't be mad... but I knew how much it hurt for her to hear those words from me.

"I'm sorry," I said looking back at her before wiping my eyes, "I really am, mum..."

"Don't apologize," she quietly said, "Harry, you make mistakes when you're young. Everyone does... I'm just... I don't know what to say. I wish you would've told me."

"I wish I would've told a lot of people," I mumbled, "but I didn't. And when I started in London, he was a different person, or at least he wanted me to believe he was. And I did believe it. I felt like he was a great friend for a while, and that he really cared about me. He treated me like he did. But it was all lies... and he kept a lot of things from me that I found out later. Needless to say, I've tried a million times to stop talking to him. It's never worked..."

"Then, go to the police," she interrupted.

"They wouldn't believe me," I sighed out, "he's a professor... they wouldn't believe me."

"You don't know that..."

"I'm not going to the police," I said back, "I'm nearly 21 now and most of this shit I asked for myself because I chose to get involved with him."

"How do you expect him to leave you alone, then?" She asked.

"I... I haven't talked to him in a few days. I'm just ignoring everything he sends me," I replied quietly.

She nodded a little and wiped her eyes looking away.

"Mum, it's not all his fault," I admitted, "I wanted to be friends with him... I did. I liked hanging out with him. It's just that... after awhile, he changed and he wasn't the same. Or maybe he was always like that and I was just blind to it. He wanted me to believe he had changed."

She shook her head slowly, tears still falling. "I'm... I'm so sorry, Harry."

"Don't be," I said as I got up and hugged her tight, "none of it was your fault. It was all mine. And I'm sorry if I have disappointed you... I have a million regrets, mum, but what I regret most is pushing my family out of my life. I was selfish, I know. And I'm so sorry for that."

She held onto me tightly, not saying anything for the longest time. And even though I felt better getting it out in the open, I still felt terrible inside. And I couldn't imagine how she was truly feeling.

"Mum," I started as I kneeled down in front of her, "I'm alright though. I am. I'm honestly better than I have been in a really long time. And I'm doing my best to make this right. I hope that you aren't upset with me. I know that I made bad choices... and you're probably disappointed in me..."

"I'm not," she interrupted, touching my cheek, "Harry, you've always been a strong boy; a very special young man. And I am in no way disappointed in you. I promise, sweetheart. But, as your mother, it hurts to hear this. Because you wish you could take all of the bad things away that your child goes through. It's just natural... and knowing what you've gone through now, and that you suffered in silence, only hurts me more. Because I would've helped you..."

"I know that," I managed to say through sobs, "but it's ok. It's the past. And I'm not living in the past now. I'm... I'm trying to start over... I'm doing my best to become the person I used to be."

More tears fell from her eyes while she stood up and pulled me in to hug her.

"I love you, Harry," she whispered, "and I'm happy you're alright."

"I will be," I said back softly, "I will. And I will never push you away again. I promise. I don't want to live like that anymore, mum."

I pulled away and stared in her eyes, "I want a different future... and part of that future is standing inside with Gemma right now."

My mum finally smiled a little, "I was expecting to hear that at some point. He seems truly wonderful, babe. He really does. He seems like he really cares about you... and he really loves you."

"Can you tell?" I asked chuckling a little and wiping my eyes.

"I can see it, yes," she nodded, "I can see how he feels for you. I see what you feel for him, as well. And I couldn't be more thankful for that."

I smiled a little, "I love you, mum. And I'm sorry."

"It's alright," she said, "I love you... no matter what you have done. You've always known that, Harry."

"I have," I said softly, "I knew deep down you never stopped."

She smiled more and hugged me again, "I'm proud of you."

I bit my lip and sighed into her shoulder. I wasn't proud of me, in the slightest. Was I going to be stupid enough to go back to him again in the future? Could I guarantee to myself that I was done with that life? No matter how many times it came out of my mouth that I was finished with him, I still wasn't sure that I was.


	31. Chapter 31

Louis Tomlinson

 

"He was 4 here," Gemma was pointing down at a photo in Anne's album. We were sat on the sofa going through multiple ones while Harry and Anne were still outside.

"He was pretty adorable," I smiled at her, "wow. He still has that same smile."

"He does," Gemma nodded and laughed a little. She placed it back on the table and grabbed another, "did you talk him into coming?"

"Uh, no actually," I replied. She looked back surprised, "he wanted to come. He really did."

"Good," she smiled, "he's doing quite well, I'd say."

"He is," I said and looked through more photos, "was he about 13-14 here?"

"14, yeah," Gemma replied staring down at the photo, "he was always a show off."

I smiled to myself and kept looking. I flipped the page and caught a photo of him at 16. I had seen it before. Darren had it on his computer. But how did he?

"What is it?" Gemma asked me, "his hair?"

"Uh," I tried to laugh. I wasn't about to even mention it to her. "No, he was just... incredible."

"Oh," she said grinning, "he was a great little brother. He always looked out for me, even though I was older."

"That sounds like Harry," I looked back at her, "he's that kind of person. He tries to look out for everyone, I'd say."

"He does," she said quietly, "he has a great heart."

"That he does," I agreed, "he cares more than he should and he gives people more chances than they deserve. I really don't see how."

"I don't either," she said softly, "but that's how he's always been. He's just... a gentle soul, I guess."

She smirked a little and I couldn't help but snicker, "he is, yeah."

"What do you think of him?" She asked me. I looked at her surprised that she had asked but she only smiled a little. "What? It's not a bloody hard question. What do you think of him, Louis?"

"Well," I started, my cheeks burning, "I think he's wonderful. I think... I think he's very charming..."

"Oh, you sound like you're reading off a bloody card," Gemma laughed and shook her head.

"Sorry," I smirked and stared down at the photo of Harry, "I think... I think he's quite spectacular, really. I think he has a beautiful heart and spirit, even though it has been crushed. I think that everything he does or says is wonderful... like the way he pouts when he gets upset..."

I stopped myself when I realized how carried away I was getting and laughed a little, feeling embarrassed, "Jesus, I sound stupid."

"You don't," Gemma was grinning, "that's what I wanted to hear... what you really thought of him."

I was blushing so much and I knew it. But I just kept grinning and staring at photos.

The back door opened and Anne stepped inside smiling over at us.

"How do you like the photos?" She asked me.

"I love them. He was very cute, Mrs Twist," I replied smiling as I got up. I glanced out the window and Harry was sitting down smoking. I opened the door and turned back to his mum, "I'll have to look at the embarrassing ones when I come back in, alright?"

I heard her laughter as I closed the door grinning. Harry was giving me a look as I walked over to him.

"What?" I asked him and picked up the cigarettes.

He just shook his head and smiled, "you haven't gotten to the embarrassing ones yet? I'm disappointed in you, Lou. I would've thought they would be the first photos you'd go for."

I laughed and took a seat by him on the steps, his eyes staring out in the garden.

"I'd much rather see your face while I'm looking, love," I said back smirking.

Harry looked back before laughing, "that sounds right."

I snickered a little and lay my head on his shoulder for a minute before sitting up and lighting my cigarette.

"Gemma give you a hard time?" He asked and took a hit of his cigarette.

"No, why?" I laughed.

"She told me she was gonna give you a talk," he replied and grinned at me, "said she'd have to have the talk with the guy that was gonna marry me..."

"What?" I asked quickly through wide eyes, "did I miss something? Did I propose when I was high or something?"

Harry started laughing, leaning forward just in fits before sitting back and pushing his hair back. "Oh my god."

"I'm being fucking serious. I mean, you went from one extreme to another," I said as he kept laughing, "calm down, curly."

"Oh, Jesus," he kept laughing before he sighed, "you're just amazing."

"It wasn't funny," I said smiling, "what did I miss? Are you proposing?"

"No," he laughed a little, "I'm not. Not yet."

"Woah, woah, woah," I started, "who said you'd get to propose? What if I want to? I think I should..."

"What? Why?" He asked almost snorting, "what makes you think you can? What if I want to?"

"But I think I should," I said back.

"But what if I want to?" He said back quickly.

"But what if I want to?" I asked. "You're just calling it now that you're going to do it."

"I wasn't," he said throwing his hands up, "I never said, 'I'll be the one to propose, Louis.'"

"Are you two seriously arguing over who should propose?" Gemma spoke up from the doorway before she burst out in giggles.

I turned back to Harry, who was smirking and pushing his hair back. Gemma was still laughing as she said something to Harry's mum on her way back in.

"Alright, well, I guess may the best man win," I joked nudging Harry.

He laughed again and looked off at the clouds in the sky; he seemed at such peace now.

And I was guessing he was; he and his mum had talked and he probably felt like he got a load off his chest.

"So, is everything ok?" I decided to ask him. He turned to me as I went on, "between you and your mum."

"Yeah," he replied, "they're fine. She... she told me exactly what I figured I'd hear..."

He smiled a little, staring down at the cigarette between his fingers, "she told me she loved me and wasn't disappointed... that I'm young and I'll make mistakes."

"She's an amazing mum, then," I whispered and patted his leg gently. "That's about how my mum is as well."

"They're a lot alike," Harry nodded, "I got that when I met your mum."

I smiled as I sat and just studied him. "Do you think we're a lot alike?"

He glanced back, then leaned against the railing as he kept his eyes on me, "I think we are in some areas. But I think we're really different, too."

"Do you?" I asked softly, unable to turn my eyes away from him.

"I think we're much more different than we are alike," he said seriously, "but the being so different is what makes it work for us. Like... you have a side that only I can bring out of you. It's not... it's not who you are or how you are personally, but how you see someone you love as being. You'd want someone completely opposite of yourself... and what makes them different than you is what makes them appealing to you."

I sat back completely blown away by his words. He was right. Every single word was spot on.

"So, yes, we're alike in some areas," he started again, "but not many. and it's ok if we're not. I wouldn't want someone just like me anyway."

I chuckled a little as Harry smiled beautifully at me. "You're one of those people who write really long, sappy as shit vows, aren't you?"

Harry lost it again laughing before finally answering, "uh, probably, yeah. Like a 3 page letter. Stand up there and pull it out... 'hang on, it's important I read every word of this...'"

I started laughing with him, shaking my head.

"I'd probably be screaming, 'it took me 6 damn months to write these vows. Let me read them,'" he nearly shouted out while he grinned at me.

"I could definitely see that," I pointed at him laughing. "You're something else."

He put the cigarette out and put his hands on his knees as he kept grinning at me, his dimples showing. I loved that look; I loved that face. He was truly breathtaking when he smiled.

We went out to dinner not too long after at one of Harry's favorite little restaurants near their home. Harry was in great spirits as he laughed and carried on with his mum... I caught a glimpse of how their relationship was before his life began to fall apart.

Harry and his mum shared something very special; they seemed like they had been closer than my mum and I ever were. I saw how much Harry meant to Anne every time she smiled back at her son. She was happy to have him back in her life; Harry, I knew, felt the same. It was written all over his face as he ate dinner, glancing at me and grinning every few minutes.

Harry and I were laughing as we walked back in his mum's house, his step dad Robin meeting us in the hallway.

"Harry," Robin greeted immediately. He hugged Harry gently and smiled at him, "it's good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too," Harry said, "uh, this is Louis Tomlinson. Louis, this is my step dad, Robin."

"Nice to meet you, sir," I smiled and extended my hand to shake his.

Robin grinned, "don't call me sir... makes me feel old."

Harry smirked at me while he took his coat off.

"I brought you home a plate," Anne was saying while she and Robin walked to the kitchen.

Harry motioned for me to follow him upstairs to his room. I took a seat on his bed while he closed the door and began changing out of his clothes.

"That was fun," I spoke up as I watched him taking his skinny jeans off, then rummaging through his bag.

"It was," he said back quietly before smiling, "was nice to not feel like the outcast anymore."

"Yeah, I guess so," I said softly. Harry was pushing his hair back now, then fixing his t-shirt, his mind seeming to be lost in thought. "I thought you'd be happy to be here."

Harry turned back to me, and he looked to be forcing another smile, "I am. I'm really happy to be home... I'm just... thinking..."

"About?" I dared to ask.

"Nothing in particular," he mumbled back, his eyes staying on his phone on the dresser.

"Are you wondering where he is?" I asked slowly.

Harry's eyes fell back on me, biting his lip a little, "I just don't want the guys running into issues and I not be there."

"They're still in Ireland," I said softly, "they'll be fine, Harry. He won't go up to that place causing trouble."

Harry nodded a little but didn't look so convinced.

"You're afraid he's going to go after them without you?" I asked him.

Harry placed his hands on his hips, his eyes staying on the floor, "no, I don't think that. I don't think he would do that."

"Yeah, cause you've been so right about everything else with the bastard," I had let the words slip out before I could even stop myself. But Harry knew I couldn't hold my tongue.

Harry looked even more upset after I blurted out what I did. I didn't regret saying it... it needed to be said because Harry had himself so fooled by Darren, even still.

"Why... why are you struggling so bad with this?" I asked softer, "why can't you get that he's full of shit and he always has been?"

"I do get it," Harry looked back at me and said immediately. "I get it all, Lou. Do you think I'm still stupid and naive enough to believe him?"

"Stop getting so upset," I started, Harry turning away again, "you don't have to get so fucking defensive."

"I'm... I'm not," Harry managed to say lowly, "but... I'm sick of trying to figure out his next move, Lou. He always has one."

"Don't worry about him," I said seriously, "Zayn will text you if something happens, you know it. He's probably not even in Ireland now... hell, he probably knows you're here."

Harry shifted uncomfortably before sighing again. I hated seeing him like this. I felt helpless... I only knew what he had told me, and what little I had seen since being around. I didn't know Darren personally, I didn't know him like Harry thought he knew him.

But I knew that Harry had seen through the front Darren had put on for him so long... and I knew that it secretly hurt Harry when he realized who Darren really was.

He probably didn't want me to know it upset him... he probably thought that I would jump to conclusions again about their "relationship".

But I noticed it. I noticed how deceived Harry felt... and it actually hurt me because I wanted the thoughts of Darren to go away; for Harry to finally be free in his own mind.

And maybe I was being selfish as well... maybe I didn't want his mind to be filled with thoughts of the fucking asshole that had destroyed who he was... that had taken so much from him.

Later that night, after Harry and I had played Scrabble with his parents and Gemma, Harry had fallen asleep on the sofa, one arm hanging off of it while he snored lightly.

"I think I should get him up to bed," I smiled at Anne as she was brewing water on the stove.

"Let him sleep for a few," she smiled back, "we can have a cup of tea, if you'd like."

"Sure, yeah," I nodded and took a seat on the barstool, my eyes still glancing at Harry in the next room sleeping peacefully.

"I'm really happy he found you," Anne almost whispered as she looked at me, "after everything Gemma has told me, and Harry has told me, it seems like he really needed someone like you."

I couldn't help but smile as she took out cups for us, "Harry's a brilliant guy... he just needed to be reminded that."

Anne gave me a weak smile before the kettle whistled. She poured the water over the tea bags and sat the milk down before taking a seat next to me.

"Is he really ok?" She asked me quietly, "he just seems like he wants me to believe that he's ok, but I'm having a hard time believing it."

"He's fine," I managed to say, my eyes staring down at the steam rising from my cup, "he's just... he's been through a lot and I think it's going to take him a while to ever get back to normalcy."

Anne nodded, her face showing how upset she was, "I wish I would've known. Harry and I had a wonderful relationship when he was 16... I can't figure out why he kept something like that from me."

I wasn't sure what to say to her... how much had Harry even told her?

"He told me he was just... ashamed. He... he didn't want to burden anyone with it," I tried to say, though my voice was shaky.

"Does he still talk to him?" Anne asked, her eyes not leaving me. "The truth, Louis."

"I... I don't know if this is even my place to be discussing this," I sighed out, "I think Harry should be the one telling you..."

"I don't think he would tell me if I asked," his mum spoke and looked away before smiling, "I used to be able to tell what he was thinking before he even thought it... he was always so open with me. I remember when he even came home saying that a guy had asked him out at school one day... that's how open he was with me."

I sat quiet watching her remembering different memories with Harry.

"He's the same Harry," I tried to reassure her, "he is. And he's realizing that... he's realized a lot. That's why he's here. He's really missed you."

She smiled at me and wiped her eyes gently, "I've really missed him. And I want him to be alright."

"He's going to be," I said quietly, though I didn't know if I believed it myself. And I was sure Harry hadn't mentioned anything to her about Jeff or any of the rest of the shit he was now dealing with, so I decided to steer clear of it.

"You know what Harry told me," I started, trying to raise her spirits, "he told me how much he missed your Sunday roast."

Anne looked back and smiled beautifully, "did he?"

"He did," I nodded and grinned, "he said he couldn't wait to get back home and help you cook it actually."

She was grinning from ear to ear now and I knew it had worked... she felt much better, I could tell.

She started telling me about Harry's many cooking experiences back when he was younger and I sat and listened intently, grinning like an idiot while she went on about her son.

The way she talked about Harry only confirmed for me what I already knew about him... he was sensitive and had a beautiful soul. It was a side of him I think he had lost completely before I walked into his life.

And I didn't think it was myself that changed him. Yeah, I had helped him change, but he was choosing to change... not just because of me, but because he had finally realized what he deserved out of life. He didn't deserve to feel trapped by someone who owned his life... he deserved to be free to make his own choices.

But just like Harry, I was worried about what this guy was capable of now. If he really did run a drug ring, the possibilities of what he could do were endless.

I had heard about people like that all my life... I had never witnessed it first hand until Harry. I had never gotten caught up in drug deals, break ins... I had never watched someone die for being gay... but that was the world Harry knew. That was the world he had gotten caught up in for so long.

Gemma came downstairs, smiling at us after yawning, "Harry didn't make it, did he?"

"No," I laughed a little and glanced back at him, his curls a mess all over his face, "he doesn't sleep much usually."

Gemma grabbed a cup and took a seat beside me before she and her mum started chatting with me, asking me about the moment Harry and I met, the first day at college for me...

It was relieving to sit and talk to both of them about him in a normal way; not having to keep bringing up the bull shit Harry was still going through.

"... And yeah, my mum already loves him," I was finishing up explaining our trip to Doncaster to them, both of their smiles radiating.

"Your mum is wonderful," Gemma spoke up, "she took Fizzy and I shopping one year when I was there."

"I can't believe I never knew he was your brother," I laughed a little.

"Well, Harry was 17 when Fiz and I finally got to meet," Gemma smiled, "he wasn't around much then, either."

"He stayed with Zayn a lot," Anne spoke up next but managed to smile a little.

"Oh," I said quieter, "I... I didn't know that."

"Yeah, he and Zayn were inseparable," Gemma rolled her eyes but smiled, "he was pretty much the only one that came around before Harry moved to London."

"I'm guessing that's why they shared a dorm," I said quietly.

Anne nodded a little, "Zayn even told me back then that he'd look out for Harry... he'd keep him safe and sound."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes as I thought, 'sure, he did a great job of that.'

I heard movement from the sofa and looked over to see Harry moving, pushing his hair out of his face as he sat up some looking around.

"Ready for bed, love?" I asked him smirking.

He rubbed his eyes but smiled as he got up, stretching a bit as he did, "did you decide to have a tea party without me?"

"We were just chatting," Gemma smiled at her brother, "you passed out pretty quickly."

"Well, I don't get much sleep these days," Harry yawned and looked at me before placing his hands on my shoulders, gripping them gently. He placed his head against mine, his curls tickling the side of my face.

"What are you doing?" I smirked.

"Was hoping we could go to bed?" He said back quietly.

I smiled a little and sat the empty cup down while Anne and Gemma were laughing about something. I had stopped paying attention the moment Harry's hands landed on me.

"Well, it was nice chatting," I started as I got up slowly, Harry only grinning at me slyly. I was so fucking whooped by this boy. "Goodnight. See you ladies in the morning, alright?"

"Goodnight, love," Anne spoke up at once before standing to hug Harry, "night, babe. You two sleep well."

Harry smirked as he let his mum go and glanced back at me before we both headed for the upstairs.

I had a feeling we would be sleeping very well... at least, after I got finished with him.


	32. Chapter 32

(This gets pretty intense towards the end. Just a warning.)

 

Harry Styles

 

"What'd mum talk about?" I asked Louis when we walked into my room.

"Just asking how you are," Louis shrugged, "that's about it. She's just worried."

I closed the door and switched the light off, hearing Louis' snickering behind me.

The moonlight was making its way across my room every once in a while when it would pop out from the clouds and it was the only light for us, besides the small street light next to our drive way.

Louis wasted no time in pulling me into him and kissing me.... not that I minded. I wanted this badly. He knew I did.

His fingers ran up under my t-shirt sending chills over my body while his lips traced over my neck before biting down on it. I was doing my best to remain quiet... I didn't need my sister coming back to her room and hearing the two of us going at it.

"Should I go easy on you tonight?" Louis whispered into my ear, causing my hairs to stand up, "wouldn't want you to get too loud and all..."

He stepped back and gave me a sly grin as I smirked at him, "are you challenging me?"

"Challenging you?" Louis asked, "hmm..."

He reached down and ran his hands over the front of my sweats, just gently enough to tease me.

"I don't think I'm challenging you," he said before leaning back into my neck, "I believe I'm daring you."

"You're teasing me," I said back before his lips were running over my collar bone, "fuck."

"Call it what you want," Louis glanced back up at me, his hand reaching down in my sweats now, "but I'm certainly not going easy on you."

We held eye contact for a few seconds before I finally managed to mumble out, "ok."

Louis smirked again and pulled my t-shirt over my head quickly. His lips went straight to my chest, running over my swallows on my chest and biting here and there.

He really was out to challenge me... he knew I couldn't be quiet. I would be smothering myself with a pillow before this sweet torture ended.

Louis gently lead me over to the bed, his arms staying wrapped around me. My lips crashed into his again and I pulled him down on top of me, his hands going through my curls.

I pulled at his shirt until he finally helped me get it off of him, his lips returning to mine. He gently pushed me over on my side and scoot into me just like we were spooning... but he pulled my leg up and entered me in no time.

I gripped the sheets underneath me, trying to keep my mouth shut. I knew what Louis wanted; he wanted me to turn into a whimpering mess. That was his plan from the start.

He started thrusting into me even harder, my bed shaking with every single one. His lips were nibbling on my neck while I silenced myself by biting my lip. At the rate he was going, my lip was going to be bleeding soon.

"Harder and faster?" I heard him saying in my ear.

"You're an asshole," I managed to get out through breaths.

Louis smirked and whispered again, "I'll take that as a yes."

He pulled my leg up even further and held it there while he drove in and out of me as hard as he possibly could from this angle. I kept trying not to open my mouth, but I was beginning to fail terribly... and Louis was hearing it.

Louis pulled my hair back and kissed my lips, biting down on my bottom lip as he kept fucking me harder and harder. His lips landed back on my neck and he bit down while he moaned out, driving into me so hard that I whimpered out way more than I meant to. But it was what Louis wanted; and he definitely got it.

He finally slowed down after he came, his breath hot against my neck. He lay there being still for a minute to catch his breath.

"I won," he finally said softly, my eyes meeting his.

"How so?" I asked laughing.

"Did you hear yourself?" Louis laughed and got up, grabbing his shirt.

"Yeah, suppose you got what you wanted," I smirked and cleaned up, then lay back down as he got in bed next to me, "I'm glad you're here, you know."

"So am I," Louis said smiling a little, "should we go sight seeing tomorrow?"

I grinned a little and turned off the lamp, "yeah, if you want."

"I do," he sighed and snuggled against my shoulder, "goodnight, love."

"Night," I whispered back, kissing his hair.

My phone buzzed next to my head right before I fell asleep and I instantly knew who it was. Who else texted me this late?

I sat up some and picked it up to read Darren's message, "meet me tonight."

I rubbed my eyes a little and focused on it again. He was here.

"Why are you here?" I wrote back quickly, the rage beginning to burn on me.

"You don't meet me, you'll regret it. I promise," he wrote back seconds later.

How would I, I thought? Was he threatening me?

"I'm not meeting you," I wrote back and waited for his next message, Louis curled up to the pillow beside me and snoring lowly.

"Really? Want me to call the cops on Zayn?"

I sat there and stared at what he had written... he was threatening me; he was blackmailing me. How did I know he'd stoop this fucking low? I knew it was coming.

I had been waiting for the day that he tried to use things in my past against me; he was always great at making me feel like shit anyway.

I bit my lip and stared at the screen, wondering what the fuck I had done to get to this point in my life. It was a simple answer: I gave into him.

I breathed out a sigh and started typing again. "You're bluffing. You wouldn't do that to me."

I sat up against the headboard while I waited for his reply. I glanced out my window, the stars could be seen clearly. I noticed the reflection of headlights in the house across the street... and my gut was telling me he was out front. He had planned this. I was surprised, but I shouldn't have been. Everything he did was planned.

"I wouldn't do it to you, but do you care what happens to him?" He finally wrote back.

I closed my eyes and sighed. My phone buzzed in my hand and I looked down, my eyes widening at the message, "you want your boyfriend  finding out you met me? I have his number."

"Son of a bitch," I mumbled out lowly, gripping my phone and trying to fight the urge to throw it across the room.

"I'm making this easy on you, Styles. Meet me outside," he wrote again.

I looked at Louis sleeping and my stomach felt sick. I didn't want to do this... I didn't. But what other choice did I have? I didn't put anything past Darren... yeah, he probably would turn Zayn in to get to me; he'd at least use him as his excuse.

I got up slowly, my memory suddenly thinking back to Zayn saying Darren was blackmailing him... and now Darren was using that exact excuse. Nothing felt right now. My instinct was telling me something wasn't right. But what was it? What was I missing?

"Come on, Styles, don't be like this," Darren had written back while I stood up and found clothes, being as quiet as possible.

I couldn't believe I was doing this. As I stood there pulling on my pants, then buttoning up my shirt, I felt nothing but guilt... I wanted to say no with everything in me, but I was afraid of what he might do.

I could've easily turned him into the police several times, Darren knew that. But since we took everything he had in his flat the night we broke in, it would've been hard to convict him of anything now. He wasn't stupid, by any means. If I had ever threatened to go to the cops he would've been able to have me arrested before they arrested him; after all, I was living off of him, doing an illegal job and selling illegal drugs. And I wasn't a high-respected professor. I was just a kid.

I pushed my hair back, picked up my phone and looked back at Louis. Then, I slowly crept out of the room and downstairs to the front door. Thankfully everyone had gone to bed hours ago.

I opened the front door, glancing around outside. Darren was in my car parked not too far away. He had it back apparently.

I had so many questions I wanted to ask him, but I had a feeling I wouldn't get the chance to ask them; and he'd never tell me who he was working for now anyway.

I stepped over to the car and his window rolled down, "get in."

"I don't want to get in," I said back immediately.

"Get in the fucking car," he said again, his eyes not leaving mine.

I stood still for a second before sighing and walking around to sit in the passenger's seat. I shut the door and could feel his eyes on me.

"Where's the shit at, Harry?" He asked, his voice anything but happy.

"Where's what?" I asked confused, "what are you talking about?"

"You know what the fucking hell I'm talking about!" he shouted at me.

I inched away from him slowly, leaning back on the door. He couldn't know it was us that broke into his house... my gut was telling me he did know.

"I'm not sure what you're yelling at me for," I said back, trying to keep my composure calm.

"Stop fucking lying to me!" He shouted again and his hand grabbed a fist full of my hair, pulling me closer, "where did you put it all?"

"I didn't break into your house," I yelled back, shoving him off of me, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I have a lot of money missing, that's what's wrong with me!" He exclaimed, "stop the fucking act. I know it was you. I've known since the fucking beginning, Harold... I knew the night you fucking met me and went to the pub."

My heart raced as I stared at him... he knew the whole time and I was really in for it now if he didn't get it back. He'd kill me, I thought.

"I... I," I started slowly, "I had Zayn put it somewhere."

Darren nodded a little, his face still hostile, "well, you know what? You're going to go and fucking get it for me... unless you'd rather me just have Zayn taken care of instead?"

"No," I said loudly, "I'll... I'll get it for you."

"You're damn right you will," he said seriously and started the car, shifting it into drive.

"Where are we going?" I asked, "I'm not going anywhere with..."

"Stop," he interrupted, "let me tell you how this works... you stole everything in that house, Harry. Am I supposed to let you just return the drugs and walk away? No, fuck, no. You're lucky you're still breathing..."

"Why?" I asked seriously, "because if you weren't so obsessed with me I would be dead right now? It's a pity you are then. I'm sure you really want to kill me right now."

"You want to test me?" He asked looking back, his eyes ice cold, "if it was anyone else but me that came to get their shit you would be dead right now!"

"Yeah, it's a shame not everyone is obsessed with me then," I snapped back at him. "Stop the car. I'm not doing this shit with you..."

"No, you are," he nodded, "because now, this is even more personal. You steal shit from me, you're going to get payback for it... if you want out of the fucking car, that's fine. I'll have Zayn brought to me..."

"You wouldn't do that," I said back.

"You don't know what I'm capable of," he said lowly, "fuck with me and you'll see just what I will do."

I stayed quiet, not knowing what else to say. I had no idea where he was taking me... he wasn't going to kill me. No, that was too easy for him, and it was me after all. He'd rather watch me suffer than kill me. He'd always been that way.

We drove across town, slowing down at a house I had seen only a handful of times... it was Darren's place when he lived here, before he moved to London.

"Why are you bringing me here?" I asked him, "I'm not staying the night with you..."

"You disappoint me, Harry," he said shaking his head, "you've done this shit for years, you've taken care of problems sorta like this one, and you still don't know what to expect?"

I did know what to expect... most people who cheated us were taken care of by the whole crew... I wasn't one to step in and cause problems anywhere. I never had been. I had watched innocent people in this situation I was in now... but this situation was much worse.

"Get out of the car," Darren started as he stopped and turned off the engine, "and I suggest you shut your fucking mouth and just listen to me. If you do, this will be loads easier. And maybe I'll take you back..."

I looked back at him but his face stayed completely serious. "How did you know it was me?"

"Let's just say, I have my ways," he replied and got out. "There's loads of things you don't know about me."

"No shit," I mumbled a little, "I'll bet you don't even know where Zayn is right now... you just wanted to get me here..."

"He's still in Dublin," Darren replied looking back at me, "do you think I'm an idiot, Harry?"

He opened the door and I walked in, looking around at the familiar place. It was a huge two story home that he still owned and used when he came back to Holmes Chapel. Now, I saw how he afforded all that he had. I should've seen it the whole time.

"Who works for you?" I asked him. He turned to look at me, "tell me."

"Really? You rob my house and think you can ask me questions?" He laughed sarcastically, "that's not how this works."

He leaned in closer, pulling out something small from his pocket, "you're going to take this and we're going to go upstairs... then, I'll take you back to your boyfriend. And when you get back to London, you will see me again... you'll bring my shit back to me and you'll do as I say... if you don't..."

He smiled a little and the way he looked made me nervous.

"...Let's just say I have a lot of people who can find you and kill you at the drop of a dime," he added, "don't make me take that road."

"Why didn't you tell me... that you done this... that you were in charge?" I asked him, "were you afraid to tell me?"

"You're not asking me questions," he said back slowly, "I don't want to hear your voice..."

"Why?" I asked. "Because the more I talk the more you want to smile and forget about this shitty situation?"

Darren stood still and I could tell I had hit him spot on. He'd never kill me. If I made him smile he'd probably even forget about the drugs completely.

"I'll get them back for you," I said quietly, "you'll still get your money..."

His eyes changed again, "yeah, and I'll get you."

He gave me the vial and waited... and I stared down at it wondering if I was even doing the right thing. I could refuse but where would that get me? He knew exactly how much I cared about the others... if he threatened to hurt any of them, he knew I'd do anything to protect them.

I drank it down quickly, knowing I was going to be gone in about 15 minutes. It was a powerful drug, one that made you feel completely out of it, but yet you're still there enough to know it's reality. I had taken it plenty of times before when he showed up at the house wanting me to give in to him.

I wanted to attack him.. to kill him if I had to. But I knew Darren wasn't stupid. He had a gun on him, I was sure of it. I knew he owned several.

And when we got to the room, he took his jacket off and it was in his front pocket. I stood still against the bed, my eyes staying on it wondering if he really did come to shoot me... maybe he had plans of taking me somewhere and killing me?

I watched him pull it out and set it down across the room from me... I knew I wouldn't be coherent enough to even try to shoot him soon. He probably wasn't worried I would try to get it.

"So, this is my payback?" I asked him curiously as we stared at each other, "you drug me and then fuck me? Wouldn't you rather kill me? Where's the satisfaction in doing something you've always done with me?"

Darren smirked a little, "I'll get plenty of satisfaction from this."

His phone rang a few seconds later, he answered it and was talking to someone saying where we were. My vision was beginning to get blurry and I could feel the beginning of what would be a long, deep trip.


	33. Chapter 33

Harry Styles

 

I woke up the next morning, my eyes still really heavy. I felt like complete shit. I sat up a little and looked around the room wondering if maybe I had dreamed it happening to me. Yeah, that was it... it was a dream.

I tried to reach over to grab my phone to see if I had texts from Darren from the night before. I wanted to convince myself I had dreamed everything... not that I remembered half of it. 

I was hit suddenly with soreness when I stretched out my arm. I managed to scoot up some more, my arms feeling like bricks, and I slowly looked over my chest under my shirt. I had no bruises that I could see. My mind was still cloudy and things felt foggy; I knew I didn't dream it. It happened. These felt like the after effects of the drug. 

I pushed my hair back slowly, taking in a deep breath before picking up my phone. He hadn't texted me yet... he probably was going to soon, I knew. 

I tossed my phone on the bed and placed my hands over my face, closing my eyes and trying to stay relaxed. I didn't need to have an attack at this very moment.

I still felt very emotionless about it all. My body was still numb from what I had taken. I knew I couldn't be around my mum this way... she'd know I had done something in a heartbeat; I didn't want to do that to her. She didn't deserve to feel like I was disrespecting her in her own home. 

So, I scoot back down in the covers, my body still aching, and I tried to lie still and fall asleep again. Maybe I could convince Louis I needed to sleep in all morning; maybe by the afternoon I'd feel normal again.

But he wanted to go sight seeing... suddenly, that didn't seem as important to me. Maybe because I knew what deep shit I was in now because I had confessed that I robbed his flat. I wouldn't live this down... if he needed another reason to blackmail me into seeing him, he found it.

I wasn't about to tell him that it was actually Zayn who wanted to rob his place; that would only make him go after Zayn. I didn't want anything happening to him, so I took the heat for it... because I knew that it was Darren. He would settle with me much easier than he would Zayn. Darren hated Zayn with a passion; he always had. 

I rubbed my eyes slowly trying to recollect memories of being brought back. 

I couldn't remember much of anything, but one thing stood out to me. We were driving back and I remembered Darren talking to someone on speaker and them saying, "you said you wouldn't hurt him!"

That was all that stood out to me... I was seated in the passenger's seat completely out of it, but I remembered hearing that voice on his phone; I knew that I knew that voice. It wouldn't come to me though because I was so out of it when I heard it.

I needed to remember it, but how could I make myself? Whoever it was, they cared about me to a certain degree. It was apparent the way they were screaming at Darren over me. But who was it?

I sighed and closed my eyes, but my phone buzzed beside me. I picked it up and I saw Zayn's name.

"How's Holmes Chapel?" His text read.

I got up slowly, my body aching as I moved. I was still in the clothes I had worn to Darren's. It was a good thing Louis hadn't woken up yet because this didn't look good, that's for sure. I had no way of explaining why I was in my boots either. 

I tried to take them off as quickly as possible, but the pain was making it hard to move very fast. How did I expect to act normal when I couldn't even undress myself properly?

I stumbled out of the jeans, then found some more before glancing back at the mirror. I froze where I stood. My hand slowly reached up and touched my eye... it was swollen around it and purple. 

"Shit," I mumbled out loud, closing my eyes and trying to remain calm. How did I fucking explain this one to Louis? How did Darren expect him not to know? Did he really expect me to tell him I got into a fight, knowing Louis knows everything now? No... he wanted me to tell him the truth. He made that apparent. I wanted to kill him.

Louis moved in the bed, then sighed out and continued snoring away, his fringe all in his eyes. It was a beautiful sight; looking at him made this situation seem not as bad as it really was, if that was even possible.

I slipped on another shirt, throwing the clothes I had worn to Darren's in my bag to the bottom. They smelled like him. 

I studied my eye again while I tied up my hair in a bun slowly, my ribs aching. I needed to fully get my mentality back. I still felt like I had drank tons. 

I walked out of the room quietly, going across to the bathroom. No one seemed to be up yet, and I couldn't have been more relieved. I couldn't explain this to my mum... how my eye got like this, why I was so out of it. 

I flushed the toilet after going and noticed make up on the counter: it had to be Gemma's because this is the bathroom she used when she was here. It was always the one we shared at home.

I opened it and slowly started applying it around my eye, wondering if they'd be able to tell what I had done.

I looked it over closely in the mirror; it didn't look too revealing. It covered it well but my eye still looked worse than the other. 

I sighed and took my phone out before going back to our room and grabbing the cigarettes. I had to take a walk and call Zayn. 

I walked out the front door moments later, my head hurting from the sunlight. I threw on my sunglasses and dialed Zayn as I started walking down the sidewalk.

It rang about 4 times and he finally answered. "Harry, hey."

"Hey," I said slowly, my voice cracking, "uh, I've gotta tell you something."

"Uh, alright," Zayn said back quieter.

"He knows," I started as I looked around the street. 

There was a long pause before Zayn finally spoke again, "he knows... you mean..."

"He knows we broke into his house," I sighed out slowly, "he's here, Zayn. He... let's just say I ran into him and he's gotta have it all back. He's trying to blackmail me by saying he'll turn you over."

"What?" Zayn asked, his voice not sounding too surprised, "uh, ok. Fine. I can go back to London and get it all..."

"What's wrong?" I asked suspicion filling my mind.

"Nothing," Zayn replied. He didn't sound convincing. "Are you ok though?"

I bit my lip and stayed quiet for a moment before I just mumbled out, "I don't know what happened to me, Zayn."

I knew I was still out of it and my emotions weren't nearly as bad as they would've been otherwise... no, that'd come later. I was pissed, I was hurt, yeah. But I think the reality of it all wasn't hitting me yet. 

"You don't remember anything?" Zayn asked me, his voice breaking.

"No," I answered him, "I... I remember going and he gave me something..."

I stopped and looked around again; I was going to spare him what I remembered. He didn't need to hear all of the details.

"Let's just say I woke up this morning and thought it was all a dream," I mumbled out.

"Harry, I've gotta talk to you," Zayn said slowly, sounding like he really dreaded saying it out loud.

"What?" I asked confused, "what's going on?"

"I'll... I'll talk to you when you get to London, alright?" Zayn said back lowly. He sounded upset.

"You said you wouldn't hurt him." My mind clicked for a moment... that voice I had heard this morning... it sounded like him.

"What is it?" I asked him quickly. He couldn't have been the voice I heard. Zayn was my best friend.

"Can you come back tomorrow?" He asked, "I just... I need to talk to you in person."

"What the fuck is going on, Zayn?" I asked him, my tone changing completely. What was he hiding? That's how he was making it sound right now; and all I heard was his voice yelling at Darren this morning about hurting me...

What had Zayn done? 

"Come back tomorrow. I'll explain," Zayn said out with a sigh. 

"I'll come back today if you need me to," I said back, "it seems rather urgent."

"It kinda is," Zayn said softer. I heard Niall in the background laughing and talking to someone. "I've gotta go. I'm glad you're alright."

I felt tongue tied. I ended the call without another word.

There was something he was hiding and I knew it now. But it made no sense; how could he possibly have called Darren and said that? Was he working for him, too?

I gripped my phone in my hand, trying to contain the emotions that were having no problem resurfacing now as I questioned Zayn, my best friend. I closed my eyes before they could leak out any tears and ran my hand through my hair; Darren had destroyed every area of my life almost. That was becoming more and more apparent by the second. I wanted this insanity to end. But I knew it was never going to end. There was no end in sight to the extremes he'd go to. If he had bought off my best friend, too... I didn't know how to cope with that thought. I had known Zayn since I was 13... I knew he cared about me. So how could he possibly stab me in the back by working for Darren? That wasn't possible in my mind.

I shook my head and sighed, the world seeming to not exist for a few moments. I was so lost in my thoughts of everything. It was... just overwhelming. Everything felt like a lie almost...

The one true thing I had left was asleep upstairs. Louis loved me, I knew that. 

Zayn loved me, too, so I thought. He had always been open with me. We did literally everything together. I couldn't imagine that he would betray me... he hated Darren for what he put me through.

"No, it wasn't his voice," I thought in my head. It couldn't have been Zayn's voice I heard. I tried to push it out of my mind, but Zayn saying he needed to talk wasn't helping.

I knew something was wrong. That was as simple as it could get.

I had to face the fact that maybe I didn't know Zayn at all... that he never cared about me.

"You said you wouldn't hurt him!" I heard it again playing through my head. And I had to think about him screaming that this morning, sounding really upset; maybe he cared too much about me. 

Maybe he really did love me and cared about me but he had gotten roped up into helping Darren, somehow... I stopped and closed my eyes, that thought hurting me.

Zayn was me... I loved and cared about Louis, too, but I was wrapped up in pleasing Darren still, although I wanted no part of him. I couldn't relate more to Zayn at that moment. 

I lit a cigarette and sighed out a hit trying to calm myself back down with that thought. I knew Zayn cared. I knew I shouldn't question that. I knew first hand how manipulative Darren could be; so, I knew that Zayn could've had no choice. 

I texted Niall as I walked back up our driveway, telling him to keep an eye on Zayn. I wasn't sure why but I was worried about him.

The front door opened and Louis stepped out, his eyes half closed. Shit. I had to tell him everything now. 

"You're up early," he said quietly, his eyes trying to study me.

"I couldn't sleep," I mumbled back, my eyes looking anywhere but at him underneath my sunglasses. 

I hit my cigarette and stayed quiet while Louis lit one, his eyes still on me.

"You alright?" He asked me after a few moments. "You seem rather miserable."

I glanced around at the houses on our street as I leaned back against the railing. I didn't know how to even explain it all. 

"Harry," Louis said again. I turned to him and he asked, "what's going on?"

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I breathed out a heavy breath and pulled my phone out. 

"Meet me in London tomorrow. My place. x," Darren had written.

I closed my eyes and shook my head, my mind was all over the place.

"It's him, isn't it?" Louis asked me, almost hostile. 

"We've gotta talk," I started slowly.

Louis looked at me confused as I stayed still.

"Are you high?" He asked me softer as he looked at me closely. He reached over and took off my sunglasses. I knew how bad my eye looked and how red they both must've looked still from the drugs in my system. 

"What the fuck is going on, Harry?" Louis questioned me, "why the fuck are you high?"

I fiddled with the rings on my fingers, "Darren texted me... he knows we broke in his house."

Louis crossed his arms, his eyes widening after I said it. "What? How does he know?!"

"I don't know," I replied loudly, "he wouldn't tell me how..."

"You met him, didn't you?" Louis asked and looked as if  it had just hit him out of nowhere; of course he suspected that I slept with him.

"I didn't want to," I started as he sighed and hit his cigarette walking a few feet away, "Louis, he's blackmailing me. He... he threatened to kill Zayn. He said he has plenty of people that can take care of him. Was I suppose to believe he wouldn't do that and chance Zayn's life?"

Louis' eyes looked back at me, his face softening. He looked like he felt guilty all of a sudden. 

"He blackmailed you into going?" He asked quieter.

"I got in the car and he told me he had known all along it was me that robbed him," I started slowly, "he has people selling that stuff for him, Lou. Do you realize how much I have cost him? Do you realize how angry he is at me? I'm lucky to be alive."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Louis sounded like he wanted to shout but had restrained himself from doing so. 

"Don't you realize they kill people like me?" I asked him, "do you think he was going to let me get away with just returning them to him?"

Louis stayed quiet, his eyes staying down. He finally spoke up, "I want him fucking dead, Harry."

"You're not the only one," I whispered back. Louis finally looked back at me, and all I could see was hurt. He was hurting for me. How did I see that? 

"I'm alright," I said quietly to him, locking my eyes with his, "don't worry about me."

"No, this... this can't keep happening to you," he said back quickly, "this is fucking stupid, Harry."

"Louis, I'll return the drugs and that's that," I said seriously.

"That's not going to stop him!" He yelled finally. I knew he was going to yell before it was over. "Do you think this will keep him away? If he sells the shit, Harry, then he pays someone to keep up with you."

I nodded a little, "that's not all of it."

"What did he do?" Louis asked me, anger still burning all over him.

"Don't," I said gently, "don't worry about that. Alright?"

"How can I not?" He asked, "you should be dead right now, remember?"

"He drugged me, alright," I said back immediately, "I don't remember it. Why do you think I look like this?"

Louis shifted a little, studying me closely, his face changing completely, "I'm... I'm sorry, Harry."

I put my hands on his face, "don't. I'm fine. I'll be fine. He wouldn't ever kill me. I knew he wouldn't. He couldn't ever bring himself to do that to me. He's too obsessed with me."

Louis tried to nod and looked away. I hugged him and sighed against his head, closing my eyes.

"How do we fix this, Harry?" He mumbled into my neck.

"I don't know," I replied, burying my nose into his shoulder. "This morning... I remember part of being brought back..."

I let him go and pushed my hair back. "There was someone on the phone yelling at him saying, 'you said you wouldn't hurt him'. I... I think it was Zayn he was talking to."

Louis looked even more confused, "what? Why would Zayn be on the phone with Darren?"

"I talked to Zayn. He wants to talk to me," I admitted, "I called him this morning to tell him that Darren was threatening to come for him... his attitude changed completely and he wants to talk to me... It was his voice, Louis. I'm pretty certain of it."

"What... did Darren go after Zayn first and ask him where you were?" Louis asked.

"I hadn't thought of that," I said sighing, "I just... I figured Darren had bought Zayn off, too. He seems to be great at that."

"What do you mean?" Louis asked me.

"He just is," I mumbled, "he has people he can bribe into anything. Trust me."

Louis knew I knew something that I wasn't telling him. "What happened, Harry? What do you remember?"

"I don't think you should know," I said looking back at him, "please just leave it alone. I'm here and I'm fine."

Louis didn't look convinced but he dropped it. "We should go back and see what Zayn has to say for himself. If he did this, I'll fucking kill him."

"I don't think he'd do that," I almost whispered, "why would he, Lou? He's been my best friend since I was 13. What would possess him to sell me out? What does Darren have over his head? Don't you see it?"

Louis looked back at me as I tried to keep my composure, "Darren is clever and manipulative in every way. Zayn could've easily given into Darren's request if Darren was blackmailing him with something."

"So, we shouldn't blame him?" Louis snapped, "really, Harry? What did you go through last night for Zayn?!"

I bit my lip and looked away. He was right. I'd never sell out one of them; then again, Darren was my demon, not theirs. He only wanted me. He would always spare me. I didn't know whether he would spare Zayn if he asked Zayn and Zayn told him he wouldn't tell where I was. I felt like he really would kill him, and get away with it because he was great at covering his tracks, I'm sure.

"I'm not blaming him for anything until I talk to him," I finally said back to him, "alright?"

"How are you so calm about all of this?" Louis asked me in disbelief. "I'd be so fucking pissed and jumping on a plane to fucking London to find out what the fuck he's hiding."

"I'm not you," I spoke softly, my eyes looking back at him, "he'd never sell me out without good reason, Lou."

"Good reason," he mumbled, "yeah, yet you risked your life for his."

I stayed quiet. I didn't know what else to say to him. I felt like I had just stepped into some sorta altered reality; everything was fine yesterday afternoon. How did everything come crashing down so fast?

How did things go from perfect to this? I was now questioning my best friend, someone who had been a part of my life for nearly 8 years. I couldn't bring myself to believe that Zayn would do this to me without having a really good reason. 

But it hurt, nonetheless.


	34. Chapter 34

 

Harry Styles

 

 

"What do I tell my mum?" I asked Louis quietly as we crept back upstairs to my room. "I don't want her knowing why I need to leave."

"I don't know," Louis replied. "Better come up with something though, if you want to head back."

Louis was pissed still and I knew it; I could see it in the way he was acting and talking. I knew he wasn't angry at me. It didn't make this situation any easier, however. I didn't need the one person who truly loved me being upset right now; I was barely holding myself together.

My mind was becoming more clear by the minute, and it only made this reality worse. It was finally sinking in... everything that had happened the night before, me questioning Zayn... it was finally hitting me.

I stayed quiet while I threw all my clothes back in my suitcase. I didn't give a fuck if they were folded at this moment; my mind was in other places.

Louis was sitting on the bed, his eyes on me. I could feel him watching me closely and it only made the way I felt worse.

"Do you have to stare at me?" I spoke up as I glanced over at him.

He sat quiet for several moments before finally clearing his throat and saying, "I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with this situation."

I didn't know what to say to him. I bit my lip and threw my other pair of boots back in my suitcase. There was so much tension between us and it was growing by the minute.

"What's wrong?" I finally turned to him and asked, "just tell me."

"You already know what's fucking wrong," he nearly snapped at me.

"You're going to be an asshole to me over it?" I asked raising an eyebrow, "you act like I asked for this..."

"I don't think that," he finally raised his voice. I knew it was coming. "You didn't ask for it... you didn't deserve whatever the fuck happened to you..."

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath before blowing it out slowly, trying to keep my mind from getting out of control.

"I don't want to fight over this," I mumbled out, keeping my eyes down on the suitcase.

"I'm not trying to fight," he said back immediately, "I'm just... I'm angry, Harry. So fucking angry. I can't help but wonder if that bastard is even human. He has no respect for anyone. He doesn't deserve to fucking live after all the hell he has put you through... and is still putting you through."

"I know that," I finally raised my voice as I looked back at him, "I fucking know that. But I did put myself into this situation..."

"No," he interrupted, before staring down at his hands, "I did. Zayn and I did. You didn't want to break in his place, but you went along with it. If I had never agreed to it, it wouldn't have happened."

I sighed and stood still, keeping my eyes down, "you can't blame yourself, Lou. You didn't ask for all of this."

"I can blame myself," he told me, my eyes meeting his again. "I do blame myself. This wasn't your fault... and yet, you took the heat for Zayn, and me really, when you didn't have to."

"I did have to," I said slowly, "because I'll never let anything happen to any of you."

"Yeah, but it shouldn't have to be this way, Haz," he sighed and rubbed his hands over his face, "he shouldn't be using your friends to get to you."

"Yeah, well, welcome to my world," I spoke lowly and turned my attention back to the suitcase. "We should probably check the flights for London."

"I'm sorry," he almost whispered. "I'm sorry for whatever he put you through... you didn't deserve this at all. Zayn and I did."

I took a seat next to him, trying not to wince when the pain hit me again. Louis could tell I was in pain and it only made him more upset, and more angry.

"Stop," I told him while I kept my eyes on him, "I... I don't really mind. I'd rather be put through hell than anything happen to either of you. Why do you think I didn't tell him that it was Zayn's idea? Darren will let me off much easier than he ever would Zayn... he can't stand him."

"Then, how could Zayn even be involved with Darren?" Louis asked me.

"Darren doesn't have to like someone in order for them to work for him," I mumbled, "besides, like I said earlier, Darren can manipulate any situation to where it's in his favor. I'm just guessing that's what happened with Zayn.... because I don't see my best fiend capable of selling me out, I guess."

Louis tried to nod, but his face was miserable. I could tell he blamed himself for what happened to me, even though I told him he shouldn't.

"What happens if you do find out he sold you out?" He asked quietly, his eyes staying on his hands in his lap.

"I... I don't know," I managed to stutter out, "what am I supposed to do? I don't think I can be angry with him..."

"Why?" Louis snapped loudly, "why can't you just be angry with him? I know I fucking would be! If he's the reason you were put through hell last night, Harry, I'll be fucking pissed! Don't think I won't tell him a thing or 2..."

"Stop," I said immediately, "just stop."

I took another deep breath as I got up and looked through my bag for my pills. I took one and swallowed it down, closing my eyes. I had to stay calm.

"I'm sorry," Louis spoke softly while he stood up and put his hands on my shoulders gently, "are you alright?"

"I'll be fine," I whispered, "I'm just... just having a hard time keeping my mind at ease."

Louis wrapped his arms around me and held onto me tight, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"I love you, Harold," he said against my ear.

"I love you, too," I sighed out as I closed my eyes and put my hands over Louis' arms.

We stood in silence for what felt like forever, neither of us even finding the words that needed to be said. And maybe there were none.

I felt guilty; I had dragged him into the mess that was my life. Louis didn't ask for this. And I didn't see how it was even fair for him to keep putting up with the shit. It wasn't fair at all. I felt deep down that he would've been better off without me... that maybe if I had never talked to him that day, I could've spared him from this.

He deserved so much better.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and I let go of Louis to pull it out to see Niall's text, "Zayn left for London. What's going on?"

I breathed out slowly, Louis' eyes staring down at my phone as well.

"What do I even tell him?" I mumbled out, throwing my phone on the bed.

"The truth," Louis replied flatly, "Niall deserves to hear it, too. You've gotta unravel this web of lies, Harry.... Whether you spun the web or not."

I slammed my suitcase closed and tried to keep my mind from losing control; it was becoming harder with every second.

"Why are you even here?" I managed to ask Louis, "why, Lou? Aren't you sick of this yet?"

Louis' face changed, I could tell he was hurt. "I'm sick of the way you're treated. I'm... I'm not sick of you. I love you. That's why I'm fucking here, Harry. And I told you I'd help you fix this."

"What if you can't?!" I turned to him and shouted. "What if you can't fix this?! Or me?"

He stayed completely still, his eyes looking away. I knew I had upset him, but I didn't see how he even wanted to be around me anymore. I had done nothing to deserve him standing by my side. No one deserved this.

"You boys alright?" I heard my mum calling seconds later.

I tried to regain my composure as I tried to reply in a convincing manner, "we're fine, mum."

She said something about making breakfast while I just kept my eyes on my suitcase.

Louis didn't say another word; he began changing and not even bothering to look at me.

I wanted to break; I wanted to scream and cry. I didn't want this anymore. And I didn't want to keep putting him through the shit I was putting him through. But I couldn't imagine a life without him. I didn't want to. Even though I knew he was better off without me, I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want it to come to that. But what if it did? What if I couldn't fix this? What if no matter how much I wanted to fix it, I would forever stay like this? How did I even escape this hell now?

I stayed quiet through breakfast, not saying much to my mum at all. I managed to fix my hair to where maybe she wouldn't even notice how my eye looked. I managed to struggle through the pain I was feeling in my body... and the pain I was feeling mentally.

Louis sat quiet next to me, his eyes not even glancing up at me once. I felt like Gemma could tell something was off; she kept staring at Louis and then me. But I couldn't tell her the truth.

"Mum," I spoke up after breakfast, "we're gonna have to go back to London tonight."

"Everything alright?" She asked looking at me.

I watched her rinsing dishes as I did my best to lie, "uh, something came up. I've gotta meet Zayn. He's... he's upset about something."

"Oh," she said quietly, "I hope he's alright."

I tried to nod, "me, too. I'm sorry. I'll come back in a few weeks though, if that's alright?"

She smiled warmly at me, patting my shoulder, "of course, babe. Just make sure to bring Louis back with you."

I tried to smile, glancing over at Louis talking to Gemma on the back deck, "I'm sure he'll wanna come."

"He's amazing," she said softly, "really. I'm thankful you found him, Harry."

I bit my lip and fought back everything I was feeling, "I am, too, mum."

She started going on about something, smiling the whole time, but my eyes were on Louis outside.

How did I fix this? How did I get rid of the demon that was holding me?how did I become the person that Louis deserved?

I stepped outside on the deck, Louis looking up at me immediately before turning his attention back out to the garden.

Gemma smiled a little, patted my shoulder, and walked back inside while I stood against the railing, crossing my arms as I stared at Louis in front of me.

"I wasn't trying to upset you," I managed to say to him.

He blew out his hit of his cigarette and shrugged, "it is what it is, Harold."

"I don't want it to be like that," I whispered as I watched him staring down at his hands, "Louis, you don't deserve this. You know that..."

"You don't either," he interjected, glancing back at me, "you haven't deserved one damn thing he has put you through."

"I have," I quietly replied, looking away, "I didn't ask for all of this to happen... but I did make bad choices, Lou. And I keep having to pay for that over and over."

Louis shook his head slowly, "then, you need to figure out how to stop it."

I stared at him, trying to bite my tongue. I was angry, I was upset... I didn't want to say anything to him that I would regret afterwards.

"How do I?" I finally asked, "if he has as much power as he's leading on, how do I just walk away?"

"I don't know," he sighed out in frustration. "But this is ridiculous, Harold. I'm tired of sitting by and watching this shit happen to you. I won't be like the other lads.... I won't turn a blind eye to the way he treats you."

"I'm not asking you to," I almost shouted, but stopped myself and sighed, "I just... I feel like you're really better off without me."

"Little late for that," he started, sounding between upset and angry. "Isn't it, Harold?"

"Stop please," I sighed.

"You're always saying this," Louis kept going, his frustration only growing, "I'm sick of it. If you feel that way, you know, just tell me. I didn't ask for you to talk to me!"

"Well, I wish I wouldn't have sometimes, alright?!" I yelled back at him.

Louis stared up at me, his eyes changing from pissed to completely devastated. I think he could see how much I actually meant it; I think he felt like I was saying I regretted us. I know that's how it had to have sounded.

And I didn't mean to blurt it out either. We were both just in the heat of the moment and I knew I was capable of saying something I'd regret. And I had.

"Uh, do you guys want to ride to town with me?" I heard Gemma saying from the door.

Louis looked back up at me and I tried my best to pretend like nothing was wrong.

"Yeah, would love to," I replied slowly.

Louis agreed and headed inside without another word to me.

We spent the good bit of the afternoon with Gemma, Louis and I not really even talking to each other. I wasn't sure what to say to him. I hated myself for saying it, even if it was true, and that his life would've been easier without me.

He had to have realized that by now; that he deserved better than this. I couldn't see what he saw. I couldn't see myself in the light he did. I wished I could.

The realization that was hitting me with Louis only reminded me of Jeff again; Jeff was to the point of giving up everything just for me before he died. He didn't have to, but he was choosing to. He even sacrificed his friendships for me. Jeff wanted what Louis wanted: to take me away to another place that existed.

I had felt guilty with Jeff because I knew no matter how much I cared for him, things with Darren would never stop.. But with Louis, I felt guilty because I loved Louis with all of my heart and I hated seeing him hurting because he loved me in return. This wasn't fair.

We arrived back at nearly 5, Louis carrying in our bags quickly. Gemma stopped me and stared at me.

"What's going on?" She asked and touched my eye, "what the hell happened? I can't believe mum hasn't noticed..."

"Why do you think I've been avoiding her?" I asked her.

"What happened?" She asked crossing her arms, "the truth..."

"Let's just say I got into a predicament," I replied, "alright? I'm not going into detail..."

I started to walk off as she caught my arm, "Harry, this has got to stop. This man is going to kill you."

I kept my eyes on hers, I could see concern written all over. She was my sister, after all; she had always worried about me.

"I'll be fine," I spoke up, "alright?"

What else could I say to her? There wasn't anything that could've been said. She'd worry about me, regardless of what I told her.

I finally broke our gaze and walked back in the house, mum and Robin out for dinner they had planned. She was planning on playing a few rounds of Scrabble with us before we had to catch our flight at 9:30.

I had to give it to Louis... he wasn't gifted in Scrabble. But he absolutely loved playing with my mum. He got overly excited when we played and laughed at my words. He was the one with the dictionary being a smart ass to me.

A smile crossed my face as I walked upstairs; it felt like Louis already belonged here as well.

I opened the bedroom door and Louis was sitting by the window smoking. He didn't bother to look at me upon my arrival.

"Hey," I said softly while I closed the door. I sat down next to him, watching his eyes glancing around the street below. "I'm sorry."

He grinned a little, "it's fine, love."

"You're forcing that," I whispered as I studied his face, "I'm really good at reading you, remember?"

Louis tried to nod, "I remember."

I leaned against the wall and watched him, "talk."

His eyes glanced at me, "are you always going to say this?"

I kept my eyes on his, not blinking, "no. I'm not. I'm sorry... I... I told you that I struggle with this..."

"With what? Feeling like you deserve something?" Louis asked quickly, "or saying I deserve better because you aren't worth it?"

I sighed and stared down at my hands.

"Did you do this to Jeff?" He asked, no hesitation whatsoever. I glanced back at him and his face was completely serious, "did you constantly tell him he was better off? Is this why you push everyone away, Harold? Am I finally getting to see what you meant by that when you told me that at that party?"

I bit my lip and stared down at my fingers, adjusting my rings.

"What is it going to take for you to realize that you are worth the fucking world?" He asked me harshly. "And that you never had to settle for attention from Darren to feel worth something..."

I looked back at him, feeling a mixture of anger and heartbreak. Those words hurt. They hurt more than I cared to admit.

I shook my head and looked away, biting my tongue.

There was a long, painful silence that fell in the room. Louis' face had softened as he glanced back at me.

"I... I shouldn't have," he finally admitted.

I nodded a little, "it's fine."

"It's not fine," he sighed, "I'm sorry."

"I did tell Jeff the same thing," I looked back at him, knowing now was the best time for honesty, "alright? Yeah, I told him I felt like he needed better... I called it off with him, Louis. But you know what happened? It still happened. Because he couldn't stay away... and if I wouldn't have allowed it, maybe he'd still be alive."

"What?" He asked.

"Well, the night he died I had agreed to meet him," I mumbled, "if I wouldn't have, I don't know..."

"You blame yourself?" He asked me quietly, "Harry..."

My eyes glanced back at him, his face nothing but gentle now, the Louis I loved.

"You can't change fate," he said seriously, "alright? It wasn't your fault."

I pulled my knees up and rested my hands on them, while Louis' eyes stayed on me.

"Why did you talk to me that day?" He asked me quietly.

I looked back at him, leaning my head back on the wall, "because... I felt like I should."

Louis looked surprised at my response, but it was true.

"You felt like you should?" He repeated, a small smile trying to spread over his face, "is that a line... or..."

"It's not a line," I chuckled as Louis finally grinned fully, "Jesus. Why is everything a line to you?"

Louis laughed a little and shrugged, "I don't know. I guess cause you're too perfect sometimes."

"Perfect?" I asked, "me? Are you insane?"

Louis just smiled as he stared at me, "we all have our own ideas of perfection, Mr Styles. And for some, it's not actual perfection. It's the imperfections, it's the mistakes; it's everything they have felt..."

I bit my lip and pushed my hair back as I watched him closely.

"It's their face," he carried on quietly, "sometimes perfect is someone so imperfect, Harry. Someone like you."

I sat quiet, Louis glancing down at his hands, his cheeks flushed. He was embarrassed.

"Is that a line?" I joked with him, his eyes looking up at me before he began to laugh. I smiled at him as he shook his head chuckling.

"Yeah, that's... that's a line," he nodded still laughing, "you're something."

I laughed a little and ran my hand over his cheek, "are we done fighting?"

"Yeah, uh, I guess so," he sort of shrugged and kept smiling, "was that really a fight?"

"Sort of," I nodded and scoot closer to him, "I don't regret talking to you."

He glanced back, his face only inches from mine.

"I hope you haven't thought less of me," I went on after catching my breath, "I hope that whatever image you had of me on that first day hasn't been spoiled, Louis."

"You're joking, right?" He asked me, searching my eyes, "no, love. You're much more than I had ever hoped for..."

A smile crossed my lips as he grinned back at me.

"How so?" I asked smirking.

"Well, when I met you, I just wanted to get to know you... I wanted to know you. I wanted to be with you," he admitted while he glanced out the window, "and I'll admit that. I wanted you..."

I laughed a little as I lit a cigarette. "Yeah, that wasn't obvious at all."

"It was obvious you wanted me, too," he said, pinching my cheek gently, gaining a laugh from me. "You stared at me like that in class..."

"You didn't think I was gay," I laughed a little, "or well, maybe you did. You seemed rather embarrassed to talk about it that day..."

"I'm not as open as you," he looked back, "I haven't been exposed to everything you have... back home, who I was wasn't like this. You sort of pulled me out of that..."

I looked at him confused, "what do you mean?"

He smiled down at his hands, "you just... you made me accept things..."

"Wow," I started slowly, "well, after everything you have seen in my life, yeah, I'd say you'd have to accept some things..."

"No," he told me immediately, smiling at me, "yeah, I'll admit I had never expected this life of you... but no, I meant... you made me accept me."

I closed my mouth, words failing me. How had someone like me helped him to accept himself?

"I told you, I struggled with it," he added quietly, "so, yeah. You kinda mean a lot to me."

I kept quiet, hitting my cigarette, and Louis' eyes burning on me.

"Say something, Jesus," he spoke up.

I smiled a little and looked back at him, "I don't know what to say. Uh... I'm glad I could help you, I guess?"

Louis smirked and slapped me gently, "asshole."

I grinned and looked back outside, listening to the cars in the distance.

"Thank you," I finally said to him. "That actually meant a lot to me to hear."

Louis only smiled a little, "yeah, well, it's the power of Harry Styles, I suppose."

I laughed and shook my head as his hand gently caressed my neck. I closed my eyes and got lost in his touch.

"Hey, Scrabble," Louis said and got up quickly, "we're suppose to play. Is your mum back?"

I smiled up at him, "you're adorable."

"Stop it, curly," he pointed at me as I got up and wrapped my arms around him, "hey..."

"Oh, stop," I smiled into his neck as his arms went around me and held me. "You are adorable."

"I don't want to be adorable," he groaned into my shoulder.

"But look," I started and picked him up, Louis almost yelling, "you're so tiny."

"Put me down," he laughed. I held him in my arms before throwing him on the bed, his laughs filling the room.

"What the fucking hell," he laughed as I straddled him on the bed. He stared up at me, his fingers pushing my hair back, "you're quite gorgeous, legs."

I couldn't help but smile at him, "you're pretty gorgeous, too, tiny."

"Hey," he started to react but I cut him off by crashing my lips into his. And he totally forgot what he was saying.

It was moments like this that made all of the bad moments worth it. I knew I was going to struggle with thinking Louis deserved better... that was unavoidable.

But this person on the bed with me, laughing and being completely happy, had made me want to realize that sometimes imperfections do make someone perfect; at least for someone else. He was perfect for me; his only flaw was me.


	35. Chapter 35

Louis Tomlinson

 

 

"Text me as soon as you arrive," Anne was telling Harry as she hugged him tight.

We were standing out front of the airport ready for our flight back to London. Harry was still tense and it showed. But I was doing my best to keep his mind off of it.

"I will, I love you, mum," Harry said softly and kissed her cheek. "I love you so much."

"I'll see you in a few weeks," she smiled at him.

Harry looked to be forcing a smile again, but managed to nod to her.

"It was wonderful meeting you, mum," I told Anne immediately as I hugged her.

"It was wonderful meeting you, louis," she laughed, "I can't wait to see you again."

"You as well," I smiled as Harry and Gemma hugged.

"Text me," I heard her telling him, making sure he had heard her. Harry nodded a little and kept his eyes off in the distance.

I hated seeing him like this.

We were boarded in no time, Harry was sitting next to me, chewing gum and looking out the window; but he wasn't smiling this time.

I wasn't sure what to say to him. I didn't know what he was feeling. I couldn't figure out parts of him still; I knew that he was struggling right now.

I pulled out my phone and texted Liam asking him if the arrangements had been made with the flat. He had said in Dublin that it was all signed for... that he was waiting on the keys.

Liam finally texted back, while Harry was almost asleep next to me. He told me they had been left with Gemma.

I knew Gemma had given Harry her extra key for us to stay at her place, but I had a plan that I hoped would work. I wanted to cheer him up somehow.

Once we landed, we got a cab and headed back. Harry kept quiet next to me again, his eyes on his phone. I wanted to ask him what the git was saying but I felt like I should leave it... Harry was stressed enough.

The cab slowed on Gemma's street and we stepped out. I gathered the bags from the trunk while Harry paid the driver. He pulled off and Harry's eyes darted around the street.

"What?" I asked, "do you think they'll be here?"

He stayed quiet; and after finally surveying the whole street, he headed to the apartment building.

We rode the elevator in silence again. It was becoming unbearable.

Harry started unlocking the door as I watched him, "hey, can we do something?"

He looked back at me as his hand pushed open the door, "what?"

"Are you in the mood to go somewhere?" I asked, "I know it's late, but I kinda wanted to take you somewhere."

Harry smiled as we both dragged our bags in and to the guest room.

"It's like 11," he laughed a little and went straight for the closet pulling out his box again.

I stood still and watched him searching through it, before pulling out something. He walked to the bathroom next while he called to me, "what did you have in mind?"

"Well, some food from that bistro that's open really late and a trip somewhere. For just the two of us. Nowhere public."

I heard Harry turning the water on, "uh, sure, yeah, I guess. Probably better than staying here. I mean, they know I'm back."

"How?" I asked as he walked out. He was higher than a kite and acted as if he felt tons better.

"Come on, Louis," he sighed, "he knows my move before I do."

"When are you to meet him?" I asked him softly.

Harry's face changed and he went back to the room, rummaging through his bags for clothes. "Let's not worry about it, alright? I want to know what you've planned."

"Harry," I started seriously, "tell me. Please."

"Uh, tomorrow. At his place," he replied slowly. "Zayn is to meet me with the stuff."

"You're talking to Zayn first?" I asked him, "I just wanted to be clear of that..."

"I am," he nodded a little, "I texted him and told him I was here. He said he'd meet me in the morning."

"Is he already back?" I asked and glanced around the living room for a trace of Zayn's things. "Did he have a key?"

"No," Harry replied flatly, "he's staying with someone he knows."

"Wow," I said, "that's probably not a good sign,"

"He didn't have a key," Harry smirked at me, "he didn't have a choice. He said since it was so late he'd just leave us alone tonight."

"Oh, alright," I said quieter as I watched Harry changing shirts, throwing one button up down for another.

"Wear this," I started and pulled out a white, long sleeve, almost sheer shirt. Harry looked at me holding it. "If you don't mind..."

Harry smiled a little and threw the other shirt on the bed before taking the shirt from me, "why this one?"

"I," I tried to start, but I was finding it hard to explain why. "Uh, I just... I think it'd look amazing with that..."

Harry watched me pointing to his nails and he smiled back up at me, "oh, you think the white will go great with the polish?"

I nodded a little as Harry just beamed at me. It really didn't take much to get him to look at me like that. How I had ever gotten as fortunate as to have him, I wasn't sure.

He just kept grinning as he slipped it over his soft, messy curls, his arms going through the sleeves. He fixed the sleeves and looked back up at me.

"You look perfect," I whispered to him, gaining a huge smile from him.

"Yeah, I kinda prefer this sort of shirt with the polish myself," Harry said and looked in the mirror at his shirt and nails together.

I snickered a little as he smiled at me. He had a way of making me feel comfortable after I said things like that.

I wasn't used to this. I wasn't used to talking to a guy like this. All of this was new territory. I hadn't had this back home. I hadn't experienced hardly anything... and definitely nothing like Harry had.

I was really unsure of myself in some ways with him, like when I talked to him. I could be very open with him and not really even put much thought into it because it would come so easy and I could regret what I said two seconds later. But Harry, he always would make me smile by saying something... And he'd always talk to me about whatever it was I had said.

He was very easy going. He didn't mind being open, at least not now. And part of me told me that he had always been this way. And he probably had even been this way with Darren, as scary as that sounded.

Harry was the type of guy who was honest and open, and even more so with people he cared about. I had imagined that he was the same with Darren at a younger age... maybe 18-19, when Harry actually seemed to enjoy his company.

I pushed the thoughts away and glanced back at Harry fixing his curls, "you look amazing, love. Let's get going."

Harry nodded and picked up his box again, digging out several things and stuffing them in the pocket of his skinny jeans. He picked up his coat and grabbed Gemma's keys while I stopped at the fridge.

"Oh, grab those 2 blankets on the sofa," I told him, Harry stopping abruptly behind me and giving me a funny look, "just get them."

"What the fuck do we need blankets for?" He smirked and walked over to the sofa, "am I seriously carrying blankets down the sidewalk?"

"No, you can sit in the cab with them with this," I held up 2 bottles of wine to show him, "and I'll run into the bistro and get the food."

Harry seemed intrigued now as he slowly strutted back over, "what exactly are we doing?"

"Can't tell you yet," I smiled at him and looked on the counter for the keys to the flat. I picked them up quickly and Harry looked at me, a sly grin on his face.

He shook his head and walked to Gemma's room quickly.

"What are you doing?" I asked him as he flipped on the light and went through her container on the dresser.

I watched Harry pull out lipstick, actual lipstick. He didn't even look at me... he applied it to his lips in her mirror in a matter of seconds, as if it was second nature to him.

He placed it in his pocket and fixed his hair again before dabbing his lips with his fingers, my eyes still on him. He kept his finger on his lip as he turned to me, "what?"

"I... nothing," I stuttered out as I noticed the darkish red shade of his lips. Wow, he looked amazing.

"Freaks you out?" He smirked at me and picked the blankets up from Gemma's bed.

"No, actually, not at all," I replied staring at him, "I... I was thinking how good you look in it..."

Harry stopped and stared at me, his smile beaming again, "you just keep surprising me. First, you're color coordinating my shirt with my nails and next, you're complimenting my lips."

I could feel my cheeks burning but I smiled back at him, "well, what can I say? You've sorta changed me. Or really, you brought out me."

Harry just kept smiling as he leaned over a little, "wanna kiss me? See how it feels on your lips?"

I smirked at him, his openness never failing to amaze me, "yeah, if you're offering."

"Tell me where we're going first," he smirked and leaned back.

"Oh, you prick," I groaned while Harry just snickered and headed to the front door.

We took a cab up to the bistro, then I made a pit stop at the local all night shopping mart. Harry couldn't see what I had bought thankfully. I gave the driver directions to the flat and Harry looked at me the second I gave the driver the address.

"What?" I glanced back at him.

"You're going to the place Liam got?" He asked softly.

"Well, maybe," I replied shrugging.

"Lou, there's no power on yet," Harry laughed a little.

"I know," I smiled and glanced out the window while Harry just smiled at me.

Few minutes later, we had arrived at the small, 3 bedroom flat in not a too overly populated area. It had a nice garden out back with plenty of room.

I pulled out the key after gathering the bags of food from the car. Harry held the other bag, trying to peek inside.

"Stop that," I said, swatting his hand away from it. Harry looked up at me and laughed. "Don't ruin it."

"Ok, alright, Jesus," he mumbled and waited for me to unlock the door.

We stepped into the darkness, the only light coming in was the moon and the street lamp.

Harry sat the bag down in the floor and took out his phone, turning on the flashlight and walked around a little.

"It's quite nice," he said over to me.

"It is yeah," I nodded a little and went to the bag and pulled out the candles I had bought.

Harry wasn't paying any mind. He was too caught up in shining the light around the kitchen area and the upstairs.

"Wonder if we get to pick our room," he said as he came back down. His eyes locked on me, the candles lit on the floor at my feet.

He slowly walked over and looked at this small space I had made. I had the blankets in the middle of about 6 candles. Harry's eyes said enough; he was speechless.

"Don't hate me for doing this," I started as I sat down with the food on top of the blanket, "come on. Eat, love."

Harry just smiled even bigger and stepped over to sit with me. He slipped his boots off and sat cross legged while he pulled his food out.

"You didn't have to do this, you know," he said to me.

"I know," I said and popped the top on the first bottle of wine, "but it felt like the right thing to do."

Harry was nearly glowing. I knew how much this meant to him. It was evident.

We sat and ate slowly, turning music on on my phone about halfway through. Harry even pulled out a joint and we lit it right there on those blankets.

We had smoked nearly the whole thing and we were laughing over the stupidest things now; but it didn't matter. Harry was all that mattered.

"I think I need to stop the wine," he giggled a little and sat the second bottle down.

"Probably a good idea," I nodded, "you don't need to push yourself."

"What do you mean?" He asked curiously.

"I mean, you snorted shit before we even left," I managed to get out. I lit a cigarette and sighed.

"I've done far worse," Harry replied a little quieter.

"Maybe you shouldn't at all," I said quietly as I studied him in the candle light.

He licked his lips slowly and smiled a little, "so, still want to know how that feels on your lips?"

I smiled at him as I exhaled my smoke slowly, "I would love to actually."

Harry pulled the lipstick back out and applied it to his lips really slow, my eyes tracing his motion on his lips. His lips were perfect for lipstick, there was no denying it.

He rubbed his lips together gently as he put the lipstick back in his pocket and looked at me, "it's got a very silky feel to it."

"I'll decide," I said back, my hand reaching to his neck, pulling him in and crashing my lips into his.

Harry didn't hesitate. His tongue entered my mouth in a matter of seconds, his fingers pulling at my hair.

He pulled away and pulled the white shirt over his head, before his eyes fell back on me. He picked up my hands and placed them on his bare chest. His nails, his hair, his face... I had never seen something as beautiful as this. And it was amazing.

I couldn't help but smile at him and he gave me a curious look.

"What?"

"Nothing," I started slowly, "I just... wow. I never thought I'd meet someone like you."

Harry's face turned serious as he stared at me, the candles flickering a little.

"Why do you talk about me like that?" He asked me in a weak tone.

"Because you're incredible," I whispered to him, "you have the ability to make me feel things I've never felt before..."

Harry bit his lip a little, his fingers gripping my hands. "So, you're telling me that I've changed you?"

"Yes," I stated, Harry's eyes glancing back, "I am telling you that. Look at you."

He glanced down at himself and smiled a little, "what?"

"Your clothes, your attitude," I started, "the way you carry yourself... I just never saw myself accepting who I was fully and being with someone who is so comfortable and confident in who he is."

Harry's cheeks flushed again as he pushed his hair back. I loved that I could have that impact on him.

"You think I'm that confident?" He asked me.

"I think you are," I nodded, "I think you struggled with seeing who you were for a long time... but I feel like you got to a point where you stopped caring, like you said. And you just became who you are."

Harry stared back at me, closing his mouth. I could tell I was speaking the truth.

"It's not a bad thing," I said quickly, "you're confident in who you are. That's not bad at all."

He smiled a little and played with his rings again, "thanks, I guess."

"Look, it's not easy for me to admit that," I sighed, picking up the wine, "to just blurt out, 'hey, you made me accept who I was'..."

Harry's eyes fell back on me, "it's ok. I'm glad you told me that, Lou."

"When I was young, I just didn't want to accept it," I started as he watched me closely, "I mean, I have hardly any experience in relationships or guys..."

Harry smirked a little, "you do well for yourself."

"Yeah, figured you'd have something to say," I rolled my eyes but smiled at him as he snickered a little.

"I'm glad I could help you find you," he whispered to me, his fingers tracing down my cheek, "I just hope in the end it's worth it to you."

"Stop saying things like that," I said back softly, Harry nodding a little. "I've already told you... it will be worth it no matter what happens."

He smiled, his fingers slipping down my neck slowly. I kept my eyes locked on his as he stared at me. I could never get over this look in his eyes.

He grabbed my hoodie and pulled it over my head before taking off my t-shirt as well.

"Can I... can I do something?" He asked me, almost stuttering.

"What?" I asked him.

He bit his lip and smiled, "is it alright if I leave lipstick on you?"

I gave him a sly look as he just grinned and looked smug.

"I know what you're getting at," I whispered, "and, yeah, you have my permission."

Harry only smiled more and pulled it out, lining his lips again before tossing it away and unbuttoning his jeans.

I drank down a good bit of the wine before Harry took it and pushed me back on the blanket, his hands going to my skinny jeans.

He tossed my clothes away and looked back at me as he straddled me, his eyes staying on me.

The friction between us was insane. Harry knew very well that it didn't take much to turn me on.

He ground his hips against me as his painted lips went to my neck, planting kisses in different areas. I closed my eyes, my fingers tracing through his curls while his lips were on me, his hot breath against my ear.

He moved down my chest, his eyes staying on me as he left the print of red lips all over on his way down.

His lips traced down until he settled between my legs, pulling me up with his hands.

"Fuck, really?" I managed to get out.

Harry's tongue was already tracing over every inch of me, his painted fingers moving in and out of me gently. God, this was too much.

His hands gripped my hips tighter as his lips dove in further on me, his eyes glancing back at me. I could've came just from the sight.

He stopped and got up, before he was sitting down on me, working his way down on me.

"Jesus," I mumbled out as he sat still for a minute, his eyes closed.

He began moving his hips slowly on me, his head falling back and his curls grazing over his bare back.

I gripped his thighs as he moved on me, his head falling forward and his eyes meeting mine.

"How's this for a lap dance?" He smirked at me and sighed out.

"Fuck," I moaned out as he only sped up on me. I had never seen anyone move like he did. It was almost too much to watch.

Harry's finger nails dug into my sides as he cried out loud. And that's all it took to push me over the edge. My moans and Harry's echoed off the empty walls of that flat.

He finally slowed down, catching his breath and smiling at me. He pointed towards my neck and only grinned bigger.

"That color looks amazing on you."

I grinned up at him, "yeah, well, it looks better on you, I must say."

He only snickered and got up to clean up.

Few moments later, we were sharing a cigarette seated on the blankets. Harry had his back up against the wall as he exhaled the smoke.

I sat and studied over every inch of his body while he was looking down... he was mesmerizing.

"You've lost weight," I spoke up. Harry turned to me and laughed.

"What?"

"You look like you have," I shrugged, "some."

Harry smirked, "doubtful, but thanks."

"You don't need to lose weight," I retorted, "you're already skinny..."

"I'm not skinny," he glanced back and laughed.

"Harry, I'm short... you're skinny," I said nodding.

"You just called yourself short?" He asked before chuckling out loud, "never thought I'd see the day..."

"You're right, I take it back," I said smiling at him.

He kept laughing and shaking his head as he gave the cigarette back, "you're not short. You're perfect."

"What does perfect mean to you?" I asked simply.

He glanced back, looking as if I caught him off guard with the question.

"Tell me," I said and traced over his face gently, "what is perfect to you?"

"Uh, perfect," he started out slowly, placing his hands together on his knees, "perfect, to me, is someone who believes in others. It's someone who's supportive of someone, even if they can't fully accept themselves..."

"That's deep," I whispered as he turned to me.

"That's you," he said back, his eyes not even blinking, "perfect is someone who makes you want to be better than you've ever been. Perfect is someone who sees you as you are and accepts you."

I tried to nod as he just smiled a little.

"And you thought you were the only one who could be really open," he joked with me.

I laughed a little and glanced back around at the darkness. "I'd say you have a good grasp on the definition of perfect."

Harry leaned his head back and smiled again, "so do you.... even if I have a hard time realizing that."

"What? That you're my definition of perfect?" I asked slowly. He nodded some. "You just don't give yourself enough credit, that's all."

Harry smiled at me a little, "no, but I have you to do that for me, right?"

I laughed and lay my head on his shoulder, "that you do, love."

He sat quiet again, his head against mine while music played softly in the background. I knew his mind was in a million places right now. I only wished I could know how he was feeling and what he was thinking about all of this.


	36. Chapter 36

Harry Styles

 

 

I felt my phone buzzing by my head and opened my eyes, trying to focus on the screen. It was really early still, I knew. Louis and I hadn't come back from the flat until nearly 4 am. I felt like I had just fallen asleep, although sleeping didn't come easy at all.

I picked up the phone and saw 3 missed calls from Niall and then a text saying, "Harry, let me in."

I got up quickly, but trying not to wake Louis. I slipped my boxers back on and went to open Gemma's door to see Niall standing there giving me a miserable look.

"How long have you been here?" I asked before yawning.

"Like 15 minutes," he replied as he walked in with his bags, "did you lads not get my message saying I was coming back?"

"I... I haven't really checked my phone," I replied rubbing my eyes, "sorry, man. Been avoiding it."

"It's alright," he shrugged and threw his stuff onto the sofa, then turned to me, "Zayn asked me to come back."

"Why?" I asked him, crossing my arms.

"Said I needed to keep Louis company," he told me, "I don't know what's going on, Harry, but whatever it is, it doesn't feel right."

"It's not," I mumbled back, "so, Zayn asked you to keep Louis company today?"

Niall nodded a little and stared at me, "I'm not gonna ask why... it's not really my business... but..."

"Darren found out it was us who broke into his house," I admitted to him, "or, well, me anyways. I don't know if he knows Zayn and Louis were there."

"He knows?" Niall asked through wide eyes, "what... what's he going to do about it?"

I bit my lip and thought over how to explain it, without telling the complete truth, "I have to meet Zayn to get the stuff back from him. I'll cost Darren a lot of money if I don't. So, Zayn is getting it and I'm taking it back to him."

"And that's it?" Niall asked, "he's just going to take it back and let you off the hook completely?"

I didn't say anything. I kept my eyes on the floor while Niall's eyes stayed on me.

"Yeah, I didn't think so," Niall said finally, "look, maybe someone should go with you to meet him..."

"No," I interrupted, "he asked me to bring it. I'm not taking anyone. It wouldn't end well, Niall. You know that."

"You're damn right, it wouldn't," Niall almost snapped, "if the 4 of us go with you..."

"Stop," I said back looking up at him, "you know if the 4 of you went, you'd kill him."

Niall stayed still for a second, then finally managed to nod, "yeah, well, he'd deserve it, in my book."

"I've... I've gotta go meet Zayn in just a few minutes," I started, trying my best to change the subject, "I know Lou is going to be pissed at me for leaving him here..."

"That's why I'm here," Niall stated, "look, I'll do my best to keep him here... can't make any promises."

I nodded and I went back into the bedroom, Louis still snoring from under the covers. I dug out some clothes, opting for one of my sheer button ups and skinny jeans.

I loved dressing up; for me, it had always been more of an escape because I could dress and make myself look like a well off, happy young man... even though that was far from the truth.

I could put on any fancy shirt, or pair of boots, and walk around looking as if I did have it all. And I had done that for so long; it was part of the front I had put on for years.

I loved the clothes I wore though. I had grown into this look. I liked the way I looked. It took me a while to even accept that. If only I felt like I could accept I was worth the trouble I put someone through... I didn't think I'd ever accept that when it came to Louis.

I fixed my hair in the mirror, my mind filled with so many different thoughts. I didn't know how any of this would go, or even what to expect. I didn't know what Zayn was going to have to say for himself. I think that worried me more than even seeing Darren.

What could Darren possibly do to me? It's not like he hadn't put me through enough hell... it couldn't possibly get much worse.

I pulled out the box in the closet again and took out some things and stuffed it down in my skinny jeans. I knew I wouldn't make it through this day completely sober. I hated myself for even thinking that way, but that's what my life had come to. It had come to using things I shouldn't to cover and numb feelings I should feel.

After I finally finished getting ready, I picked up my phone and wallet and glanced back at Louis, still sleeping peacefully. I leaned down and kissed his head gently and whispered an 'I love you' to him before getting up and opening the bedroom door.

Niall glanced over at me as I went to the kitchen and took out one of Gemma's note pads. I wrote out a note to Louis slowly.

I'm not sure why I wanted to do it... I felt like he needed a handwritten note so that maybe it would feel more personal... and he would understand me. That really didn't make sense in my head, but that's what kept crossing my mind while I wrote out this long ass note. Louis was right. I was going to be that person to write out really long, sappy as shit, vows. I could hear his accent in my head and I smiled as I kept moving the pen across the paper, the words for him flowing freely.

I smiled a little and folded it up, looking over at Niall. "Can you give this to him as soon as he gets up?"

"What is it?" He got up and walked over.

"Just... make sure he gets it," I sighed, "alright?"

"Ok," Niall agreed and took the note as my phone went off.

I pulled it out to see a text from Zayn saying he was almost here. I turned back to Niall, "I'm gonna go. Thanks for coming back, man."

"Hey, you'd do it for me," Niall said quietly, "look, just be careful, alright? Please?"

"I'll do my best," I nodded and headed to the door, my mind beginning to race again.

I pushed my hair back nervously in the elevator on the ride down. I hated this. I wanted Louis to go with me. I wanted him by my side. But I knew that this was something he couldn't be here for, no matter how much he or I wanted it.

If I had taken him to Darren's with me, I knew what would happen... I knew Louis would beat the shit out of him... I knew Louis would have a hard time stopping himself before Darren was dead.

I stepped outside, the wind blowing like crazy and drizzle falling. I pulled my coat tighter and buried my hands in the pockets waiting for Zayn to arrive.

I was nervous, to put it simply. He was my best friend. He was the person who was there for so long; I couldn't see him betraying me. It just wasn't possible.

I pushed my hair back and saw his car coming. He slowed and stopped and I walked around to get in.

I opened the door, my eyes widening when I saw his face. He looked terrible; his eye was swollen, his lip was busted...

"What the hell happened to you?" I asked quickly as I sat down looking him over, "Jesus Christ, Zayn. What the fuck?"

He lit a cigarette and sighed out a hit, not glancing back at me while he started back up the street.

"Tell me what happened," I said quieter as I kept watching him.

"Let's just say I know who ratted you out this whole time," he mumbled lowly.

I looked at him confused, "what? What are you talking about?"

"How Darren has always known where you were?" He looked back at me.

"Who?" I whispered, not taking my eyes off of him. I couldn't get over how he looked. He looked absolutely terrible;  he had the shit beat out of him.

He hit his cigarette again and stayed silent.

"Tell me, please," I said, "tell me what happened."

"I will," he mumbled a little, then sat back and continued our drive.

We arrived at his friend James' house. I had been friends with him, too, years ago. Not so much now.

"You left Darren's shit here?" I asked him as we got out.

He nodded a little, "yeah, well, James didn't know what it was. I just told him I had some bags I needed to put up somewhere until I got back."

I followed him inside looking around. He wasn't here, it seemed. I noticed the blankets on the sofa and I had guessed that's where Zayn had slept.

I took a seat on it, placing my hands together as I stared up at Zayn. He was taking his coat off slowly, as if he was having trouble removing it.

"Are you alright?" I asked him.

He nodded a little, but his face wasn't convincing me.

I stood up and walked over, pulling his coat off completely. I pulled his t-shirt up and glanced over his chest, then back up at him, "what the hell happened to you, Zayn?"

"I ran into a few guys who work for Darren," he admitted finally, his eyes not meeting mine.

"They did this to you?" I asked. He stayed quiet again. I pulled his shirt over his head slowly, tossed it on the sofa, and looked him over, "Jesus, you could have a broken rib. You should go to the hospital."

"No, I'm fine," he mumbled back, his eyes finally looking back at me, "I'm... I'm sorry. It's my fault... an old friend of ours is working for Darren..."

"What?" I asked him quietly.

"Yeah, I just so happen to run into him in Dublin, the club we were at," Zayn replied, "was just talking and, you know... turns out he was working for Darren..."

"Who?" I asked.

"Remember Jason?" Zayn asked me softly.

I did remember him. He and Zayn were best friends back in the day. But how did he work for Darren? "He's... he's worked for Darren this entire time?"

Zayn managed to nod, but didn't glance back at me.

"So, he's been telling Darren where I am because you told him?" I asked him, "I'm confused."

"I didn't tell him every time," he looked back at me, "Harry, we were close... alright? I've talked to him so much over the past 2 years and yeah, he did ask where you were a lot. I.. I never thought of it as a big deal when he asked how you were and what you were up to... but, he was with them in Dublin... imagine that, right?"

I sighed and crossed my arms, closing my eyes. "He's bought off everyone, hasn't he?"

"He didn't buy off me," Zayn almost snapped at me as he stepped closer, "alright?"

"I see that," I replied seriously as I looked him over, "and I'm not upset over it, alright? I'm fine."

"Yeah, but it shouldn't have happened to you," he sighed and rubbed his head slowly, "I was cornered by these guys in Dublin when Jason offered to go get us an ale... and yeah, he works for him..."

I kept my eyes on him and could tell how much he was struggling to admit this.

"Zayn, don't," I whispered, "it's really ok. Look, I know how Darren works. And I'm not surprised in the slightest he found a way to get to you, too."

"I want to kill him," he glanced back at me, "he deserves to fucking die, Harry. I'm not playing."

"Have you even doctored your eye?" I asked him.

He smiled a little finally, "uh, not really. Just sorta rinsed it off."

"You're pathetic," I sighed and went to the bathroom, Zayn tailing me. I searched through the cabinets looking for a first aid kit while Zayn watched me.

"You don't have to baby me, you know," Zayn smirked at me.

I smiled a little and pulled out some ointment and a wet cloth. I rubbed it over his eye slowly, his eyes staying on mine.

"Almost done," I said quietly as I wiped off the excess water with my hand gently, Zayn smiling a little.

I applied the ointment gently around his brow and down the side of his eye while he kept staring at me.

"You alright?" I glanced back at him smirking a little.

"I'm... I'm fine," he muttered out, "sorry... I'm just out of it, I guess."

"You sure that's all?" I raised an eyebrow and asked, giving him a sly smile.

"Are you high already, Harry?" He chuckled a little, his eyes searching mine.

"No comment," I grinned and put a little more on his eye.

"Harry... I have to tell you one more thing," he said lowly and acted as if he didn't want to say it.

"What?" I asked him.

"I... I have told Darren before where you were," he whispered to me, his face inches from mine. "It's been a long time ago... but even now, I feel guilty."

I stepped back a little and stared at him, "why? Why would you?"

"It was when you were with Jeff," he admitted, "I... I was jealous..."

My mind went blank and I couldn't find the words again as I stared back at him. There were none. I hadn't expected to hear that from him.

"Why were you jealous?" I got out, "why?"

"Because I had feelings for you," he admitted staring at me seriously, "and when Jeff came along, I just hated it."

I was trying to get the words out of my mouth, "you had feelings for me... so, what, you told Darren when I was with Jeff or something?"

He nodded a little, "I told him several times... Darren knows how I feel about you... why do you think he hates me?"

I pushed my hair behind my ear, biting my lip again. It was a terrible habit I had when I was this nervous.

"The past is the past," I finally got out and rubbed his eye a little, "I'm not mad about it and I don't hate you. There. maybe that'll help your eye."

Zayn put his hand on my waist, his eyes staying on mine as he smiled a little.

"I should get Darren's things and go, Zayn," I said trying to force a smile.

He nodded a little and walked into one of the rooms. It looked like an office. The bags were in the floor and I got down to gather them up.

"I'm trying some of this," Zayn started as he took one of the bags and pulled something out.

"What?" I laughed at him, "no. He'll know it's missing."

"I'll put cash back in here," he shrugged.

I sat the bags down in the living area while Zayn went in the bathroom. I waited in the doorway while he put it out on the counter.

"Want some?" He turned to me.

"Uh," I started, my mind saying yes and no. It'd make Darren's even more bearable. "Yeah, sure."

He put it out for me and I did it within seconds, closing my eyes and staying still for a few minutes as I held my nose. It still burned.

"Are you sure you're not mad at me?" He asked me, crossing his arms.

"Zayn," I said quietly, "no. I'm not. Louis might be though if you ever tell him any of that."

He laughed a little and I grinned at him.

"He's a lucky guy," he said seriously, "really. I've been fortunate enough to know you since you were 13... and yeah, I was stupid enough to used to think that we'd end up together."

"That doesn't surprise me," I laughed a bit, "I mean, I used to tell myself that at 14... if I never found someone I'd just be with you."

Zayn laughed even more, "really? Well, yeah, guess we could've been each other's back ups... made a pact that if we were both single at 30, we'd get married."

I shook my head and laughed as I put up the first aid kit. "You don't even like guys, remember?"

Zayn shrugged, "yeah, well, I liked you."

I stared back at him as I propped up against the doorway.

"I realized how childish it was of me after Jeff died," he looked down at his hands, "and I finally sorta just let it go... and we started working together a lot, so, you know... it was like I still had you..."

I can't believe you didn't tell me," I said quietly, "why'd you keep it from me?"

"Because you and I both know you never felt the same," he said back in a sincere tone, "and I knew that. Yeah, I was immature a time or two when I told Darren where you were. And I regret stooping that low... makes me no better than him and what he's doing trying to keep you."

"It's really ok," I said giving him a reassuring nod, "you know me... I don't hold grudges. Against anyone."

"Yeah, well, some people you should," he said back, "but I get it that you don't... that's one thing about you that will never change."

"Why don't you go back to Gemma's?" I asked quietly. "And I'll be back from his place in a bit?"

"Really think that's a good idea? Louis probably fears the worst about me right now," Zayn smirked. "He probably thinks I work for the bastard."

I smiled, "yeah, well..."

I picked up the bags and carried them outside to Zayn's car and threw them in the backseat. Zayn made his way back out while I climbed into the passengers seat.

"I was almost expecting the worst," I told him as he headed back to Gemma's.

"The worst?" He asked.

"Yeah, like... Darren had bought you off, too, or something," I mumbled out, "that's sad, isn't it? When you have to start questioning people you've known for a long time..."

"I'm sorry," he said again, his voice low, "I didn't know he was working with them you know that."

"It's alright," I whispered, "thanks for being honest with me... about everything."

He smiled a little, "yeah, well, I care about you a lot, Harry."

"Yeah, that was apparent when I heard your voice shouting at Darren the other morning," I told him.

He sighed a little and lit another cigarette, "he had the audacity to FaceTime me, Harry...."

I looked back at him, "what?"

He nodded and kept his eyes on the road, "yeah, when he was taking you back to your mum's... he FaceTimed me and told me thanks for telling him... I yelled a lot of shit to him and told him I wanted to kill him."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before glancing back out the rain covered window, "I'm ok, though."

"Harry," he started, "it's always going to be 'I'm ok though' until one day it isn't ok..."

I looked back at him, "he won't kill me..."

"No, you don't know that," Zayn shook his head, "you have no idea what a guy like that is capable of... if he can be that obsessed with you, then, tell me how he'd stop himself from getting too carried away?"

I stared back down at my hands, knowing he was  completely right.

"Harry, he brought you back not too many days ago and you looked like he beat the fucking shit out of you," Zayn started again, "tell me, would he be able to stop himself from killing you? If it came to that point? He beat you senseless that day..."

"I know," I managed to reply, keeping my eyes on my hands, "what's your point though? Can you tell me what other choice I might have in this, considering he's apparently quite powerful and all?"

Zayn sat back again and sighed, "killing him."

I glanced back at him and I knew he was serious. I didn't answer him. I turned my attention to the passing streets and cars again.

I didn't think I could ever bring myself to kill Darren, I knew that. As much as I did hate him, and despised him, I knew I'd never go that far; that wasn't who I was. It never had been.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter is very heavy.
> 
> Recommended songs for this chapter:   
> Requiem for a Dream  
> Requiem for a Tower

* * *

Harry Styles

 

  
"Let me follow you," Zayn kept insisting as we stopped in front of Gemma's building.

"I'll be ok," I glanced up at him, "thanks, man. Really."

"Harry," he sighed, "you're carrying a lot of shit on you. You cannot do this alone."

"Nothing is gonna happen to me between here and there," I said, "he's not going to do anything to me."

"You don't know that," Zayn replied and I could tell he was getting angry, "I don't want... I don't want anything happening to you again."

"Nothing will happen," I said slowly, "Darren hasn't been an ass at all... I mean, his texts haven't been off. He seems fine..."

"God," Zayn shook his head, "Harry, he took you to his fucking house in Holmes Chapel and used you... and you sit here and talk about him like he's fucking normal. Newsflash: he isn't normal."

"I know he isn't," I sighed and rubbed my head, "but... I just have a feeling it'll be alright. I'll have my phone, alright?"

Zayn didn't look convinced at all. I looked down at my phone, Darren saying he would be here shortly.

Zayn lit a cigarette and sighed it out, "can I get out and say something?"

I looked back at him, "Zayn..."

"I've got a gun," he said casually, as if we were discussing the weather.

"Jesus," I said my eyes wide, "get real here. You can't do that in the middle of fucking London."

"You can take it with you," he looked back at me.

"I'm not doing that," I almost shouted at him.

Zayn sighed and nodded, "I'm sorry... I shouldn't even think that way. It's hard not to."

"I can't do that," I said quieter, "I don't want to go to jail over him."

"I will," he looked back at me, his face staying serious. He really meant it.

"No, you won't," I said, my eyes staying on him, "stop."

"I'm not playing, Harry," he said back in a gentle tone, "I'd do it in a heartbeat."

"I know you mean that... but you will never do that for me," I said, my voice cracking, "no."

He looked away again, and all I could see was how upset and hurt he was. I hadn't realized what an affect this had on Zayn. He never told me. But I never told him things either.

"You know, I'm really sorry," I started, his eyes looking back, "that I never said anything about Darren... the actual truth, I mean... I should've."

"Harry, you've already apologized to me," he whispered.

"Yeah, but," I said looking back down at my hands, "I just feel bad that I didn't tell you, of all people."

"I wasn't exactly honest with you, was I?" He asked me, my eyes looking back at his, "I mean, I lied about Darren to steal his shit from that flat and you've gotten shit for it because of me..."

"So did you," I said seriously, "don't blame yourself, too, Zayn. God, I've already had to hear this from Louis."

"I figured," he nodded a little before looking up at the coming car. It was Darren's. "Harry..."

I looked back at him after getting the bags from the backseat.

"Don't hesitate to call me," he placed his hand on my hand and said, his eyes glaring into mine, "I'll be there in no time..."

"Alright," I managed to get out. I hugged him tight. I don't know what drove me to, but I felt like it was needed.

"I love you, man," I said to him.

"Love you, too, Harry," he said softly, "I'll see you in just a little bit. Right?"

"Right," I replied quietly as I let him go, forcing a smile again, "look, go take care of that eye. And get your shit back together to come back to Gemma's."

Zayn laughed a little as I stepped out, "be careful, babe."

I nodded and closed the door, my eyes going to Darren's car up ahead. No, this didn't look suspicious. I was carrying 4 duffle bags in my hands, going from one car to another.

I opened the door to the backseat and tossed the bags in, Darren rolling his window down.

"Get in," he said softly.

I bit my lip and glanced back at Zayn who was still sitting there, watching me closely. I knew it was taking everything he had in him not to get out of that car and go after Darren. He wanted to so badly.

I climbed in the car slowly, looking back at Zayn's car in the rearview mirror while Darren drove off.

He wasn't saying anything; it was a bit scary honestly. I wasn't sure what to expect from him.

"Did you get it all?" He asked me, his eyes staying on the road ahead.

"Uh, it's all there," I replied, "your money is in it, too."

"Does your boyfriend know?" He asked, "that you're with me?"

"Does that matter?" I asked glancing back at him.

He shrugged a little.

"Where are we going?" I asked him.

"My place," he replied flatly, "told you that."

I nodded a little and glanced back out the window staying quiet; the feeling of easiness I had before was beginning to fade. It didn't feel like this would end well.

What could he possibly do, though? Would he ever bring himself to actually kill me? I really didn't see that happening; but then again, I had underestimated him so many times.

We pulled in his driveway and I got out slowly while he grabbed the bags in the back. I thought I would never see this place again; I had been wrong again.

I followed him inside, the place looking better than it had.

"So," I started as I watched him putting the bags down, "wanna tell me how you knew it was me?"

He glanced back up at me, "why should I?"

Our eyes stayed locked on one another's, his face unreadable; I couldn't tell whether he was angry or not.

"Here's a better question: what possessed you to break into my flat?" He asked me, crossing his arms.

I bit my lip, not breaking eye contact. I wasn't afraid of him this time. "Felt like a good thing to do."

He smirked a little, "you've got balls, Harry. I always thought you did, but wow. For you to take that much from me, and to nearly cost me a fortune..."

"Well, you've got it back," I interrupted, "so, no harm done."

He shook his head, almost laughing, "I've missed your sarcasm."

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "can I go?"

He glanced back at me, "not yet..."

"I don't... I don't want to keep doing this," I managed to say out loud.

He sat the bag he had down and glanced back, "really? Tell me something I don't know, Harold..."

"Then, what is it going to take for you to leave me alone?" I asked him raising my voice. "Can't you get it that I don't want this anymore!"

He stayed still, watching me closely. He didn't seem angry; he seemed like he was choosing his words wisely; it wasn't something I was used to. I was used to him lashing out, or at least, trying to act all innocent while I was the one shouting at him.

"I do get it," he said back finally, his eyes not leaving mine. "And I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, Harry..."

I sighed and mumbled, "Jesus Christ."

There were a few moments of silence before I finally allowed it all to come out of my mouth. "I've heard this shit from you over and over, haven't I? How many times have you tried to tell me how sorry you were for everything?! How many times have I seen past it all?! I'm not doing this anymore!"

"How many times have you said that?" He asked me, stepping closer. "How many times have you walked out of here telling me you wouldn't be back, Harry, yet, you came back?"

"I'm not that person anymore," I stated, "and I mean it. I'm done."

He almost smirked as he glanced off, "right. Until I text you and you meet me again like the other night..."

"No," I said back louder, "listen to me for once! I know you don't give a shit about me... you never have! You only cared about yourself and using me to make you happy! You never cared about what I wanted... you spent years forcing yourself and everything else on me... and I honestly hate myself for ever allowing you to do that. I hate that I believed you enough to ever get caught up in all of this... I'm done, Darren. I'm fucking done."

I expected him to attack me at any moment because that was what normally happened, but, surprisingly, he stepped back, turning his attention back to the bags.

"Call a cab," he said softer.

I stared at him, completely caught off guard by this. This wasn't like him at all. Why was he acting this way now?

"Tell me how you knew it was me first," I said back, leaning against the countertop and watching him.

He looked back at me, "that's really none of your business, is it?"

"I want to know... I want to know how you always seem to know where I am," I said seriously, "tell me. Tell me how you've managed to keep up with me all this time."

"You know, it's funny," he started, "I guess I shouldn't have underestimated you..."

I stared at him confused as he turned back to me.

"I didn't give you enough credit... when I first met you... I thought someone like you would be easy," he started explaining and the anger in me was growing by the minute. I knew where this was going; I was just waiting for the right words to come out of his mouth... then again, I knew he was probably trying to push me into attacking him. I was sure that's what he wanted.

"But you turned out to be a lot smarter than I had thought," he continued, his eyes now back on me, "you sure have changed since high school."

I clenched my fists, restraining myself from hitting him; I wanted to. But that's exactly what he wanted. I knew this by now.

"You turned out to be a lot more trouble than I had ever expected you to be," he said harshly, "you couldn't just be satisfied with an easy life that I had given you... no, you wanted more..."

"Stop," I interrupted, trying to control myself, "I didn't ask for this life... I didn't ask for you..."

"You kinda did," he nodded a little, "or else, you would've never allowed me back in your life. But then again, at 18, I suppose you were just more naive than anything, right?"

"You're pathetic," I said lowly, "you're fucking pathetic."

I pulled out my phone and called for a cab while Darren just stood there watching me. I didn't pay any mind to him, I gave them the address and ended the call before lighting a cigarette.

"I'll wait outside," I mumbled to him. I started for the door, then turned back to him, "tell me something... how many other guys have you put through this?"

"What?" He almost laughed.

"How many other guys have you promised the world to, only for them to find out you're a wolf in sheep's clothing?" I dared to ask him.

I knew he was getting pissed now. His demeanor had changed completely. "Really, Harry? You think I've done this to someone else? No... you've always been the only one..."

I replied glaring at him, "why me? Out of everyone, why was it me? Why did you choose me?"

He leaned back against the counter, his eyes not leaving mine, "because... once upon a time, you did care about me... whether you want to admit that or not..."

"That's beside the point," I snapped, pushing my hair back, "you had it all planned out from the day you saw me in high school... why?"

Darren shook his head a little, "I'm not doing this with you..."

"Don't you think I deserve an explanation by now?" I yelled at him. "Instead of spewing lies from your mouth, why don't you try the truth for once?"

"Stop."

"Why? Does the truth hurt?" I asked him harshly, "let me say it for you: because you're fucking psycho... because you're so obsessed with me that you can't see anything but me..."

He had pushed me back against the wall, my words being cut off by him slamming my head into the wall, his hands staying on my shoulders.

We stared at each other for several seconds; I wasn't backing down though. I was sick of this life... I was sick of him.

I tried to push him off of me, but this time, he wasn't letting go... he was beyond angry and I knew it. He had pulled me by my hair and slammed my head against the wall, his lips almost against my ear.

"Why do you do this?" He whispered to me, keeping my hair in his grip, "why do you just want to piss me off? Do you have a death wish, Styles?"

"Maybe I do," I mumbled back to him.

The words had barely escaped my mouth before his fist had met my mouth, my head hitting the wall for the 3rd time.

I tried to shove him off of me once more, his hand still ahold of my hair... he shoved me stomach first into the wall, my face smashed against it... I could feel the blood running down from my lip.

"Maybe I should teach you a lesson," he said lowly into my ear as I tried to move.  He grabbed my arms and held them behind my back, "stop fighting, Styles, it's fucking pointless. How many times have we been through this?"

I felt his hands going for my pants and I was beginning to lose it... I wanted to be anywhere but here.

I heard a car horn outside, Darren stopping for a second, "well, your cab is here..."

"Let me go," I almost shouted.

"No," he said back, "let's go upstairs..."

I tried to say something, but he had pushed me against the wall again before I had even realized it. My head was killing me by this point.

He grabbed me and was trying to drag me to the stairs while I still tried to shove him off, though it wasn't doing much good now.

Someone knocked on his door and Darren stopped for second. "Well, guess they wasted their time coming here..."

"Get off of me!" I shouted as I did my best to push him off.

We wrestled for a few minutes before he had hit me, causing me to fall head first back against the stairs. My head was spinning now as I held it and closed my eyes.

Darren stepped in closer, his hand pulling my chin up to face him as he almost whispered, "I told you... I own you."

I glared up at him before trying to shove his hand off of my face. He pulled me up by my arm as I continued to still try to get away from him... that's all I wanted to do... because I knew what was coming.

I knew what was about to happen. And I tried to pretend I was anywhere else but here living through this hell.

I tried to block all of it out... I was great at that... I was great at pretending it wasn't happening to me. I kept wishing I would've left when I had the chance... and I once again blamed myself for opening my mouth; for letting my anger overcome me... because I knew exactly what kind of person Darren turned into once I did.

I stumbled out of Darren's house maybe 40 minutes later, my head foggy and clouded... I couldn't really even think straight.

"Harry," I heard Zayn's voice as I looked around the street. I saw his car parked close to Darren's as he got out and ran over to me. His eyes were looking at me in horror, before his face turned to nothing but anger. "I'm gonna fucking kill him..."

"No, you're not," I grabbed him as he started for Darren's door, "Zayn, stop!"

"No, this has gone on long enough, Harry," he almost shouted at me, "the bastard deserves to fucking die!"

I reached over and put my hand over his; the hand that was holding his pistol tightly in it. His eyes looked back at me as I slowly took my other hand and removed the gun from his hand, my eyes staying on him.

"Don't," I whispered to him, his face changing. I could tell he was fighting the urge to cry, or scream.. I wasn't sure. But it wasn't a look I was used to from Zayn. "Take me back. Please."

"Harry," he started again after taking a deep breath, "I don't care to go to prison..."

"Stop," I said quickly, taking his arm and pulling him towards his car, "let's go... now."

Zayn didn't want to, but he finally sighed and climbed back into the driver's seat. I kept the gun beside the door as I kept my eyes down. I could feel Zayn watching me and I knew I didn't need to break in front of him. He didn't need to see or hear what I was feeling. If he did, he would kill Darren... he wouldn't even think about it twice. He would step out of this car and go straight in and shoot him and never regret it. That's who Zayn was; that's who my best friend was.

He finally started the car and left, but I could still tell how much his mind was wandering... and it was rather unnerving. The last thing I ever wanted was for my best friend to be sentenced to prison for murdering a college professor... especially when it would've been my fault.


	38. Chapter 38

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
_"Louis,  
I'm really sorry I didn't wake you. I know you're going to be really pissed at me for not allowing you to go with me. It's not that I didn't want you to. It's more about me needing to do this myself. I hope you can understand that._

_I've lost myself, yet, while I stand here jotting this down for you in an attempt to keep you from getting Niall to drive you to find me, I realize that I'm slowly finding me. And it's amazing that you have found yourself. I have no idea how I could have helped you become yourself. But I am honored it was me. I promise._

_So, please, text me. I promise I'm coming back. And I hope you will really understand why I did this alone. Because circles are meant to be broken. Patterns are meant to be changed. (I found that note in your pocket by the way. I'm glad you kept it.)_

_Love you. H "_

 

I wiped my eyes slowly as I finished Harry's note, Niall standing a few feet away, his arms crossed and his face miserable.

"Wow," I managed to say out loud, my eyes staying on the H at the end. It wasn't like me to cry in front of anyone, but this was different.

"How long ago did he leave, Niall?" I asked him, finally looking back at him.

"Bout 2 hours ago," he replied, "I'm waiting on a text from Zayn."

"Zayn?" I asked, "why Zayn?"

"Because he texted me and told me he was going for Harry," he whispered. "Said he was going to Darren's to get him."

I closed my eyes and sighed, so many horrible thoughts crossing my mind; was Harry alright? Was he still there? Was he hurt?

I tried not to let the anger get the best of me, though it was becoming harder with every passing second. I wanted to scream; I wanted to throw everything I fucking could.

What if something really bad had happened? And he had went without me? What if he had went and I never saw him again? My mind was filled with horror as I stood there, my fingers to my lips, trying to remain calm.

I walked back to the bedroom and grabbed my phone, dialing Harry's number immediately. He probably knew that I would.

It rang about 4 times and he finally picked up, "you're awake."

I felt more at ease hearing his deep voice on the other end. I sighed out and bit my lip, thankful he was ok.

"You're alright," I said into the phone, Niall standing in the doorway listening, "Harry, why the fucking hell..."

"Did you read the note?" He asked me.

"I... I did," I managed to reply quietly, "but you could've been killed..."

"I'm fine, Lou," his voice cracked when he said it and I knew he was anything but fine right now. "We'll be back in just a minute, alright?"

I wanted to ask about Zayn but now wasn't the best time for that; I was more worried about Harry's definition of fine; how did he look?

"Alright, love," I finally said back in a whisper, "I'm... I'm glad you're alright."

"You know me," he said softly, "I always survive."

"I want to be so fucking pissed at you," I sighed into the phone before smiling a little.

"I know you do,"he whispered back, "but I had to do this alone..."

I bit my lip and stayed quiet for a few seconds. "I love you, Harry."

"I love you, too," his reply was soft. "See you in just a minute."

I ended the call and turned to Niall who seemed happier knowing he was alright.

"They'll be back in a minute," I said slowly.

"So, he and Zayn are ok?" Niall asked.

"I guess," I shrugged a little, my nerves still on edge. I walked over to Harry's box and pulled out a joint, then opened the balcony doors and lit it.

Niall made his way over, his arms crossed while he glanced up and down the busy streets.

"What's gonna happen, Louis?" He spoke up, his eyes on me when I looked back, "what's going to happen to Harry? This can't keep going on."

I looked back out at the cloudy skies, wondering how I even answered a question like that.

"I don't know, Horan," I managed to reply finally, my eyes staying off in the distance, "I really don't... I want to kill the fucker, though..."

Niall didn't say anything. I felt like his silence was confirmation that he felt the exact same. I was positive he did. Niall wasn't much of a fighter or anything; and he didn't show when things bothered him, as far as I knew.... except this. It bothered Niall to see Harry going through this.

What was happening to Harry wasn't only tearing Harry apart; it was tearing us all apart.

No wonder Harry had never opened up to anyone. No wonder he had chosen to push everyone away; for him it was simpler. He was the only one carrying the burden... and he hadn't wanted anyone else to carry it but him. He didn't want his best friends knowing the hell he was still going through, even if he was trying to cut ties with the bastard.

He didn't want us worried about him.

"He's a lot different, isn't he?" I spoke up, turning back to Niall. His eyes met mine, "Harry, I mean... once he's honest."

Niall nodded a little, "yeah, he is. I never knew a lot of this... I mean, some I knew because I saw it."

"Saw it?" I asked him curiously.

He sighed and pointed to the joint. I gladly offered it to him. He took a huge hit and breathed it out before continuing, "I've seen Darren with Harry... more than once, Louis. I just never said anything."

"Yeah, well, they didn't used to be discreet," I mumbled under my breath, shaking my head.

He nodded a little, taking another hit, "I remember one night though... Harry had left the pub saying he felt like shit.. Darren wasn't there with us. I came home early thinking, you know, I'd check on him..."

I lit a cigarette and watched him closely.

"Harry hadn't expected me to come home early," he spoke, glancing down at his feet, "and... well, it's not something I'll ever forget... Harry was telling the guy to leave and he wouldn't listen..."

I bit my lip and glanced back at the streets; I was filled with rage and heartbreak. No one deserved to go through what Harry had gone through.

"Harry thanked me, though," Niall turned back to me, "and he asked me not to say anything..."

"Thanked you?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, well," Niall started as he shifted uncomfortably, "I wasn't about to let the fucker do anything to him... Harry was high. Darren was doing his best to take advantage of him. So, I made a point to let them know I was home... and thankfully the bastard left..."

He stopped again and shook his head.

"You did the right thing, then," I whispered to him.

"Then, in Dublin, the way he was acting with Harry in public when we were drunk... it just really made me wonder what he was really like," Niall started again, clearing his throat after saying it.

"Was it bad?" I dared to ask him.

"No, but they clearly clashed a lot," Niall looked back at me. "Harry is still Harry when he's drunk... he's not violent, you know that... you've seen him. He dances and shit..."

"He's a teddy bear," I laughed a little, fixing my fringe, my cheeks on fire as I couldn't help but think of his smile when he was drunk; the way he wanted to cuddle into my neck,  just a giggly mess.

"Yeah, he's carefree," Niall laughed, before his smile left, "Darren isn't like that... in the slightest. I mean, he could be, but it was like he could be set off easily, if that makes sense. And it was like Harry seemed to purposely set him off... I didn't know why..."

I wasn't sure how to reply to him. I managed to mumble out an, "oh," while I kept my eyes off in the distance.

"They just never really seemed to have a good relationship," he went on, "maybe when he was younger... he wasn't around me much then. Just Zayn."

"Why did he take Darren to Dublin, though?" I asked confused.

"Well, it wasn't just him," Niall looked back, "it was their 2 friends and some of mine."

"Their 2 friends?" I asked, "Darren and Harry's? They had mutual friends?"

"Yeah, 2 girls that were always around," he nodded, "they knew Darren really well and, well, they got to know Harry because he was always around. The 4 of them were together a lot..."

"Wow, didn't know that," I said softly, "would explain the one photo I saw on his computer."

"Yeah, they loved Harry," he said back to me, "treated him like their little brother... although I think Lola always had a thing for him. She was a constant flirt with Harry..."

"Doesn't surprise me," I rolled my eyes but smiled. "How old is she?"

"Oh, she's 30 now," he laughed, "I don't think Harry ever did anything with her... Harry has never went after a girl since I've known him."

I laughed a little and shook my head. But he was right. That wasn't Harry at all. He really couldn't give a fuck about girls. It was absolutely amazing to me that he was that sure of himself... that he knew from the time he was young that he was different and he accepted it.

Niall's face turned serious again while he looked down, "I wanted to ask Harry why... why this guy was even in his life. I mean, I had no clue. And we all noticed it, but I guess we didn't realize just how deep Harry was into it... we really didn't think it was anything like what it was..."

"I can see why," I spoke, "he comes off as just your ordinary professor when you first meet him... at least until you put him in a room with Harry. Then, well, it's easy to see."

"Yeah...," Niall sighed, "I think it upset Zayn more than anyone; he knew what Harry was doing and he knew Harry didn't need to be doing it. He tried to talk to Harry several times... he wouldn't listen to him."

"Harry told me that," I whispered.

"Yeah, sad when you're picking someone else over someone you're supposed to know so well," Niall said sarcastically.

"Harry was young," I looked back at him, "and this guy was promising him the world.. Harry couldn't see what he was underneath yet. He really thought he cared about him, as crazy as that sounds."

"I believe it," Niall said, "cause Darren was all Harry cared about it for a while."

I stayed quiet, not knowing how to reply to that. Yeah, I knew that to be true, but it hurt either way. The fact that Harry ever cared about him hurt, because the bastard never cared for Harry. He only cared about showing Harry one side of him, until he made Harry feel comfortable enough with him; that wasn't uncommon with stalkers, or predators.

Then, once Harry was so far in, he showed him who he really was.

"Uh, Liam and Sophia said they'd be back tomorrow," Niall said, breaking my thoughts.

"Oh, that's good," I said quietly, my mind not focusing on anything but Harry right now. I wanted him back here with me already.

Niall and I were still standing on the balcony a few minutes later when Zayn's car was pulling in to park. My breath caught in my throat for a moment; I wasn't sure I was ready to see this.

Niall and I waited by the front door, Niall holding it open and glancing down the hall for them.

I stepped out and looked as well, seeing Zayn and Harry coming from the elevators. The closer Harry got to me, the more I was losing it; he didn't look fine at all.

Zayn glanced up at me first, before walking in the apartment with his bags. Then, Harry... he stopped beside me in the doorway and once again, his face was covered in blood, as was his shirt he had on.

He turned his eyes away and walked in and to the bedroom.

I closed the door as Zayn was standing there, his hands on his hips and his eyes on the floor; he was breathing heavily. He was pissed. I could tell... because I was feeling the exact same at the moment. I was trying to listen to the reasoning in my head that was telling me killing Darren wasn't the right thing to do... but it was right to me. And I knew Zayn felt that way, too.

"What happened to you?" I managed to ask Zayn as I looked his face over closely.

He glanced back, "some of Darren's guys, in Dublin..."

He stopped and leaned against the table, his eyes watching the bedroom door. He was worried about Harry, just like I was.

"You went back for him?" I asked him quietly.

He looked back, nodding a little, "I did, yeah."

Harry came out of the bedroom, going straight to the bathroom holding something in his hand.

"Harry," I started, but he just closed the door. I bit my lip and tried to hold myself together.

And Zayn looked to be doing the same. I had never seen him look this pissed before. He wanted to commit murder... it was obvious.

"What happened?" Niall whispered as he looked at Zayn.

Zayn didn't look back at him. He pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. "What always happens to Harry, Niall?"

"Should you smoke in Gemma's apartment?" Niall asked quietly.

"I don't give a fuck," Zayn snapped back at him, "alright?"

I stayed quiet... all 3 of us did. This wasn't easy at all. You could cut the tension and the overwhelming anger that was in the air with a fucking dagger.

I walked over to the bathroom door and knocked, "Harry, can I please come in?"

"Just give me a minute," he said back, sounding as if he was crying. My heart broke even more as I closed my eyes and leaned my shoulder against the door.

I'm sure he didn't want us to see him like this... and from looking at Zayn, I'd say I knew why; he knew Zayn wanted the bastard dead as much as I did.

"Please... let me in," I whispered, "I... just need to see you..."

A few seconds past and I heard Harry unlocking the door slowly. I opened it and stepped inside, Harry's face covered in water, the sink running. He was washing his face off slowly, his eyes staying on the mirror.

He looked absolutely terrible. He didn't even act like Harry at the present moment; it was killing me to watch him like this.

"Let me help you," I offered as I got a cloth for him.

He took it from me slowly, his eyes not meeting mine. "I think I'm gonna shower."

"Need me to get you anything?" I offered, not knowing what else to say.

He shook his head a little, starting the water. "Can you just give me a few minutes?"

He kept his back to me as he said it, and I reluctantly agreed, "sure, love."

I stepped out of the bathroom while Harry cracked the door, then undressed slowly. Zayn and Niall were on the balcony talking and Zayn looked anything but happy right now.

I stood against the bathroom door wondering how in the hell this would ever end.

Harry was in the shower now and I could see him through the shower curtain... and it was like a knife going through me when I looked at him; his head was under the water and his eyes closed... and every few seconds you could hear his sobs.

This broke me... out of everything I had watched this boy go through, this... this was the worst, in my mind. He was standing there, hurting and crying, to himself. And I wondered how often this had happened in the past.

What was I supposed to do? I didn't want to stand here and do nothing to help him... I couldn't. My heart and my mind was not letting me. My eyes were full as I finally blinked and let my tears fall down slowly. I stepped back into the bathroom quietly and closed the door.

Harry was still oblivious to my presence thankfully. I climbed in the shower behind him, fully clothed. I didn't care.

I placed my hand on his shoulder gently, and he flinched for a second, then looked back at me, his eyes red. He pushed his wet hair out of his face and sniffed.

I didn't know what to say to him and he obviously didn't know what to say to me... he just stood there staring at me, his tears rolling down his cheeks.

I pulled him into me, wrapping my arms around him tightly as he did the same. He nudged his face into my shoulder and stayed silent, except for the sobs escaping his throat.

My tears fell freely as I held him, knowing I could feel the pain he was feeling at this present moment. He was hurting so badly that he didn't know how to even deal with it; neither did I.

His body was shaking as he cried into my shoulder, and I completely lost it as well. This was killing him; it was killing me. And I couldn't bare to feel this pain... I couldn't bare to feel his pain... because I could. I could feel how much this was crushing him... how much it was breaking him.


	39. Chapter 39

Louis Tomlinson

 

 

I was putting on dry clothes in the bedroom, Harry sitting on the bed, his towel still wrapped around his waist. He hadn't said a word yet. Nothing. I stood in the shower with him for several minutes, and even waited in the bathroom for him to finish; yet, he hadn't uttered 2 words yet.

I slipped my shirt on and looked over at him, his eyes staring off. "Hey."

He glanced back, before his eyes fell again.

"Talk, Harry," I whispered to him.

"We just argued... I kinda said a lot of things to him... things he needed to hear," he mumbled out lowly.

He stopped and sat quiet again. He soon got up and grabbed his box, getting a joint from it, then opening the balcony door.

He went back to his bag and found some boxers, dropping his towel and putting them on. He leaned his head forward, fixing his curls, before throwing his head back again and fixing the front. He still wouldn't look at me and I didn't like this at all.

I watched him light the joint and sigh out a hit while he leaned back against the door, his swollen eyes staring off.

"Harry," I said again, "you've gotta talk to me. Why won't you?"

He bit his lip again, even though it was busted itself. I don't think pain was really bothering him at the moment. His pain mentally was a different story.

"I... I don't know what to say to you," he whispered to me, closing his eyes, "I should've left, Louis... I had the chance to leave, but I stayed and I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth... even though I knew how angry he'd get..."

"You're blaming yourself?" I asked him seriously, "really? That's all you're thinking about? How you could've prevented it if you hadn't of told the bastard the fucking truth that he needed to hear?"

Harry didn't look back at me while tears fell again. He wiped them away slowly and sighed.

"He's ruined you," I whispered to him, feeling nothing but an immense amount of pain for him, "he's completely ruined you."

Harry only let more tears fall as he shook his head.

"He's manipulated you so many times that you instantly feel guilty when something happens to you... and you blame yourself instead of who you should blame," I stated to him, my eyes stinging again, "he does control you."

"He doesn't," Harry said back almost immediately.

"Harry, you're so used to it... you're so used to thinking the way you think, for acting the way you act... this is why you lost who you really were. Darren influenced you..."

He didn't say anything... he just kept his eyes down, tears still streaming out.

How did one person become so broken? How was it even possible to be as broken as Harry was; he didn't even realize how broken he was... he didn't realize what this man had done to him since 16.

If Harry had never met Darren, I was 100% sure he would be a completely different person right now. There really was no doubt in my mind on that... Harry had become who he was because of Darren.

Whether Harry even realized that or not, I wasn't sure. But it was obvious now. Harry had chased after so many things... even people, in an attempt to feel; but he was left feeling used and empty every fucking time.

Those words hurt. Because, as I stared at him in front of me, I realized just how true they were.

I understood why he told me that 'guys like him' didn't have those experiences when I asked to make love to him. I understood why Harry sought Jeff as an escape; I understood why Harry even slept with so many other people. He was desperate. He was desperate for something... or maybe he was desperate for acceptance.

My eyes were becoming full again at the thought of him giving himself away to people because he needed to be accepted, even if it was for just mere moments. Harry craved it. He needed it. Suddenly, a lot of his fake facade he had built made sense... it all made sense.

And it was all because of Darren.

Harry put out the joint, rubbing his eyes softly. I really was at a loss for words now. Now that the reasoning behind Harry losing who he really was made sense, it only made this whole situation hurt worse.

And he had picked me... he had picked me to stand beside him through this, even though he felt like he didn't deserve me.

How did I make him see clearly that he deserved everything? He had come a good ways, it felt like. But now, it felt like he had just taken 3 steps back again.

He was always moving forward, then being pulled back into it. How did he or I break this circle, this never ending cycle?

I knew how. Zayn knew how. But Harry... Harry didn't want that. Harry didn't want me or his best friend doing something like that.

"Harry," I whispered to him, causing his eyes to finally meet mine. I couldn't take the silence any longer. "I love you. Alright? I love you. And I'm still here..."

He stared back at me, his face changing... he tried to nod a little as he wiped his eyes once more, "I love you, too."

I pulled him to me, holding him gently in my arms while his head lay against mine, his breath against my ear.

I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent of his damp curls. I'd never get used to holding this body against mine; and I never wanted to have to go without it.

As crazy as it sounded, everything that Harry was going through only made me want to fight for him more... because I had come to know who Harry Styles really was... and he was this beautiful, incredible, gentle soul in my arms. He wouldn't hurt anyone... he constantly was kind and he had a real heart of gold. He was so many brilliant things mixed into one... only when he was himself. And I saw that side... I saw it in Doncaster with my family. I saw it when he smiled at me that day we played football in my mum's backyard. I saw, then, what he was really like. I saw it in the way he held me, in the way he laughed at me... I saw it when he looked at me. I saw it when I made love to him the very first time.

I had watched him break so many times now and I had gotten to see the other real side of him... I described that side as the wound that refused to heal. That's basically what it was. It was a wound that would continuously bleed until he found a way to make it stop.

Harry let me go, his fingers on his eyes. His eyes closed again and he cried more. I watched him closely as he finally spoke again.

"Louis, I'm sorry," he started slowly, his voice cracking as he sniffed, "I... I saw him that night... the morning I was sick and you asked why... I met him the night before..."

I stood still watching him, not expecting to hear those words at all.

"You what?"

He pushed his hair back, "yeah... this is who you're giving your life to... someone who can't stop doing something he never should've started doing... don't you get it, yet?"

I stared at him, my mind lost between anger and overwhelming pain; I didn't know how to even respond to this. How could he?

"Why... why would you?" Was all that made it out of my mouth as I kept my eyes on him, "how... how could you fucking do that... how could you meet him after... after all of that?"

He didn't say anything... he lit the joint again, his tears still flowing.

My own were about to escape as I stared at this person... this person I was fighting so hard for; and he had just admitted that he willingly saw the bastard that had ruined him... how did he expect me to cope with that?

I finally turned my eyes away, picked up my sweatshirt and shoes. I put them on quickly, Harry's eyes only glancing at me.

I placed my hands in the pockets of the hoodie, my back to Harry... and I finally allowed the emotions I was fighting to take over. I just quickly wiped the tears away, grabbing my phone and wallet and walking out of the room. And Harry said nothing to stop me.

Then again, maybe that was his purpose in telling me. Maybe he wanted to push me away; maybe he wanted me to hate him, even.

Unfortunately for me, I'd never hate him. That wasn't even possible for me. He meant too much to me now. Though, this hurt. This hurt so fucking much. I couldn't even comprehend it...

"Where you going?" Niall asked me.

"I just... I need to take a walk," I told him as I searched my cigarette box for a joint.

"Everything alright?" Zayn asked me slowly.

I looked back at him, "you knew, didn't you?"

Zayn stared at me confused, "what?"

"You knew Harry met Darren the other night before we went to Ireland and you didn't say a fucking word," I said back my eyes staying on his.

"Louis...," he started with a sigh, "I... I didn't think it was my place..."

"Your place," I nodded a little, "right... glad I'm always left in the dark on everything."

I walked to the door and out into the hallway, heading nowhere in particular. But I had to get away from him... I didn't want to be angry; I didn't want to be upset with him for just being honest with me.

But I couldn't handle it... he kept going through hell... and even putting himself through it. Why did he?

I wasn't sure what I was feeling... I never expected it from him, I know. I didn't expect him to willingly go back to Darren again. Who would do that?

The only thought that kept coming into my head was that Harry felt like he was still tied to him somehow... that he felt like he was still a part of him; that hurt me more than anything.

I had heard of these stories where an abuser's victim would become just like Harry was now... manipulated into feeling guilty when they shouldn't, feeling forced into giving in to their abuser, and even not knowing how to let the person go that was holding them hostage against their will. That had become Harry.... and I knew just how hard it was going to be to change his mentality if he expected to ever have a future away from his captor.

I stopped at the elevator, my eyes staying down... my heart felt like it was shattering; I couldn't handle hearing those words from him after what he had just happened to him. That's the last thing I needed to hear.

I was becoming angrier by the minute, thinking of the shit Harry had done for this manipulative bastard.

I pulled out my phone, dialed Zayn's number... the elevator doors opened but I stepped away from them, fixing my fringe and trying to calm myself down.

"Yeah, man," he said when he picked up.

"Let's go," I spoke into the phone looking around the hallway, "let's fucking go. And let's fucking go now..."

"Yes, sir," was all Zayn said back to me before the call ended.

I stood and waited for him, knowing full well that we could kill the bastard if we went there... somehow, I didn't care anymore. I was too angry. Too fucking angry.

And I was sick of it happening to him... this wasn't going to happen again. I would make sure of it.

Zayn came strolling up the hallway, giving me a small smirk.

"Did Harry ask where I was...."

"No," he replied, "he... he hasn't come out of the room... Louis, you know he expects you to do this, right?"

Who? Harry or Darren?" I asked him quietly.

He smiled a little, "both."

I nodded, "well, if they both expect it, they're both fucking getting it."

I hit the elevator button again and Zayn just stood next to me smiling. He wanted to do this as bad as I did. I knew it.

"Why didn't Horan come?" I joked with Zayn on the ride down.

"He needs to stay with Harry," Zayn replied shortly. "Can't leave him alone."

I looked back at him, "why is that?"

"Harry doesn't need to be alone," he said softly, "he... he doesn't handle it well when he's like this..."

"I can sorta see why," I said, "if he's alone, he's forced to be with himself... and Harry hates himself."

Zayn glanced back at me, but my eyes just stayed ahead as we walked outside.

"What's the plan?" He asked me as we left in his car for Darren's place.

"Don't have one," I turned to him, "don't need one."

Zayn lit a cigarette and sat quiet for this ride... I honestly couldn't believe I was doing this.. actually I could. Because I should've already. I didn't care who Darren was, or if he had tons of people working for him... I cared who Harry was... and I would make the bastard suffer, like Harry had.

"Your phone going off yet?" Zayn asked calmly, his eyes staying on the road.

"No, why?"

"Figured Harry would call you soon," he shrugged a little, "I'm sure he knows where we're going..."

"You think so?" I asked him.

Zayn nodded a little, "he knew I wanted to fucking kill him."

"What happened?" I asked, knowing now was the best time to get the truth out of him on whether or not he had sold Harry out. "To you, I mean?"

Zayn's face changed and he sighed, "I told one of our old friends' where Harry was... I... I didn't know he was working for Darren... till a few guys showed up after I had talked to him."

"Seriously?" I asked staring at him, "someone you're friends with works for Darren?"

Zayn nodded a little, "yeah, well, he knew us both... Harry and me. We hung out a lot back then... I've talked to him for the past 2 years about Harry. I never thought it was a big deal that he wanted to know."

"So, he worked for Darren this entire time?" I asked, "really? How is that possible?"

Zayn shrugged a little, "no idea. But yeah, he does. And I fucking hate the bastard even more. Harry said he was ok... I didn't believe it..."

"It's always going to be 'he's ok' until one day he isn't," I sighed and glanced back out the window.

He shook his head a little and sat back in the seat, his eyes staying forward. "It's funny... when I became friends with Harry, I never pictured either of us standing where we are right now."

"What was it like growing up with Harry?" I decided to ask.

He looked like he was caught off guard by the change of subject, but he smiled a little, "uh, it was great. He was fun..."

"How'd you meet?" I asked curiously.

Zayn smiled more, "uh, I moved to Cheshire when I was 14... my mum had gotten a job there... had to start over basically. I transferred from the school in Bradford, and I met Harry my first day..."

"He seems to be great at meeting new students," I joked with him, causing Zayn to grin even more.

"Yeah, well, he's Harry... he's always been very accepting of everyone," he shrugged a little. "I remembered him showing me around for a week straight... we'd constantly find something to do in the afternoons after school."

I smiled a little as Zayn carried on.

"I stayed with him a lot in school... well, we took turns staying at each other's place," Zayn glanced at me, "we'd sit in my room and play video games... Harry was always better than me."

I laughed a little and Zayn just smiled as he kept driving. "I'd imagine you and Harry shared a lot of things over the years... I mean, you've known him longer than anyone..."

"Well, he didn't share everything with me," he mumbled back, "but you knew that... he didn't tell me when we were younger what happened... and I had never noticed... I mean, I recognized Darren at the university..."

I kept my eyes on him, watching him closely.

"I knew him from the school," Zayn said slowly, "but it never... never crossed my mind that this bastard had transferred, gotten a job at the uni, all because of Harry... I never would've guessed it. Because I never saw the two of them talking when Harry was younger..."

"You just thought he took an interest in Harry when he moved to London," I nodded a little, "that's what Harry said."

"Yeah," he whispered, "and I couldn't understand why he kept it from me..."

"I think you do understand that," I said back quietly, Zayn's eyes meeting mine, "I understand it... Harry didn't want anyone else burdened with it... he was ashamed of it... he still is."

Zayn tried to nod as he started talking again, "there were so many times that I asked him to be honest with me, Louis... he wouldn't. He'd constantly feed me some bull shit that he just needed time alone... or he was just dealing with stress... then, he suddenly got this car and this house... and I knew something was going on. My gut kept telling me something wasn't right..."

He sighed a little and sat back again, "but no matter how many times I watched Harry break down, he'd never tell me the complete truth. I sat with him a lot when he was like that... we'd end up watching really lame movies with the munchies in his room..."

I smiled a little and so did Zayn. "You were there for him, though, when no one else was. I know Harry loves you for that."

Zayn breathed out a heavy sigh and replied softly, "I know he does, too."

We soon pulled onto Darren's street, Harry's car sitting there. I watched Zayn turning the engine off and his eyes staying on Darren's flat.

"We're doing this," I spoke up.

He looked back at me, his eyes staying serious, "yeah, we're fucking doing this."


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets pretty deep as it is when we see the classic Stockholm syndrome symptoms from Harry; and Louis' realization that Harry is in fact, suffering from something.
> 
> This chapter is done quite different. I wanted to use both of their POVs for this chapter as it is important to picture what Harry is going through while Zayn and Louis are at Darren's place)
> 
>  
> 
> Recommended song: Requiem for a Tower

 

Harry Styles

 

  
I knew... I knew where they were. I knew what Louis had gone to do... and I didn't stop him. I didn't try to stop him. But I should've, I thought. He and Zayn were risking their lives for me while I was here... how could I let this happen?

My tears began to fall again and I was doing my best to stay in control of this situation; I didn't know how to. It was killing me because I couldn't do anything. I felt completely helpless; completely responsible.

I wiped my eyes, getting up quickly and searching through my box; I had to not feel... I had to numb myself, I kept thinking over and over. Because the pain I was feeling was going to kill me. I couldn't do this.

I shot the liquid into my vein, closing my eyes and trying to calm my mind a bit. I didn't know if this was going to help at all, or make it worse... but I had to do something.

My mind was racing with thoughts of Louis and Zayn both. They knew what they were standing up against and they had gone anyway. How had I allowed it to come to this? This wasn't their battle, it was mine. And what if the price I paid was death for one of them?  
___________________________________

_(Louis POV)_

_Zayn didn't even bother knocking on the door once we looked inside and saw no one but Darren. He busted the glass and turned the door knob, Darren's eyes looking up at us from where he stood._

_I was now face to face with Harry's demon... I was now looking at the one person who took everything from Harry; the one person responsible for destroying Harry, for abusing Harry, for completely changing who Harry was._

_His face was bloody, the blood could be seen on his shirt... it was Harry's blood... Harry's blood was all over him; all I could think of was Harry here just a short while ago having this bastard_ attack him again... all that flashed through my mind were images of Harry being forced into something he didn't want to do, yet again.

_I felt so much rage in me while I stood there staring at this person... this inhumane person. I could see it written all over him; everything Harry had told me about him I could see in his face: his attitude towards Harry, his constant ways of bringing Harry down, and his never ending battle to keep something that wasn't fucking his. I saw it all in that face of his. I saw Harry when I looked at him._

_His knuckles were completely covered in blood as was his hands, and the side of his neck had scratches so deep they were bleeding... I didn't want to imagine what he had put Harry through just a bit ago; I didn't want to imagine how many times he had hit Harry... or what happened once the hitting stopped. I wasn't an idiot. I knew this bastard used him every chance he got._

_As I stood here, I was facing it all; not just what he did to Harry today. I was standing here to face him for everything he had taken from Har_ ry, starting when he was 16.

_Zayn only smirked at me, "let me go first."_

_And I watched as he took a swing at Darren, Darren fighting back immediately. But he had both of us going at him... there was no way he'd ever walk away from us.  
_____________________________________

I stood up and walked to the balcony doorway, the clouds rolling in and drizzle falling light around me. My eyes shifted across the streets as my mind kept wondering what was going on in that flat.

I felt like I should've been asking Niall to take me there... but I wasn't. And I'm sure if I did, Louis would just tell me to leave. But what if they killed him?

I lit a cigarette, my hands shaking as I took a hit of it and blew it out.... no, the drugs hadn't helped to numb anything. I was only more comfortable. I could still feel... I felt a lot actually. I was afraid that Louis wasn't coming back... I was afraid that Zayn might not come back... and I was afraid they'd commit murder.

I already felt like that was their intention anyway. They didn't want to just hurt him... I knew better. I knew how much Zayn wanted him dead. I knew how much Louis wanted him dead. So, why didn't I feel the same?

The wind was blowing like crazy all of a sudden, and rain was beginning to come down on the balcony all around me. I hit my cigarette slowly, then reached my other hand out and put it into the coming rain, the rain drops splashing on my hand and arm. I watched it for several seconds, my eyes not being able to break away.

My mind went back to that night at the party, Louis telling me, "you should always be free then," when I stood there under the rain welcoming it onto me.

Tears fell out of my eyes as I kept one arm out into the rapid, falling drops and recalled those memories.

"Is that why you like the rain so much? Because you feel free?" I could hear Louis asking in my head, that accent and that voice haunting me as I stared at these rain drops falling on my hand and arm only.

Was I ever really free?

__________________________________

_Louis' POV_

_Zayn threw Darren into the wall and I didn't hesitate to start throwing my fists into him. And Zayn was showing no mercy whatsoever... I could see the rage on his face as he punched Darren over and over. I pushed Darren into the floor, before kicking him. He wasn't a match for both of us. And he fucking knew it now._

_"How does it feel to have a little bit of the hell you like to dish out, you fucking, pathetic piece of shit," I spit in his face._

_Zayn pulled him to his feet, Darren still trying to fight back some, but by now I wasn't sure he was even seeing straight anymore._

_I hadn't noticed... all I had noticed was a certain curly headed boy in my head who had been done this way... and had never deserved it. But this bastard, he deserved it and fucking more._

___________________________________

I put my cigarette out, my eyes still fixated on the rain falling. My tears were still streaming; they hadn't stopped since Louis had left.

I didn't want to lose him; I didn't want anything happening to him because of choices that I made, and choices I chose. I would never forgive myself if I lost him.

Louis was, simply put, the missing piece of me. He was the first person to make love to me, out of everyone I'd been with. He was the first person who ever truly loved me. But as I stood there, I wondered if he knew how much he really meant to me while he was at Darren's flat risking his life for me.

I wondered if I had told him how happy he made me... I never did tell him how I intentionally tried to keep him around the house when I first met him...  
He probably knew. He could read me well. I knew that the first day I had met him.

I stepped out into the pouring rain, closing my eyes while tears fell out; I was remembering the party, standing in the rain and asking Louis something...

"Where'd you come from? Are you some sorta guardian angel that was sent to me?"

"Uh, I don't know," Louis had replied smiling, "if you want me to be, then, yeah."

"I want you to be," I had said back to him.

I stood in the rain, my hands on the railing of the balcony as the rain and my tears mixed on my face. Louis was my guardian angel; I hoped he realized that by now.

The pain I was feeling was becoming more and more unbearable as I kept picturing Louis in my mind... his smile, his accent... the way he held me, the way he treated me.

I closed my eyes, and there was no holding back the sobs now as I stood there in the cold rain... I couldn't tell that it was cold. I couldn't even tell it was raining, to be honest. I felt completely numb to anything that wasn't going on in my head. The thoughts and the images I had in my head were all I could dwell on.

My life had come to this moment in time... and it felt like my future had come down to this moment as well.

Thoughts of Darren flashed through my head, knowing fully well that if Zayn and Louis pulled this off, he wouldn't be alive. I knew that. He would be dead.

I knew it, but I wasn't sure I would be able to accept it... I couldn't even bare the thought of admitting that actually. Of course I didn't think he deserved to live... but part of me didn't want him killed.

___________________________________

_Louis' POV_

_Darren's phone sounded from his table in the living area. I looked up at Zayn, then back at Darren in the floor._

_"Hey, it's Paul. We're on our way over to get that now... should be there in about 5 minutes," the voice on the answering machine said._

_"Shit," I said out loud, Zayn looking Darren over._

_"Tell me he's got a pulse," I said trying to steady my breathing, my clothes and face covered in blood._

_Zayn looked back at me, "he's conscious, Louis."_

_"Let's_ go," I told Zayn seriously, "if we don't, we're fucking dead."

_"I think we should kill him," Zayn said calmly._

_"Zayn," I started, "if he ends up dead, we end up dead..."_

_Zayn sighed and stood up, before looking down at Darren, "you come after his ass one more time, you're going to be six fucking feet in the fucking ground, bastard."_

_I glanced at Zayn before we hurried back out of the house, then up the street to where he had parked._

_Zayn was breathing quickly and heavily as we climbed in his car and headed away from this street as quickly as possible._

_Neither of us were saying anything... I think we both knew that we literally could've just dug our own graves for what we had done to that man..._

____________________________________

I sat up against the railing, my knees to my chest as I kept my head down, my hand holding my hair back as I cried harder than I ever had in my life. I kept seeing flashes of Darren going through my mind. I was certain he was dead. I didn't feel like Louis was going to lose this fight; my gut kept telling me Darren would lose.

I couldn't process anything... time ceased to exist. My thoughts were overtaken with memories... thousands of memories I had made with him over the years; why was I doing this? Why was I sitting here thinking about him? What was wrong with me?

I was broken; and I knew it now. There was a part of me that was holding onto him. Why? Why was I doing this? Had the years of abuse caused this? I didn't love him... I knew I didn't love him... so, why did I still feel attached to him?

I hated myself. I had never hated myself more in my life than I did in this precise moment in time. All of this could've been prevented... I could've said no. I could've done a lot of things differently.

I squeezed my eyes tighter, my breathing rapid from how hard I was crying into my knees, completely soaked in the rain... the one place I had felt freedom so many times before.

That wasn't the case at the moment; I felt far from free as I sat here wondering if they had in fact killed him. I didn't want to believe it... I couldn't believe that.

Louis was right, though, and I knew it; I acted the way I acted and I was the way I was because of Darren... and I couldn't figure out why I had never realized how much he had manipulated me. Even though I told Louis I knew what he had taken from me, did I really? Did I really see how much of myself was lost because of him?

I was sitting here wondering if he was dead... him of all people, the one person who had made my entire life hell from the time I was 16. I was ashamed of myself for even allowing myself to think of him in this moment.

The pain I was feeling just kept growing... I wanted to be dead; I had never felt this low in my life.... I had never questioned more if another reality would be better than this one...

I felt so much guilt; 2 people that I cared about and loved more than anything in this world were willing to risk their lives for me over someone I kept allowing to control me and my mind.

____________________________________

_(Louis' POV)_

_I lit a cigarette and rolled down Zayn's window, my hands covered in the bastard's blood. I'm sure my face, my hair was as well._

_Zayn looked about the same sitting next to me... we both were lost in our own thoughts, I knew. I wondered if he was thinking what I was: how long before he came and found us?_

_How long before he had people coming for us because of what we had just gotten away with?_

_He made it too easy... something wasn't right about it. If he had expected me to come, it seems we would've arrived to people waiting for us. That wasn't the case. It was almost as if he wanted us to catch him alone... why did I question that now? Did he plan it that way? Surely not, because he could've died... he must've known that._

_He had to have known how much I wanted him dead the second his cold eyes stared back into mine. He had to have seen it on my face. I knew he had; I knew when he first laid eyes on me upon our arrival that he knew... he knew I was going to get justice for Harry, at least a small bit of it._

_My thoughts kept drifting to Harry back at Gemma's... I knew that he knew where I was. I just knew that he did by now. And I wasn't too surprised that he hadn't come... though I had honestly expected him to._

_When I had heard of these stories in psychology one day about how some victims blame themselves for the abuser's actions, etc., I never thought I'd be living it. But I was. Harry was the victim. Harry had always been the victim... and he had blamed himself for everything that had happened to him... when in reality, none of it really was his fault... his mind was already damaged and destroyed by Darren ages ago._

_And the only thing that made sense in my head was that Harry had developed certain feelings towards Darren in an attempt to cope with the situations he was constantly put into by him... the life he had faked for so long was just more confirmation to me that Harry had no clue who he was apart from this person who was still holding him hostage._

_I sighed out my hit, staring out the window at the rain covered streets as I began to think just how much Harry's mind was affected by whatever this condition was... after all, he felt guilty for everything, he talked down about himself constantly... he blamed himself when things went wrong with Darren every fucking time... as if it was his own fault._

_None of this was his fault; the fault lay in Darren Johnson. He watched Harry's every move at 16, he made Harry comfortable with him, before he took the first important thing from Harry._

_Then, came uni at London university... he appeared here out of nowhere... doing the same exact thing to Harry again. And I'm sure he used his manipulative personality to win over Harry again in the beginning... I'm sure he had him fooled for a while. But when Harry made the choice to see him again, another important thing was taken from Harry: his family, and most of the time, his friends._

_Why hadn't I seen it before? Harry really wasn't the type of person to ever stop calling his family... that had been made clear because of how upset I witnessed him get when he saw his mum for the first time again. He said he felt guilty and didn't want them to know how he was living his life... he was already feeling guilty and blaming himself, even then, for what his life was like with Darren. All of the guilt that he constantly felt stemmed from Darren; he manipulated Harry that way... he wanted him to think he always was the one to blame, when he never was._

_But, as hard as it was to swallow over and over, this man had really taken everything from Harry, starting when he was 16. Harry was the victim of mental, physical, and sexual abuse for years... and it was those years of abuse that had made him this person who felt worthless, like they didn't deserve anything._

_I felt deep down that Harry probably blamed himself most for giving Darren the second chance, after he had already abused him once. I knew that was probably something that ate away at Harry now because that's basically the only time he's ever had a say and he felt like all of this could've been prevented._

_His mind had been so twisted by Darren that I wasn't exactly sure how he could ever possibly be "normal" again... but I knew I was going to help him find some sort of level of normalcy. Because whatever this condition was that he was suffering from, I knew that the real Harry Styles was there also. And he just needed to be released; Harry needed a reset button pressed in his mind that would take out all of the negative thoughts, all of the worthlessness that he felt... all of the thoughts that Darren had planted into his mind._

_I had to get him help; that's all there was to it. I knew now how desperately he needed it. He had to stop this... he had to regain power of his own mind. And after years with Darren and the shit he put him through, I knew that it wasn't going to be easy for Harry to get that control back; but I knew he was capable of it._

____________________________________

I lit a cigarette slowly and sighed out the hit, trying to steady my breathing before my body decided now was a great time to panic... I was already there, to be honest.

I leaned my head back against the railing, tears still slowly falling... I hadn't even realized that I was still crying; my mind felt like it was trying to shut out everything right now... I didn't know how to cope with this.

I had faced a lot of things over the years, but this... this was the worst; I had no clue if Louis was alright... I had no clue whether or not Darren was still alive.

I fiddled with the hole in the knee of my pants while I stared up at the cloudy skies, the rain falling gently onto my face. If only it really could wash me clean of everything I had ever experienced with Darren. I wished it could wash me clean of the thoughts of him that still haunted me; the thoughts that made me hate myself and who I had become because of him.

Louis was right.... Darren had ruined me.

Niall appeared in the doorway, his eyes staring at me in a way I had never seen before. I could tell how upset he was as he stood there studying me.

"They're going to be fine," he managed to say out loud.

I sniffed and tried to nod, keeping my eyes on my hands. My tears were still coming out as my stomach felt like it was tied in knots... like I could vomit at any given moment because of the uncertainty.

I got up again and went for my box, rummaging through it quickly, looking for anything else that could give me some sort of escape from this hell.

"Harry, stop," Niall started as he watched me.

I didn't listen, I just kept searching frantically. I finally got so frustrated that I had thrown it across the room in a matter of seconds, before closing my eyes and trying to control the feeling of panic and terror creeping over me.

"Take your meds," Niall suggested to me, "take them please..."

"What if they're dead, Niall?" I screamed at him out of nowhere, "what if one of them is dead and it's my fault?"

"Stop!" Niall shouted over me, "Harry, this is NOT your fault! It never has been!! Dammit, he has you so brainwashed... you are not the one who is at fault here, by any means."

"But they shouldn't be risking their lives for me," I almost screamed at him.

"They're risking their lives for you because they KNOW who you really are," Niall said back to me, staring in my eyes, "they know who you are, Harry... and they know that you have issues that you've got to sort out before you can fully be who you are, too. They know what that fucking bastard has done to you. We all do, but you..."

I looked back at him, "I do know, alright?"

"Do you?" He asked, "I'll bet money right now that you've sat here wondering about Darren, too... haven't you? Are you scared they've killed him?"

I turned my eyes away, wiping them slowly.

"Yeah," Niall mumbled lowly, "that's what I thought... Harry, you can't keep doing this... you've gotta let him go..."

I stared back at Niall, and his face was serious, yet gentle. I knew he was right. I knew I had to face up to this and realize that I had a problem... and I had to realize it wasn't a problem I had caused...

I wiped my eyes slowly, then wrapped my arms around Niall hugging him. He placed his arms around me as I sighed into his shoulder.

"Do you think they're ok?" I managed to ask him.

"I think they're fine," he whispered to me, "I have a lot of faith in them... they weren't exactly willing to back down..."

I let him go and pushed my hair back again, the hurt and the pain still refusing to go away. I walked back out onto the balcony to stand in the rain again, closing my eyes and just picturing Louis' face; his smile and his laugh. I just needed to hear that laugh and to see that smile again.

Niall walked out of the bedroom while I continued to stand in the pouring rain, my lungs catching breath every few seconds from how worked up I had gotten.

I needed Louis; I needed him more than I could ever admit out loud. I had only hoped he knew just how much I needed him. He walked into my life and everything changed; it hurt when I realized that my life was one big lie... that things had spun this far out of control.

But Louis showed up, that beautiful grin on his face as he talked to me that first day. I had never seen someone radiate happiness like he did.

I leaned back against the door, my eyes staying up on the skies while I kept telling myself Louis was fine; he and Zayn both were fine. Nothing had happened to them. But doubt would feel my mind again seconds later as I blew out a breath and contained myself.

I heard a knock on the door of Gemma's apartment and my eyes shot up immediately. I hurried to the bedroom doorway the moment Zayn and Louis stepped through Gemma's door.

I couldn't believe my eyes; they were covered in blood, both of them. Somehow, I felt like it didn't end well...

Louis' eyes met mine and he looked even more upset when he saw me. He walked over to me slowly, while my tears fell again as I stared at his face.

He hadn't escaped without being hit, that was obvious. But the blood that was on him was mostly not his own. It was Darren's.

I bit my lip, trying to control my breathing again as he stepped forward in front of me, his kind eyes staring back at me, "don't cry, love."

I pulled him into me, crushing our bodies together as I held onto him like my life depended on it. And I honestly believed it did now.

I did my best at trying to control my sobs, but I was failing miserably; not that I even cared right now... I didn't care if they all saw me like this. I cared about the person in my arms.

"Calm down," Louis whispered into my ear, his hand gently rubbing my back as if to soothe me.

"I love you," I managed to get out as I kept my face pressed into his neck, my arms still wrapped around him as tight as possible.

"I love you, too," he spoke quietly, "and I mean that... I'm not going anywhere."

"How... how," I tried to start talking, but words were failing me.

"What?" He asked quietly.

"After what I told you," I pulled away and stared at him, "how could you just leave here and..."

"Because I love you," he finished for me, his eyes staying on mine, "and sometimes people don't realize something is holding them back until it's too late for them... sometimes other people have to step in for that person because they can't see the damage that's being done to themselves."

I was speechless. I had never felt more pain in my life... those words cut deep into me as my eyes stayed on his, tears still falling.

"How am I worth it?" I asked him, "how? How the hell am I worth doing that for?"

"Stop," Louis almost shouted at me, causing me to close my mouth, "see what I mean?! That's exactly what I mean... the way you talk about yourself, Harry... don't you realize it by now? Don't you get that this isn't your fault?! That you didn't ask for this to happen to you..."

"I did ask for it. No one but me made the decision to take him back at 18," I almost shouted, "who can I blame for that, Louis? No one!"

"Fucking Stop!" Louis yelled over me, my eyes staying on his. He wasn't angry... he was hurt, and I could tell. "Just because you fell for his trap once, Harry, doesn't make every single trap he has set for you your fault!"

"But if I would've said no," I started but was cut off by Louis' arms pulling me into him, his head against mine.

"You've gotta stop," he said to me, his voice cracking. I was sure he was on the verge of breaking down. "You will kill yourself with this mentality, Harry."

I sighed into his shoulder, tears falling again as my hands held onto him.

"None of it is your fault, Harry," Zayn spoke up from beside me now, his hand on my shoulder as I kept my face buried into Louis' neck. His voice was gentle. "None of it. You are not to blame, babe. You're the victim. You need to understand that..."

"I need you to understand that," Louis whispered to me. I knew he was crying now as he held me close to him, "because I need you, Harry."


	41. Chapter 41

 Louis Tomlinson

 

 

Harry had a wet cloth that he was using to wipe my face gently as we stood in the bathroom. I had showered after Zayn, and Harry being Harry had to play nurse.

"I could do this myself, you know," I managed to smile at him, his eyes looking back and a small smile coming across his face. I needed that smile right now.

"I don't mind," he spoke softly, before he gently used a cotton ball full of alcohol above my nose. I flinched a little and he noticed, "sorry."

"It's fine, love," I reassured him as I kept watching him. His face still looked much worse than mine, that was for sure...

"Harry," I managed to get out as he sat the cotton balls on the sink and rinsed his hands, "can I... can I ask you something?"

He shut the water off and dried his hands, his eyes looking back, "I guess."

"Would you consider help?" I asked him in almost a whisper. Harry didn't look at me; he kept his arms crossed in front of him and his eyes focused down on the rings on his hand.

"I mean... I mean, like therapy," I spoke again, before I gently touched his arm. He looked back at me and I knew that was a huge step for him... I knew it was a step he never wanted to take. Now, I didn't see any other option. If he continued to live with the mentality he had, it would kill him. And I wouldn't lose him because of that bastard.

"How... how can I go to therapy?" His voice cracked and his eyes not meeting mine, "I... no, I don't want to sit and tell someone everything..."

"Harry," I interrupted him, "stop. Stop now."

He closed his mouth and leaned back against the wall as I stood in front of him.

"This isn't your fault," I started, though I was fighting the urge to shout it again... I knew I didn't need to yell. Yeah, he needed to believe it, but he didn't need someone else shouting at him. "None of this is your fault. You have got to realize that. You need someone who can help you... who can explain why you feel like you do."

"Is there an explanation for it?" He asked me, his face vulnerable again as he stared back at me.

I stood still, looking at that face and remembering the first time he had ever looked at me in that way... standing on the balcony of that house when he was confessing to me what his life had become.

If I had known then how deep he was, would I have ran the other way? I knew I wouldn't have honestly; there was nothing that I regretted about meeting him, about becoming a part of him. He was everything to me now.

"I think there is an explanation," I finally replied, trying to nod. Harry looked back at me, "and I think you should talk to someone... I think someone needs to help you."

"I... I don't know...," he sighed out, "what if... what if..."

"Stop with the 'what ifs'," I interjected immediately, "no more 'what ifs', Harry. You know deep down that you should get help... don't you?"

He ran his teeth over his bottom lip, his eyes staring down.

I reached over and gently put my hand on the side of his face, then used the other to pull him in closer to me, "Harry, you've fought this alone for too long. You know that. I know that you know you need help..."

His eyes stayed on me, "how do I explain... how can I openly discuss him..."

"By just saying it," I responded flatly, "something you need to learn how to do anyway. You're always trying to conceal how you really feel from everyone, even me sometimes, and that's not a good fucking thing to do, Harry. You know that..."

He took a deep breath as my fingers caressed his cheek, before pushing his curls back.

"I told you I'd look after you," I whispered to him. He glanced back at me, his eyes full again, "I meant it. I need you to trust me on this... you need to see someone. And I'm saying all of this to help you..."

"I know," he spoke up, "I know you are..."

His arms pulled me into him and we stood there wrapped in each other for several seconds, Niall and Zayn's voices carrying from the balcony. They were talking about Liam and Sophia arriving back in the morning, though I wasn't really listening to them. My mind was too occupied by this person in my arms... and wondering what his mind must've been battling.

"Tell me something," Harry said softly before he pulled away. A small smirk crossed his lips, "when do you get to be the problematic one? It's rather exhausting on this end..."

I snorted before I even meant to, Harry's smile only growing as he stared back at me. That smile meant everything to me right now; after everything that had happened, that dimpled smile is what I needed to see more than anything.

I kept my eyes on his as I put my hands on his waist, "Harry, you can do this... you know you can. You are capable of doing so much with your life, but you've gotta change your mentality before you can ever see that... you're too lost in feelings of guilt, when you shouldn't be."

"You're right," he admitted to me, his eyes speaking nothing but honesty. He did realize it; I knew he did.

"So, will you see someone?" I asked him quietly, "I mean, I'll look into all of them for you if you want..."

Harry chuckled a little, "I knew you were going to say that..."

I smiled a little, "you know me very well, then."

He nodded a little, "suppose I do."

"I'll let you pick out someone," I started again, "I mean, I'm not trying to like force this on you..."

"I know that," he reassured me.

"I just.. I wanted to be clear..."

"Lou," he said softly, "stop. I know you're not forcing me to do this."

"I know... I just," I sighed and tried to find the easiest way to say this to him. "I want the decision to be your own... because no one should tell you what to do."

"You love me," he said, a small smile on his face, "and I know you're saying all of this out of love... it's ok. Really."

I nodded a little, "I just think... you need to heal, Harry."

I regretted saying those words... I didn't want to bring up any of it, but there was no longer a way around it. I had realized it, Zayn had realized it, Niall had realized it; Harry himself did as well.

We all knew this problem was bigger than Harry now... that there was no way he would ever walk away from this the same if he didn't seek help.

A long, uncomfortable pause filled the bathroom and I had wished with everything in me that I didn't have to say it... that I didn't have to stand here and face Harry like this. But I loved him. I loved him too much to ever turn back now.

"I... I think it's a good idea," Harry finally broke the silence as he stared at me. "I have a lot of questions... that I'd like to get answers to."

I gave him a confused look, "what do you mean?"

"Just... just things I notice myself doing," he tried to get out, though it seemed rather hard for him to admit.

"Can I.. can I ask? For like an example?" I asked him seriously.

"Depends on if you'll think less of me for telling you," he responded quietly.

"Harry," I stepped closer to him, "I... I won't ever think less of you. And I want you to tell me things. I do. Even if the things you share with me hurt, I want to hear them... because you've gotta start talking about it. You pretended for so long that you just came to a point where those 'motions', as you called it, became second nature to you..."

I took a breath as Harry's head rested against the bathroom wall, his eyes staying on mine.

"And you said it yourself once before... you always went to him to get it over with. And that he was just easier if you answered his texts," I explained, "you said these things out loud to me and I honestly never saw it for what it was..."

Harry looked down again, "have I ever told you how much I love your brutal honesty, Lou?"

I smiled a little, "I.. I got carried away again."

Harry smirked at me and opened the bathroom door. I followed him into the guest room, watching him stripping off his shirt and trying to find another t-shirt.

I lit a cigarette on the balcony while Harry fixed his white t-shirt, then his curls a little. He looked rough, yeah, but he was still so beautiful. And it honestly hurt for me to see him like this... but I knew he felt the same about me as he wouldn't stop insisting on helping me in the bathroom.

He pushed his hair back as he stood beside me, leaning back on the door, the wind blowing his curls as he blinked slowly. Rain was falling still and it didn't seem to be letting up anytime soon.

I took a hit, keeping my eyes on Harry, then took his hand, his eyes meeting mine. I just smiled and pulled him out into the rain, and his face lit up as I did.

"Should we dance in the rain again, love?" I asked him, giving him a grin.

Harry smiled, his dimples showing, "I'm actually quite exhausted, so I'll take a rain check on the rain dance."

"Bloody hell," I chuckled, Harry snickering, "that was a terrible one, Haz."

"I thought it was pretty funny," he grinned and raised my hand up to kiss it before he smiled back at me. He really was one of a kind.

He picked up the cigarettes from inside and lit one before looking back around, "you know, when you were at Darren's, and I didn't know what was happening, I was thinking about what you said... about the rain making me feel as if I was free..."

I stayed quiet as I watched a small smile cross his face.

"It used to seem to make me feel that way," he went on, "but... I think it's because I often wished the rain could like fall on me and rinse me... I don't know if that even makes sense..."

"Makes loads of sense, love," I gave him a reassuring nod, "or perhaps the rain makes you feel clean."

He glanced back, "yeah, exactly."

He took another hit of the cigarette before looking back off, "it's kinda sad, isn't it? Me, being 20 and old enough to be on my own, with my own place, making my own choices, yet I still feel..."

He stopped and I knew he was struggling to get it out... I knew how hard it was for him to admit some things now.

"...Like you're not free at all?" I managed to say for him.

He pushed his hair back and sighed a little.

"Look, I know this shit is hard for you to discuss," I told him, placing my hand on his waist, "but, you've gotta learn how."

"You didn't kill him, did you?" He asked me out of nowhere. I stared at him while he held eye contact with me.

I bit my lip and fixed my now wet fringe, "I knew that was coming; no... no, we didn't kill him."

He nodded a little, looking as if he had already figured that out. He probably had somehow.

"What now?" He spoke softly.

"We don't worry about the bastard," I started, "block his number, for one. Let Zayn and I worry about his location and shit."

Harry glanced back at me, "what?"

"Nothing," I said, "I just meant... Zayn suggested we keep an eye out... just in case."

Harry managed to nod a little, but I could tell his mind was filling with worry again; of course I was wondering how it would play out now as well.

"I don't regret doing it, Harry," I told him, "and I mean that... even if I would've killed him..."

"I know you mean it," he mumbled back.

"Talk to me," I almost whispered as I stood against the railing in front of him, both of our shirts soaked now with the rain.

"I... I don't know what to say," he spoke, pushing his wet hair back.

"I'm sure you have some thoughts in there," I told him. He stared at me as if he was questioning whether or not he wanted to talk about it. "Don't... don't be scared to tell me whatever it is you need to get out."

He shook his head a little, closing his eyes, "I just..."

He breathed out a heavy breath, "I love you, Louis. And what you did for me..."

"Harry," I started, rubbing his waist gently, "don't..."

"I just wanna know why the thoughts won't go away," he admitted finally, keeping his eyes turned away, "I want them to."

"They will," I assured him, "look, we'll find the best therapist in London..."

"Do you really think a therapist can fix me?" He asked me, "really? Do you think me sitting down and explaining everything that has happened to me is going to make a difference?"

"I do," I replied confidently, "because I think you'll realize that you aren't the only person who's been where you're standing right now, Harry. You're not. You're not the first, and you won't be the last."

He nodded but looked so unsure.

"Hey, it's going to be alright, love," I stated as I put my arms around him, "I promise."

Harry's eyes met mine and he smiled finally, "I believe you."

He placed his hands on my shoulders, "I don't know if I've told you how much I'm glad you stayed... you could've bailed on me forever ago, before you found out anything... but you didn't. And... I'm thankful for that."

I grinned a little, "yeah, well, I've been sort of whooped for you from day one, you know."

Harry chuckled a little, taking his hand and running it down my cheek gently, "it's mutual, Lou."

I stood there studying his eyes, wishing with everything in me that I could somehow fix him... that I could take all of this away.

"Are you sick of looking for escapes yet, Harry?" I asked, my voice cracking as I stared at him. I knew he needed honesty, but some things were hard to get out. This was in particular because he had looked for escapes everywhere; I knew that he even knew this by now.

He bit his lip and stood next to me against the railing, "I... I think I am, yeah."

Zayn appeared in the balcony doorway, his eyes on Harry. "Hey, you ok?"

Harry glanced back at him, and he smiled a little, "I'm still here, so yeah... I'm ok."

Zayn smirked as he walked out to us, his eyes looking around the streets below.

"Worried, Malik?" I asked him.

He turned back to me, "no, I'm not worried. I'm just expecting hell to break loose soon."

Harry looked back down and I knew the subject was making him uncomfortable again. He didn't need to hear about Darren right now, or anything to do with him.

I slipped my hand around Harry's waist and pulled him closer to me, a small grin appearing on his face.

"Hey," I started, causing Harry to glance back at me, "the story ends well, love. It always will."

He grinned even more, "where did that phrase even come from?"

"I... I don't know," I shrugged and smirked, "it just hit me that day we were discussing me being Peter Pan... remember?"

Harry laughed a little and nodded, "I remember, yeah. How can I forget you telling me 'Peter fell for a girl'."

"Are you mocking me, curly?" I asked him jokingly.

"I'm not," he laughed and studied over my face with his eyes, "I'm just... thankful, I guess, that I turned out to be your Wendy."

"That was rather corny," I grinned and pulled him closer to me, Harry laughing a little as his arm went around my neck, his hand gently squeezing it.

"May have been corny, but it's the truth," he said back before his lips kissed my cheek gently. I couldn't help but smile when he did.

"You two are something," Zayn spoke up, causing me to turn back to him. I had almost forgotten he was standing here with us honestly.

"Do we make you want to vomit?" Harry asked Zayn with a smug grin on his face.

"No," Zayn laughed back, his eyes on Harry, "it actually makes me happy... to hear you two."

I glanced from Harry to Zayn, both of them just staring at each other for a long pause.

"Thanks," Harry managed to say to him, "thanks for doing what you did... you and Lou both didn't have to..."

"Harry," Zayn interrupted, "don't thank me. Don't thank Louis. We all know the bastard deserved what he got... even you know it, whether you want to believe it."

Harry's eyes fell again before Zayn stepped over, placing his hand on Harry's shoulder gently, "I know you're probably feeling guilty right now that we did this for you... but we chose to. Louis and I both chose to do it..."

"I know," Harry mumbled but didn't look back at him.

"But none of this is your fault," Zayn whispered to him, making Harry look at him, "and you know that. You've gotta know that, Harry. You've gotta start seeing this for what it is... it's mind manipulation.... it's mind control. It's something that he has done to you since you were 16."

Harry was becoming upset again, but I knew that Zayn was only speaking the truth; Harry really needed to hear this from someone other than just me.

I gently squeezed his waist while I watched him. He finally glanced back at Zayn, "I'm... I'm gonna see someone..."

"Therapy," I told Zayn as he looked at me, "he's gonna start seeing someone about this."

Zayn almost looked surprised but nodded, "I think... I think that's a good idea, Harry. I'm sure it's a step you never saw yourself taking..."

"It is, yeah," Harry nodded a little, and I could tell he was fighting his emotions once again, "but... I just... I want to be normal."

I felt the pain from those words shoot through me; I knew it had taken a lot for him to even say that.

"I mean, I don't know if normal is even a term that will ever apply to me again," Harry went on, keeping his eyes down.

"No one is really normal," I spoke up, causing Harry to glance back, "but no one should keep living with the mindset that you have; it'll destroy you. You know that."

Harry tried to nod, his eyes looking off again.

"Hey, I'm about to make a food run," Niall spoke up from the bedroom, "anything you lads want particularly?"

"Yeah, come to think of it, none of us have even eaten today," I smiled a little.

"I'll ride with you... give these two some time alone," Zayn offered and smiled at us.

"Zayn," Harry spoke up. Zayn turned around and looked back at him from the doorway, "thank you."

Zayn's face eased into a grin, "it was my pleasure, babe. Really."

He walked in and I couldn't help but snicker at his reply. Harry smiled as he stretched a little, then leaned over the railing, his eyes glancing down at the passing cars.

"Should we... should we start looking into someone?" He asked me slowly.

"Yeah, that would be nice," I nodded, his eyes meeting mine. "I love you, Harry. And I know the thought of telling someone scares you..."

"I'm not mentioning his name," he replied quietly.

"You don't have to," I assured him, "alright? But I do want you to tell them truth... about everything. You can do that without naming him..."

He nodded a little but seemed so unsure. And I could imagine that he was; hell, the last thing I would want to do would be to sit down with someone and tell them every detail of a relationship that never should've happened. Of course he was nervous and unsure.

But I knew he wasn't the only one who had been through this; people went through this every single day. Maybe their stories weren't as complex as Harry's, but it did happen. And it was time he realized that he wasn't the only one; it was time for him to see that.

That evening, I sat in bed for hours looking up different therapists with Harry asleep next to me. He had been sleeping for hours after finally taking something that would help him sleep. He really needed it.

He hardly ever slept; I don't know why that I hadn't questioned his sleeping habits before. He was constantly tired, yet he was constantly unable to sleep. Suddenly, every little detail that I hadn't seen before was staring me in the face.

He never slept, he constantly used drugs as his escape, and he kept so many things hidden inside. It felt like I was watching the victim in an abusive relationship; Harry had all the same signs.

I stumbled across one page that also listed these signs and symptoms. I sat up some, my eyes hurting from sitting in the dark this long with my laptop.

I read over the signs and symptoms and it all made sense: Stockholm Syndrome. I glanced back at Harry sleeping next to me, the only thought going through my mind being that he was going to overcome this. And that I was willing to do anything to help him.


	42. Chapter 42

Harry Styles

 

 

It had been exactly a week since the fight at Darren's place. It had been eerily quiet for me... I hadn't gotten texts. And nothing about it felt right to me. But I made a habit of stopping the thoughts once they started... I didn't dwell on it as much. I knew he wasn't gone... he was never gone.

I woke up that morning, the sun shining in the balcony doors. I rubbed my eyes and pushed my hair back before I noticed Louis' side empty... except there was a note there on his pillow, and a vase full of red roses sitting on the table next to the bed.

I sat up slowly, not being able to take my eyes away from these beautiful roses that he had apparently gotten me. I was blown away, honestly.

I slowly picked up the note to read it...

"This is day one of a new beginning. Let's make it count. Harold, up for it?

Hope you like the roses, love.  
Louis xx "

I was grinning from ear to ear reading those words. He was absolutely incredible. He constantly surprised me with just how caring he was. He was more amazing every day, it felt like.

I picked up the roses, looking them over, a smile creeping over my face as I thought of Louis picking them out for me... he probably even asked Zayn or Niall's opinion on what to get me. Wonder if he knew how partial to roses I actually was?

For a week straight, he had been nothing short of supportive. I had never met anyone like him. He constantly went out of his way for me.

He had told me in bed one night how he had a dream where he was standing in what he thought was some posh home that was used for wedding ceremonies, and he was marrying me. He was waiting to marry me in the dream. I still hadn't stopped smiling about his dream; I wanted it to be reality one day. That's all I wanted really. A family. With him.

Louis had come such a long way with me. I never would've guessed to begin with that he hadn't had relationships. He seemed comfortable enough in himself when I first met him.

Truth was, I had been his first in a lot of areas. And I guess in a way, I could say he was mine.

No one could've prepared me for that day when I saw him in class. Of course, I didn't really know what I felt for him then. I knew I liked him... I liked his spirit and his smile. I fell in love with that smile actually. After the first day, it was like that smile, the one that would run to his eyes, was engraved in my mind forever.

Maybe that's why I tried to push him away, too, that night after the pub, when I thought he had left. I knew what I felt for him... I knew it was actually real and I had no way of really dealing with those feelings.

And he could've really left then. If he would've left, I don't think my future would've been different though... because if he would've left, I would've went after him, even then. He already meant too much to me.

I heard Niall's laughter coming from the sofa a few moments later as I got up slowly.

The day before, I had met who would be my therapist. Louis had gone with me and waited until our session ended 4 hours later. I knew he didn't have to sit and wait, but I understood that he wanted to. And it had meant so much to me to have him there. He knew how much staying by my side meant to me.

I started throwing clothes on while I thought back to how the first session had gone. It was mainly just me explaining things... it wasn't something that I had been prepared for. Louis knew it and surprised me when he had actually remembered my meds for me so I wouldn't go into panic mode before I could even talk.

"Is he still asleep?" I heard Louis' accent coming from the balcony, "Jesus, it's like noon."

I shook my head smiling as I walked out of the room to the balcony, Louis' eyes meeting mine.

"You could've just woke me up," I told him smiling.

"Well, I didn't get back till a few moments ago," he shrugged, "had to do a little shopping with Malik."

Zayn smiled at me from beside Louis, exhaling his hit, "he asked me to take him."

"Why?" I gave them a curious look.

"It's a new day," Louis replied looking smug.

I grinned at him, knowing he was referring to the note he had left me. "The roses are beautiful, Louis. Thank you."

"Welcome, love," he gave me a nod and stepped over to kiss me gently before his eyes met mine again, "morning, by the way, beautiful."

I couldn't help but laugh, "morning."

"God, you two," Zayn rolled his eyes but smiled, "you get worse every day... damn. When we get all the shit in the flat, are you two going to stay locked in your room all the time to spare the rest of us?"

Louis smiled back at me and I shrugged, "sure, why not?"

Zayn only shook his head and walked back inside as I looked back at Louis, almost frowning, "why'd you go shopping without me?"

"Oh, God, don't give me the pouty face," he groaned at me.

I smiled a little, "well, you know I don't turn down shopping trips by now."

"Uh, well, just wanted to be done before you got up," he replied looking back, "I'd like to take you out today, if that's alright."

The smile grew on my face as he grinned back, "you want to take me out? Oh, like a date finally?"

Louis nodded, "yeah, a real date... I think it's sorta long overdue, given the circumstances."

I laughed a little as I stared at him, "do you think I'd ever turn you down?"

"No," he smirked at me, giving me a wink.

"So, where exactly?" I asked curiously, "or is this one of those surprises again?"

"No, I'll tell you," he replied grinning, "uh, I got really shitty seats to Coldplay and thought..."

"What?" I asked him almost shrieking. He snickered at my wide eyed grin, "you got what?"

"You're hysterical," he shook his head smiling, "yeah, I got tickets. I'm guessing you're ok with going, then?"

"Of course," I nodded excitedly, Louis only laughing more.

"You're like a little kid sometimes, I fucking swear," he smiled back at me, "doesn't seem to take much to please you. I mean, they're really shitty seats."

"I don't give a fuck where the seats are," I threw my hands up smiling at him, before taking his cigarette, "I just... wow... I haven't ever seen them. I've always wanted to. I just never went."

"So, you're ok with seats so far away from the stage that they look like tiny ants?" He smirked at me.

"Louis, it's about the music and the experience," I told him slowly, "it's more about the atmosphere and the lyrics and hundreds of people singing along to every line."

"Yeah, suppose when you put it that way," he nodded and shrugged a little, "quite passionate about music, aren't you?"

I smiled and nodded, "yeah, some music. Coldplay just happens to be one of those bands for me... go to bands."

"I kinda figured that from your reaction," he almost laughed, "are you a fan of the lead singer, too?"

I almost snorted as he just smiled at me.

"What? Just a question?"

"He's alright looking," I replied smiling, "he's an incredible singer. I love his voice."

"Oh, you're like a fan girl or something," Louis pointed at me and smirked.

"I'm not," I laughed, shaking my head, "I do think he's a beautiful guy. There you go."

Louis sighed still smiling, "he seems like your type, love."

"Why do you say that?" I giggled at him.

"I don't know," he shrugged and smiled.

"So, what time does it start?" I laughed out and shook my head at him.

"8:30," he replied and glanced back at me, "I do have one request for tonight... and, I mean, it's not like an order or anything... and I'm not trying to pressure you... I mean, it's your decision obviously..."

"What are you going on about?" I asked him crossing my arms and smiling.

"No drugs," he whispered, his eyes not leaving mine, "if you're alright with that... that's my request..."

I stayed still studying him, knowing how much he wanted that, how much it would mean to him. I could just tell.

"It's a deal," I agreed quietly, "not even Mary Jane."

"Well, we can negotiate that one later," he winked at me, nudging my arm.

"Wait... is alcohol off limits as well?" I asked as we walked back in.

"What? Are you fucking crazy?" Louis laughed as he sat down on the bed in our room, "no, we're having alcohol at the concert."

"Just making sure," I grinned at him, my phone sounding from the dresser.

Louis looked at me immediately. I stepped over and picked it up, my heart speeding up for a second. I hadn't heard from him in a week, though I knew it wouldn't continue to be like this. None of it felt right still. We all felt it.

I saw Gemma's name and the tension that was rising disappeared.

"Just Gemma," I told him softly.

"Didn't she say your mum wanted you to come see her?" Louis asked me as he walked back into the hallway, "I heard her say something about that after work the other day..."

I watched him picking up bags from different stores he had went to and I smiled at him as he turned around with them and noticed me.

"What?" He almost groaned, holding the bags down at his sides.

"You went shopping to all of those places without me," I almost laughed, "do you know how fucking rude you are for that?"

"Jesus, Haz," he rolled his eyes, smiling, as he threw the bags on the bed. He turned back to me, his hands on his hips, "I just needed a few new things, alright?"

My face lit up because I knew what he had done, "you mean, you bought an outfit for our date?"

Louis smiled sheepishly as I sat down on the bed, immediately pulling the clothes out.

"Haz," he laughed and watched me going through them, "I just got a few different choices..."

"Turtle necks, scarf," I said out loud as I tossed them across the bed and kept digging, "oh, this is a nice jumper. I bet it looks really amazing with your hair."

Louis grinned at me from where he stood.

I kept going through the bags, "yeah, this one will look amazing with your eyes."

"Alright, could you stop now?" He chuckled a little.

I propped my face with my elbow and looked up at him, "you know, you at least could've let me gone and, like, helped you pick out something."

"Oh, Jesus, you and your Saint Laurent shit? I'd be wearing something that looked like it fell off Mick Jagger in the 70s," he rolled his eyes and sighed.

"That's not true," I laughed as we sat there staring at each other. I moved the bags over and patted the bed beside me, "come here."

Louis smiled and lay down on the bed, stomach first, his eyes staying on mine.

I lay there on my side, my hand propping my head up and the other hand going to Louis' back. I took my fingers and gently traced down his spine, before going back up, keeping my eyes on his the entire time.

His arm was breaking out in goosebumps and I bit my lip and grinned at him. "Does it feel that amazing?"

"Is it not obvious?" He smirked, his eyes falling on my lips.

"Do you wanna kiss me?" I whispered to him, searching his eyes.

A small grin creeped out of the corner of his mouth, "when do I not want to kiss you, curly?"

I smiled a little, then placed my hand on the back of his head, pulling him into me. His lips crashed into mine while my fingers stayed on the back of his neck as our kiss deepened even more.

We stopped for a second and I took my fingers and gently ran over his back again, "can I give you a blow job?"

Louis snorted and laughed while I smiled back at him. "Wow."

"What?" I asked.

"I just love how blunt you are," he grinned back at me, "or, maybe, it's the fact that you can say anything and make it sound hot as fucking hell still."

I laughed a little, keeping my eyes on his. "No point in not just being straight up, right?"

He smiled even more, that beautiful smile that I was so used to now, "right."

"So," I said, looking back at him, "is that a yes?"

"Do you expect me to turn you down?" He asked me with a smug look.

I pushed him over on his back and straddled him, my lips inches from his as I stared in his eyes. He watched me closely before he leaned in and gently pressed his lips to mine.

My hands went through his hair as he threw his arms around me, our mouths lost in motion with one another's.

I bit his bottom lip gently before crashing my lips back into his, my hand wandering down into his Adidas sweats and grasping what was already hard.

My lips moved down his jaw line, then his neck before I glanced back up at him, his breathing speeding up while his eyes met mine.

We stayed that way for several seconds; just losing ourselves in each other's eyes, each other's presence. I had never felt something like this when I looked into someone's eyes... Louis had a way of seeing through every little detail of me. He had a way of staring into my soul, it felt like. He had a way of making it feel real, something I had always wanted to experience.

I started pulling his sweats down, Louis smirking at me, "the door is wide open, love."

I glanced back and noticed it, Louis snickering under me.

"Who cares if they see?" I smirked at him and climbed off of him before I stripped his pants down.

"Harry," he almost yelled, "close the fucking door, please."

I chuckled as I got up to close it, "calm down, tiny."

"You did not," he pointed as I stripped my shirt off slowly.

I just grinned at him before I climbed back on the bed, situating myself between his legs. My lips traced over his sides and down as my eyes stayed on his.

I gently placed my fingers into him, then took him down my throat as he moaned out a lot louder than he probably wanted.

He picked up a pillow and placed it over his face.

"That's not fair," I told him and took it away.

"Why not?" He laughed at me.

"Because I wanna see your face," I whispered to him, my lips only inches away from his.

I felt him flinch beneath my hand as I said that and I couldn't hold back the smirk that came over my lips.

"Wow," I managed to say to him, his eyes staying on me, "guess I've found another weakness for you, yeah?"

Louis' face was red but he smiled, "yeah, I suppose you have."

"So, you appreciate eye contact as much as me?" I whispered in his ear before my eyes met his again.

Louis was literally clay in my hands right now. I had a feeling I could make him come untouched easily.

I moved back down and swallowed him down, my fingers pulling his hips closer and my eyes piercing his, his hand pushing my hair back.

I pushed my fingers back into him, watching his face change as he leaned back moaning.

I ran my tongue up and down him before taking him back into my mouth, my fingers slowly moving in and out of him.

I kept my eyes fixated on his face, watching the quiet moans escaping his lips as he stared back at me; every single time I went down and came up on him, my eyes were staring into his.

Louis gently pushed my hair back again before grasping it a little as he watched me. I sped up the pace as I felt his body beginning to shake; his back arched and I watched his face closely for every second of his release.

I swallowed it down before wiping my lips slowly, Louis breathing heavily.

I sat back down beside him as he sighed out and stared at the ceiling.

"You alright?" I asked him smirking.

"I'm... incredible," he responded slowly as he sat up.

"You seem to make that way too easy," I joked with him, nudging his arm.

"I can't help it," he stated, "you make it way too easy, let's say that."

"Can I ask you something?" I whispered.

Louis glanced back at me, "sure, love."

"When... when I gave you a blow job at the house, the second day I had known you," I started, Louis smiling again at my bluntness, "and you tried not to act like it was a big deal afterwards... you told me it was nothing, what was it, really? I've wondered that every day..."

"Have you?" Louis almost burst out in laughter, "you could've asked me by now, Haz."

"I know," I nodded, "I just... never did. Was it because I was your first, or like, something else?"

"You weren't my first," he grinned, "at least, not in that department."

I smiled a little as he climbed up to sit next to me, "so, what, then?"

"Uh," Louis started, pursing his lips but smiling, "it was more... more because even at that time, I felt like you were really special."

I smiled a little, "did you?"

"Yeah, well, I remember thinking I had never felt that way before during one," he stuttered out, "and when I looked in your eyes while you did it, I felt like I was seeing someone who I had known all along..."

I stared back at him, words failing to come to mind. He never failed to amaze me with his words.

"Yeah, so, there you go," he said smiling a little. "Plus, it was hot that you held eye contact... is that a better answer?"

"Basically, you're turned on by looking in my eyes," I said shortly.

Louis nodded a little and smiled, "yeah, there's a better way of saying it. Thank you."

I laughed a little as I watched his eyes staring down at the covers, a grin still across his face. "You're perfect. Have I told you that recently?"

Louis glanced back, "not today. I'm sure you have in the past week."

"What do you see," I started, slowly, "when you look in my eyes?"

Louis sat back, his eyes watching mine, "I see what you see."

"How do you know what I see?" I managed to ask quietly.

He smiled at me, his eyes glancing from my lips to my eyes, "because I can read you... I can... I can see what you need when you look at me."

I bit my lip, refusing to look away from him, even if it was almost too much to bare in this moment.

"What do I need?" I asked in almost a whisper.

His eyes stayed on mine, "you need to feel loved. You need someone to look at you with love in their eyes as well... you need to 'see' the love that person feels for you during those intimate moments... because you've never seen love in someone else's eyes..."

I glanced back at my hands, trying to fight back emotions again.

He smiled a little when he noticed my expression, "am I close at all here?"

"Yeah... yeah, I'd say you got it spot on," I answered in a low voice.

"Hey," he started, his hand running down my cheek, "don't get upset..."

"I'm not," I mumbled, "that was just... wow. Maybe you should be a psychologist."

Louis grinned a little, "actually, it just comes easy with you. I fucking suck at any other psychological situation."

I smiled back at him, using my fingers to fix his fringe over his eyes, "you're too good to me, you know."

"Don't start," he pointed.

"I'm not," I laughed a little, "I meant that. I'm not going to go into how I don't deserve you and all of that... don't worry."

"Good," he nodded a little, "because you've gotta stop that shit."

"I know," I agreed, "I'm just... thankful for you, I guess. Never realized how beautiful simple things could be, you know? Something as simple as a kiss, or even a touch... I never realized how much you could feel behind those things, because I never experienced that until you."

He looked back at me and smiled, "it's mutual, love. I promise."

I leaned over and kissed him gently, before my eyes met his again... I could get lost in his eyes and never even worry about being found; I trusted him with my life now.

"Oh, do you have plans for before the concert?" I asked him, my fingers gliding down his bare chest.

"Uh," he started, "not really. Maybe dinner?"

"Sounds lovely," I nodded a little, "but I have one other place I wanna take you, if that's alright."


	43. Chapter 43

Harry Styles

 

 

"Ready, love?" I heard Louis calling from the hallway.

My fingers went through my almost dry curls as I looked them over in the mirror.

"Harold, you've been getting ready for forever," Louis groaned from the doorway.

I turned to look at him, his eyes on me, looking me up and down.

I walked over to him, a smirk on my lips as I looked him over, fumbling with his scarf. "You look amazing in that scarf, you know. Goes great with your eyes."

"Thanks," he got out, glancing down at my sheer shirt, "are you... are you wearing that?"

I looked down at myself, smiling a little, "what? Don't like what you see?"

"No, I like it very much,"  he quickly replied, his fingers gently running over the bottom of my shirt across my stomach, "you look... amazing in it. I mean, as long as you don't mind people staring at you..."

"I'm used to it," I shrugged a little and tried to fix my curls.

"You're used to showing your nips?" Louis joked as he pinched my nipple gently through the see through shirt.

"Hey," I knocked his hand away gaining a laugh from him.

"What? Do you have sensitive nips?" Louis gave me a sly look, his fingers running across my nipple so light and soft.

"They are a bit," I managed to say to him, my eyes staying on his. "You trying to get me in the sack already? We haven't even had dinner yet."

Louis laughed, "no, I'll be a good boy and wait till we get back."

I smiled and picked up my coat before fixing my hair again.

"Did you... did you paint your nails again?" Louis asked, grabbing my hand from my hair.

"I did," I nodded a little, "does that bother you?"

"No," he told me, "not at all, love. Really. You know that by now."

I smiled as he kept my hand in his looking over the deep red polish on my nails. "You really like it, don't you?"

Louis' eyes met mine again and he was completely serious, "only on you. It suits you."

"Thank you," I whispered, my fingers interlocking with his own, "I'm... I'm glad you're not weirded out by me."

"Harry," he sighed, "don't..."

"I'm not," I said back quickly, "I just... I mean that."

"Cab's here!" Niall called from the balcony.

I slipped my coat on and followed Louis out of the bedroom.

"You're wearing that on your date?" Niall nearly snorted at me.

"Hey, shut it, Horan," Louis replied looking at me standing behind him, "Harry looks amazing and can wear whatever the fuck he wants."

"I didn't mean anything by it," Niall threw his hands up in defense as he laughed a little.

I had my hands on Louis' shoulders massaging them gently, not even realizing I had done it... but then again, by now, touching him was second nature to me.

I remembered telling myself that I wasn't sure that I wanted to do all of these things with him... I remembered being scared that if I did touch him, kiss him, and love him like I wanted to that he would eventually run away as well. It was a fear that had finally been drowned out, though, because I had seen now what Louis was willing to do for me. There was no he'd ever run the other way now. He really did love me.

And maybe he even loved me too much. But I had guessed that if love was real, then that person would be willing to do anything for you. He had proven that now. He had shown me what real life looked like. He had gone and beaten a person who had destroyed my life.

As my mind drifted through the thoughts of Louis going to Darren's place on our cab ride to the restaurant... knowing Louis was standing face to face with the person who had done all of these things to me, I couldn't help but feel the emotions of that day overtake me again.

I tried to keep it concealed from Louis next to me... I just couldn't get over the fact that he had done that for me, that he had gone and attacked the person who I so willingly gave into... even after meeting Louis.

How could he have been willing to do that for me? How much of me consumed him now? How much pain did he really feel when he had to stand face to face with Darren knowing I had given myself to him freely so many times?

How had he ever been brave enough to help me like he had?

He was going on about his sisters next to me, laughing and telling me how much Lottie couldn't wait to see me again, and I couldn't hold back the smile that was growing on my face.

How had I ever gone without this person next to me? He intentionally said things just to hear my laugh, he made sure to tell me constantly how incredible I was... and how much he respected me.

I don't think he even knew how much I respected him for everything he was; he was a beautiful soul, with a smart ass tongue, who would be brutally honest with me... who would risk their life for me. Because that's how much I meant to him. That's how much he loved me.. He had risked his life for me... and he knew he was risking it when he left to do it.

I loved him. I realized it now more than ever. After everything that had happened, I finally realized what I felt for him... what I had been feeling for him.

But those feeling of him were constantly shoved under the feelings I had on the surface for someone else... feelings I never wanted to have.

It felt like I constantly tried to shove the feelings I was feeling for Darren out of the way, just for them to return out of nowhere and make me feel even more guilty for ever allowing him to take over my life.

How did I ever allow him back into my life 18? I knew what he consisted of then. I knew who he was... so how had he sold me on the fact that he had changed? Even though my gut told me he hadn't changed at all. It told me to run the other way. I didn't listen. I never listened to myself... because at 16 he had made sure to put his memory into my head.

I stared down at my fingers, playing with my rings as I bit my lip and tried to hold back feelings I shouldn't still be struggling to defeat.

Louis noticed my change in behavior and I think he just instantly knew... of course he did. He heard my thoughts... he saw the side of me no one else did.

"You alright, love?" He placed his arm around me, the other lying on my stomach, his face inches from mine.

I managed to look him in the eye, even though I felt like breaking when I did. Those eyes were just... they were everything to me. I needed him more than I had ever imagined me needing him.

"I'm fine," I replied, turning back to my hands, my eyes already full. God, I was such a baby sometimes.

"What is it, love?" He whispered, his finger gently caressing my cheek.

I turned back to him, my nose almost bumping his, "I just... I love you. Like, I really, really love you."

"Harry," he chuckled softly, his fingers feeling of my cheeks, "I really, really love you, too. But that's no reason to be getting so fucking emotional, babe."

"You don't get it," I whispered to him, "you don't understand how long I have wanted this with someone... l have waited a really long time..."

Louis' face turned serious as he watched me, that gentle look he had when he was listening to me pour out my heart.

"I know... it sounds silly coming from a 20 year old guy," I went on, my voice cracking, "but, I'm not... I'm not scared to tell you things. Not anymore. And I really mean that... I love you."

Louis managed to smile a little, "I love you, too. I really do. You know that by now."

"I do," I nodded slowly, before glancing back at my hands, "what... what were you thinking when you were face to face with him, Lou?"

Louis sat back a little, pursing his lips a little. I knew he hadn't expected me to be that open with him, but I needed to know.

"Uh," Louis sighed finally, his eyes watching the passing buildings, "all I was thinking was... how he had destroyed you... that's... that's about it."

"Even after what I told you?" I asked quietly.

He looked back at me, "Harry, it hurt, I won't lie..."

I bit my lip and sat quiet.

"But... I think I just realized that this was a problem bigger than you," he went on, his face staying serious, "that this was something that you almost couldn't control anymore... it had gotten beyond your own control of even yourself."

"Wow," I managed to respond, looking back at him, "you never cease to amaze me, you know."

Louis smiled a little, "yeah, well, I just know you... and I can read you."

"That's rather scary, isn't it?" I laughed, "that we can just read each other so well?"

"It's fucking scary, yeah," Louis smirked a little, "but I suppose some people just have that capability... if they're really meant to be, I guess?"

I grinned and looked out at the stars above London. "Maybe it was written in the stars forever ago."

Louis smiled a little, "I thought you weren't going to get high."

"I'm not high," I laughed looking at him, "I'm just... me. That's me."

Louis took my hand in his, his fingers intwining with mine as he stared down at my rings, "I can't wait until Christmas."

"Why?" I asked laughing as we slowed down in front of the restaurant.

"I just... can't wait," he winked at me and paid the driver, thanking him before stepping out of the cab.

I followed and closed the door, looking around at this restaurant, "Jesus... you went out of your way, Lou."

"Hey," he put a hand on my waist, smiling, "let's just enjoy it, alright?"

"Glad I wore this," I smirked as we walked inside.

We sat at a table a few minutes later, splitting a whole bottle of wine over dinner and Louis was in such an amazing mood. I loved seeing him this way.

"This is nice," I told him as he looked back at me, "thank you for doing this."

"Hey, I don't mind, love," he smiled back, "you and I both deserve it."

I took a drink of the wine, glancing around the restaurant. Louis noticed my eyes.

"What is it?" He asked me softly.

"Nothing," I mumbled.

Louis wasn't buying it. "What is it, Haz? Tell me the truth. Remember what the therapist told you: learn how to let it out. Don't hold it in."

I smirked a little, "are you going to do that every day? 'Remember what he told you today...'"

"Most likely," Louis nodded, "because you've gotta break that habit of keeping things to yourself."

"I... I was just thinking of the other times I've come here," I managed to get out, my fingers gliding over the wine glass slowly.

Louis sat back a little, "oh... I hadn't... I mean, I didn't know you had already been here."

"It's fine, really," I smiled at him, "I've been here several times, actually... but yeah, this is different..."

I stopped and stared at him, reaching across the table and placing my hand softly on his, "this time it matters."

Louis grinned, taking my hand, "you're incredible."

"And so are you, Lou," I smiled back at him before I returned to my wine, gulping down the 4th glass.

"Can I ask you something?" Louis started, his voice lower.

"Sure, I guess," I replied, "should I be worried?"

He smiled, "no, of course not."

I smirked and waited for him to start. "Uh, I'm just curious if... if Darren was the reason why you started... you know... going out..."

"What? Sleeping with people for money?" I asked him.

"Yeah," he nodded, "like... since he gave you the world, did you just realize how easy it was to make money with people just by giving yourself to them?"

I ran my teeth over my bottom lip before pouring wine, Louis' eyes not leaving mine.

"I guess that's too forward for me to ask," he whispered, "I'm sorry."

"It's not," I mumbled back, my eyes meeting his, "you have every right to ask questions, you know that."

"Well, I just wonder if that's what you thought... because Darren was willing to give the world to you just for giving yourself to him... he was paying you all of this just for your ass."

"I don't think I've ever thought of it that deeply," I managed to smile at him. "Uh, I guess... I guess you could say that I did have that moment where I did realize what I could get for it... by the time I started doing it, I honestly had stopped caring about anything."

"Really?" Louis asked softly.

I nodded a little, looking around the crowded restaurant. "Can we, uh, go? I'd rather talk about this somewhere else."

"Yeah, of course," Louis replied immediately, calling over our waiter.

We managed to pay quickly and we left up the street to my surprise place for him.

"It's quite chilly," I sighed, pulling my coat tighter.

Louis snickered from beside me. "You chose the see through shirt, love... which by the way, looks amazing on you."

"Thank you," I turned to him, "sorta like the nails?"

"Yeah," Louis smiled, "what made you ever want to start that? And lipstick?"

"Uh," I took his hand in mine as we walked, "I don't know. I used to steal Gemma's when I was younger. And when I sorta grew into this look now... I just started thinking how great it'd look with the outfits... it's just who I am."

"You're amazing," Louis shook his head smiling, "I mean, you literally don't label yourself... you don't label how you act, dress, carry yourself. It's amazing, really. You don't fit any stereotype and it's fucking incredible, Harry. You really have no idea how rare people like you are. We need more."

"You don't label yourself either," I said slowly, "I mean, you chose me, after all."

Louis smirked a little, "yeah, I chose the very, very gay boy? I chose you because of how incredible you are... and because I always dreamed of finding someone who acted just like you; who didn't care what the fuck people said about them."

I grinned even more, squeezing his hand a little, "you're incredible yourself, Lou. You have no idea how incredible."

Louis leaned over, standing on his tippy toes a little and kissing me gently. I couldn't help but smile at how adorable he was when he did that.

Few moments later, we were at the London Eye, Louis' face glowing beside me.

"Just in time for the sunset," I told Louis a few moments later as we entered. I walked over to the window as we waited for it to start.

"You... you did this for me," Louis managed to get out as he stood beside me.

I glanced around outside, "yeah, I did. I wanted you to experience it at sundown... it's breathtaking."

"Thank you," Louis whispered to me, his hand running over my back gently, "you didn't have to do this for me."

"I wanted to," I said back. "I love you."

"I love you, too," he said quietly before leaning up and kissing me again.

Few moments later, we were in motion, near the very top and Louis was loving every second. The sun had set, the city lights were on and it was truly amazing. Louis would point here and there as his face just stayed so happy.

I had made him this happy. It really felt wonderful knowing that I could bring him the happiness he brought me every single day now.

"So?" I spoke up, pointing outside, "what do you think?"

"It's fucking amazing," he smiled beautifully at me, "it's as incredible as you said."

"Yeah, figured you'd say that," I smirked at him, taking his hand again, "thank you... for making me this happy."

"Thank you for being you," he whispered back, his lips meeting mine seconds later.

We spent another 25 minutes on there, Louis just in awe the entire time as he held onto me tightly while he looked out at the view.

Then, we were at the concert, jamming out to Coldplay just a bit later. Louis was having an amazing time beside me singing loudly and really getting into it. I couldn't help but sing along and dance, trying not to spill my beer at the same time.

Louis would smile at me every few minutes, he would hang on to me during the slower songs, like Sky Full of Stars, a song he said reminded him of me... standing there listening to it and having him hold me close was all that mattered now.

But how long would it be before the reality sat in again and we were faced with Darren again? I didn't expect it to stay this way; there was no way he'd ever let them, or me, get away with what they did to him.

I pushed those thoughts out of my mind while I continued singing along, Louis did the same next to me. His voice was truly unique and amazing. I wondered if he knew how great he actually sounded. I could listen to his voice all day.

We had drank several beers a piece by the end of the show, and we were both completely wasted now. Louis wanted to stop a pub for a few minutes and I agreed because I was too busy being a giggly mess next to him.

We ordered even more beers, then went out on the dance floor, Louis holding me to him and dancing with me.

I closed my eyes and just lost myself in him behind me, holding me so gently. He was so incredibly gentle; he was exactly what I had wanted.

He kissed my neck softly, wrapping his arms tighter and I couldn't help but smile a little.

I glanced up, across the dance floor and caught a familiar face. Darren's eyes were on me.

I had to act natural; I had to pretend like nothing was wrong. Louis didn't need to know he was standing right there.

"Can we... can we go back to Gemma's?" I managed to get out, looking at Louis.

He looked at me confused, "what? Why?"

"I... I just want to go home and, you know," I smiled a little.

Louis smirked, "alright, yeah, sure, let's go."

I took his hand and headed off the dance floor and straight for the exit, my eyes looking back in his direction. He wasn't standing there now. I glanced back and forth wondering if he had known I was leaving. I feared he was waiting outside.

I managed to call a cab quickly and we left, Louis looking at me funny. I knew I was acting strange.

I pulled my pills out of my coat and took one quickly, trying to keep my mind at ease.

I didn't want to tell Louis, but my body was already in panic mode since I had gone hours now without taking anything at all... it's not something I wanted to admit to him. I didn't want him knowing that my body wasn't ready to stop drugs completely.

"What's going on?" He asked, "are you alright?"

I managed to nod a little, "I think... I just had an attack, I'm sorry... I felt like... I wasn't safe there."

He looked confused again, "why, Harry?"

"I just... I do it sometimes," I shrugged.

"Tell me the truth," he whispered.

I glanced back at him, "I saw him, alright?"

Louis' face changed again; I couldn't tell if he was angry or not.

"You saw him?" He nodded a little, "and you didn't say anything to me, why?"

"Because I didn't want you starting shit in a night club," I replied seriously. "Tell me you wouldn't have done something to him."

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me when you saw him?" He asked getting more upset.

"It doesn't matter, alright," I mumbled back, "don't... Don't let this ruin tonight."

Louis sat back and looked out the window, "it's not ruining it."

I looked back at him, "I'm sorry... I just didn't want this to be ruined. At all. It's been amazing. And I didn't want it to end in another fight... probably with more than Darren."

Louis nodded a little, but stayed quiet.

And nothing was said for the rest of the ride back. And I was allowing the guilt to overtake me again, even though I kept fighting those thoughts. I was told to start doing that; why couldn't I right now?


	44. Chapter 44

Harry Styles

 

 

Louis walked back into the apartment, not saying a word to me. His mood had changed completely and I knew he was pissed at me.

"Why are the lights out?" I asked quietly, looking around the apartment.

"The guys went out so that we could be alone," Louis replied flatly as he opened our bedroom door.

He had candles out everywhere waiting to be lit. I glanced back at him, his face looking down.

"You did this for me?" I asked him.

"I did," he nodded a little, "I thought it would be a perfect thing to do for a new beginning."

"I'm... I'm sorry," I whispered to him, "I... I don't know why I didn't just tell you..."

"I do," he looked back at me, "you're still trying to protect him."

I stared back at him in disbelief. "How could you say that?"

"Because... that's basically what just happened tonight," Louis replied seriously.

"How could... how could you think that?" I asked slowly, "I'm doing everything I can to get over this and you think I want to protect him still? Are you out of your mind?"

Louis stayed quiet, switching the lamp on by the bed before pulling his scarf off slowly.

"I can't... I can't believe," I mumbled, "Louis, you've done nothing but be supportive and push me to do this... and you think this now?"

He looked back at me, "Harry, I know he goes through your mind more than you want to admit.. I know that's one reason why you need therapy..."

I crossed my arms, keeping my eyes on his. "You think I have feelings for him... like real feelings."

"No, I don't think it," he sighed out, breaking eye contact, "I know it. They're real feelings, alright, because they're feelings you developed over time because of the amount of stress he kept you under."

I bit my lip and looked away, wishing he didn't know me so god damn well.

"You have feelings for him," he nodded, "and they're feelings you know yourself you shouldn't have."

I picked my coat back up and headed out of the bedroom.

"Where are you going?" Louis asked me quickly.

"Just need a walk," I told him.

He stopped me at the front door, "don't. Stop. Don't leave. Please."

I turned to face him, "I don't know what to say, Lou... do you want me to apologize for being fucked up? Because I will. I'll apologize for not saying a word to you a few minutes ago. I'll apologize for 'protecting him' if that's what you need to hear."

"Stop," Louis almost shouted, "you've gotta stop. I don't want an apology... I'm not upset, alright?"

"Yeah, don't lie," I mumbled to him and opened the door. Louis' hand caught my arm and I looked back at him.

"Don't do this," he whispered, "please. I don't... I don't like the thought of you going anywhere alone."

"Right... you're scared he might find me and I'll just willingly give in to him again," I nodded.

Louis' face had changed and he looked more than upset.

"I'm... I'm sorry," I sighed out, "I shouldn't have said that."

I walked back in, closing the door slowly, my hand staying on the doorknob. "I'm sorry, Lou. I was just upset."

"It's fine, love," Louis whispered, "maybe I shouldn't have said what I did."

"I wasn't trying to protect him," I looked back at him, "I was trying to protect us... I kept thinking how he may have had guys waiting for us. We could've died, Lou. By now, don't you get it?"

Louis stared at me, his arms crossed.

"After what happened in that flat, he's going to find any excuse to kill us," I told him softly.

"You think he's going to kill you?" He asked me quietly.

I kept my eyes on his, nodding a little, "yeah, I do actually. It's not something I've even admitted out loud yet."

"Harry, come on," Louis said, "he wouldn't kill you."

"Yeah, I think you're wrong," I spoke softly.

I went back into the bedroom and straight to my box, digging out the cocaine I had and immediately putting it out on the dresser. Louis was out on the other balcony now having a cigarette while I stood here getting high out of my mind for several minutes.

I closed my eyes and sighed, holding my nose closed for a few seconds. I didn't want to admit how much I needed this feeling at this moment.

Louis was standing in the doorway now watching me.

"Feel better?" He asked me softly.

"Uh, yeah, I do," I replied, not even looking at him. I grabbed my cigarettes and walked outside, my eyes darting down the streets below. I felt like at any moment I would see my old car sitting there; it just felt like it would happen.

"Tell me something," Louis started from beside me, "did you get high like this before every job you had? I'm just curious..."

I stared back at him, wondering why in the hell he would ever ask that. "What?"

"I just.. I was curious," he shrugged, "your willingness to have sex is increased when you're high. I've learned that about you by now."

I stared at him as he smiled a little. "You really want an answer to that? Or are you just trying to tease me?"

"I'm not teasing you," he said, his hand around my waist now. "I was just curious how all of that worked."

I couldn't help but snicker a little as I shook my head, "you want me to explain all of that to you?"

"You're supposed to talk, you know," Louis shrugged a little and looked off in the distance. "How did Zayn ever convince you into that line of work?"

"He didn't convince me," I looked back at him, "I convinced him."

Louis seemed surprised, "what?"

I nodded a little, "yeah. I was doing it before he was... I asked him to help. Told him what good money it was and he was wanting to save up for his own place away from the house... he wanted the money to buy like art supplies and stuff..."

"Wow," Louis said softly, "I... I had no idea."

"Why? Were you hoping he had influenced me?" I asked curiously.

"No," Louis shook his head, "I didn't... I didn't mean it like that. I can see why you'd start doing it..."

I stood quiet and hit my cigarette, looking down at the passing cars.

"I started doing it because I liked bringing happiness to someone else," I told him, "and I liked that I could make someone happy."

Louis couldn't turn his eyes away from me as he looked to be upset, "that's... that's actually really nice."

I shrugged a little, "I'd do a lot of different things with some of them. And some of them I had a relationship with... not like officially dating, but there were a few like Jeff... I mean, I cared about them. I'd go and do things with them... we'd do vacations..."

"Really? Sorta like with Darren also?" Louis asked me.

I swallowed hard and nodded, "yeah. Sorta like that."

"He did take you places, didn't he?" Louis almost whispered.

I pushed my hair back and sighed, "guess if I'm supposed to talk about everything, then now is the best time."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, "I don't understand why you wouldn't."

"Because it was part of something I wanted to forget happened," I looked back at him, "Lou, I want to forget it all happened. I want to forget that I moved into his house, that I travelled places with him... that I accepted a fucking car at 19... a car no regular professor could afford."

"All the signs were there, you just didn't see them," he spoke softly, "and it's ok that you were too wrapped up in him to see who he was, Harry. It isn't your fault he manipulated you into seeing what he wanted you to see, instead of what was."

"It's hard not to blame myself," I said lowly, "because I could've said no at 18 and maybe my life would've been different."

"It wouldn't have been," Louis blew out the hit of cigarette, "because the bastard would still have bothered you... he moved here just for you."

"Do you know what he's capable of?" I turned to him and asked, "do you really know?"

Louis stared back at me, "you shouldn't worry about it..."

"Lou, he has people working for him who can make us disappear," I interrupted him, "and this long silence... something tells me it isn't a good thing... I'm just saying that he could easily have someone kill us."

"Stop," Louis spoke, his hands pulling me into him, "don't dwell on that, alright? We... we both had one of the best nights of our lives."

I tried to nod, "I know... I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said, his fingers tracing down my arm slowly, "I just don't want you worrying over the situation right now... I want your mind to be here with me... not on him."

I turned back to him, his face staying gentle as he stared back at me.

"I'm sorry," I sighed, "I really am..."

"Harry, you'll get used to it," he told me, "it's gonna take time before you can control what you think... and that's ok."

"What did you want to do, then?" I asked him crossing my arms and giving him a sly smile.

"I... I kinda wanted to light the candles around the bed and just... disappear beneath the sheets together, wrapped up in one another."

I grinned a little, "that sounds heavenly actually. Just block out the world for a bit?"

Louis nodded. He went back in and began lighting the candles slowly while I watched him from the balcony.

I couldn't believe he had gone through all this trouble just to give me a perfect day and evening. He was amazing.

I left the balcony doors open and took a seat on the bed, watching Louis lighting the last few. He turned back to me, a smile on his lips.

"Do you wanna take this off or should I?" I grinned slyly at him from the bed, my fingers on the buttons of my sheer shirt.

Louis crawled up to me, his hands knocking my fingers away, "I want to."

I smiled, "I figured you would."

His eyes stayed on me, "I want to make love to you every single day, Haz. I want to look in your eyes and give you what you want so badly... that's all I want."

I slipped out of my boots slowly, my eyes staying on his, "are you proposing?"

Louis nearly snorted, "no, love... not yet."

"Damn," I sighed and gave him a grin. "You're drunk, so, I'll let you off the hook.. I'd rather be proposed to when sober, you know."

"I'll keep that in mind," he nodded, "you'll have to tell me what day you plan on being sober."

I looked back at my hands, Louis' eyes staying on me. "I'm sorry. I promised I wouldn't on our date..."

"You feel guilty?" He asked slowly, "well, technically, you should feel guilty, I suppose. You know it's something you don't need to keep doing..."

"Do we have to do this now?" I asked looking back at him, "just... make love to me. Please."

Louis couldn't break eye contact with me; he knew that I wanted that... more like, I needed that. I needed to feel him. I needed to touch him, hold him. I needed to look into his eyes and see the only person that mattered in my life... the only person that should matter.

He finally agreed, licking his lips a little. I reached over and switched on some music on my phone before looking back at him.

"What is this?" Louis smirked at me, "sounds like meditation music."

"It's... it's just music I like," I mumbled out, "music I've sorta saved..."

Louis' smile deepened, "I get you."

His fingers went to my buttons, his eyes staying on mine while he undone every one of them, pulling my shirt open slowly.

"I love you," he whispered to me, his lips inches from mine.

"I love you, too," I replied staring at him, "so much."

Louis' fingers ran down my chest, never breaking eye contact with me. He leaned in and kissed me gently, before he was undoing my pants.

And soon, we were entangled with one another, beneath the sheets of that bed, Louis entering me slowly.

"You alright, babe?" He asked me softly.

"I'm fine," I answered, my eyes staying on his, "just... make love to me, Lou."

He smiled a little as he leaned in to kiss me, his hands gripping mine on the sheets as he began thrusting into me slowly.

I couldn't help but lean my head back and moan, his lips tracing down my neck slowly, before his eyes looked back at mine.

He moved so gentle with me as he held me into that bed... his blue eyes staring into mine. This is all I wanted in life.

This face, this person, this connection... how was this even possible with someone I had known such a short time?

He whispered an, 'I love you' into my ear while he continued his pace, his fingers gripping mine.

His eyes met mine again, his thrusts speeding up a little. I felt his body shake above mine as he moaned out. I pulled him close to me as he came inside of me, closing my eyes and holding him the entire time.

He finally stopped, kissed my neck gently, then looked down between us, "Styles..."

"What?" I asked innocently.

"Did you...," he started, a smile appearing on his lips, "you came untouched."

I grinned, "yeah, well..."

Louis snickered as he got up slowly, heading for the bathroom to clean up. I followed him shortly after.

"What time they coming back?" I asked Louis once we had returned to the room.

"I believe we have all night," he winked at me and took a seat on the bed, his eyes glancing out at the moon that could hardly be seen above the lights of London.

"How'd you pull that off?" I asked and took a seat beside him.

He shrugged, "they all agreed to it. Gemma is staying with her friend tonight."

"You even got Gemma to go along with this," I asked quietly. "Wow."

Louis looked back at me after picking up the cigarettes, "yeah, well, they knew what it meant to me... and what it'd mean to you."

I grinned a little, "thank you. That was very thoughtful of you."

"You're welcome," he nodded before adding, "just go get some wine and let's make it worth remembering."

I chuckled a little and went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine from the fridge thinking how perfect this was... this was everything to me.

I took a seat next to him on the bed, Louis using an empty water bottle for an ashtray.

"Want me to find something else?" I smirked at him.

"Nah," he waved me off and sighed, his eyes looking back out the balcony doors, "did you have fun?"

"I had loads of fun," I told him, taking the cigarette from him, "thank you. For all of it."

Louis smiled a little before turning up the wine and gulping down a good bit.

"You're already drunk," I chuckled at him.

"Hey," he looked back, "I'm enjoying myself."

I shook my head and gave the cigarette back in exchange for the wine.

"Where all did you go with Darren?" He asked me, his eyes turning back to me.

I was taken back by the question but I replied, "uh... different places."

Louis nodded a little, "like?"

"He... he took me to Southampton, which you knew," I started, "and he took me to other places... loads of places. He... he took me to LA..."

Louis sat quiet again, glancing down at his hands.

"Why'd you ask?" I managed to say, "if it was going to bother you..."

"No, I need the truth," he glanced back, "I need you to talk about it... and I need to hear it, Harry. Alright? I need to understand these things just as much as you do."

"Why?" I asked softly.

"Because," Louis sighed, "you need to see it as it was... it was a relationship that never should've happened, but it was one that you didn't know how to get out of. You felt like you belonged to him, not because you loved him, but because you didn't know any other way of living. It is what it is, remember?"

"I've never belonged to anyone," I managed to get out, my eyes staying on his. "No one owns me, Lou."

Louis didn't break our eye contact, and I'm sure he could see how upset I was by the look in my eye.

"You've always wanted to feel free," he whispered, "but you've never been free, Harry. You know that."

"Is that something else I'm supposed to admit to myself in therapy?" I asked, my voice cracking.

"I'm not trying to upset you," he sighed, "I just meant... I feel like you put on the front you put on because you craved the freedom you desperately wanted."

I stared back at him, raising an eyebrow, "have you been smoking, babe?"

Louis smiled a little, "uh, no, not yet. I can just... figure out things, I guess... I don't know."

I smiled at him as I lay down on my side, staring up at him, "I suppose you said it right."

Louis took a hit and looked back at me.

"I... I've never liked feeling owned," I managed to get out, wondering if Louis even knew how hard it was for me to admit, "and, it's funny, because I allowed it for so long. How could I just continue to allow it to happen to me?"

"Harry, a lot of the times you did tell the bastard off," Louis said, "you should realize that... think about that. You did stand up to him several times... don't focus on what you did wrong, but what you did do right sometimes."

"It's hard to focus on those when I was willing to give into him," I almost whispered, feeling ashamed of myself for even saying it.

"Hey," Louis whispered, lying down next to me, "you kept giving into him because you felt like you were supposed to... you'll realize that soon."

"In therapy?" I asked him, a small smile crossing my lips.

"Yeah, most likely," he nodded, "I'm sure you're gonna learn loads in therapy."

I stared back down at the cigarette between my fingers, "and what about him? It's obvious he isn't giving up."

Louis stayed quiet for a few seconds, before he finally glanced back at me, "we'll worry about him later, alright?"

"I don't like not having a plan," I told him quietly, "alright? I don't like the fact that I think when I go places I'll see him there... I've barely been out of Gemma's apartment this week..."

"I know," Louis nodded, "I know, love. And I get why you've stayed here... but this fear he has over you, you've gotta learn to conquer."

I bit my lip before taking another hit of the cigarette, "bet you didn't expect this that first night you met me, did you?"

Louis' eyes met mine, a small smile on his lips, "Harry, we all have demons... that's nothing to be ashamed of. It won't define who you are... and I've told you, you're more than I ever expected."

I smiled back at him, searching his eyes, "remember telling me I was gorgeous that day?"

Louis was almost blushing as he fixed his fringe, "uh, yeah, I do. I blurted out a lot around you, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but," I started quietly, "I'm really glad you did, cause I really liked you."

"I honestly couldn't believe you would pick me," he almost smirked.

"Why?" I laughed a little.

"You're just... you seem like you could have anyone in the world," he started, his eyes looking back, "someone who could give you the world..."

"Louis," I interrupted him, "this is the world. You don't understand that. This... this is what I wanted. This is all I wanted.... since I was like 15."

"Woah," Louis laughed a little.

I smiled, "I just... I knew it'd happen one day, I guess. You want the real me? That's the real me... the person who's actually turned on by the fact that the person I love is making love to them..."

Louis' eyes stayed on mine, his face serious, "wow."

I shrugged a little, "I wanted someone to share my life with... and sometimes, I feel like I see that in your eyes when you look at me... probably doesn't make sense."

"Makes loads of sense," Louis nodded slowly before he grinned a little, "therapy is doing you well, love."

 


	45. Chapter 45

Harry Styles

 

 

  
"You sure you want to wait 4 hours?" I asked Louis as I got dressed for another session, "Lou, you don't have to do this every time."

"Harry, you're going nowhere without me," he replied, his hands on his hips in front of me.

I fixed my boots and looked up at him, "don't think I can take care of myself?"

"No," he said, "I think you can... I just... I worry."

"So, what... every time I leave the apartment I'm supposed to have protection now?" I raised an eyebrow and fixed my button up shirt in the mirror, rolling the sleeves up.

"Do you think that's a bad idea?" He asked me.

"Let me guess... you guys discussed this," I looked back at him, "why am I not surprised."

"Harry," he sighed, "look, they all mean well..."

"Whose idea was it to give me a babysitter?" I called to the boys in the living area.

They all 3 looked up at me from the sofa.

"It was mine," Zayn turned back to the tv.

"Really? I'm 20 years old and you want to give me a babysitter," I said seriously, "please tell me why exactly, Zayn."

"Because you and I both know what this bastard is gonna do," he looked back at me, "he's watching you... you know he is. You slip up once, Harry, and you might not come back."

"Why do you say that?" I asked confused, "you think he's going to kill me, too?"

"Didn't you already think that?" Zayn looked back, "I thought it the second we stopped beating the shit out of him."

Niall and Liam stayed quiet beside him.

"Wow... ok, so I guess I need to hire security," I managed to say finally, smiling a little. "This is going to get old real quick, you know."

"See you two in about 4 hours," Niall waved to us as we walked to the door.

Louis and I took a cab to the therapist's office and he took a seat in the waiting room with his phone. I had no clue why he would ever want to wait as long as he did.

The therapist and I talked over a lot that day... mostly him explaining to me why I still did hold feelings for Darren; they weren't feelings I wanted to feel, and he said some victims felt that way and some didn't; some victims were willing to feel for that person... I wasn't one of those. I didn't want to willingly feel anything for him.

It was hard to open up about all of this with someone who I hardly knew, but the deeper we went into the subject, the easier it seemed to get. Because he could explain to me why I felt the way I did; why I felt like that part of my life would never leave.

When it had finally ended, I felt loads better. I met Lou out front and he noticed the smile on my face.

"Good session?" He asked me.

"Yeah, actually, it was," I nodded.

Louis threw his arm around my waist as we walked outside. We stopped for coffee across the street, Louis standing in line ordering for us both. He knew me well by now.

"So, discuss some of it," Louis said as we waited.

"Uh, he.. he just went into why I still struggle with things... how I have to change my mindset... had to learn how to," I replied slowly.

"Good," he nodded.

"Yeah, I felt like I understood things a little better," I replied looking around the busy Starbucks.

We grabbed our coffees as Louis was going on about his phone call with his mum that morning, asking about Christmas next month.

"Yeah, we need to make plans," I smiled at him as we opened the door. My eyes went straight to a familiar car just a couple spaces up.

Louis sipped his coffee before he slipped his ray bans down, looking in the same direction I was.

"He's fucking following you," he said under his breath.

"Zayn was right, wasn't he?" I asked quietly.

Louis looked back at me, "Zayn's talked to someone, Harry."

I turned to him, "what?"

"Look, let's get out of here and I'll explain it, alright?" He said and went to hail a cab.

The car followed us... I glanced behind us, then at Louis.

"Why is he following us?" I whispered, "he can't... he can't follow us to Gemma's."

Louis looked back to see my old car a few cars behind us. Then, suddenly, he turned.

"Where's he going?" I asked confused.

"You need to talk to Zayn," he replied.

I glanced back at him, "what's going on?"

"You'll see."

We arrived back at Gemma's, the guys packing up their things; we were moving into the flat that afternoon.

"Zayn," I started as soon as I had entered. "Explain. Now. What the fuck is going on?"

Zayn exchanged looks with Louis, before he turned to me, "someone from our crew got in contact with me... turns out we were wrong, Harry..."

"About?" I asked him.

"Darren was the one you were working for," he admitted, his eyes not leaving mine. "I'm... I'm sorry."

"How... how could he possibly," I started, my mind not being able to comprehend what he had just told me.

"He kept it from you. He hid it from you," Zayn replied, "everything you sold, you were selling for him... don't you get it? He didn't buy out those guys.. they are his guys."

"But... but the house," I started, trying not to scream, "he bought me a house to keep me safe..."

"No," Zayn said seriously, "he made you think that... he bought it so he would have one more fucking excuse to hang over your fucking head.... don't you fucking get it?! Everything you have is because of him. That whole fucking crew works for him!"

"So, why did you think it was Calvin?" Niall asked Zayn and I.

Zayn sighed, "because we weren't told... we were the only ones. Darren didn't tell me because I was Harry's friend... he had to keep his identity safe from Harry. The guy is even smarter than I thought."

I pushed my hair back, trying to understand this... "So, all of those... those guys knew about Darren and I? They knew he bought me a house..."

Zayn looked back at me, "they knew, Harry. They all fucking knew..."

"So, if they knew," Niall looked at me, "why... why would Harry being gay even matter then? Isn't that why they attacked him and Jeff?"

I closed my eyes, "it wasn't Calvin, was it? That night I managed to get away, but Jeff didn't?"

Zayn stayed quiet, Louis put an arm around me and leaned his head against my arm.

"I... I don't know if it was Calvin," Zayn stuttered out, "but... I do know that several of them who worked with us aren't with him anymore..."

I looked back at him, "so?"

"So, we'd have a fair chance at killing him and getting it over with," Zayn replied coldly.

"You want to kill him?" I asked softly.

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

"Harry," Zayn stepped forward and put his hands on my shoulders, "if it wasn't Calvin that killed Jeff... who do you think it was?"

I felt so much rage building in me... I couldn't believe it... it wasn't possible.

I walked to the bedroom, Louis only following.

"Harry," he started.

"Don't," I whispered, searching through my box, "just... don't say anything. Please."

He stood still watching me but I didn't care. I needed to push out the thoughts that were flooding into my mind.

How would Darren kill Jeff? And how did he get away with it? Did he have Calvin do his dirty work? Nothing made sense to me. But I knew what deep shit I was in now... I couldn't even focus.

"You need to calm down," Louis started slowly, "alright? Why did you snort that? You're gonna have a panic attack."

"I'm not," I shook my head and stayed quiet.

"Look, he wanted to tell you before therapy, but he didn't want this to be in your head," Louis started again. "You needed to focus."

"Do you not see how bad this is?" I asked him, "Lou, this whole fucking time he has had me fooled... he's been the one I've worked for, made money for... and if he killed Jeff..."

"Harry, you said Calvin was there," Louis interjected.

"He was," I turned to him, "but when I left Jeff was alive... Darren wasn't home when I got to his house, Lou. I had to wait outside for him..."

Louis' face changed completely. "He killed his friend because of you..."

I looked away again, "it's all my fault... all of it. I'm the reason he's dead, Lou. And I didn't even see it."

"Stop," Louis almost shouted, "no, this isn't your fault. Stop with the guilt. This man is fucking psycho, Harry... you didn't make him kill Jeff, if he did."

I shook my head and stayed quiet, trying to process all of this. He literally had kept it all from me from the beginning. Everyone around me worked for him... he had all of these people aware of his relationship with me. It was a really scary feeling.

"They all knew," I shook my head, "all of them... they knew about Jeff..."

"So, do you think he'd really kill you?" Louis whispered, "because I'm with Zayn on this."

"Really? You're going to try to get away with murder?" I asked him.

Louis stood completely still, "if it's us against them... yeah. I doubt all of us would be arrested for a gang fight, you know."

I shook my head and opened the bedroom door before grabbing my coat.

"Where are you going?" Louis asked me quickly.

"A walk. Who wants to babysit me?" I asked them all.

Louis sighed, "Harry, I'll go with you."

I nodded a little and opened the door, storming off to the elevator.

We took a cab across town, stopping at a huge cemetery, Louis' eyes looking at me as I stepped out. I paid the driver and buried my hands in my pockets.

"He's buried here," Louis said softly.

I nodded a little and started walking, Louis behind me, his eyes darting back and forth.

I stopped at a familiar headstone, Louis stopping and reading it slowly.

"His birthday was tomorrow," Louis whispered.

I managed to nod a little, before pushing my hair back and trying not to lose control right now.

"He... he offered for me to live with him," I said slowly, "and I really considered it for a while... but, it was like... I didn't feel for him like he did for me..."

Louis stayed quiet as I pulled my cigarettes out and lit one. I ran my fingers over the headstone gently.

"I don't know what to say, Harry," Louis whispered, "I... I just don't understand how Darren could get away with this..."

"I do," I said back, "because he pays people off... he has his ways."

I hit my cigarette and stared at Jeff's name, "how many people is Zayn talking about?"

"I don't know," Louis sighed, "a pretty good few. They were good friends with Calvin..."

"That says it all, then," I started, "I put Calvin behind bars, Louis."

"Yeah, but they know that Darren was keeping it a secret from you," Louis said, "they fucking knew, Harry. They can tell you they knew."

"This is just... unreal," I said back quietly, "I can't believe this whole time... and I didn't even know."

"Don't... Don't blame yourself," Louis said slowly.

"It's really hard not to," I managed to say slowly, "why was I stupid enough to not see any of it, Lou?"

"Because the problem was always bigger than you," he whispered to me, "this issue... him, you... it's been bigger than you since the first day."

I managed to nod a little, "how do we get away with it?"

Louis glanced back at me, but my eyes stayed on the grave in front of me.

"I... I don't know," he whispered, "it'll look like a drug bust gone wrong... and a few of those guys will be taken in..."

I turned back to Louis, "they were taken in for the burglary..."

Louis nodded, "do you know which ones were?"

It dawned on me... Darren had set them up... of course they'd be pissed.

"He... he set them all up," I sighed out. "The guys that got took in for robbing him... he planned it. Jesus fucking Christ."

Louis nodded, "well, not all of them... some of the ones who are still working for him are the ones who attacked Zayn in Dublin."

"So, they want... they want to help," I looked back at him, "Louis... I don't know if I can do that...."

Louis' eyes didn't break away, "Harry, I'll fucking kill him before he ever kills you."

"Is he actually planning that?" I asked him.

Louis looked back down at Jeff's grave, "Zayn thinks so... I kinda do, too. I think... I think he's been pushed one too many times now."

I stayed quiet, my mind overflowing with thoughts. How did I let him get away with murdering Jeff? I wasn't going to. I couldn't. He deserved to die... there was no doubt in my mind now.

"You know, last year, I came here on his birthday with his mum," I smiled at Louis, "we just stood here and she talked about him... her little boy."

"Wasn't he older?" Louis asked smirking.

"He was 27," I nodded, "younger than Darren, but older than me..."

I smiled down, "she would tell me how much I meant to him... I had only met the woman like a handful of times at this point... but I made a promise to her at the funeral that I would come with her every year on his birthday."

Louis smiled and took my hand, "that's really nice, Harry."

"She's an amazing, mum," I said softly.

I turned back to Louis, blowing out my hit, "I wanna talk to Zayn... I want to end this."

"Harry, I don't know if we can get away with it," Louis spoke softly, "I mean, we could all go to jail."

"Not necessarily," I replied, "2 different groups of drug dealers going at it at the hands of a  well-respected professor..."

"See, it sounds worse when you say it," Louis said seriously.

I smirked a little, before my face turned serious, "then, I'll go to him... I'll set him up for once."


	46. Chapter 46

Louis Tomlinson

 

  
"You're out of your mind," Niall was nearly yelling as we were putting up boxes in the flat that evening.

"Tell us what other option we have," Zayn said back before looking at Harry, "but you're not going alone. He isn't stupid, Harry. Do you think he'll expect you to show up alone?"

"Isn't that kinda the point?" Harry asked, "make him think I'm alone?"

"No," I said quickly, "you're not doing it without us... you won't go anywhere near him alone... Harry, there's no telling what he'll do to you..."

"How else are we going to do this?" Harry asked me, "I'd love to know, Lou. Just call him up and tell him a few of us want to beat the shit out of him?"

I stayed quiet and took a box up to our room, sitting it down on the unmade bed.

"What do you suggest?" Harry spoke up from the doorway, "wait until he does something first?"

"Harry, he's gonna know something is up the second you text him," I looked back at him, "you know he suspects you to."

Harry nodded a little, "wonder if he suspects me to just show up at his flat one night... say, after a class?"

"You... you can't kill him in that building," I said seriously, "they'd take us all in."

"Then, what?" He asked, "tell me a reasonable plan here..."

"There's not a reasonable plan for killing someone," I spoke over him. "Alright? We kill him, we either die or we end up in jail..."

"So, I'm supposed to pretend like he didn't kill Jeff," Harry nodded at me, "I... I can't do that. And if he's planning to come for either of us, Lou, I will kill him. I'm not playing."

I stared back at him, knowing how much he meant that now, "you actually want him dead, don't you?"

Harry stayed still for a moment, then finally nodded, "I do... and I want to do this the easiest way to keep it off of us."

"How... how do we?" I asked. "Gloves and stuff, yeah, but he's a respected professor at London University... his death is going to be fucking suspicious."

"I know," Harry replied slowly, "but... I think he deserves it, Lou."

I shook my head slowly, knowing that I agreed with him... but the fact that we were planning this... I couldn't believe it had come to this. What if Harry, or any of us, went to prison?

I got that Harry wanted revenge for what happened to Jeff; that made perfect sense. But I knew also how much Harry never wanted to hurt anyone... it was rather shocking for him to be this way. It wasn't who he normally was.

And maybe he had finally reached that point where he really didn't care if Darren died... because he knew if he died, then his own troubled mind would die with him. And he would finally feel a lot freer.

"I think you should think this through more," I finally told him. "Alright?"

Harry didn't say anything. He started hanging up clothes and I hated the tension.

"Harry, I know you're angry," I started.

"Of course I'm fucking angry," he almost yelled, "he's gotten away with all of this, Lou... I just... I can't help but feel like he deserves some sort of justice."

"Harry," I started quietly, "I'm sorry... I am. But acting out of anger isn't going to get you anywhere... it could be a really bad thing..."

"You'd know," he nodded, "tell me... if you and Zayn can go and meet him, why can't I? Are you worried he'll kill me, or just take advantage of me? Which one is it?"

I stared down at my hands, biting my lip gently. I didn't know how to answer that.

"It's different now, Harry," I started again, "he isn't texting you, but he is watching you... don't you think that's odd? If you go to him, you could possibly never come home."

Harry stayed still, his eyes on the floor. I knew how upset he was... I could read it on his face.

I saw him change from the gentle soul he always was to a soul that showed every scar and heartbreaking pain he had gone through... he was showing me his darkest side.

It was a little scary, to be honest. I had never seen him this way. I understood why he was; Darren had destroyed not only him but Jeff, too... he was fighting a battle in his head. I knew he was. He was stuck between going there right away and killing Darren, or staying here and waiting it out.

"Maybe you should take your meds," I told him slowly.

He breathed a heavy sigh and picked them up. I watched him chew one and toss the pills back on the bed.

"This is an odd side, Styles," I told him.

He looked back at me, still not smiling, "I've just... I'm sorry."

He hurried out of the room and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Zayn stood in the doorway looking at me, "you don't think he should do it, right?"

"No, I don't," I said, "Zayn, he expects this shit... you can't tell me he doesn't."

Zayn crossed his arms, "so, what does Harry do then? Continue to hide? Continue to be stalked by him until one day he never comes back?"

I stared at him, knowing he was right. "There has to be another way... Zayn, he can't go to jail."

"He won't," Zayn replied slowly, "I will, before he does. I promise."

I looked back at him in disbelief, "you're gonna take the heat for this, aren't you?"

Zayn stayed quiet, looking down the hall.

"You... you can't do that," I told him, "you can't go to prison for him..."

"And Harry can't spend the rest of his life this way," Zayn said back immediately, "not when he has a life to look forward to."

"Zayn," I started.

He put his hand up, "don't. Look, if he does this, just know he won't be charged, alright?"

I stayed quiet again as I heard Harry coming back from the bathroom, sniffing again.

"Hey," Zayn started, causing Harry to turn to him, "are you sure you wanna do that? We can find another way..."

Harry's face stayed serious, "I'm positive."

Zayn nodded a little and walked out while I turned back to Harry, "how are you going to do this?"

Harry glanced back at me, "simple. Act."

"But he expects you to come to him," I sighed again, "don't you get that? He could possibly kill you."

"Yeah, funny thing is, I have a key," he started, "and I also know where every gun is. So, if I'm there before he is, I suppose it'd be different."

"You're going to be able to pull the trigger on him?" I asked seriously.

Harry bit his lip and sat down on the bed, "I... I don't know. Right now, yes, I could. And I wouldn't think twice about doing it... even if I went to jail."

"Harry," I started, "really, there has to be another way... why can't the other guys do it? Why can't they do this and you not get involved."

"Because I am involved," he glanced back, "and maybe I'm not going to kill him... maybe I just want to have a 'chat' with him."

"So, basically, you're the bait," I said quietly, "this is fucking shit, Harry..."

"Do you know a better way?" He asked quietly.

"And what if he doesn't want to chat?" I asked him, "what if he suspects this? Somehow?"

"Then, I guess I do have a death wish," he mumbled a little.

I stood there staring down at him wondering where this side was coming from. It was scary, to put it simply.

"You're willing to go risk your life," I said quietly, "Harry... I don't... I can't let you do that."

"Lou," he stood up slowly, "you can't stop me either. And I don't mean that disrespectful... you can ask me to stay, but... I'm capable of making this decision, alright?"

"No!" I shouted at him, "you're not doing it."

Harry sighed a little, "I'm not afraid of him, alright? Not anymore... I can do this."

"No... you... Harry," I tried to stutter.

"Lou, look, eventually I deserve some revenge, right?" He almost smirked at me.

"If you go, I'll call the police," I said seriously.

Harry's face changed, "why?"

"Because I don't think this is a good fucking idea," I almost yelled. "And... I really don't think you are thinking this through..."

"What if I don't kill him?" He asked.

"Will you please... just think this through," I said, "I... I don't want to lose you... and this is just stupid."

Harry sighed, "fine... I guess."

"Harry," I started, "I know you're fucking angry... but if you kill him, or anyone else for that matter, how is it not going to turn on us?"

"His guys won't go to the police over it," Harry almost smirked, "really? They have a warehouse full of drugs, Lou."

"They what?" I asked. "Why... why not just tell the police where it is, then?"

"Oh, so it can come back to me, too?" Harry asked, "really? Remember what happened this past time? If I give their location away... Louis, they'll fucking kill me... "

"He already wants to kill you, remember?" I said sarcastically, "we can easily send in an anonymous tip..."

"No," Harry said back immediately, "are you really looking for trouble here, Lou?"

"No," I sighed and sat down again, "God... I'm just... exhausted... and this shit..."

"I'm sorry," Harry spoke softer as he sat down, "I got carried away, I know... but Lou, what do we do?"

"I don't know," I said back slowly, "I'm ready to run away to Doncaster, Harry.... and just rent a flat there... to take us both away."

Harry finally smiled again, "is that what you want? Really?"

"Maybe," I shrugged a little, "it'd be nice... and we could always drive down to your mum's and see her as well."

"Why don't we?" He asked still smiling.

"What?" I laughed, "we'd need jobs.. I mean, my school money isn't going to last much longer."

"I still have enough," he replied slowly.

"How much is enough?" I asked curiously.

"Eh," he shook his hand back and forth, "maybe somewhere around like £6000 in cash... somewhere in there."

"What?" I asked surprised, "how the hell..."

"I made a lot," he replied keeping his eyes on me, "I saved a lot of it... I have more in an account I don't touch."

"Are you fucking serous?" I asked, "why am I just finding this out?"

Harry smirked, "I don't know... never thought it was important. It's just money."

"You're right, but damn," I laughed as he just smiled even more, "would you really like Doncaster?"

"I think it'd be perfect," he started, running his finger over his lip, "it's gorgeous, really. Has a very homey feel to it... sorta like Holmes Chapel."

"Yeah, suppose you're right," I smiled at him, "what kind of jobs would we have?"

"We could always find work after getting there," he grinned, "a nice, small flat on one of those streets where everyone's drives are, like connected, to each other?"

I couldn't help but laugh at him. He was truly adorable.

"And we'd have, like a set of stairs up to the rooms... one for us and then one for maybe a baby one day," Harry spoke a little quieter, looking down at his hands.

"Kids," I managed to say while my face was probably glowing, "you want kids with me?"

Harry glanced back, "yeah, I... I kinda do... I want all of this to go away so that we can have that."

"I... I want that, too," I managed to say, before smiling, "you know... I had a dream about our wedding, which I told you..."

"Yeah," Harry nodded a little and smiled.

"Yeah, it was amazing afterwards, too," I said.

"What?" He laughed, "we had sex somewhere after the wedding? Do tell."

"It wasn't sex," I replied, "you're so dirty, Harold, all the fucking time."

"You made it sound that way," Harry grinned back at me, "so, what was it?"

"The rain," I answered him, a small grin coming over my face, "you and I... standing in the rain."

Harry's face lit up, "really?"

"Really," I nodded a little, "funny how that was in my dream, right?"

"Right," he whispered as he stared at me, "Lou, you know I'm not scared to go help someone do this... I'm not. But I... I know I couldn't do it."

"That sounds like the Harry I know," I said softly, "but... Harry, even if you go to help... he's still going to die... can you live with that?"

Harry stared back at his hands, "no.... I don't think I could live with that."

I nodded, "so, you get that this is an idiotic thing to do."

"Yeah," he whispered back, "I just... I want it all to go away... because I feel like I'm anticipating a future that I so desperately want... but it's being stopped by this..."

"I get that," I said, "and it's alright, love. It'll turn out fine... and we'll have a flat in Doncaster... with kids. Jesus, did I just say that?"

"Jesus heard you say it, yes," Harry nodded, "so, you're gonna keep that promise to Jesus."

I laughed a little as I stared at him, "it's funny how different your 2 sides are..."

Harry looked at me confused.

"Well, you've got the side where you're just an arse and shut out everything... but then you have this side, the side that craves commitment with someone," I stated.

Harry smiled a little, looking down, "I... I was never one for, like, being tied down, to anyone. But, yeah, I think that's changed."

"I couldn't tell," I smirked at him as he grinned beautifully, "so..."

Harry sat up some, "so...."

"What's the plans for Christmas?" I asked him grinning from ear to ear.

"We haven't discussed it yet," he laughed a little, "why?"

"Just curious... I wanted to spend my birthday there," I said softly, "with you... I made mum buy Scrabble."

"You did what?" Harry asked through wide eyes, "you didn't."

"I did," I chuckled, "uh, yeah, told her how much you liked it."

Harry's dimples deepened, "wow... you're incredible, you know. That's amazing. Thank you."

"So, will you go?"

Harry brushed my cheek with his finger, "I wouldn't miss it for the world, Lou. Can't wait to meet the rest of your family."

"Oh, Jesus," I groaned into the mattress, Harry chuckling beside me.

"They can't be that bad."

"They're pretty fucking terrible," I said back, "you'll see."

"Are... are we exchanging gifts?" He asked me with a smile. I glanced back at him and he smirked, "what? You were looking at my rings pretty hard in the cab..."

I couldn't help but laugh, "uh, yeah... I'm getting you something. You don't have to get me..."

"Oh, shut it," he interrupted, "you know I'm getting you something... probably from Saint Laurent."

"You wouldn't dare," I pointed at him.

Harry chuckled a little and glanced out the balcony doors, "I wanna know how this ends... even if I don't help."

I looked back up at him, watching his eyes staring off, "it's going to end well... I promise."

Harry glanced back at me, trying to smile as Niall called from the kitchen.

"I think Harry should cook the first meal!"

"Oh, Jesus, I'm being summoned," Harry nearly groaned as he got up slowly. "Want to help me cook, Lou?"

"Well, I might burn something," I winked at him before following him back to the kitchen, "the place looks great with the furniture."

"Yeah, we should thank Niall's parents," he smirked and went through the fridge, "Jesus, I thought you guys would've gotten more food."

Zayn was seated on his phone, his calm facade seemed to have disappeared.

"What's up?" I asked him quietly.

Zayn looked back at me, "they... they already left for Darren's."

Harry turned around, staring at both of us. He immediately went over to Zayn, "keys, now."


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains violence. Just a warning.

* * *

 

  
Harry Styles

 

 

"I can't... I can't give them to you," Zayn managed to tell me, keeping his eyes on me, "Harry, you go there..."

"They're going to kill him," I interrupted, "give me some fucking keys."

Louis shook his head at Zayn but Zayn only sighed and pulled his keys out.

"What are you doing?" Louis almost shouted at me.

I looked back at him, "do you wanna come?"

Louis didn't break eye contact with me, "what?"

"Do you want to come or not?" I almost yelled at him, "you know what... forget it. Call the police."

"Harry," Niall shouted after me as Louis followed me outside.

"Harry, you can't do this," he started, Zayn walking up behind me.

"Let's go," was all Zayn said as he climbed in the car.

"You've gotta be joking," Louis said seriously.

I opened the driver's door and stared down, "you don't have to come, Lou...."

"And you don't have to do this," he told me, "Harry, you owe him nothing!"

I turned back to him, "you're right... either get in, or stay here."

Louis knew how serious I was... he finally climbed in the back seat and sat quiet.

"Why... why did they go without Harry?" I heard Louis ask Zayn.

Zayn glanced at me, "because they've been cheated out of money by Darren for too long..."

"What?" I asked him, "what do you mean?"

"Besides setting them up with the robbery, he also cheated them on their cut several times... even if after Jeff died."

"Can we just go back?" Louis spoke up again. "Harry, come on..."

"I'm supposed to go back... and just let this happen?" I asked him.

"Yes," he shouted, "Harry, by going there, you're only making this situation worse."

"I... I can't sit there and just allow this," I almost shouted.

"Stop, calm down, or let me drive," Zayn spoke up, "fuck, Harry. Calm the fuck down... if he dies, it isn't such a big fucking deal..."

"It is a big deal!" I yelled back at him, Zayn closing his mouth and staring at me. Louis sat quiet and I knew I had gone too far.

I managed to sigh and focus my eyes back on the wet roads, wondering what we were getting ourselves into.

"So, you're going to try and protect him from being killed," Louis spoke up, "and yet, you say you're not protecting him..."

"It's murder," I almost shouted again, "I..."

"Harry, shut the fuck up," Louis yelled over me, "if they murder him, what the fuck does it matter?! You're not involved!"

I didn't say another word... until we had arrived on a familiar street in Peckham... my eyes darting around the empty spaces in front of his flat.

"Where are they?" I asked.

Zayn was checking his pistol beside me before glancing back up at the flat, "maybe they've already come and gone... or haven't made it yet."

"Or maybe they're waiting on Harry," Louis said seriously, "maybe you're walking into a trap again and your mind is too fucking clouded to see that."

I glared back at him, then stepped out of the car slowly, Zayn right behind me.

"Can anyone see your car?" I whispered to him.

Zayn shook his head as we kept walking. Louis followed slowly until we had stopped at the back door... it was unlocked.

Zayn told me to step back and he opened it slowly, glancing around inside... the house was trashed... again. And there was no sign of Darren.

"Where else would they be?" I asked Zayn quietly.

He turned back to me, "Harry, Louis is right... you don't need to do this..."

Louis crossed his arms and sighed as his eyes glanced around the streets outside.

"Maybe I need closure," I told Zayn quietly, "maybe I need to say a few things to him before I just allow him to die."

"You're not one for revenge, remember?" Zayn asked me softly, "you're angry, I know, Harry... but if they get away with it... you don't have to worry about him anymore..."

"You knew he wouldn't be here," I said suddenly, it dawning on me that he had known all along. "You knew he would be somewhere else..."

"I did," Zayn nodded at me, "and I didn't tell you because I didn't want you getting hurt."

I shook my head and ran my hands through my hair, "where is he, then?"

"I'm not telling you," Zayn mumbled. "Alright? Those guys are doing us a favor..."

"Did you set this up?" I almost shouted at him.

"Harry," Louis started from behind me.

"No, don't!" I turned and yelled to him, "I can't believe you'd do this... you wanted him killed so you just made some phone calls?!"

Zayn didn't say anything... I took his keys and hurried back out to the car, both of them chasing after me.

"Harry!"

"Don't," I told them, "just don't!"

I climbed in the car and took off quickly up the street, having a pretty good idea where they were.

I couldn't believe I had left them there... what possessed me to do this? I knew what trouble I was getting into. Somehow, it didn't seem to matter... I was too fucking angry now. I rarely ever got this way... but I couldn't fight the anger that was burning all over me.

I was angry, I felt guilty... I was back at step one again... and I finally realized that I would always return back to that first step as long as Darren was around.

I was alone, Completely alone as I pulled up on an old street I recognized immediately. I made sure to park out of sight, although the street itself was pretty much abandoned.

I knew this place really well. It was the flat we had shared with the guys in our crew for weeks at a time. I knew he'd be here somehow.

I stepped out of the car, my mind was racing... I knew this was stupid... I knew I could die... so why was I doing it?

Did I really need closure that badly? Did I really need to walk in here and do this?

Was he here; was he even alive at this point? Did I even know he was?

I glanced around at the dim street lights, not seeing any other trace of anyone. The door was unlocked, too. I swallowed the lump in my throat and opened the door, my eyes looking around. No one was here, it seemed.

My heart was racing more and more by the minute...

I knew damn well Darren's guys weren't far away... they had to have known this was coming.

I walked upstairs slowly, my legs feeling like lead beneath me... I was finding it harder and harder with every step. I was afraid I was going to find him dead somewhere... and I wasn't sure I was prepared for it.

"Well," I heard a familiar voice say. I looked in the bedroom directly in front of me, Darren standing there, "nice of you to drop by, Harold."

I stood in the doorway, the smirk on his lips only making the nervousness grow in me. There were tons of different drugs on the table in the room.

"There's... there's people coming," I managed to get out.

He laughed a little, "so, you came to warn me, Styles? Really? After everything?"

"No," I started as I stepped closer to him, "maybe I came to watch you die."

He stared back at me, his eyes searching mine, "you wouldn't let them kill me... didn't Zayn know that?"

"How... how did you know..."

"I'm not fucking stupid," he turned to me, "and for the record, I didn't kill Jeff, Harry..."

I stared at him, feeling every fiber of my being telling me to attack him myself.

"You didn't kill him," I started, "so, why does Calvin's guys seem to think you set Calvin up?"

"I didn't set him up," he looked back, "I protected you... just like I told you I would..."

"If I was working for you, then why did Jeff die?!" I yelled at him.

He glanced back at me, "it was an accident."

"An accident," I nodded a little, feeling tears stinging my eyes, "so, you knew about it..."

"I knew about it," he looked back, "but I didn't do it..."

"He was your best friend," I almost screamed, "what the fuck is wrong with you?! Do you not have any sympathy for anyone?!"

Darren's eyes stayed on mine, "no, I don't suppose I do. Not even you anymore."

There was so much built up anger inside of me and I finally allowed it to control me... I attacked him and I wasn't backing down this time... he wouldn't walk away from this.

I knew in most cases that he was stronger than me, but he didn't stand a chance this time. I was too possessed with anger and hatred at this person who had destroyed my life... every single fucking part of it.

This was a side I had never tapped into... and even though I knew that, I didn't fucking care.

He didn't deserve to live. I knew it... and the more I hit him, the more I talked myself into it.

I threw him against the wall, my hand pulling the gun out of his pocket, "where's the rest of your protection..."

"You won't shoot me," he almost smirked at me.

I kept my eyes on his, the gun in my hand against his neck, "give me a reason why... tell me why I shouldn't.... after everything you have done to me... give me one good reason why you should fucking live."

He smiled a little, "because you don't want me dead.... and you fucking know it, Harry. You can't kill me... you don't have it in you... it's not who you are."

"You don't know who I am," I mumbled back to him, pushing the gun into his neck more, "you've never known who I was... don't you get that? I'm a fucking person with feelings... I'm not a fucking toy for your amusement..."

I heard footsteps and I wasn't sure who it was... my eyes looked back at the door waiting to see his guys appear... and Darren had shoved me off, the gun falling to the floor. He picked it up before I even had the chance.

I wrestled with him for several seconds before it had gone off, almost at the same time as another gun shot... but I wasn't sure who had shot...

All I felt was overwhelming pain somewhere near my shoulder, while Darren hit the floor beside me. My breathing was heavy as I tried to process what had just happened... I turned to see Louis standing there, Zayn's pistol in his hand.

"You...," I started.

"Get up," Zayn said immediately as he and Louis picked me up.

My eyes glanced back at Darren lying there... he was going to die. Louis picked up Darren's gun immediately, wrapping it in something.

"Zayn, we can't... we can't..." I started.

"Louis, get him to the car, now," Zayn called.

Louis was pulling me out but I couldn't stop looking back. He helped me in the car, unbuttoning my shirt and looking over my shoulder. "Shit."

"I'm fine," I managed to reply.

Zayn climbed back in, started the engine, as 2 other cars were coming down the street ahead.

"Get down," Zayn whispered back to us.

We slumped down in the seat to see not only Calvin's guys arriving and heading in, but now Darren's were as well.

"Shit... what do we do now?" Louis asked Zayn.

Zayn kept looking out the back window, "we wait..."

"Did you kill him?" I managed to ask Louis.

Louis kept staring at me, then Zayn... maybe they thought I was in shock... I wasn't sure where I was, to be honest.

"I didn't," Louis replied calmly, "but he may very well die now..."

My body was shaking as Louis took off his button up shirt and applied it to my shoulder.

"We should take him to the hospital," he looked up at Zayn.

Zayn shook his head, his eyes still on the flat, "we need to get the hell out of here without being seen first."

"How did... did you get here so fast?" I asked him.

"Niall and Liam followed us, Harry, "Louis replied loudly, "what... did you think they wouldn't?"

I kept my eyes on his, "I'm... I'm sorry. I was... I was pissed. I was way out of line..."

"You were," Louis nodded a little, "but you were angry."

I stayed quiet as he kept pressure on my shoulder, more like, below the collar bone.

Zayn finally put the car in drive, keeping the lights off as he left slowly... we all 3 hoped we weren't seen.

"How exactly are you going to do this if you don't take him to the hospital?" Louis was asking Zayn as we rode back to our flat across town... my mind was all over the place.

I wasn't sure what I was feeling... I wasn't upset with Louis for doing what he did. I didn't blame him. Yet, once again, I was facing feelings I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have cared if Darren died... I mean, I never saw myself wanting to take another human being's life... but I couldn't process it through my head that he may die... and who will get blamed for it? Whose bullet was it? It was Zayn's gun.

"Where are you stashing the gun?" I looked up at Zayn, his eyes meeting mine in the rearview mirror.

"I'll find a place," he replied, "I'll put Darren's in a different place."

I managed to nod a little, my shoulder still killing me.. The pain was intense, yeah, but I also felt disoriented to everything around me... it was like it was real, but it wasn't. I really did need therapy.

When we arrived back at our flat, Zayn quickly took me to the bathroom, Louis going to my box to grab out something for pain.

Ok, done," Louis was saying as he finished pumping my body full of something to take my mind off of what Zayn was about to do.

I could barely even focus as it was, but the rush hit me and I leaned back against the countertop, watching the blood running down my shoulder.

Zayn was cleaning it all as I watched Louis, "you wanted to kill him, didn't you?"

He didn't look at me.

"This is gonna hurt like hell, so you might wanna bite something," Zayn spoke up, splashing lidocaine on my shoulder.

I stayed quiet, even through him digging the bullet out. Pain wasn't really an issue for me... I guess I was used to it. I was used to being more in pain mentally than physically.

Louis finally looked back at me, "Harry, Zayn knew you were gonna do this... it was an accident."

"Shooting him was an accident," I nodded a little, wincing a little.

Zayn looked back at me, knowing he had to sew it up. I just remained quiet and waited.

"You sure he shouldn't go to the hospital?" Louis asked quietly.

Zayn's face stayed calm, "if you want him linked to what happened tonight, we can... I'd suggest we don't."

Louis stayed quiet again, his eyes staying on the floor. I couldn't help but wonder if he was feeling guilty himself now... maybe he didn't. Maybe it was just me.

"So, how did we end up there before them? Because Darren suspected it," I looked back at Zayn.

He glanced back up, "they went to the warehouse first... Darren went to the flat because he knew you would think he was there if he wasn't at home."

"How'd you know that?" I asked him, "that he wouldn't be at home, but the warehouse."

"Because I was told," he replied, "and I didn't tell you because I knew what you'd do."

My mind was racing. I was trying to process this still... I felt like I couldn't process it at all.

Louis immediately took his bloody t-shirt off and began washing his hands in the sink.

"Why... why did you let him do it?" I asked Zayn, Louis looking back at me.

Zayn finally finished my shoulder, putting gauze over it, his eyes meeting mine, "because Louis asked, Harry."

"Look, he wasn't dead," Louis started.

"He is now," I said back, "what... do you think he made it out of there alive? All of those guys there? And aren't they going to suspect me anyways if they somehow get away with this?"

"No," Zayn replied, "because what happened tonight there will be put off as a drug bust gone wrong... Darren was delivering drugs tonight, Harry... that's how I knew he was there... I fucking thought this through, alright?"

"So, you're not worried they're gonna somehow link me to this?" I asked him almost shouting, "my blood was on him."

Zayn bit his lip, "I don't think that's gonna matter by the time those guys are done with him, Harry... I doubt there will be a trace of you left."

I stared at him, the tension only rising even more. I didn't know what to think... I couldn't comprehend this.


	48. Chapter 48

Louis Tomlinson

 

 

  
Harry refused to sleep that night... he stayed up all night, no words being said. He continued to get high all fucking night. And I was having a hard time allowing it...

I stood in the back garden, smoking a cigarette. I knew fully well that if we had gotten away with this like those guys and Zayn had planned that Darren would be dead.

Zayn had been right... he knew that if we kept waiting something was going to happen; we all knew that. So, why was it such a big deal that we had played him at his own game for once? Isn't that what Harry had wanted all along?

Didn't he want the freedom he had craved for so long? Didn't he see when he lived in Darren's house and drove his car that this was what he wanted? I knew he didn't want it to end in this way... but it could've been him. Harry could've died. It may not have been tonight, it may have been days or weeks from now. But something told me that this guy wasn't going to ever let Harry go... not as long as he was alive.

Hadn't Darren proved that to Harry every fucking time he had turned up out of nowhere? Every time he had taken advantage of him? Hadn't he proved how obsessed he was by now? Didn't Harry see that even though Zayn and I did confront him, that he would only want to push himself on Harry more? He had always been that way.

Darren knew fully well what Harry's mind had come to... and I think that's what made me the angriest. He fucking knew that Harry was so manipulated by him that he could literally have him do anything... he fucking knew he had Harry caged.

Somehow, I couldn't regret this... I couldn't regret shooting him. And if he did end up dying, I wouldn't regret it. I just couldn't... not after what I had seen this 20 year old soul go through... the amount of times he had been crushed by him.

I closed my eyes, feeling them sting because I knew fully well how hard this was going to be for Harry to cope with... even though it shouldn't have been. He had even further to go in therapy now and that thought scared me.

I feared he would freak out at some point; that thought alone made tears fall out because he was already lying inside in our bed, high out of his mind to cope with what had just happened to Darren, the piece of him he was still struggling to let go.

"Hey," Zayn spoke up.

I wiped my eyes and turned to him, "hey."

"You alright, mate?" He asked me.

I nodded, "I just... I don't like seeing Harry like this... what if he blames me."

"Blames you?" Zayn asked, "do you think he's that bad off, Louis?"

I sighed and lit a cigarette, "I often wonder how bad off he is... it's like his mind is always in 2 places. And now... I don't know... I fear he might have a severe setback."

Zayn nodded a little, "I think that's probably to be expected... but you can't let him stop therapy, Louis. He cannot stop."

"How are you so sure we're going to get away with this?" I asked him.

Zayn shrugged, "I've staged sorts of things like this before... and those guys are very good at it..."

"You're joking," I said.

He shook his head, "I'm pretty good at it... and when I was told there was a drug deal, I just sorta knew... they wanted it to be a drug bust."

I stayed quiet, hitting my cigarette again.

"They're not going to come for Harry," he whispered, "alright? No one's gonna know he was there."

I nodded a little, "I fucking hope you're right, Malik."

"Look... just wait and see," Zayn said before he almost smiled, "but I think it's going to be alright..."

I looked back at him, trying to nod.

"How's Harry?" Niall spoke up next.

I looked at him in the doorway, "uh... he's... being Harry... staying high."

"Maybe you should go talk to him," Zayn whispered.

I took a deep breath before going in and opening our bedroom door, Harry sitting by the window, a joint in his hand.

"Hey," I closed the door and walked over to him, his eyes looking up at mine, "it's like 4 in the morning... we should try and get some sleep."

"I... I don't know what to think, Lou," he managed to get out, "I... I don't know how to cope with this."

I sat down in front of him, knowing how hard it was for him to get that out. "I know... and if you're pissed at me, then be pissed... but I wasn't going to let him get away with it..."

"So, you played him at his own game," he said back, his eyes not leaving mine.

I sat there, staring in those eyes, "Harry, from the moment I met you, I knew there were secrets to you..."

Harry bit his lip, then hit the joint again.

"I didn't realize how deep those secrets ran," I whispered, "and I certainly never saw this future happening... I didn't. I didn't expect to have to do that... I never saw it coming to this. When I met you that first day in class, no, I didn't expect this life... but I don't regret this at all... I... I can't regret doing what I did for you... because he deserved to be played for once... don't you see that?"

He closed his eyes and sighed, "I just... I can't... this didn't have to happen like this..."

"Harry, playing him at his own game was the only way it'd ever happen," I almost shouted at him, "you've gotta see that... you've gotta stop having feelings for him."

Harry glared back at me, tears falling out and I could tell how upset I had just made him. "He's dead, Lou. He's fucking dead."

"Yeah, and I get that it's going to take time before you ever get over it," I started, trying to be as calm as possible with him, "but, Harry, I didn't kill him..."

He sat back again, staying quiet. I didn't like this side at all. I couldn't sit here and do this; his mind was on him.

I got up and stormed to the sofa, lying down slowly. Zayn glanced at me as he came in from outside.

"Louis," he started, "he'll come around..."

I tried to nod, keeping my eyes on the tv in front of me... I lay there awake for hours like that. I kept waiting for some report to come in of what happened... the tension was killing even me.

And I knew somehow that Harry was still sitting in our room, feeling nothing but guilt all over again... when would this stop?

Zayn came downstairs at nearly 7, and I opened my eyes realizing I had dosed off at some point. Niall was sitting up from the love seat where he had apparently crashed.

"Arsenic," he replied quietly.

I glanced up at him, "what?"

He turned back to me, his arms crossed, "they burnt the flat to the fucking ground, Lou."

I sat up some, rubbing my eyes and trying to understand what he had just told me. Niall seemed to be doing the exact same.

"Harry," Zayn called.

"You're going to tell him now?" I asked.

Harry came downstairs slowly, his eyes red as he looked at Zayn.

"They burned down the flat," Zayn spoke walking over to Harry, "and he is dead."

Harry stared at Zayn, not even blinking. I couldn't handle this... all of it had gotten so out of control now...

Harry nodded a little, glancing at me, then going back upstairs.

"He's not going to be charged," I told Zayn.

Zayn shook his head, "no, he's not..."

I rubbed my hands together and sat still on the sofa, my mind completely lost in thought. How was Harry going to get over this?

A few minutes later, I was sitting outside, the sun shining overhead and a joint in my hand. The back door opened, and Harry slowly walked out to me.

"Hey," I said softly.

"Hey," he spoke as he sat down next to me. His hair was a mess still and his eyes were beyond red.

"I know you're not alright...," I started.

He picked up the cigarettes and lit one, his eyes staying off, "a few short months ago, I saw myself living someone else's life, Lou... for the first time, I realized what it had come to. I realized how much he had played me all these years..."

I stayed quiet, watching him.

"I... I can't explain why I feel like I do," he glanced at me, "but I did stand up to him... I had the gun to his throat... I... I was so overtaken by this side of anger that I had never seen myself even possessing. When I looked at him... all I could see was a demon that would never stop haunting me... unless I made it."

"You were going to kill him," I asked softly.

Harry blew out his smoke, his eyes staying down, "I was so angry... yeah, I... I really wanted to."

I nodded a little, "then, why do you feel guilty now?"

"Because I didn't want it to end this way," he looked back at me, tears falling again, "Lou, I didn't love him... you know that... but... I just..."

He stopped and closed his eyes.

"You can't accept the fact that he's gone for good," I explained slowly, "and that makes perfect sense... because even though you wanted him dead, Harry, you also didn't. That has to make sense to you by now... you can't help but feel that way... and you know that."

Harry nodded, sniffing a little, his mind drifting off again. And honestly, so was mine. We both had no words now... this situation was over, yes... Darren was gone... but when would he be gone from Harry's memory? When would Harry be able to get over what had just happened?

The next day in therapy, Harry wasn't himself before or after the session. I knew it. And it hurt to watch him suffer the way he was.

Zayn had texted to tell me there still were no leads on what had happened, other than it being a drug related crime.

And my mind couldn't help but think how Darren knew Harry was going to come to that flat... I was sure he had guessed he would.

No one even knew why a professor from this university was even wrapped up in what happened in that flat... and I was taking it that the truth would eventually come out somehow that he was the one responsible for all of it... how I wasn't sure.

"My mum called," I told Harry as we entered the flat. I was doing my best to enlighten his mood.

"Did she?" He asked slowly, "about what?"

"Christmas," I shrugged, going to the kitchen to make tea, "where's the lads?"

"I... I don't know," Harry mumbled, "I haven't talked to them really... other than hearing, 'are you ok' like a hundred times."

"They're just worried about you," I turned to him, "just like I am... because I don't want this to destroy who you're becoming."

"It's not going to destroy me," he whispered, "I just... I'm in shock, I guess. I don't know, Lou... I'm having a hard time letting go..."

I stopped and sat the kettle down, looking back at him, his eyes staying serious.

"I love you," he whispered to me, "and I know it probably hurts for you to hear that..."

"I expect to hear it," I whispered back, "and it's alright, love... I know who your heart belongs to... and I know who you're capable of being now..."

Harry leaned against the counter, a small smile finally, "do you ever wish you wouldn't have transferred to London, Lou? Do you ever wish you would've just stayed in Doncaster?"

I grinned a little, switching on the stove, "no... I don't... I'm glad I came... so that one day, I can move back, but with you."

I glanced back at him, Harry's smile widening. "That's what you really want?"

"It is, yeah," I managed to reply, "and I want a normal life with you."

"Normal," Harry almost smirked, "yeah, I like the sound of it... but when are you proposing then? Cause I don't know if I wanna just live together..."

"What?" I asked smiling.

He shrugged, "what? I wanna be married before we have kids."

"Jesus," I almost groaned as Harry continued to smile. But I needed that dimpled smile right now.

Zayn came in the front door a few seconds later, looking over at Harry, "you alright, babe?"

Harry nodded, "yeah... I'm... I'm good actually."

Zayn rubbed his shoulder gently, "stop feeling guilty... alright? Look, you didn't even have to get involved... you know that... they were set on doing it without you."

Harry tried to nod.

Zayn glanced back at me, "see you lads later, alright?"

He grabbed his jacket and left while I turned back to Harry, who was already looking at me.

"You sure you're alright?" I asked him softly, my hands going around his waist.

He placed his hands on mine, "I'm... I'm fine. Really."

"It's ok if you're not,"'I told him, "and I get it if you're not... but Harry... you aren't to blame, alright? You didn't plan this... we didn't plan this... they did.... they wanted revenge just like you did."

Harry bit his lip and sighed again.

"You just can't believe he's gone... right?" I asked him again, my voice breaking.

Harry stared back at me, "I... I don't know. I really don't, Lou... and I don't know why I feel this way."

I nodded a little, pulling him into me, "I get that... I do. And one day you'll understand why you feel this way... even more than you already do, because I know you already know you shouldn't have feelings."

"I'm not that far gone, Lou," he whispered to me, his head against mine. I held onto him tight, burying my face into his curls and closing my eyes.

I wanted all of this to go away for good now... but I knew it would never be that easy for Harry. This was going to be a long road that he would have to walk. But I was willing to walk it with him... because from the moment his eyes met mine in that classroom, I knew damn well my life would never be the same. And even through this, I had only realized how much I loved him even more. He needed me now more than ever.


	49. Chapter 49

_(Song: Tennessee (Pearl Harbor) - Mark Fowler_

  
Louis Tomlinson

 

  
"Don't worry, love, she'll love the present," I was telling Harry as we got out in the drive of my mum's.

Harry began pulling bags out of the back as I helped him.

It was now Christmas Eve, and my birthday... it had been over a month now and Harry had already made huge progress. He wasn't focusing on it anymore... though he still had nightmares about what happened.

No more leads had even been made on what happened... which was a good thing in my head. I just wasn't sure how Harry was still feeling about it.

I stopped at the door, knocking slowly, my mum appearing immediately.

"My boys," she smiled at us, hugging me and then Harry, "how are you?"

"Fine, mum, how are you?" Harry smiled and kissed her cheek gently.

"I'm doing well, love," she smiled at Harry before turning to me, "happy birthday."

I grinned as Harry just smiled next to me. "Thanks, mum. You already texted me this morning..."

"... And I've told him like a million times," Harry chuckled a little next to me, "told him you had a great dinner planned for him tonight."

"Did you?" My mum grinned at me.

"Couldn't keep my mouth shut, sorry," Harry smiled innocently before he was hugging Lottie, then Daisy and Phoebe next.

I couldn't help but smile... I personally felt like so much weight had been lifted off Harry's shoulders... even if he didn't see it that way yet.

This person here with me was the person he was... this is who he was meant to be all along. It was the person he had always wanted to be.

My mum really went out of her way cooking us a Sunday roast for dinner that night, along with a homemade cake, which Harry had cooked.

I ran my finger over it, taking some of the icing as Harry smacked my hand away. I chuckled a little as he grinned and fixed it.

"What?"

"Don't touch it," he smirked at me.

"You didn't have to make me a cake," I smiled at him.

He grinned a little, "hey, I told you... I wanna cook for you, remember?"

I nodded, a smile on my face, "so, Styles..."

He glanced back.

"How does Doncaster sound to you after all?" I whispered to him.

He smiled a little, "I... I love the sound of it. Are you sure that's what you want to do?"

"Of fucking course I want to," I laughed a little, Harry smiling, "but it has to be something you want yourself."

"I've already told you what I wanted," he said quietly, his eyes not breaking from mine, "I want this... I want you."

"Glad to hear you say that," I said, my fingers gently caressing his beautiful face, "because that's what I want."

He nodded a little, "I know... Lou, thank you."

"Hey," I pointed at him, "it is what it is... remember?"

Harry smirked at me as my mum came back in and began telling Harry what a great job he had done on my cake. Harry looked so pleased as he talked to my mum.

And I couldn't help but feel like this was how it was meant to be... all along... my whole life. This is what I was waiting for... this person.

Harry wasn't simple. Harry was ripped at the seams... but he was a masterpiece. He was everything I could've ever asked for in someone. He was exactly what I had always wanted. Despite his past and the endless amount of pain he had gone through, he was this gentle soul in front of me telling my mum how much he used to love to cook when he was young.

We played Scrabble that night with loads of wine being drank between us all, even Lottie. She was giggling over Harry's ability to come up with any word.

He would smile up at me and I couldn't help but smile back at this human being... he was such a huge part of me now. And he had to have known now how much I loved them. After everything we had gone through together since the day I had met him... he and I both knew that what we shared was something that couldn't have even been explained.

I had stayed with him to fight demons he never wanted to fight. I had stayed with him through every last step... and I was going to continue to stay until his mind was finally free of Darren... completely.

"I got you something," I told Harry as we walked outside on mum's back deck to smoke.

He glanced back at me, "it's your birthday, Lou..."

"I know," I nodded, keeping my eyes on his, "and I'm sure you got me something..."

Harry smiled a little, "I did, yeah... what, do I need to go get it?"

I laughed a little, "uh, no... not yet... this is different..."

Harry turned back to me, his eyes staying serious.

I glanced out at the rain that was falling; it was rather chilly and of fucking course it would rain on Christmas Eve, my birthday... but it was an opportunity I wasn't willing to waste now.

"Harry," I started slowly, his eyes not leaving mine, "you know... that first day I met you... it wasn't that long ago at all..."

Harry smiled a little, taking my hand in his.

"But you and I both know now... especially after everything... that this... this is just," I started, trying to explain this the best way I knew how.

Harry gripped my hand as he stared at me, "what?"

"... That this is just how it was meant to be," I managed to admit to him, his eyes not leaving mine, "and... you know, every day that I have been with you, since that very first day, all I've wanted was to see that smile on your face... for you to feel the freedom you wanted to feel so badly, then..."

Harry bit his lip, but smiled a little, his eyes filling up. "I just wanted the same for you, you know."

I smirked and looked surprised, "really?"

He nodded, "yeah, well, I could tell when I met you that you had a side you just weren't sure of, Lou. I could read you."

"I know," I chuckled a little, before my face turned serious, "but... Harry, this... all of this that you have gone through, it's only made me want to be here for you even more."

"I've gotten that," he smiled a little, "I... I never pictured you staying this long, Lou."

I couldn't help but shake my head as I laughed and Harry just smiled beautifully.

"I'm totally kidding, you know that," he snickered, taking my arm in his, kissing my cheek gently, "Jesus, it's fucking cold... why are we standing here?"

I smiled and looked back out at the pouring rain, "because... it's perfect."

Harry glanced back, and his smile was gone. Maybe he had realized what I was doing... I wasn't sure.

I took his hand in mine gently, leading him down the steps into the falling, freezing rain. But Harry didn't seem to mind. He kept his eyes on mine the entire time.

"Since that first day, Harry, you're all I've thought about," I managed to get out slowly, though my voice was cracking; I didn't know if I could get this out or not. "And I've spent every waking minute with you since that day... discovering every secret you held in, every feeling that you have felt..."

Harry's eyes didn't look away as tears fell out slowly.

"... And you're right... I could've ran the other way," I kept going, "and I'll admit I thought that before... but I wouldn't have lasted long without you... you became such a big part of me... and you just don't understand how much I love you..."

"No, I do understand," he whispered, smiling a little as his hand ran gently down my cheek, "I get it by now, Lou... and this is a battle I never could've faced without you.... At least I don't think so. You made me want to change... I told you that."

I nodded a little, feeling the small box in my pocket. I glanced around at the drizzle falling now around us, then back at this beautiful person in front of me... the person that was my entire world now.

"I know our relationship wasn't formed under the best circumstances," Harry said slowly, his hands taking mine, "but... I'm... I'm so thankful you came along, Lou... you have no idea... because you've helped me to see who I was as well.... even in the darkest of times, you were guiding me through this..."

"Sorta like a compass guides a ship," I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. Harry managed to nod some. "Yeah, I suppose I have that part down now, don't I?"

His face turned into that beautiful dimpled smile again, "yeah, you do... you walked in and everything changed... and there were times I felt like I didn't deserve you..."

"Harry..."

"Let me finish," he said softly, not breaking his eyes away as tears fell out, "but I soon realized, with your help, that sometimes being imperfect is what makes you perfect for someone else... you didn't love me for my scars... you didn't love me for my mistakes. You loved me for all the right reasons, Lou. You loved me how you're supposed to love someone. And I... I'm thankful it's you."

"So... is commitment as scary as it used to sound?" I managed to get out before biting my lip, my tears falling.

Harry looked to be thinking it over for a minute as he glanced around the garden, then back at my mum's house, "no... it's really not... not when you feel like you've sorta belonged with this person all along."

I smiled and wiped my eyes slowly, Harry only grinning more. I loved this boy so fucking much.

"If you're going to propose, do it before the rain lets up," Harry whispered, a smirk on his face.

"Arse," I nudged him gently and laughed a little, my tears still falling... I didn't mind... Harry seeing me this way didn't matter anymore. The both of us were sappy as shit, there was no denying it.

I took out the box slowly, my eyes staying on his. His face stayed completely serious as I dropped to one knee, removing the ring slowly from the tiny box.

"Harry Styles..."

"Yes, I will," he said quickly, smiling at me.

"Really?" I laughed at him, "Jesus... let me ask the fucking question."

He snickered and wiped his eyes again, "sorry... I'm so sorry."

I shook my head, smiling as I glanced back up at him, "Harry Styles... will you marry me... and make me the happiest man in the world?"

"Yes," he whispered back, taking my hands and pulling me up to face him, "you know I will."

I pulled him into me, my hands against his waist, my lips meeting his... the rain falling all over us. We didn't care. This was all that mattered... to him and to me.

As we stopped kissing and I slipped the ring on his finger slowly, Harry just watched me smiling.

"Why the rain?" He asked softly.

"Because," my eyes met his, "it's your favorite place in the world... and because, maybe, it has finally washed you clean... maybe you finally do have that freedom, Harry..."

He tried to smile, a tear falling as he looked down.

"And because I knew how much this would mean to you," I whispered to him, "yeah, it's not romantic being in my mum's back garden..."

Harry chuckled a little, "no, it's actually perfect. Really.... you just don't know how perfect, Louis. Thank you. I wouldn't change this moment at all..."

"You boys are going to freeze!" I heard Lottie yelling from the doorway.

"... Ok, well, she doesn't count," Harry smirked at me.

I kissed him again, our arms going around each other and just holding one another.... even though I knew Lottie was standing there.

"You two alright?" She called before laughing, "it's freezing out here... you're both insane."

"No...," I looked back at Harry, "we're completely sane... the world is insane. Isn't that how you said it, love?"

Harry's tears spilled more but he managed to nod and smile, "yeah, something like that."

I took my hand in his, the smile not leaving his face as we walked back inside, soaked from head to toe and fucking freezing... but it really hadn't occurred to us.

As soon as the words had gotten out of my mouth that Harry had said yes, my mum was going into hysteria... so was Lottie and Felicity by now. Harry only stood next to me, his real smile on his face... that smile he only had for me.


	50. Chapter 50

 

 _(Come Away With Me - Norah Jones)_  

 

Harry Styles

  
"We were supposed to be there an hour ago," I was yelling to Niall as we followed Gemma and Felicity outside to Felicity's car with the tuxes in our hands.

"Where's Louis?" Niall asked as we began the ride to the Ox Pasture Hall in Doncaster.

"He's almost there... I sent him and Zayn to check on the flowers but I don't think they knew what they were doing," I smiled at Niall, "it's not really hard to pick up roses..."

"They were specially-dyed roses," Niall laughed beside me.

"Always having to be special," Gemma shook her head from the front seat, smiling.

"Hey," I said, "not all the time... this is different."

Felicity smiled beside my sister, "can't believe you two are getting married... seems like yesterday I was just meeting you, Harry, and realizing you were Gemma's brother."

I smiled and stared down at my phone, Louis' text making me laugh, "we're stuck in fucking traffic across town."

"Hard to believe a year has gone by," I managed to get out, the date on my phone catching my eye: September 28th.

I could still remember where I was a year ago on this day... it was actually the day I met him... it had been his idea to make our wedding day this day, and I couldn't say no to that. The date meant just as much to me as it did to him.

That day, everything changed; my whole life changed that day. And, I was sitting here now with his sister, my sister, driving to this beautiful place to be married to him... a year later.

I didn't ever think twice about doing this... I didn't feel like we jumped into anything. I think we both just knew from the beginning that this was bigger than both of us.

From that very first day, I had felt like he would be different... that he would somehow bring me happiness, too. And he really had.

By now, we had shared so many things with one another; a year really changed our lives. I felt like a different person now... I didn't feel the same as I did then. Nothing felt the same to me now.

I wasn't constantly flooded with memories, moments, places. I wasn't focusing on a person I desperately wanted to be rid of. I was completely changed now, and to be quite honest, I felt I had Louis to thank for most of it.

He hadn't given up on me, after everything I put him through... after everything he went through. He never once walked out. He believed in me, when I couldn't. He saw me in my dark times, and he loved me through them.

"They still haven't made it?" Niall was laughing as we walked into the building.

The Ox Pasture Hall was one of the most beautiful wedding places I had seen in Doncaster. Louis and I looked through several before we had decided upon this place. I didn't mean to be picky, but he still teased me about how perfect I wanted everything to be for this day.

"They got caught in traffic," I replied and hurried upstairs, Niall following slowly. Liam was coming down the hall.

"Hey, where've you been?" He asked immediately.

"We had issues with the tuxes and now they're stuck in traffic," I sighed and opened the door to what would be our dressing room.

"Oh, well, everyone's been wondering," Liam said while he watched me opening my tux.

"I texted my mum and told her," I looked back at Liam, "did she not say anything?"

Liam shook his head and smiled. "She didn't. We're not too far behind yet."

I started changing slowly, Niall and Liam watching me.

"I can't believe you two are doing this finally," Niall was beaming from beside me as he changed.

"I can't believe it's been a year," Liam shook his head.

"I can't believe you and Sophia didn't get married until just a few short months ago," I smirked up at Liam.

"Well," he started, "you know, I like to have plans..."

"You were with her for ages... sometimes plans aren't always the best way to go," I said softly as I stared up at him.

Liam sat down across from where I was sitting now, slipping on my boots slowly... Louis was probably gonna hate me for wearing the sparkly silver ones for our ceremony, but at the same time, I could see him smiling as soon as he saw me in them. He knew me well by now.

"Harry, can I just say I'm happy for you," Liam spoke up, his voice gentle, "I'm really glad you're getting this... a life with someone who actually loves you."

I kept my eyes on Liam's, "thank you. That means a lot, man."

He nodded a little, "you've come a long way, you know... Louis even kept us updated on it."

"I kinda figured that," I nodded smiling, "I don't think a day has gone by where he hasn't texted you guys... since we moved here."

I smiled a little as I stood up and fixed my under shirt... it was a silk white button up that actually faded into a light pink at the very top of it... it was the shirt I had wanted for this suit since I had seen it.

The suit itself was white, but had silver designs that ran across from one side down the other side... it was a bit flashy, but it was me.

"Looks amazing," Niall spoke up.

I smiled a little and adjusted the shirt in the mirror, before trying to fix my curls somehow.

Zayn came through the door seconds later, a smile on his face when he saw me. "Well... someone's in a hurry."

I shook my head and laughed, "where's Lou?"

"Next door... he's getting dressed, too," he replied and went to find his and Louis' tux.

"You're my best man, you know," I smirked at Zayn.

"You're right," he nodded and smiled, "I can just bring Louis in here..."

"No, just keep him in there," I sighed but smiled at him as he left with the tuxes.

I opened the door and headed back downstairs to the entrance, pulling out my cigarettes and lighting one.

I honestly couldn't believe this day was here... I mean, I could. But we had almost been engaged a year now. He had asked me on his birthday... not long after he even met me.

Lot of people probably thought we were crazy for how fast we moved; we didn't think that. Louis never thought that... I never really did. It felt natural to us... I couldn't explain it to this day, and I had been living with him for almost a year... alone.

We had normal days together... we had a flat here in Doncaster just like we had both wanted. I never realized just how much I wanted to live here... not until I came here with him to meet his mum right after he had met me.

He must've thought I was special, even then... I knew he did. I was never one for meeting anyone's parents, let alone fall in love with the whole family. But I had. The Tomlinson family was like my second family now... Jay was like my mum. She cared about me so much.

Her and my mum had bonded so much over mine and Louis' relationship... not only that, but they both knew now what I had gone through months and months ago. My mum knew what I had suffered with now... Jay knew, too, because Louis had explained it all to her, with my permission.

It didn't really bother me that they knew. They were my family, and they loved me. It didn't really bother me to even talk about it now... that was a huge improvement from just a year ago.

A year ago, I never saw this... I saw circles and patterns that I so desperately wanted to change and break. Then, I saw Louis that day on his first day at uni... and to this day, I could still say the moment I saw him, I knew my life was gonna change.

I didn't know why then... I liked him, he knew that. But it didn't take me long to actually think I loved him... and to actually know that I did; it was real.

I wasn't sure why our connection was just so simple from that very first day... I couldn't explain why Louis Tomlinson was all that went through my mind then.

Everything was different now. We had jobs, we had a home that we shared with one another... we were even planning on a family one day. So much had changed in 1 short year; I had never actually felt like I was living until all of it was over with Darren, and Louis and I were left to be this... who, I had guessed I had known we would be one day.

____________________________________

_Louis POV_

_My fingers ran over the fabric of the tux as I stared in the mirror in front of me, wondering if this was really real._

_The boy who had been such a mystery to me, who had never let anyone into his world, had let me in... and he had given me his heart._

_I smiled to myself, thinking of how great the last few months had been. Harry finally was who he was meant to be: someone who controlled himself. He was free... his mindset had been completely changed. He was Harry Styles... and he was free of the thoughts that once plagued him. He was free of the man who destroyed him._

_"You almost ready?" Zayn asked from beside me._

_"I think so," I nodded a little._

_Zayn smiled a little, "hey, you two deserve this more than anyone."_

_I tried to smile as I fixed my fringe again, taking a deep breath. I opened the door and began walking downstairs, my eyes falling on the beautiful sight in front of me: Harry standing outside there in his white suit with the silver designs flashing from the sun's rays. His hair was pushed back and his eyes were fixated on something off in the distance... I had never seen such beauty._

_It was finally setting in: I was marrying him in just a few moments...  he was becoming Harry Tomlinson. He was committing his life to me._

_His eyes fell on mine, his face nearly glowing as he looked me up and down in my tux. And for a few moments, I was speechless as I stared at him in front of me; my world was complete._

___________________________________

Harry Styles

 

"You... you look amazing, Lou," I whispered to him, my hand running down his white tux slowly, then to the pink handkerchief in the pocket. "We match."

"Wasn't that your plan?" He grinned and fumbled with my shirt. "You had to have pink..."

"It's not just pink," I started slowly, "it's.. it's a combination of red and white... red represents  passion... white represents purity and innocence... when you mix them, you get that..."

Louis managed to smile a little, "you're explaining the representation of pink? On our wedding day?"

I grinned at him as he took my hand.

"You know I'm teasing, love," he whispered back, "I get why you chose it... which is why I agreed to it."

My mum and Anne were walking up, their smiles radiating.

"Look at you, two," my mum was holding her phone, "I have to get this."

"Mum, we're about to do photos," I sighed while Louis snickered.

"I don't mind," Louis looked back at his mum and mine, "just make sure you text us those."

I couldn't help but smile at him, his arm going around my waist gently. I pulled him closer to me, smiling like I never had before as our mums snapped photo after photo.

"Alright, we've gotta get moving," Louis said, "really, mum, 2 is enough."

"Well, I just wanted to make sure I got enough," Jay was looking at her phone.

"We've gotta get the photos done, love," Louis sighed looking around the garden.

"Are you in a hurry?" I smirked at him, pushing my hair back.

"We do have a schedule to keep to," Louis said as he glanced down at his phone.

I smiled and watched him, getting lost in thought; I couldn't believe this day was here. It had been a long road to get here.... but it had been worth every step it took to get here.

The photos were taken in the garden; it took over an hour for us to get through them because... well, Louis and I didn't want to cooperate for most of them. And I was sure that the majority of our wedding photos would turn out looking completely silly... but it didn't matter to me. Louis, this day, and this moment... that's all that mattered.

__________________________________

_Louis POV_

_"We've got 10 minutes," I heard Niall calling as he was running through the hall._

_I chuckled and shook my head, stopping in front of the changing room that Harry was using. He was seated in the chair, spinning the engagement ring around his finger._

_His eyes finally glanced up, noticing me in the doorway and he was instantly smiling again. "Hey, you."_

_"Hey," I whispered, keeping my eyes on his a few feet away from me, "you ok, love?"_

_Harry continued to spin the ring, but a smile was on his face as he stared down at it. "You know what? I am ok... I'm... more than ok, Lou."_

_I grinned and walked over to him, him looking up at me from where he sat, "are you ready?"_

_"I'm more than ready," he replied, his voice deep and breaking, "I've been ready since day one, I think."_

_I chuckled a little as he reached out, taking my hand in his._

_"I'm... I'm thankful you stayed," Harry said seriously, his eyes searching mine again, "I'm glad that you didn't turn and run, Lou... you could've..."_

_"Harry," I started, crouching down in front of him and placing my hands on his knees, "I... I never had any intention of running the other way. You know that by now. You know.... without a doubt... that I love you... that I just wanted you to be you. And you finally are."_

_Harry smiled down, his dimples showing, "it's strange, isn't it? How much has changed?"_

_"It's... it's not strange," I whispered back, "it's... it's both of us getting everything we deserve."_

_Harry's eyes didn't break from mine. I saw tears forming and I instantly leaned into him, meeting his lips, closing my eyes and getting lost in the taste of him._

_As long as we had been together, I still wasn't used to his lips, his touch... I wasn't used to calling this person mine._

_Harry pulled away, wiping his eyes slowly, but a smile crossed his lips once more, "let's... let's go do this, Lou... let's start our future."_

_I grinned and stood up slowly, reaching for his hand. He stood up, taking my hand, his other running across my cheek._

_"I love you," he whispered, "I've loved you from the beginning..."_

_"I know, love," I nodded before I smirked, "and I'm sure your long ass vows will include that, yeah?"_

_Harry chuckled, his dimples showing, "yeah, well... I did take a while to write them... you knew I would."_

_I smiled as we walked out of the room together; we were only minutes away from becoming The Tomlinsons._

_________________________________

Harry Styles

 

  
"You ready?" Gemma asked me, rubbing my arm gently.

"I... I am," I managed to get out. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold back my emotions on this day; but I hadn't even gotten to Louis yet and my emotions were already overtaking me.

Gemma hugged me tight, "I love you, Harry.... and I'm so proud of you. I really am.... you have shown how strong you are, after everything..."

"I love you, too, sis," I whispered into her ear, "I'll see you in just a minute."

Gemma let me go, squeezing my hand and wiping her eyes as she smiled.

 

_(If I Could Fly - One Direction)_

 

The music started playing, and I took a deep breath, knowing that in just a few minutes my life would be committed to Louis Tomlinson.... the man who never gave up on me... the man who believed in me, even when I couldn't any longer.

"Ready, sweetheart?" My mum asked softly, taking my arm in hers.

"I'm ready," I nodded to her, "mum, thank you... for everything..."

"I love you," she smiled back, tears falling down her cheeks, "and you deserve this more than anyone. Louis and you both deserve this... and I know the two of you will be alright... you both will take care of each other now."

"Mum," I managed to get out before wiping my eyes, "I can't... I can't begin to thank you enough... for always being here... even when I pushed you away..."

"Harry, darling," mum interrupted, hugging me again, "you're my baby... and I will always stand behind you. Your past choices do not define you... they never did. You know who you are..."

I tried to nod as I let her go, sighing out a deep breath.

Thoughts of my past only rarely hit me these days... but today, I wasn't going to allow them to take over my mind. I wouldn't dwell on who I was then... I was only dwelling on the man standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me; waiting to make our 2 worlds collide.

The second my eyes met his as I walked down the aisle with my arm in my mum's, I could already see the tears falling from his eyes. How did Louis expect me to make it through this when he himself was losing it. The sight of him standing there... in his white tux... it was hitting me.

I was marrying the person who had stood beside me through thick and thin; I was marrying the person who had become my home.

His eyes stayed on mine as I walked to him. His smile widened, tears streaming down slowly.

I hugged my mum tightly before I stepped over to him, our eyes meeting.

I took his hand in mine, not breaking eye contact as the minister began. Zayn was standing behind me, a huge grin on his face. Gemma and Felicity as well as Daisy stood behind him.

On Louis' side, he had Liam, Niall, Lottie, and Phoebe... all of them smiling as they witnessed this... this ceremony to join our 2 hearts together forever.

"... And both grooms have prepared their own vows," the minister kept going on.

"Maybe you should go first," I whispered to Louis, smiling at him.

He only chuckled a little and sniffed, "uh... where do I begin, Harry?"

I grinned even more as he wiped his eyes slowly, not caring if both of our families were witnessing him crying. It didn't matter anymore to him, or to me. And to be honest, I felt like we were the only 2 standing here.

"When I first met you," Louis started, gently squeezing my hand, "I... I had no clue what the future held for me; I had no idea what road I would take with you... and it wasn't an easy one..."

I bit my lip, my tears still falling as I watched his blue eyes on mine.

"... But every step we took... every hurdle we had to overcome, it only made me love you more," Louis almost whispered out as he smiled again, "I got to know this humble and beautiful spirit... I got to know you for you. And I'm honored to say you are mine, Harry. If I had to do it over again, I would. I would choose you... every time... there's no one else in this world that I would rather share my life with."

I smiled a little, wiping my eyes slowly as Louis did the same, almost chuckling.

"My turn," I whispered out, trying to laugh, "Louis..."

I paused for a second, just taking in the sight of him standing in front of me... every breath and every hour had come to this moment... this was where I was meant to be... all along.

"... From the moment I met you that first day," I started again, trying to control my emotions, "you... you reminded me of happiness. You became my happiness. You became so many things to me in just a short period of time. And you will never know how much your presence meant to me then.... and now. I... I can't even fathom the love you have for me. I can't. You stood by me... you walked with me even through my dark times.... you stayed... in my dark times... and you helped me through them. You never gave up on me. You never stopped believing in me. You saw what I was capable of being before I could even see it, or realize it...."

Louis smiled again, his eyes staying on mine.

"... And there's so much I could say to you right now," I whispered to him, "but... the most important thing I can say is... thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me... on us. Thank you for standing beside me. And thank you for choosing me. If I could describe happiness and love in 2 words it would be Louis Tomlinson... because you are my happiness... you are my everything. And I promise to love you and cherish you for the rest of my life. I can't wait to grow old with you... have kids running around our garden..."

Louis laughed and wiped his eyes again, his face beaming as he glanced back up at me.

"And you know, patterns are meant to change; circles are meant to be broken," I tried to get out through sobs, "and we've finally done that... you helped me to do that. You helped me become who I am now... who I was meant to be. That's why I promise my life to you. I promise to be there for you, through everything life throws at us... because you loved me enough to stay. And that's real love. And I can only promise my life to you in return."

Louis nodded a little before whispering, "yeah, you really did plan out those vows, didn't you?"

I chuckled a little before the minister was requesting the rings. Zayn handed me Louis' while Liam gave mine to Louis'.

Louis watched my eyes as he slipped the ring on against the engagement ring. "With this ring, I promise my life to you, Harry. And only you."

I gently took his hand in mine and slipped the silver band onto his finger, glancing back up at him, "with this ring, I promise to love you... through the darkest of times and the best of times... I'm yours completely."

Louis took both of my hands in his as the minister announced, "by the powers invested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. Louis and Mr. Harry Tomlinson."

My eyes met Louis again and he instantly pulled me into him, crashing our lips together.

And suddenly, nothing else in the world mattered. People were standing and clapping, but my mind was only focusing on the person in my arms, his lips against mine.

He let me go slowly, that beautiful grin I had fallen in love with on his face as he whispered, "I told you... the story ends well, love. And it always will."

He took my hand in his, both of us turning to face our families who were still standing and applauding. Of course our mums were crying, our sisters were crying... this was our moment. We had officially become The Tomlinsons. I had officially given my heart to the man who had become my strength and my rock, through every dark period.

The orchestra played as we danced slowly together at the reception, Louis' head against my shoulder and a huge smile on my face. This was all I had ever wanted; someone who loved me as much as I loved them. And I had found him... I found him in my darkest of times... I found him under the worst circumstances of my life. But I found him... that's all that mattered.

"So," Louis said softly against my neck as we danced slowly, "now what, Mr. Tomlinson?"

I smirked as he pulled back to look me in the eye, "now... we live our life the way we want... we raise a family..."

"Woah," Louis chuckled, "Jesus, we've literally been married a total of like 35 minutes and we're already talking about a family..."

"Well, I can't wait to raise one with you," I whispered to him, my fingers running softly over his chin, "you've... you've changed me, Lou. You helped me become a person that just a while ago I never could see myself becoming."

"I never stopped believing in you," Louis stated, his eyes staying serious, "and I always knew you were capable of this, Harry.... you were capable of becoming yourself."

I nodded a little, "thank you."

"No.... thank you," he whispered back, his hands pulling my waist closer, "thank you for allowing me in... thank you for giving me your heart. I can't imagine my life being any different now."

"Neither can I," I replied grinning. I placed my arms around his neck, burrowing my face against his neck and closing my eyes, breathing in the scent of home... I was home. This person was my home. And he always would be now, no matter what came in the future.

The reception lasted a total of 2 hours, with Niall, Liam, and Zayn giving speeches for us. And I couldn't help but smile as Louis and I sat side by side listening to our best friends wishing us well... wishing us a life of happiness and never ending love.

"I'm so happy for you," Jay was saying to me a few minutes later while Louis was busy talking to my mum and Gemma a few feet away, "Harry, I know how much you love my son... and I'm thankful to have you as a son now, as well."

"Thank you," I managed to say softly as I hugged her, "thank you so much."

"I know you'll take care of him," she whispered to me, "just like he will take care of you."

I smiled into her shoulder before letting her go, "I will. I promise."

Louis walked over to me, his face still glowing as he placed his hand around my waist gently, "almost ready to catch that plane to Rome, love?"

"Yeah... I think I am," I nodded and smiled, "I'm more than ready."

A few minutes later, I was changing upstairs as Zayn walked in, a smile on his face.

"Congratulations, Mr. Tomlinson," he said immediately, giving me a wink.

"Thank you," I grinned as I buttoned up my shirt.

"Where's Louis?"

"Oh, he's already changed... I think he's downstairs talking to his mum," I replied and pushed my hair back before grabbing my boots.

Zayn nodded and kept watching me closely. "Harry, there's something I didn't tell you... back then..."

I glanced back up at him, "I... I don't think today is the day to tell me, Zayn. Really."

"I... I know," he said softly, "but... I felt like you needed to know this... I told Louis a while back..."

"What?" I asked him confused as I stood up, zipping up my duffel.

"The... the reason I went along with the plan that night... when Darren...," he stopped and sighed a little, "let's just say... I knew what he was planning, Harry.... and that's why I agreed to help pull it off."

I stood completely still, watching him closely, "what do you mean?"

"I found out he sold the house," Zayn whispered to me, "he sold the house you were living in... because he... he was planning something... he was coming after you. I told you he was... I just didn't tell you that I knew it for sure...."

"But why would he sell the house?" I asked him, "and why are you just now telling me?"

"Because I felt like you should know," Zayn replied slowly, "I... I removed every amount of evidence of you from his flat, too... so that it couldn't come back on you. I had help from some guys..."

I bit my lip and tried to nod as I sat my bag down, "so, why tell me now, Zayn?"

"Because I don't want anything left unsaid," he said as he walked to me, placing his hands on my shoulders, "you know he was planning on coming for you... didn't you?"

"I... I had thought it, yeah," I said lowly, "I didn't know he had it planned out."

"Well, he did," Zayn stated, his hand staying on my shoulder, "and... that's why I insisted on doing something. I... I couldn't let something happen to you.... I wasn't going to let something happen to you."

I nodded a little, swallowing the lump in my throat. I didn't want to hear about this on our wedding day, but Zayn had a point in telling me; he only wanted me to know the truth.

"Look... I'm sorry... I should've told you ages ago that I knew all of this," he whispered, "but... I wanted to wait until your mind was in a better place... until you had finished therapy completely."

"I get it," I said back softly, "I do.... thanks for telling me, I guess. None of it really matters now, though, does it? He's gone... and I'm not that person anymore."

"No, you're not," he agreed before he smiled, "you're Harry Tomlinson now."

I chuckled a little before smiling back up at him, "thanks, man, for constantly having my back... over all of these years."

"Hey, that's what best friends are for," he shrugged and grinned before the door opened again.

Louis was standing there, smiling directly at me, "about ready to go, love? Our flight is leaving soon."

"Yeah, I'm coming," I grinned back at him.

Liam and Zayn had placed our luggage in the back of the SUV Louis and I owned together; it was funny to say that we owned things together now... but everything that was mine was his, and everything that was his was now mine. Our life had become one, even before marriage.

We managed to say our goodbyes to our families before walking out to our decorated SUV, Louis laughing out loud immediately.

"Alright, who drew the penis on the window?" He asked still chuckling.

"That would've been me," Liam raised his hand and laughed, "hey, Tommo, you're always drawing them on stuff... it was fitting."

"Fuck you," Louis smirked over at him, shaking his head.

 

_(Home - One Direction)_

 

We climbed into the SUV, Louis opting to drive us to the airport. Everyone waved as we drove off, Louis' hand in mine.

"I can't believe this," I thought out loud, a smile on my face as I glanced out the window, "we did it, didn't we?"

"We did," Louis grinned, squeezing my hand on his leg, "so, Harry Tomlinson, what shall we do in Rome?"

"Hmm," I put my finger to my lip, "I say, we start with sex as soon as we arrive, then more sex... and maybe sight see a little, take a few photos for that blog of mine I'm starting... and then more sex?"

"Jesus," Louis laughed, "sounds to me like we won't be leaving the room very much."

"We will," I said softly as I sat studying him, "but I want you to make love to me first... I want that to be the very first thing we do."

Louis' face turned serious as he glanced at me, "sounds like a plan, love."

And once we had landed in Rome, checked into our hotel room at half past midnight, we threw our luggage to the floor before our arms embraced one another.

The curtains were open, allowing the city lights into our hotel room as we lay under the covers.

Every guard I had ever thrown up was now gone; every fear I had ever possessed no longer existed. And when Louis began to make love to me, it honestly felt like the first time all over again.

There were no more restraints; there were no more haunting memories filling my mind. There were no thoughts of anyone but Louis.

He held me tight as he thrusted into me slowly, his eyes staying on mine the entire time.

I kept my arms around him, leaning up to kiss him like I never had before; this was different. We both knew it. This was what we had waited for: a moment of just us.... no more obstacles in our way.

We lay in bed in silence a few moments later, my face in his neck as I breathed him in.

"This is what home feels like," I whispered into his ear.

He smiled, his fingers running through my curls, "this is what free feels like, Harry."

"You're right," I managed to say into his neck, "and... to be honest... I'm glad the story ended this way."

"So am I, love," Louis responded before grabbing my hand and staring down at the ring on my finger, I'm then his own, "I couldn't imagine the story ending any other way, you know."

I grinned and looked up at him, entwining our fingers, "neither could I... because... this is home to me.... you and me... us. This is home."

"This is home," Louis whispered back, his eyes staying on mine, "and I'll make sure that every day feels like home, for the rest of our lives."


End file.
